Got this mysterious thing with my ex

[Mell0wM0nk]

So I was dating this girl for 4 years through college and I recently met her for the first time after the break-up ( after a whole 3 years). The night we met, within the first couple of hours, we were getting very touchy and lightly kissing on the cheeks when no one was looking etc. After a wild crazy drunken night, we ended up together in bed, we did everything but have sex, cause she said she has a boy friend blah blah.
Now we have been messaging each other non stop for a week. This is driving me insane. All this messaging has gotten to my head. Idk how to handle it. Now , 2 days back, we were chatting late at night and playing quiz up, and i kinda dozed off. We havent messaged each other since, and i really want to talk to her, but she has a BF and i dont want to get into this situation. But i still want to chat with her but also dont want to be the one looking desperate to message her. There is a lot of powerplay here, the one who messages first looses. But i cant keep her off my mind. I need a distraction. Help me Litsters.

 

[se7enth666nero]

powerplay is bullshit. A good relationship (whether romantic or otherwise) is all about honesty and communication. Think of it this way, if she were to be with you, and she did what you and her did that night would you let her off for that? if she can go behind her bf so easily what's to stop her from going behind yours? ask yourself if you really trust her and if you do then cut the bullshit and talk to her already let her know how you feel knowing there's a chance you will get hurt and you have to be ok with getting hurt if you do choose to do that. Otherwise it's time to let her go.

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

powerplay is bullshit. A good relationship (whether romantic or otherwise) is all about honesty and communication. Think of it this way, if she were to be with you, and she did what you and her did that night would you let her off for that? if she can go behind her bf so easily what's to stop her from going behind yours? ask yourself if you really trust her and if you do then cut the bullshit and talk to her already let her know how you feel knowing there's a chance you will get hurt and you have to be ok with getting hurt if you do choose to do that. Otherwise it's time to let her go.

I think I have always been very honest with her and vise versa, during and after our relationship. We have always had this connection I cant explain. Also , when we broke up, we were much younger and immature. I think she really digs this mature change in me ( and I think the main reason for her to break up with me was my immaturity) . She said I was the only reason she was cheating on her BF. And I think she means that. She trusts me implicitly.
So anyway that night we met, things kinda just fell into place. I had no idea i was gonna end up in her bed, until we were really in her bed. Things just kind ahappened. And I really think, more than cheating, its was kind of a relief/happy moment for her to see me again, and it just felt natural to hug and kiss? I have know her for a long time now, and I was REALLY surprised she cheated on her BF. Seems very out-of-character for her. Obv I didnt wanna bring up her bf in between all this. AND we were really drunk on some good whisky so that could be a factor. One more thing to keep in mind is that she had broken up with this dude, and just recently got back with him. I dont know how i feel about her yet. I would love to have her in my life, but like u said, after this cheating thing, I am really not sure. the only dilemma is, if she really means that she cheated ONLY because of me? I kinda trust her on that, but she is human afterall.

And this thing about telling her how i feel ; The problem with that is, its just been a week since we met again. I dont really know how I fully feel yet. Very confused. I definitely dont want to put her to a decision where she either has to choose to be with me, or never talk to me again. I am just really confused at the moment. I dont even know what I want.

 

[Goldz]

So she left you blueballed in bed and now you can't get her off your mind? Smart woman if thats what happened, she just put you on the bench lol. Honestly what male thinks striaght when there bloods left there brain...
Go hook up with someone else and see how you feel a few days later about her.

Goodluck mate haha

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

So she left you blueballed in bed and now you can't get her off your mind? Smart woman if thats what happened, she just put you on the bench lol. Honestly what male thinks striaght when there bloods left there brain...
Go hook up with someone else and see how you feel a few days later about her.

Goodluck mate haha

lolol never thought of it that way haha. That sly woman
My main problem is to keep myself from messaging her RIGHT NOW! I am pretty sure she is trying hard not to message me as well. I cant even concentrate on work.

 

[Sundayschild]

lolol never thought of it that way haha. That sly woman
My main problem is to keep myself from messaging her RIGHT NOW! I am pretty sure she is trying hard not to message me as well. I cant even concentrate on work.

That's all part of the fun, right?

 

[emma_the_librarian]

It seems she has fond memories of you.

Being the devil's advocate:
You're all shiny and clean right now. When she remembers what the difficulties were (or experiences twinges of them again), she will depart and much faster than before.

Maybe you're a diversion while she works out some difficulty with the current boyfriend?

I hope nothing I've written is true, but if she's as young as you....

