Happily Married But Sexless-- Anyone Else

[mab2017]

So difficult

I left a 14 year marriage after 8 years of no sex, no kissing, no cuddling, no non-sexual intimacy. I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe he was having an affair, I don't know. I didn't feel needed or wanted. Once after complaining, he "serviced" me. He didn't take off his clothes...still had his fucking boots on...then said, "There...that ought do ya." What the hell!!

 

[LemonLimeBitters]

I left a 14 year marriage after 8 years of no sex, no kissing, no cuddling, no non-sexual intimacy. I just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe he was having an affair, I don't know. I didn't feel needed or wanted. Once after complaining, he "serviced" me. He didn't take off his clothes...still had his fucking boots on...then said, "There...that ought do ya." What the hell!!

Are you happier now?

 

[Hodes101]

Curious to know what people think has been the root causes(s) of their sexless marriages.

Kids, and stress from work. For her.

 

[hulmule]

Wish i knew what drives it . Depression , menopause and other things. It's a shame cause im so affectionate and loving. I love to kiss( neck -old school lol) I have to ask for a hug, kiss, touched . Then spouse's wander why the other half is on lit, looking at people while out, masturbate - The list goes on. Wish there was a button to push for reset..... Welcome any PM to chat, how's your life, what you do to cope etc. Anything. Nice to see when you log in and theres a PM.

 

[jenai88]

It happens to women too

I completely empathize with the original poster and am stopping in to say it does happen to women too. During the dating years and early marriage years my husband matched my high energy erotic nature. Then it just stopped. He is very intentional in wanting to kiss me good night but isn’t interested in touching or intimacies otherwise. He’s a great guy and I adore him. I completely get the missing out of this part of our lives. An empty hollow space that goes unfilled.

Are some of us simply wired with an insatiable level of desired Intimacies and others have low libido with no driving need for fulfillment In sexual engagements? Knowing my husband in college and the risky erotic games we would play I never saw this coming. A screeching halt. There have been some medical issues the last couple years that contribute to his lack of desire and physical abilities. It’s a difficult conundrum. No real answers on my side. You are not alone and it happens to both parties of a relationship.

 

[jenai88]

Maybe the intamacy connection was never there

It truly is about more than sex.
Maybe we simply were never compatible and the sex shielded that.
Now that the sex isn't there, the idea that we're living separately together certainly applies - no touch, no embrace, no flirting even. I am certainly not my younger self, but I have many years left to give to someone who cares.

I have thought maybe we were never compatible. I always look back to my dating years in college and how well he matched my wild erotic energies and how a couple years into the marriage it just stopped. Was he pretending to enjoy my level of desire and then relaxed into his own lower libido energy. Maybe we were never compatible and the screeching halt was him no longer pretending to be something he isn’t.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

It’s funny, well.. maybe not always funny. But the old adage of “opposites attract” is both true and false.

My spouse and I are almost complete opposites about a whole host of things. We joke how we do things different. She is picky eater, I eat almost everything. Our music tastes. I like to game she doesn’t. I like comics she doesn’t. She likes board games, I like cards.

It’s almost as once we fell in love, we forgot how to be in love.

 

[wifewatcher1997]

Definitely married to my best friend and during the shutdown, was happy to spend time with her and nobody else.

Only issue, she has lost her sex drive altogether.

 

[Taggy1]

Are you happier now?

Your message box is full

 

[caughtbyU]

The real issue is the underlying instinct for all men to crave many sexual partners not just one for life. Monogamy is not what we are made for. Regardless of how much a man loves a woman he simply gets tired of having sex with the same woman. Particularly with so much visual stimulus in the current digital world. These are just my opinions. I don’t believe in happily ever after. That’s a Disney version of life.

 

[AuBonPain]

.

.....

 

[Ragnar78]

Lit really helps, I have found a soulmate

I'm really happy for you.

As for the thread as a whole, I can really relate to a lot of people but the cause of my sexless marriage is me. Due to illness, I have to take meds which have meant no wood for best part of a year. Nothing else I 'do' seems to be enough. Incredibly frustrating time for both and whilst we still have a loving relationship in the platonic sense, she doesn't even try to get intimate.

 

[Stilllearning2b]

The real issue is the underlying instinct for all men to crave many sexual partners not just one for life. Monogamy is not what we are made for. Regardless of how much a man loves a woman he simply gets tired of having sex with the same woman. Particularly with so much visual stimulus in the current digital world. These are just my opinions. I don’t believe in happily ever after. That’s a Disney version of life.

I get what you are trying to say, I think. But it is very patriarchal thinking that only the man gets bored.

 

[Oldsoul991]

I'm curious. I know it's no one's business, but I often wonder reasons people stay in sexless marriages or relationships. My last relationship there was sex but it was infrequent and it was completely devoid of intimacy. I have my own issues that kept me in that relationship too long. I didn't have any children involved or community property really. It was still hard to leave. But I did. I imagine is very hard to leave a marriage when children are involved. Outside of children, what keeps you in sexless marriages?

 

[Stilllearning2b]

I'm curious. I know it's no one's business, but I often wonder reasons people stay in sexless marriages or relationships. My last relationship there was sex but it was infrequent and it was completely devoid of intimacy. I have my own issues that kept me in that relationship too long. I didn't have any children involved or community property really. It was still hard to leave. But I did. I imagine is very hard to leave a marriage when children are involved. Outside of children, what keeps you in sexless marriages?

