help with a "depressed" teenager

[culloden]

I lost a close friend to suicide when I was just a little older than this kid. She was getting help, but didn't have a supportive family. That was 30 years ago, and we understand these issues far better today. It does sound like he and his parents are making the right moves.

Still, don't trust that what you're hearing from him is is the truth. I bought a lot of what my friend told me before she killed herself. Turned out she was lying to protect me from her pain. It's easy to believe good news because we want to believe it, and it's easy to deny bad stuff because we don't want to believe it. If something subtle seems off, trust your gut. As a friend whose job is dealing with traumatic situations says, "The first rule is to believe what's actually happening."

And remember, you can't "fix" this lad. That's up to him. The most you and anyone else can do is help. It sounds like you're being a good friend. He needs them.

 

[TeaforMe]

Sixteen Effing years old....and depressed. Over effing what. get your head out of your ass....take every F**king CG game and sell them. Sell your DS (actually stands for Dumb Shit).....get outside and breath the air. What sucks, your going to take this kid to the doctor....and frigging medicate him. great Another zombie

Depressed....I getting sick and tired of all this crap. Young love getting you down. Try a divorce. Don't like school. tell your parents you wan't to go to a private school, try a military academy.

Hay kid. I guess it's hard making mortgage payments at 16, heating, cooling bills, No insurance for you and your spouse. Filling the car up is killing what retirement you had. Finding full-time employment in the field you've trained so hard in, but, you have to take a 55% pay cut, if a job is even offered. You accept the job, help the company catch up on all their back log, help implement the new CAD software. Then just 5months in, your ass is tossed to the street. Make a day in the life of a 16y/o a true struggle.
The challenge of landing full-time work with another college graduating class, 11% (actual) unemployment. Working jobs on an as need basis. I guess Obama'Nation, Obama'Nomics is killing all your hope. Putting food on the table is a struggle for a 16 y/o. Your kids asking you, why you don't go to work anymore. I guess at 16 the fear of losing your home is getting you down. Your car needs four tires and a front end alignment...$500.00. You have $250.00 in the bank. Frig is still cold because you actually made a payment to the utility company. But, you still have to get to the grocery store. Haven't eaten stake in a yr. can't afford it eh.....

I hear these radio commercials....leave a message for these kids that are struggling through H.S... avg. a 2.0 gpa and you graduate. The world does not revolve around teenagers. My message, quit being a frigging pussy and pull your straps up. don't do drugs....don't get pregnant until your old enough to take responsibility for your actions. For that, don't go having sex until you can take responsibility for your behavior.

Delete all your social-network accounts and learn how to talk to other human beings. Learn how to write and spell. I'm sure handing in a school paper with LOL in it....doesn't quite make the grade for comp101. I guess in public schools Dat is accep'da''bull.

Listen kid, teenage years are a bitch. But your life hasn't even begun. You don't know life's struggles yet. I thought I knew it all at 16.....Nothing at 16 is worth getting inside your own head about. Think about what families went through during the first Democrat induced depression (1919). Think about the families who's farther went off to war in the 1940's. The struggles when the arrived home. Kid, we've invented our disorders....society needs excuses. Don't be an excuse or a statistic. Life isn't suppose to be easy...it ain't a x-box game, it's real. Pull your head out of your butt....look at YOUR face in the mirror, quit blaming other for your issues. I sympathize for people that truly suffer from depression. My brother does.....I know, there are teenagers that are diagnosed with 'actual' depression. that can be helped..... with out medication.

else wise.....enjoy your teen yrs. they only last seven yrs.

Yeah right, tell that to the mom/dad who buried their kid after missing the warning signs. Better yet, show up at the funeral, take the mother's hand and spew that bullshit to her face. Stupid shit like that piss me off. Mental diseases and disorders do exist. They are real, and your words are very damaging to those that suffer from them.

Teenagers DO commit suicide...they often give out warning signs. Better safe than sorry to intervene with proper measures.

 

[culloden]

Yeah right, tell that to the mom/dad who buried their kid after missing the warning signs. Better yet, show up at the funeral, take the mother's hand and spew that bullshit to her face. Stupid shit like that piss me off. Mental diseases and disorders do exist. They are real, and your words are very damaging to those that suffer from them.

Teenagers DO commit suicide...they often give out warning signs. Better safe than sorry to intervene with proper measures.

Word.

 

[Noor]

Medication does not label one for life. This kid probably has situational depression due to suicides around him, being temporarily medicated until he is better may safe his life.

Anyway who has ever been touch by a suicide or near suicide realizes that one must think of the here and now, not some possibly mythical future reputation. A dead kid is a dead kid.

I have never taken any anti-depressive medication but if I got seriously depressed or suicidal I would certain do so if it was recommended.

I think its a great thing when people post this stuff on line, I run a mailing list where one of the members posted a goodbye with clear plans on how they were going to do it. They had experienced several deaths and serious illness during the previous year.

