Happily Married But Sexless-- Anyone Else

[wifewatcher1997]

though I hate that any of us have to experience this, it is nice to know it is possible for others to be in this conundrum. I am also happily married. Enjoy my life but the lack of sex and affection is driving me insane. He had no sex drive anymore and aside from a good morning/goodnight peck on the lips there is no affection either. I addressed it several months ago, and he started being more affectionate for a week or so then it all went back to as it is now.

Feel for you and understand the conundrum you are facing. Feel free to PM if inclined to vent and ask perspectives as I would enjoy the other perspective as well.

 

[mindful_cravings]

Dreams

When two marry, Sex is like there is no tomorrow. As the marriage gets older, seems like the Sex tends to literally become less spicy. On a site like this, words, thoughts, fantasies seem to replace that dead spot in a marriage when two minds can truly share those ideas.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

though I hate that any of us have to experience this, it is nice to know it is possible for others to be in this conundrum. I am also happily married. Enjoy my life but the lack of sex and affection is driving me insane. He had no sex drive anymore and aside from a good morning/goodnight peck on the lips there is no affection either. I addressed it several months ago, and he started being more affectionate for a week or so then it all went back to as it is now.

Yep... it’s the affection that bothers me the most. I missing kissing. The cuddling, the playfulness. And I hate how it all changes once something is said, and then a week or so later it all goes right back to where it was.

 

[craig7091]

I've read through the comments here and I am in a similar boat.

I love my wife and will never seek sex outside of the marriage.
She is perfectly build for me chubby/buxom/curvy.

I like to kiss,cuddle,show affection,stroking her curvy legs all of the things she dislikes.Even a good morning kiss is off limits,because I will cause her to be late at work,fuck a kiss takes 1 second.

On the odd time we have sex,and I want to kiss her,its a no.
Its a really sad position to be in,you've got the woman that you desire,but there is nothing from her side.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

Sadly a ranking member of this club. I think my wife is sexy as hell but her interest in sexuality keeps dropping. Makes a man question himself a lot.

In time acceptance will come that it isn’t you.

 

[guns4444]

It's like this thread was written for me

 

[fam4fun]

r/deadbedrooms on Reddit is full of this. I am a 50s male, with a very taboo past. My wife only knows a drop about my past. She's a few years older than me. In her 40s she went into early menopause and sex stopped. She refused to see a doctor, refused help. Sex (penetration) hurt. She was still OK with me making her cum, but she could do nothing to make cum. We tried some stuff for a while, but we backed out of the swingers community as couples wanted full play and since then I have been celibate. I get some release with phone fun with females and couples on taboo topics and sharing experiences. Sometimes it's the way life goes.

 

[Taggy1]

r/deadbedrooms on Reddit is full of this. I am a 50s male, with a very taboo past. My wife only knows a drop about my past. She's a few years older than me. In her 40s she went into early menopause and sex stopped. She refused to see a doctor, refused help. Sex (penetration) hurt. She was still OK with me making her cum, but she could do nothing to make cum. We tried some stuff for a while, but we backed out of the swingers community as couples wanted full play and since then I have been celibate. I get some release with phone fun with females and couples on taboo topics and sharing experiences. Sometimes it's the way life goes.

Exactly what I’m going through with my partners menopause. We weren’t swingers though. She’s always been vanilla

 

[rider81]

Exactly what I’m going through with my partners menopause. We weren’t swingers though. She’s always been vanilla

It does get better after menopause it seems, but don't get too excited, it's a low bar. Personal experience.

 

[erc25]

Hi, I'm happily married. I love my spouse, my family, my friends my life. But my spouse has a very low libido and I don't. I crave physical attention they don't. I'm sure some other people have/are experiencing this.

It's so frustrating and painful for so many reasons. For one thing, there's nothing wrong with my spouse, it's just how they are and I accept that. We've discussed it in depth and they've done their best but at the end of the day, they don't really want to touch as much as I do and obviously it's not very satisfying if their heart isn't in it, even if they mean well and want to do something for you simply out of love.

So, you don't want to beat the dead horse and make your spouse feel like shit by going over a problem for which there is no good solution. Like I said, it's not a question of fault just a conflict of desires. It's tough to "get it out" because people look at you like you're a pig of immature for complaining that you "don't get enough sex"-- like it isn't a basic element of the human experience.

