Help Out a Struggling Writer.

[NoJo]

'But then'

'and so'

'to my surprise'

'before I could react'

I'd say forget synomyms for 'suddenly' too.

Here are the three suddenlys in my latest 10,000 word story, which I submitted a little hastily. It could do with another couple of drafts. And yes, I admit they can easily be rephrased.


Suddenly angry, he stood, snatched at a yard of toilet paper, wiped his arse vigorously. “I’ll probably just end up getting Magnolia again. Who am I kidding?”

Gordon sat in the Northern Line tube, on his way to the office. Then he suddenly remembered that he’d been fired, and therefore there was no reason for him to be there.

Suddenly Gordon felt a pang of envy towards his adulterous brother-in-law.

 

[carsonshepherd]

They work in the sentences and I probably wouldn't have even noticed if not for gauche. Thanks, gauche


(he's got me frantically going through my latest scenes now too!)

 

[carsonshepherd]

Ugh. "For a moment" is another bad habit of mine. Stop that!

 

[NoJo]

Ugh. "For a moment" is another bad habit of mine. Stop that!

In screenwriting, people write, on a line by itself

A BEAT


meaning different thing in different contexts, but generally to indicate a "breath" in the action or dialog.

 

[gauchecritic]

Here are the three suddenlys in my latest 10,000 word story, which I submitted a little hastily. It could do with another couple of drafts. And yes, I admit they can easily be rephrased.


Suddenly angry, he stood, snatched at a yard of toilet paper, wiped his arse vigorously. “I’ll probably just end up getting Magnolia again. Who am I kidding?”

Gordon sat in the Northern Line tube, on his way to the office. Then he suddenly remembered that he’d been fired, and therefore there was no reason for him to be there.

Suddenly Gordon felt a pang of envy towards his adulterous brother-in-law.

Actually Joe, that rule of thumb, I would only apply to the last example where it stands out the most. Perhaps I should have said avoid beginning sentences with 'Suddenly'.

 

[gauchecritic]

In screenwriting, people write, on a line by itself

A BEAT


meaning different thing in different contexts, but generally to indicate a "breath" in the action or dialog.

Lots of playwrights are even more succinct (and confusing to first year students)

BEAT.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Actually Joe, that rule of thumb, I would only apply to the last example where it stands out the most. Perhaps I should have said avoid beginning sentences with 'Suddenly'.

Gordon felt a sudden pang of envy?

 

[NoJo]

Yep, better. And it cuts the story length by two characters.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Lots of playwrights are even more succinct (and confusing to first year students)

BEAT.

Those beat-niks....

yeah, i know...

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Gordon felt a sudden pang of envy?

Passive tense doesn't really work with sudden(ly). Yeah, the girly eng lit strikes again!

'A pang of envy struck/subsumed/hit/embarrassed/ran through/worried/etc Gordon.' I fall in to the same trap time after time. If you want the reader to get the feel of 'sudden' in general you need a stronger structure. Urgency needs active not passive construction.

'I was suddenly aware that Gordon, the man I'd lived with for so many years, could never be the soulmate I had longed for.'

'Gordon twisted his fingers in the way he does and the wave of disgust ripped through me like an earthquake. I realised I just can't offer the rest of my life to this man.'

Sorry to butt in, Carson, but I've been following in the shadows. Since I'm here, I can add my bit about your original question.

Could be close to home but I'll never talk!

Flashback or not, events when drunk have to happen in the present tense. 'The hand on my thigh is surprisingly warm and strangely comforting. Who's hand is it? It could be Gordon's but I don't care, it is what I want and need at this moment' We are super sensitive and firing on all cylinders when out of it. 'The strong pressure of the thigh pressing against mine is sending me to places I've never been before. No touch has ever been so good...'

Sorry, that's crap, but the point I was trying to make was that you can't do epiphany in the past tense, drunk or sober. You wanna make me feel your angst, give it to me in real time. Anyway, when drunk, male or female, you just know you are cock of the walk.

I'd love to read your story, what you've posted is superb, but so many others with their tongues hanging out have already offered PMs. I'm available if you you want me.

 

[carsonshepherd]

err. thought about that present tense thing, but it would throw off the whole story. I see your point but... just can't work that out.

 

[inkstain]

ive been following this thread too, trying to learn.

i came out (as a female submissive) under the "influence" of alcohol. but then later i realised that i wasn't that drunk, i was just using it as an excuse to own up, like when people "come out" when they play truth or dare.


i think "in vino veritas" is often just an excuse for people to unburden themsleves of secrets.

 

[carsonshepherd]

ive been following this thread too, trying to learn.

i came out (as a female submissive) under the "influence" of alcohol. but then later i realised that i wasn't that drunk, i was just using it as an excuse to own up, like when people "come out" when they play truth or dare.


i think "in vino veritas" is often just an excuse for people to unburden themsleves of secrets.

Exactement. The whole point of the scene, and the story. You win the prize.

 

[inkstain]

oh gosh. i was worried i may have been rude, and was going to edit the post!

i cant wait to read the thing now.

 

[carsonshepherd]

oh gosh. i was worried i may have been rude, and was going to edit the post!

i cant wait to read the thing now.

You're sweet. Don;t get your expectations up though... oh, the pressure....

 

[carsonshepherd]

I finished it, and took out all the suddenlys and for a moments.

 

[NoJo]

mazel tov.

 

[carsonshepherd]

mazel tov.

I'm cooking chicken for dinner.

 

[NoJo]

Make sure you take out the kishkes.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Gordon felt a sudden pang of envy?

Not the case here, but that's a habit I keep having to re-cure myself of - "X felt Y's hands move over him" instead of just "Y's hands moved over X." I catch myself doing it all of the time, and about to put the word "felt" in the search function and weed every story from now on.

Not to mention the problem of naming characters "X" and "Y."

Shanglan

 

[carsonshepherd]

Not the case here, but that's a habit I keep having to re-cure myself of - "X felt Y's hands move over him" instead of just "Y's hands moved over X." I catch myself doing it all of the time, and about to put the word "felt" in the search function and weed every story from now on.

Not to mention the problem of naming characters "X" and "Y."

Shanglan

I just did that with most of my adverbs, breathless dashes, and unnecessary ellipses.