Two things:

Children (we have 4)
Hope. Though I am mostly a realist and not very optimistic. I hope someday the switch will turn on. I worry though when it does for her, will mine turn off. Already i feel like sex is more a chore, just something to get done. But when I write about it or write to someone about it, the passion returns.

So in the real world sex is a chore. In the online world, it is still passionate and exciting.

Now I just wish I could find an online partner to experience it with.

 

[WillJ8787]

what kept me in a relationship, a marriage for over ten years without good intimacy and sexual contact...

Well, the short answer is I did.

...and it was because I actually believed it wasn't possible to find what I needed, that the type relationship didn't exist "out there" for me and worst of all...

...I didn't think I deserved it. I thought their was something wrong with me for wanting intimacy and sexual contact as much as I did. My spouse also reinforced this idea in subtle and not so subtle ways that it was my problem.

Untangling all this in my head took the better part of a decade.

 

[mab2017]

Are you happier now?

I am.

 

[sandybrooke]

It's difficult to describe the lack of intimacy when a spouse's sex drive nose dives. Trying to work this out myself for years I gave up and revert to creative masturbation and moving to my own bedroom.
My wife is well aware I masturbate often and I invite her into my bed periodically just to let her know the options there.
We are more or less roommates that love one another but dont engage in any sexual activity.
She see's my sex toys next to my bed, knows I borrow her panties to masturbate into and never mentions it.
I miss sex alot

 

[caughtbyU]

I fully understand that men are not the only ones who get bored. But being I am a man myself I only feel qualified to speak from the male perspective.

 

[curvyjae]

not alone

though I hate that any of us have to experience this, it is nice to know it is possible for others to be in this conundrum. I am also happily married. Enjoy my life but the lack of sex and affection is driving me insane. He had no sex drive anymore and aside from a good morning/goodnight peck on the lips there is no affection either. I addressed it several months ago, and he started being more affectionate for a week or so then it all went back to as it is now.

 

[Countryforlife]

No fun

though I hate that any of us have to experience this, it is nice to know it is possible for others to be in this conundrum. I am also happily married. Enjoy my life but the lack of sex and affection is driving me insane. He had no sex drive anymore and aside from a good morning/goodnight peck on the lips there is no affection either. I addressed it several months ago, and he started being more affectionate for a week or so then it all went back to as it is now.

That's no fun. Hopefully things will change and last longer than a week

 

[jack_reynolds12]

I hope this helps

I just want to get this out for people in this situation like myself. Over the past decade I have been in this situation twice, once in a long term relationship and now in my marriage. It goes without saying but needs to be said this sucks and it hurts. Thoughts race through my mind as I’m sure many of you have these thoughts or similar thoughts like “why” “am I not good enough” “what’s wrong with me “ etc. Sometimes the pain is unbearable and yet we hold onto hope trying a million and one things we read online all in the hopes of rekindling a flame that is intimacy. As a male I am told many things of how I am supposed to be and how women are supposed to be but it’s all lies. Nobody is “supposed” to be anything but themselves we all have wants needs and desires and gender rarely is a factor in that. The thing I miss most is intimacy. Intimacy is not sex it’s affections, emotions and a connection. Intimacy is being satisfied with just cuddling despite the seemingly overwhelming primal urge to take your spouse to pound town because you know that they still want and desire you and that you will get that trip to pound town sometimes sooner than you think. That is what I miss most.

I have so much more to say but in the spirit of keeping it short I will just give this bit of information that has helped me and I hope will help anyone who wants to improve there situation. I have been reading a book titled “come as you are” the author is Emily nagoski and it’s helped me understand my wife more and myself when it comes to our seemingly sexless sex life. I have applied many concepts and it is working so far. I hope this helps and just know you are not alone many people suffer from a sexless marriage/relationship and I know it sucks im there with you

 

[Loveitdady]

though I hate that any of us have to experience this, it is nice to know it is possible for others to be in this conundrum. I am also happily married. Enjoy my life but the lack of sex and affection is driving me insane. He had no sex drive anymore and aside from a good morning/goodnight peck on the lips there is no affection either. I addressed it several months ago, and he started being more affectionate for a week or so then it all went back to as it is now.

I

Sorry to hear about your problems. I am an older guy who loves a hot lady. Would love to chat with you. I live near Atlanta and am single. If you have kik add me as hotstudly

 

[SunnyC]

One of the greatest benefits of Lit for me has been the awareness of a community of people in our situation. My wife is my love, and I am hers, but her libido started strong and waned quickly. It has been an ordeal to communicate about our differing needs because she feels somewhat guilty about it, and the last thing I want is for her to simply go through the motions for my benefit.

I read a lot of erotica, mostly here, which often dulls the ache better than porn. I let myself slip dangerously close to an extramarital affair twice over the years, both with fantastic people, but it was not a thing I could bring myself to go through with.

So here we all are in our own good company. Thanks to all of you who are sharing your thoughts and experiences.

 

[IASFPWTF]

though I hate that any of us have to experience this, it is nice to know it is possible for others to be in this conundrum. I am also happily married. Enjoy my life but the lack of sex and affection is driving me insane. He had no sex drive anymore and aside from a good morning/goodnight peck on the lips there is no affection either. I addressed it several months ago, and he started being more affectionate for a week or so then it all went back to as it is now.

I know how this is. Sounds like my life....