I've been told they wouldn't begrudge me for having a sexual relationship out of the marriage, but that feels impossible too. Understanding that I have limited time and resources, and an unwillingness to use prostitutes both because of the expense and the potential risks-- who the hell is going to want to have sex with someone who doesn't have much relationship potential and isn't even going to be their first priority? I'm not unattractive, but not hot, not poor but certainly not wealthy-- I don't see why anyone would want to have a casual sexual experience with me.

Honestly, when I read a couple years ago that some people are working as "professional cuddlers" in some of the big cities I thought, "god damn, I'd pay for that" or hell, I'd BE a professional cuddler (I mean it doesn't have to be sex, I just want more physical closeness). It makes me feel kind of small and ugly and worthless and I barely talk to anyone about it.

Cyber/Sexting, chat and phone/video is nice but it seems really difficult to find reliable people that are available enough. I'm done whining now, but on the chance that others here are experiencing similar struggles I wanted to share mine and perhaps offer a venue to express yourself. Sometimes just putting it into words makes the struggle easier to cope with.

Obviously, PM if you'd like to talk to me more about this subject.

Well said. There are too many of us out there face the similar issues. Whether it is due to physical or mental issues, or sometimes due to kids, or just too much stress or wear and tear on us.

The last few years my principle sexual partner is my hand (or both my hands for threesome lol) It is frustrating, and you can't really just share with others or look for doctors for that. It seems like male are much more vocal about that but I believe females will have the same problems just as well, but for most females they can accept this better than males.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

there are much too many of us who share this affliction! No two marriages/relationships are the same, even if the patterns are. Our dynamics of interacting/sharing, our sexual selves, the nature of our relationship, how much is actually lacking all vary, making it impossible to really generalize about the issue or even solutions - though it seems most are resigned to self-love.

But, one pattern that one sees over and over is that somehow the lack of sex, the loss of a sex life with a loved is has something to do with us. This can be very destructive and it took me a long time to climb my way out of that hole. I know this is highly problematic for many, though I've admitted it before, I had affairs. One thing they offered, besides the amazing sex and intimacy, was the reassurance that I am in fact desirable to other women. That I have a sexual self that others found quite pleasing. In short, they provided the path for overcoming a lot of the insecurities I was feeling in my marriage.

The short of it all is - it isn't you! it has nothing to do with you. It might have something to do with the nature of your relationship - but if they can't communicate that, then the problem is theirs, not yours.

Du courage!

 

[Wanderingwanderer]

Where do I lodge my membership application?

It's not entirely his fault. After 16 years together we have become more like housemates. We still enjoy each other company in a friend kind of way but nothing more. He suggested having a date night the other day which is fine by me, except that every date night we've had ended in over-drinking and at least one if not both of us passing out on the sofa (plus a hangover the next day) lol. We know we need to change the dynamic of our relationship. Just don't know how.

 

[Mtnmike]

Where do I lodge my membership application?

It's not entirely his fault. After 16 years together we have become more like housemates. We still enjoy each other company in a friend kind of way but nothing more. He suggested having a date night the other day which is fine by me, except that every date night we've had ended in over-drinking and at least one if not both of us passing out on the sofa (plus a hangover the next day) lol. We know we need to change the dynamic of our relationship. Just don't know how.

Sorry to hear your predicament, sexless over 11 years & counting. I've tried everything with her but her libido is dead. I think there are some people that you just can't change unfortunately, hope y'all are not one of those couples, it sucks.

 

[Mtnmike]

there are much too many of us who share this affliction! No two marriages/relationships are the same, even if the patterns are. Our dynamics of interacting/sharing, our sexual selves, the nature of our relationship, how much is actually lacking all vary, making it impossible to really generalize about the issue or even solutions - though it seems most are resigned to self-love.

But, one pattern that one sees over and over is that somehow the lack of sex, the loss of a sex life with a loved is has something to do with us. This can be very destructive and it took me a long time to climb my way out of that hole. I know this is highly problematic for many, though I've admitted it before, I had affairs. One thing they offered, besides the amazing sex and intimacy, was the reassurance that I am in fact desirable to other women. That I have a sexual self that others found quite pleasing. In short, they provided the path for overcoming a lot of the insecurities I was feeling in my marriage.

The short of it all is - it isn't you! it has nothing to do with you. It might have something to do with the nature of your relationship - but if they can't communicate that, then the problem is theirs, not yours.