 

[smoothg103rd]

If the she was thinking about you she would of been text you. She got a bf she is not going to play phone tag with you. She probably wanted to fuck that night. Just threw the bf word and to seem like she is innocent. She would of never came home with you and started kissing you if she didn't want to fuck. And trust me if you wanted to talk to you she would of texted you. A girl with a bf don't have time for you hang up games

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

That's all part of the fun, right?

Sort of... i want her to message me, but in a weird way her not messaging me is the reason I want her to message me so bad. And she is usually way better than me at these kinda games. I want to message her, but dont want to give away the 'power' . Thing is , when we had broken up, it was she who was trying to make all the effort to keep in touch, I usually tried to keep a distance, and that gave me some sort of a control on the situation. She even complained about the fact that I dont message her often enough (while we were making out).

So is this a thing where she is tired of keeping in touch with me and thinks that "fuck it, lets see if he wants to make an effort'. Or is just one of those games.
I almost sent her a quizUP invite (facepalm)... almost....

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

Being the devil's advocate:
You're all shiny and clean right now. When she remembers what the difficulties were (or experiences twinges of them again), she will depart and much faster than before.

Maybe you're a diversion while she works out some difficulty with the current boyfriend?

I hope nothing I've written is true, but if she's as young as you....

Those are 2 good points there. Thanks for giving me that perspective, my desires to message her have gone down considerably after reading that.
Did not understand the bolded part, care to explain ?

If the she was thinking about you she would of been text you. She got a bf she is not going to play phone tag with you. She probably wanted to fuck that night. Just threw the bf word and to seem like she is innocent. She would of never came home with you and started kissing you if she didn't want to fuck. And trust me if you wanted to talk to you she would of texted you. A girl with a bf don't have time for you hang up games

true some good points in there.
About her not texting me : KNowing her, I think she has a lot of self control, and she can not message me even if she REALLY wants to. Now why is she not messaging me, there coould be a few reasons :

1) She is feeling guilty about what she did, and doesnt want to continue this.
2) Like u said, she probably just wanted to secks me, and now she fears this is turning out to be more than just casual sex and wants to not give me any wrong signals ?
3) Games ?

I can guarantee she is thinking about me. I am feeling fucked up and confused right now.

 

[Doog_kuron]

Walk away, walk away at a speed that makes the USS Enterprise look like an old lada with the engine falling out. I have been in the exact same position and it wasn't pretty. Bloodied battlefields on the Somme looked cleaner and neater than my situation.

She had a boyfriend too, we were into each other in a big way and she wanted to sneak off at every opportunity to be with me. Messages were exchanged, emails, heck even carrier pigeon...okay maybe not the last one. Indeed one of the most amazing weekends I have ever had with a woman I had with her. And to this day nothing has even come close to it.

I do not doubt she cared for me on some level but it was a destructive situation. It became a bitter and resentful experience because she would ultimately go back to her boyfriend. In the end I refused, said I couldn't do it anymore. Unless she left her boyfriend I wouldn't keep up the charade. She couldn't leave him for various reasons and we parted company. That was the best thing I ever did. Once a year I tend to get a message but I always ignore it, she's still with her boyfriend to this day.

For what my advice is worth, which probably isn't much, I would walk away. Find someone who is willing to invest their all in you instead of sharing with another. Lot cleaner! But good luck.

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

Walk away, walk away at a speed that makes the USS Enterprise look like an old lada with the engine falling out. I have been in the exact same position and it wasn't pretty. Bloodied battlefields on the Somme looked cleaner and neater than my situation.

She had a boyfriend too, we were into each other in a big way and she wanted to sneak off at every opportunity to be with me. Messages were exchanged, emails, heck even carrier pigeon...okay maybe not the last one. Indeed one of the most amazing weekends I have ever had with a woman I had with her. And to this day nothing has even come close to it.

I do not doubt she cared for me on some level but it was a destructive situation. It became a bitter and resentful experience because she would ultimately go back to her boyfriend. In the end I refused, said I couldn't do it anymore. Unless she left her boyfriend I wouldn't keep up the charade. She couldn't leave him for various reasons and we parted company. That was the best thing I ever did. Once a year I tend to get a message but I always ignore it, she's still with her boyfriend to this day.