We tracked them down, called their local law enforcement, zabasearched possible addresses for them, and law enforcement was able to get to them in time. It has been several years and they are doing fine now.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hay kid. I guess it's hard making mortgage payments at 16, heating, cooling bills, No insurance for you and your spouse. Filling the car up is killing what retirement you had. Finding full-time employment in the field you've trained so hard in, but, you have to take a 55% pay cut, if a job is even offered. You accept the job, help the company catch up on all their back log, help implement the new CAD software. Then just 5months in, your ass is tossed to the street. Make a day in the life of a 16y/o a true struggle.

Yeah, life is hard for grown-ups too. But did you miss the bit where this kid lost multiple friends to suicide? That's enough to rattle anybody.

Teens may have fewer responsibilities and more of a safety net than grownups, but they also have less control over their lives and they have to play by a different set of rules. As an adult, if co-workers were hitting me or stealing my stuff, I'd be calling the cops; as a kid, you're expected to suck it up because "kids will be kids".

I hear these radio commercials....leave a message for these kids that are struggling through H.S... avg. a 2.0 gpa and you graduate. The world does not revolve around teenagers. My message, quit being a frigging pussy and pull your straps up. don't do drugs....don't get pregnant until your old enough to take responsibility for your actions. For that, don't go having sex until you can take responsibility for your behavior.

Where the hell did the OP make any mention of drugs, sex, or GPAs?

If you want to rant about all that's wrong with Kids Today, go create your own thread on GF. Don't hijack a post by somebody who's trying to deal with a difficult situation with a specific kid who may not match your assumptions.

Delete all your social-network accounts and learn how to talk to other human beings. Learn how to write and spell. I'm sure handing in a school paper with LOL in it....doesn't quite make the grade for comp101.

Dude, you're not one to talk. Your English is worse than his - I count at least fifteen spelling/grammar mistakes in your post here, even giving you a free pass on sentence fragments and ellipsus abuse.

 

[Down_UnderKid]

wow kippert, sounds like you need some form of help after hearing that rant.

yes i know that life is hard and it sucks, but telling that to a kid isnt the best advice but i understand what you are trying to say.

thankyou again to more peoples input

 

[SweetErika]

wow massive amounts of replies there.

thankyou to everyone who has posted, and will post in the future, im open to all responses.

after speaking with his mum, she is well aware of the issues he seems to be going through. they have shared what the issues are and from what she has said, he does seem to be moving through them.
i saw him last night, didnt bring up the fb letter. and he was fine, his attitude was its normal self, which makes me tend to think thins was a "teen angst" thing rather than something more sinister (hopefully)

he is seeking out professional help with the help of his mum and has agreed to this, as i believe he is aware of the help he needs.

as for medication, i think this would end up labeling him for life and i dont think that would be right for him. he is a very level headed kid (yes i know most people are before they do something, but if he was to have done something it may have been before now) and to have that "im on medication" could turn him around the wrong way again

i think getting a job or some kind of outside distraction would be a good option.
hopefully he moves past this stage to bigger and better things!

Hopefully his parents don't share your views on clinical depression and suicide!
I mean, it sounds like you really care about this young man and your heart is in the right place, but you should be advocating for him to get whatever help he needs without putting a negative spin on any accepted treatment.

Why would correcting a chemical imbalance for what is likely situational depression ever "label him for life" as you say? If he gets the treatment he needs, he ought to move through life with the idea that the situation of having his friends kill themselves plus likely teenage hormones caused him to become depressed, and he simply needed some help (medication + talk therapy) to come out of it. Loads of people experience the same thing, it's really no big deal, and there's certainly no shame in it!

The only reason it would label him in the future that I can think of is if he were to apply for a specialized job that screened out candidates who had ANY history of being treated for mental illness/chemical imbalance, even if it could be explained or was temporary. But, really, what are the chances he'll seek a job such as that? You're talking about it like it's some scarlet letter he must wear for the world to see for the rest of his life when the reality is he'd only have to tell people (sans healthcare providers, probably) if he wanted them to know.

Personally, I'm not a fan of throwing drugs at conditions, and I think far too many people turn to medication when they should work on living a healthier lifestyle, learning coping tools, get therapy, engage in hobbies, etc. However, psychotropic medications are often a necessary part of an effective treatment plan when we're dealing with things like clinical depression and contemplating suicide. Your family member may very well need a short course of medication in addition to talk therapy, exercise, a healthy diet, activities that make him feel better, etc., and his family needs to support him wholeheartedly in that.

 

[dashd]

after speaking with his mum, she is well aware of the issues he seems to be going through. they have shared what the issues are and from what she has said, he does seem to be moving through them.
i saw him last night, didnt bring up the fb letter. and he was fine, his attitude was its normal self, which makes me tend to think thins was a "teen angst" thing rather than something more sinister (hopefully)

just noting that sometimes there is quiet before the storm. When "depressed" people make a decision to do self harm, there is often a false calm, not indicating resolution but rather decision to do self harm.

as for medication, i think this would end up labeling him for life and i dont think that would be right for him. he is a very level headed kid (yes i know most people are before they do something, but if he was to have done something it may have been before now) and to have that "im on medication" could turn him around the wrong way again

The use of medication may be necessary to make it easier to do the right things and to help the thinking process straighten out. Ultimately getting out of a depression is correcting a thought process, medication's purpose is to help the mind work correctly in the interim.

