alonelygal
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How do you handle being a secret?
- Thread starter alonelygal
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Joanna,
Boy, this is gonna be a ramble, get ready.
Your question slammed me like a ton of bricks, because I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I have been involved in relationships in which I was the 'other woman', and therefore, I could not let my relationship with that particular man become public knowledge on any level. So, having said that, I'm left with a question for you...
Are you getting involved with men who are married, or have a signficant other? If you are, then this might sound harsh, but take it as advice from someone who has been there far too many times...YOU make your own bed when you choose to become involved with a man who has someone else. You take a huge risk with your own heart. Hell, you might fall in love with him...and then you are left with...what?
I'm not condemning such behavior. Who would I be to be as hypocritical as that? But I will remind you that whatever you do, whatever you feel, keep your dignity about you. Be able to look at yourself in the mirror later. You are the only one who has to sleep with your conscience while he sleeps with his wife. That's just the way it is.
Now, the other issue is...are you involved with men who simply drag their feet about letting you meet the family, etc? If that is the case, then that is an entirely different situation. If you are with a single, available man who chooses to hide his relationship with you, well...quite frankly, he's being an ass. And you should get out. Quickly.
Something else...the most important part...
You have only been on one date, and you are 32...you need to get to the root of why you always go for unavailable men. I went through somewhat of the same thing at one point in my life...the only men I wanted were those who wore a wedding band. When someone asked me WHY, I got defensive and angry. I didn't want to see the base reasons WHY I did the things I did. It took several sessions with a very objective counselor before I realized what I was looking for in those relationships and why that 'forbidden' label appealed to me. Perhaps you should consider getting to the root of what you do BEFORE you get involved with another man.
In other words, know yourself first. Then, if you choose to continue with unavailable men, at least you know WHY you do the things you do. And you can answer your own questions in the middle of the night.
Good luck to you, dear.
S.
Boy, this is gonna be a ramble, get ready.
Your question slammed me like a ton of bricks, because I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. I have been involved in relationships in which I was the 'other woman', and therefore, I could not let my relationship with that particular man become public knowledge on any level. So, having said that, I'm left with a question for you...
Are you getting involved with men who are married, or have a signficant other? If you are, then this might sound harsh, but take it as advice from someone who has been there far too many times...YOU make your own bed when you choose to become involved with a man who has someone else. You take a huge risk with your own heart. Hell, you might fall in love with him...and then you are left with...what?
I'm not condemning such behavior. Who would I be to be as hypocritical as that? But I will remind you that whatever you do, whatever you feel, keep your dignity about you. Be able to look at yourself in the mirror later. You are the only one who has to sleep with your conscience while he sleeps with his wife. That's just the way it is.
Now, the other issue is...are you involved with men who simply drag their feet about letting you meet the family, etc? If that is the case, then that is an entirely different situation. If you are with a single, available man who chooses to hide his relationship with you, well...quite frankly, he's being an ass. And you should get out. Quickly.
Something else...the most important part...
You have only been on one date, and you are 32...you need to get to the root of why you always go for unavailable men. I went through somewhat of the same thing at one point in my life...the only men I wanted were those who wore a wedding band. When someone asked me WHY, I got defensive and angry. I didn't want to see the base reasons WHY I did the things I did. It took several sessions with a very objective counselor before I realized what I was looking for in those relationships and why that 'forbidden' label appealed to me. Perhaps you should consider getting to the root of what you do BEFORE you get involved with another man.
In other words, know yourself first. Then, if you choose to continue with unavailable men, at least you know WHY you do the things you do. And you can answer your own questions in the middle of the night.
Good luck to you, dear.
S.
Bobmi357
Knit one, Perl two...
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In defense of secrets...
Ok, I'm married, everyone that knows my posts knows this isn't my first marriage.
When I met my second wife, I was seperated and in the process of getting the divorce. My lawyer told me NOT to introduce my "girlfriend" to my family or kids, because it would look bad IF the divorce case went to a trial.
That went on for a full year. I hated it, she hated it. Fortunately I had quite a few friends at work that I could introduce her to. And when I moved to Idaho a year or so later I had my kids come out to visit us.