Du courage!

Wow, that last paragraph hit the nail on the head !!! I need to start thinking that way, I'm in so deep, not sure if I can dig my way out but maybe this will help me to get started, thank you.

 

[StrongMaster7]

Count me in.

In nearly 35 years of marriage, I've thought through this situation millions of times. And there is no solution. There is only acceptance or divorce. And I love my wife, so it's acceptance.

Others have expressed my thoughts, so I'll offer this.

I think my wife is as inhibited and asexual as she is due to her upbringing and her high school experiences. I think her typical, religious upbringing taught her that sex and even displays of affection were private things that are not to be discussed ever.

And when she had her brief 'wild child' period, I think she had a couple of bad experiences with high school boys who then 'gave her a reputation' by talking about their conquest.

The result is I have a very attractive wife, who has a very sexy personality, but is not interested in sex most of the time. After weeks of abstinence, she will become a bit warmer toward me. But when the time comes, all she wants is what we used to call 'a quickie'. And then it's back to not only no sex, but a very cool, platonic relationship for the next week or more.

I don't know how to tell someone to raise a daughter to to have a healthy, uninhibited attitude toward sex. But I wish more parents did.

I don't want to cheat either. But I do enjoy the rare chats with mature women who are in similar situations. It restores my faith that I am somewhat normal to want sex.

 

[Chuck Darwin]

Not sexless, but rather plain.

Married 20 years. Before kids, sex was also plain, but after kids, sex is still plain but also less frequent (for different reasons).

I love my wife, we are a great team, but she has no kink. She won't let me go down on her (haven't since kids came along 12 years ago), and sex is about once per month with her on top or me on top.

I've attempted to discuss spicing things up a bit, but she also now frequently talks about how 'men are perverts' (some truth there perhaps). If I were to bring anything up to her about mixing things up in the bedroom, I think she'd have a similar comment (that I was a perv). I've made comments to her before about how I notice men checking her out, or sneaking a peak at her cleavage, but she's given me a look like 'why would you say such a thing'? I think she's just not wired for sexual exploration. I've come to accept it. I get what I can, but I always wish she could let loose a bit, but it's not going to happen.

I come here to get my kicks a bit.

 

[Chuck Darwin]

Count me in.

In nearly 35 years of marriage, I've thought through this situation millions of times. And there is no solution. There is only acceptance or divorce. And I love my wife, so it's acceptance.

Others have expressed my thoughts, so I'll offer this.

I think my wife is as inhibited and asexual as she is due to her upbringing and her high school experiences. I think her typical, religious upbringing taught her that sex and even displays of affection were private things that are not to be discussed ever.

And when she had her brief 'wild child' period, I think she had a couple of bad experiences with high school boys who then 'gave her a reputation' by talking about their conquest.

The result is I have a very attractive wife, who has a very sexy personality, but is not interested in sex most of the time. After weeks of abstinence, she will become a bit warmer toward me. But when the time comes, all she wants is what we used to call 'a quickie'. And then it's back to not only no sex, but a very cool, platonic relationship for the next week or more.

I don't know how to tell someone to raise a daughter to to have a healthy, uninhibited attitude toward sex. But I wish more parents did.

I don't want to cheat either. But I do enjoy the rare chats with mature women who are in similar situations. It restores my faith that I am somewhat normal to want sex.

We have the same wife.

 

[Loveitdady]

Would love to chat with some of you ladies who are going without. Older guy here who loves it all...

 

[El_Cid]

While I never thought I was alone, it’s disheartening to see so many others that are in a similar situation.

25 years of marriage and the sex peaked around the 3 year mark. It’s been on a steady decline since. I can’t blame her completely for the decline, but recently it rests largely with her. At our peak, we were uninhibited and enjoyed sex whenever and wherever we could get it. The sexcapades were amazing and there were even a few times when a third joined in on the activities. Then it stopped. No more being uninhibited. No more guests. Just plain, vanilla relations.

And then the weight came on. I stayed in great shape while I was still active duty military, but she started gaining more and more. Nowadays, she weighs almost as much as me. The sex appeal has gone out the window, and she doesn’t seem to care to work on it. It may be shallow, but it helps to be sexually attracted to your spouse. On the rare occasion that I am blessed with a little action, it’s the same routine. If I try to change things up, she may oblige for a few minutes and then get us back into the routine.