My thoughts and prayers are with this teen. He is lucky to have someone such as yourself thinking of his best interests.

 

[Ellafun]

Sixteen Effing years old....and depressed. Over effing what. get your head out of your ass....take every F**king CG game and sell them. Sell your DS (actually stands for Dumb Shit).....get outside and breath the air. What sucks, your going to take this kid to the doctor....and frigging medicate him. great Another zombie

Fuck, dude...bitter much? Maybe you should seek out some help yourself....

 

[njlauren]

One note on medications, unless the kid has a severe mental disorder like Bipolar syndrome or so forth, the idea of meds is simply to keep them functioning through the crisis and to allow them to work on their issues. Obviously it depends on how deeply troubled someone is but for many people the meds simply are to keep them functioning until they get through, been there, done that.

As far as it being a 'scarlet letter', I don't know where people get that from. Getting treated for depression is not a big deal anymore, and it isn't like there is this incredible audit trail that others are going to find. Even in sensitive jobs, having been treated for depression is not going disqualify them, and for most jobs they won't know. This idea of therapy haunting people seems like a chimera that people put out there and I can't figure out why; maybe some of it is people who look at therapy with jaundiced eyes and are looking for ways to discredit it or something.

 

[handful999]

To the OP,

Lots of people have replied and to an extent, they are all right. Even the people advising for the teenager to "man up". Your job now is to work out to what degree the advice given applies, as I'm sure you know anyway.

Being in Australia myself, there are cultural nuances to be aware of. Let me just also say that 99.9% of the time in Aus, the school counsellors really are shit. I say this with a degree of credibility - school counsellors in Aus are overworked (impairing thir effectiveness) and often less than great, which in this instance is worse than useless.

You have mentioned the mother as well but not the father/other male role models. He needs strong ones that he can relate and aspire to - typically at this stage of adolescence they would not be the father and I am curious as to fatherly influences. If psych help is what you need, then go to a proper one that you pay $140+ /hr for. I strongly suggest a male one in his 50's/60's that has a proven track record of being able to connect to youth. Depending on where you're based this could be a mission but also not too hard.

Allow me to generally describe key developmental stages of male adolescent development as well. Typically at this age, the young male should receive in our culture (if he is very lucky) mentorship from older men in sports/hobbies/part-time work etc - in place of formal initiation to manhood like cultures past. The importance of this cannot be overstated.

Additionally, key to making the transition from teen to adult is marked by a change in mindset from the 'victim' mindset to one of responsibility. Again, we see the absence of that in older people - people who blame others for all of their problems. It is a narcissistic stage of development, not helped at all by the media and consumer culture which pervades a self-centred worldview - but it is nevertheless a healthy and necessary stage of development to go through on the way towards self-realisation. The 'mature' man, on the other hand, takes responsibility for changing his condition if it is not to his liking, including putting systems/tools in place to look after himself, be it therapy,meds, adequate sleep/good nutrition as a tool to better emotional awareness and health.

Another factor is for kids this age, is they have not grown up without social media and the internet, being embedded in the social fabric, and thus existence without it is almost unthinkable. So you can view the fb post in a few ways. Obviously, and I don't need to tell you this, but it is always best to act on the side of caution. Social media without proper social interaction can be isolating as we all know.

The girlfriend...again, this is obvious, but it has the potential to affect any future relationships in a MASSIVE way. That would have hurt in all the wrong places. You are in a position as a responsible adult yourself to make sure he does grow up to be a sensitive caring lover/man and not a self-destructive victim and asshat.

I would go with your instincts of course. You wouldn't let him become a junkie - if he was going down that path for example, you'd make damn sure he got rehabilitated.

Something I haven't yet alluded to is that suicide in general, with the exception of examples from cultures from times past, barring mental illness, is not noble at all but potentially a massively selfish and impulsive decision(not to mention the finality of it all). Again, the narcissistic worldview perpetuated by pop culture doesn't help at all - part of the importance of mature male influence is that of reminding youth that we are all part of society, and no more special than the next man. You may want to drop that somehow.

For him, realising the possibility that some decisions made by his 3 peers were potentially very very selfish and inconsiderate (and not as a result of mental illness) could well make him very angry and untrusting for awhile - a heads-up.

Some books for reading for him:
King, Warrior, Magician, Lover (very very good)
Men's sexual health (Routledge: 2008)
Iron John (Bly) (for when he's a bit older and a bit more life under his belt)

there were more but i've forgotten, i'll try and think of them.

I wish you all the best with this, I really do.

My credibility:
A background in psych with life experience.

I think that's all for now.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Let me just also say that 99.9% of the time in Aus, the school counsellors really are shit. I say this with a degree of credibility - school counsellors in Aus are overworked (impairing thir effectiveness) and often less than great, which in this instance is worse than useless.

But it's okay, because we have school chaplains to fill the gap! */sarcasm* *grumble*