Sometimes its necessary, sometimes its because the other person simply doesn't want you known to their family. No matter what the reason, it still sucks.
Ok, I'm married, everyone that knows my posts knows this isn't my first marriage.
When I met my second wife, I was seperated and in the process of getting the divorce. My lawyer told me NOT to introduce my "girlfriend" to my family or kids, because it would look bad IF the divorce case went to a trial.
That went on for a full year. I hated it, she hated it. Fortunately I had quite a few friends at work that I could introduce her to. And when I moved to Idaho a year or so later I had my kids come out to visit us.
Sometimes its necessary, sometimes its because the other person simply doesn't want you known to their family. No matter what the reason, it still sucks.
dollface007
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You get what you demand from other people and not a damn thing more. Start believing that you are worth more and that you deserve what you want. Then demand it unapologetically.
Bandit58
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I have been a secret, and it's no fun 
Even though when we were together nothing else seemed to matter, when we were apart it was terribly lonely and frustrating. It was a LDR and he was married......he couldn't phone me because his wife checked the bills so I had to phone him, I had to send anything to him via PO Box, I had to drive 5 hours to see him cos he couldn't leave his home town, I stayed in a motel and he'd visit me during the day and we never spent a night together.
He made promises to me that he couldn't keep, I loved him with all my heart but it couldn't and didn't work out. But I'm lucky that he woke up emotions that I'd never felt before, and when real love came along it was sooo much better because we could shout it out to the whole world
Even though when we were together nothing else seemed to matter, when we were apart it was terribly lonely and frustrating. It was a LDR and he was married......he couldn't phone me because his wife checked the bills so I had to phone him, I had to send anything to him via PO Box, I had to drive 5 hours to see him cos he couldn't leave his home town, I stayed in a motel and he'd visit me during the day and we never spent a night together. He made promises to me that he couldn't keep, I loved him with all my heart but it couldn't and didn't work out. But I'm lucky that he woke up emotions that I'd never felt before, and when real love came along it was sooo much better because we could shout it out to the whole world
Bigg_Capone
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Being a secret...
In all honesty, being a secret sucks! Ummm, everyone else already covered most of what I had to say. I've been in the "Secret Lover" situation. It blows. It's really a total mindfuck and I no longer believe I have the capacity for love or trust because of it.
In all honesty, being a secret sucks! Ummm, everyone else already covered most of what I had to say. I've been in the "Secret Lover" situation. It blows. It's really a total mindfuck and I no longer believe I have the capacity for love or trust because of it.
midwestyankee
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Being a secret may be one of the hardest roles a person can play in life. Keeping such things a secret is a trial I would not wish on any other. To say that keeping a secret of the heart is hard is like saying that the world has much grass. Words hardly tell the truth of it.
If your tears do you any good at all, they will show you that what you think you see clearly, you see only in shadow and blur.
The man who holds you in secret may be a man of courage or a man of fear. Look deeply into his eyes when you tell him you love him. There you will see if he is made of courage or fear. Then you will know what you must do.
Take strength from the many strong women who have gone before you. Listen to sheath and dollface and bandit. Hear the wisdom of Bobmi and BiggCappone. They are reaching out with the ragged edges of their wounded hearts. Their tears will help cleanse you if cleansing you need. Their stories will encourage you if you will listen.
If your tears do you any good at all, they will show you that what you think you see clearly, you see only in shadow and blur.
The man who holds you in secret may be a man of courage or a man of fear. Look deeply into his eyes when you tell him you love him. There you will see if he is made of courage or fear. Then you will know what you must do.