For what my advice is worth, which probably isn't much, I would walk away. Find someone who is willing to invest their all in you instead of sharing with another. Lot cleaner! But good luck.

so basically, since we had broken up I have always tried to maintain a distance from her, and we basically used to message maybe once a month for 3 years. Now after that weekend, shit has hit the fan. We messaged each other throughout the day the whole of last week. and now I suddenly miss that. I know exactly what u mean, and i should probably take your advice and walk away, but I am the kinda guy who needs a good kick in the arse to learn a lesson. Thanks for sharing your experience, I shall keep you posted on this

 

[emma_the_librarian]

Those are 2 good points there. Thanks for giving me that perspective, my desires to message her have gone down considerably after reading that.
Did not understand the bolded part, care to explain ?

You're young and emotions, overanalyzing things and jumping to the wrong conclusions... all those things happen with exponential impact. Everything is a hugely dramatic movie because you don't have the memories of those experiences to tame your thinking. As you collect the experiences, you evaluate them...more calmly.

Not to say older people aren't as wacky about relationships. We are! I think we just catch ourselves more often before we go off the deep end.

 

[missgreekgeek]

I don't understand the whole powerplay thing....

I had a similar experience with one of my exes.

If I hadn't texted him within a reasonable time frame, I'd get "What? Am I boring to you now?" or something along the lines of "Found someone else?"

But when I would message him first I wouldn't hear back for a day or two at a time...

I hate mindgames, and refuse to play them...
The way I see it- If you love someone, fucking tell them. Show them...
Miss them? Make plans...

 

[SgtSpiderMan]

So I was dating this girl for 4 years through college and I recently met her for the first time after the break-up ( after a whole 3 years). The night we met, within the first couple of hours, we were getting very touchy and lightly kissing on the cheeks when no one was looking etc. After a wild crazy drunken night, we ended up together in bed, we did everything but have sex, cause she said she has a boy friend blah blah.
Now we have been messaging each other non stop for a week. This is driving me insane. All this messaging has gotten to my head. Idk how to handle it. Now , 2 days back, we were chatting late at night and playing quiz up, and i kinda dozed off. We havent messaged each other since, and i really want to talk to her, but she has a BF and i dont want to get into this situation. But i still want to chat with her but also dont want to be the one looking desperate to message her. There is a lot of powerplay here, the one who messages first looses. But i cant keep her off my mind. I need a distraction. Help me Litsters.

Give me her screen name and I'll find out for you.

 

[mrmphilllll]

Listen to Emma my friend but I have to agee with her also...

 

[NiceNastyMann]

so basically, since we had broken up I have always tried to maintain a distance from her, and we basically used to message maybe once a month for 3 years. Now after that weekend, shit has hit the fan. We messaged each other throughout the day the whole of last week. and now I suddenly miss that. I know exactly what u mean, and i should probably take your advice and walk away, but I am the kinda guy who needs a good kick in the arse to learn a lesson. Thanks for sharing your experience, I shall keep you posted on this

Good lord. Take a hammer and smash the phone if that is what it takes.

In any event - walk away. No more. Unless of course you are into bad scenes, more pain, lots of angst, little sleep, emotional overload etc.

Take my advice. Start drinking heavily. Oh wait - that line was already used wasn't it? And I was never pre-med. Oh well.

Turn the phone off, hook up with someone else, go run until you drop then rinse and repeat, jerk off until it hurts - geez anything else but this.

 

[missgreekgeek]

Good lord. Take a hammer and smash the phone if that is what it takes.

In any event - walk away. No more. Unless of course you are into bad scenes, more pain, lots of angst, little sleep, emotional overload etc.

Take my advice. Start drinking heavily. Oh wait - that line was already used wasn't it? And I was never pre-med. Oh well.

Turn the phone off, hook up with someone else, go run until you drop then rinse and repeat, jerk off until it hurts - geez anything else but this.

I too concur, with the drink heavily part! Got me out of a lot of scenarios! Once you sober up you realize how stupid things were and how big of a mess you potentially avoided!

 

[L0tus]

Sort of... i want her to message me, but in a weird way her not messaging me is the reason I want her to message me so bad. And she is usually way better than me at these kinda games. I want to message her, but dont want to give away the 'power' . Thing is , when we had broken up, it was she who was trying to make all the effort to keep in touch, I usually tried to keep a distance, and that gave me some sort of a control on the situation. She even complained about the fact that I dont message her often enough (while we were making out).

So is this a thing where she is tired of keeping in touch with me and thinks that "fuck it, lets see if he wants to make an effort'. Or is just one of those games.
I almost sent her a quizUP invite (facepalm)... almost....

If that's the case, she might not honestly want to her from you and is purposing creating a gap. You said that it's quite out of character for her to cheat. Perhaps she's feeling extremely guilty and doesn't want the memory of you to remind her of what she did. :T

 

[NiceNastyMann]

I too concur, with the drink heavily part! Got me out of a lot of scenarios! Once you sober up you realize how stupid things were and how big of a mess you potentially avoided!