Like many others have stated, I love my wife and we are a great team. It just feels like we are more roommates nowadays than anything else. I don’t expect it to ever be the same as it was in our early 20’s, but I can dream. If I was given the opportunity without her, I think I would seriously consider it.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

Wow, that last paragraph hit the nail on the head !!! I need to start thinking that way, I'm in so deep, not sure if I can dig my way out but maybe this will help me to get started, thank you.

It is something one hears much too often - what did I do wrong? Why am I no longer attractive to them? How can I make them enjoy sex again? Am I that unattractive? Is sex with me that boring? and all kinds of other ways we internalize the blame for a sexless marriage. Sometimes they reinforce it, which was my situation, creating even more insecurity, not just sexual, but about my career, my interests in life, etc. I went through several quite devastating years of being reminded how worthless I was.

It took an affair for me, and some unexpected successes in my career, to make me realize that I don't have such problems - far from perfect, but par for the course. The problem was her and her insecurities that she projected onto me. She's grown out of that phase of her need to always put me down, but the negativity lingers in the air, even when things now are generally quite positive. It is difficult for me to even imagine having sex with someone who once said such mean things not too many years ago.

For those who doubt and question their own desirability, or who have been made to question their self-worth, particularly sexually, it is a difficult climb out of the rabbit hole. In many ways Lit also helped - making connections, seeing others in similar situations, rediscovering my sexual self, exploring, sharing.

For whatever it is worth - it isn't you!

 

[Jade1Tiger7]

We’re Separated and Getting Divorced

I was as patient as I could be and communicative as fuck.

The end result is we have separated and have been living separately since March 2020. I still don’t know why he chose to leave...Perhaps I will never know. And I have to learn to be okay with not knowing.

The past 7 months have not been easy. My confidence took a HUGE hit. However, my husband is only one person. There are a lot more people in my life who are loving me. (Plus, I am loving me. ) And they haven’t stopped, so I won’t either.

I hope others in this thread have and are remembering to love themselves. Don’t let your spouses issues become your issues (for too long). Turn to the people who do love you unconditionally. They will remind you of who you are.

Sending everyone love and good vibes.

 

[Lost_Yonder]

I was as patient as I could be and communicative as fuck.

The end result is we have separated and have been living separately since March 2020. I still don’t know why he chose to leave...Perhaps I will never know. And I have to learn to be okay with not knowing.

The past 7 months have not been easy. My confidence took a HUGE hit. However, my husband is only one person. There are a lot more people in my life who are loving me. (Plus, I am loving me. ) And they haven’t stopped, so I won’t either.

I hope others in this thread have and are remembering to love themselves. Don’t let your spouses issues become your issues (for too long). Turn to the people who do love you unconditionally. They will remind you of who you are.

Sending everyone love and good vibes.

A good reminder!

Hope things are looking better and you find fulfillment and peace...

 

[JonBHappy]

I was as patient as I could be and communicative as fuck.

The end result is we have separated and have been living separately since March 2020. I still don’t know why he chose to leave...Perhaps I will never know. And I have to learn to be okay with not knowing.

The past 7 months have not been easy. My confidence took a HUGE hit. However, my husband is only one person. There are a lot more people in my life who are loving me. (Plus, I am loving me. ) And they haven’t stopped, so I won’t either.

I hope others in this thread have and are remembering to love themselves. Don’t let your spouses issues become your issues (for too long). Turn to the people who do love you unconditionally. They will remind you of who you are.

Sending everyone love and good vibes.

Tough times, and I'm sure you'll have lots of thoughts and love coming your way from here.

 

[Loveitdady]

It seems there are four times the men in a sexless marriage than women. Anyone wondering wby? Would love to hear from you about it

 

[Lost_Yonder]

It seems there are four times the men in a sexless marriage than women. Anyone wondering wby? Would love to hear from you about it

Given most marriages are comprised of two partners, and if we are assuming heterosexual marriages - then actually there are an equal number of women as men in sexless marriages.

The issue might be who wants sex and who doesn't in a marriage. It would be an interesting study as anecdotal information is insufficient. I think there are also a lot of men who are in marriages where there is an active sex life but say they are in a sexless marriage to justify having an affair.

Again, there are also a myriad of reasons a marriage may be sexless - from psychological to biological, from emotional to medical, from personal to the relationship/marriage dynamic itself, from kids and others to god knows what that all play into our sexual needs and desires...