It does tend to solve - or create - a lot of problems doesn't it?

And hey - that hangover - who needs angst and feelings of guilt? Buy cheap enough booze and oh lord the pain you will be feeling...

 

[LadiLucki7]

Ahh I think we all have that one person or another no matter what can have that control over us...sexually or mentally...but when it's one that succeeds in both areas mmm just makes catching up so much better

 

[RuneBlade]

It's a trap!

 

[Kozuka]

Ahh I think we all have that one person or another no matter what can have that control over us...sexually or mentally...but when it's one that succeeds in both areas mmm just makes catching up so much better

So true that it hurts.

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

Little update :

We have still been messaging since i last posted on here. Almost everyday. Remember how i was craving the other day to not send her a text ? Well I dont feel that way anymore. the past week, its she who has been making all the effort to message. I do play small games like messaging her way later, while still being 'online' on whatsapp. Its not to be mean or anything, I just think these lil games help to keep the interest and suspense. Like I dont want to be predictable.

One interesting thing from last week's chat. She said she needed my advice on something and although I was the last person she should be discussing this with, I was the only one who could understand her and advice her as to what she should do. So basically, her parents want her to meet this guy who they think is perfect for her. And she said she feels guilty/bad meeting with another guy when she has a BF. (Ofc i didnt say anything stupid like "did u not feel guilty when u made out with me ?") I asked her if she wants to get married to her BF, she said he doesnt wanna talk about it for another 2 years. And she cant really tell her parents about her BF, cause they want someone who is financially stable, and her BF isnt. And she doesnt even know if he wants to get married etc. So this is the first time she ever talked about her BF with me. Any interpretations ?

Another thing which might be interesting (or maybe am over analyzing, like emma said), we were having this convo about how humans only want things they cant have. And then she asked me whats the one thing I always wanted and could never have. I said I wish I had better metabolism so i could eat like a pig. And she responded in such a way that made it look like she was looking for a specific answer.
Also, another big thing, I am going to her town next week for a friends wedding. We have already planned a lunch together as soon as I land. So definitely gonna get u guys some good stories from that trip lol. Yea i know how most of you think i should totally stay away from this, but I guess this trip will give me a better perspective.

On a totally different note, I still would like to get distracted by the ladies here, after all this is a personals forum

 

[Mell0wM0nk]

You're young and emotions, overanalyzing things and jumping to the wrong conclusions... all those things happen with exponential impact. Everything is a hugely dramatic movie because you don't have the memories of those experiences to tame your thinking. As you collect the experiences, you evaluate them...more calmly.

Not to say older people aren't as wacky about relationships. We are! I think we just catch ourselves more often before we go off the deep end.

You mean I am overanalyzing this one good week rather than taking the whole 7 year period into account (which also includes some bads ) ?

I don't understand the whole powerplay thing....

I had a similar experience with one of my exes.

If I hadn't texted him within a reasonable time frame, I'd get "What? Am I boring to you now?" or something along the lines of "Found someone else?"

But when I would message him first I wouldn't hear back for a day or two at a time...

I hate mindgames, and refuse to play them...
The way I see it- If you love someone, fucking tell them. Show them...
Miss them? Make plans...

In a perfect universe , yes, that works. But most people/relationships aren't perfect, and these mind-games are often aimed at disrupting the monotony of everyday conversations, or invoking a response or emotion. These emotions and responses are what keeps us glued to each other. I can assure you if you speak your mind all the time and are too predictable, people are just gonna get bored. Sad, but thats how we are I guess.

Give me her screen name and I'll find out for you.

huh ? what screen name ? find out what ? lol.

Listen to Emma my friend but I have to agee with her also...

Yes some sound advice there.

Good lord. Take a hammer and smash the phone if that is what it takes.

In any event - walk away. No more. Unless of course you are into bad scenes, more pain, lots of angst, little sleep, emotional overload etc.

Take my advice. Start drinking heavily. Oh wait - that line was already used wasn't it? And I was never pre-med. Oh well.

Turn the phone off, hook up with someone else, go run until you drop then rinse and repeat, jerk off until it hurts - geez anything else but this.

If that's the case, she might not honestly want to her from you and is purposing creating a gap. You said that it's quite out of character for her to cheat. Perhaps she's feeling extremely guilty and doesn't want the memory of you to remind her of what she did. :T

Oh but read my last update!

It's a trap!

Tarp*