Take strength from the many strong women who have gone before you. Listen to sheath and dollface and bandit. Hear the wisdom of Bobmi and BiggCappone. They are reaching out with the ragged edges of their wounded hearts. Their tears will help cleanse you if cleansing you need. Their stories will encourage you if you will listen.
blaquelady
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having been the "secret" i can relate. at the time i was a horny woman who never got enough of sex and he was an ex so we knew each other intimately and i didnt care about her but this has come back to haunt me. i know we should treat others the way that we want to be treated but you will never get what you need until you demand better. stop being so available and find other ways to fill your time. get involved in activities that put you in the company of men who are available.
good luck--btw venting is both necesary and good
good luck--btw venting is both necesary and good
living2serve
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I also am a member of the "I've been a secret" club.Even worse, the man and I broke up, he started seeing someone else, but still insisted on seeing me on the sly, all the while telling me not to see anyone else, because he coudn't stand the thought of me with another man. (Yes, I do believe the words stupid and gullible were tattood on my forhead back then.) looking back now, I can see it was an ego trip for him to know he has that kind of power over me. was young and stupid, and held out hope he would eventually choose me. When he did though, I couldn't trust what we had. When someone else came along, would we break it off again and he still expect meto be his "dirty little secret" hidden for no one to see? So, I wised up and broke it off for good. It is an emotional rollercoaster to ride and if this is the type of situation, I would walk away. It's hard. Lord knows I didn't want to let go, but your pride and self respect are worth too much. You are nothing to be ashamed of, adn he should be putting you on a pedestal, not in the closet. Good luck and be strong.
alonelygal
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I've been the secret. I've also put others in the position of being a secret. After being the secret I wish I had never done that to someone. I even apologized to her just a few days ago for doing that to her. It's hard. It's really hard. I empathize.
warrior queen
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being a 'secret' totally sucks.
i've been there twice - both times with the same man, but while both i, and he, were with other people.
the hiding, sneaking, and completely duplicitous behaviour is sooooo NOT a part of who i am inside, that both times i became emotionally distraught and run-down physically as a result.
the trouble is - i love him.
i love what he can do to me, i love what i am when i am with him, i adore the way he makes me feel, and i absolutely would be with him every second if i could.
but the fact that it is all so 'secret' kills me.
no idea how to begin to tell you how to cope with it, but i do wish you all the best.
i've been there twice - both times with the same man, but while both i, and he, were with other people.
the hiding, sneaking, and completely duplicitous behaviour is sooooo NOT a part of who i am inside, that both times i became emotionally distraught and run-down physically as a result.
the trouble is - i love him.
i love what he can do to me, i love what i am when i am with him, i adore the way he makes me feel, and i absolutely would be with him every second if i could.
but the fact that it is all so 'secret' kills me.
no idea how to begin to tell you how to cope with it, but i do wish you all the best.
To be quite honest, I DON'T. I refuse to be some man's guilty pleasure.
I've been a secret twice in my past, but I didn't know that I was the 'other woman'. The minute I found out, I broke it off with the guys (two different guys, at two different times in my life). I loved one of them dearly, but I absolutely refused to have him look at me that way.. I refused to sacrifice some of my self-respect, some of my dignity for that.. either he wanted her or me. He wanted both, so I made his decision for him.
Maybe it's that I'm too selfish. Maybe it's that I don't appreciate liars. I don't know. I just.. knowing I was the other woman.. it made me feel low.
But that's me.
I've been a secret twice in my past, but I didn't know that I was the 'other woman'. The minute I found out, I broke it off with the guys (two different guys, at two different times in my life). I loved one of them dearly, but I absolutely refused to have him look at me that way.. I refused to sacrifice some of my self-respect, some of my dignity for that.. either he wanted her or me. He wanted both, so I made his decision for him.
Maybe it's that I'm too selfish. Maybe it's that I don't appreciate liars. I don't know. I just.. knowing I was the other woman.. it made me feel low.
But that's me.
G
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Bandit58
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I received an email yesterday, from the man I wrote of in my previous post here. I haven't heard from him for 4 months, and here he is telling me he's still in love with me.....after not having seen me in over a year. He knows I've left NZ and am in a new happy relationship and starting a new life......I've moved on and he's still where he was over a year ago, still married, still studying, and still having relationships on the side (I am online friends with his lady friend).
Once upon a time I would have been happy to settle for that, but not anymore. He was good for me at the time, he woke up my sleeping sexuality, and I discovered how wonderful it was to be in love. I also discovered how much it hurts to know that you can't have someone's complete love and attention, and have to settle for bits here and there. I would have waited for him to get his shit together but he at least had some integrity and pushed me away because he told me it was unfair to expect me to wait for maybe years......it hurt so much at the time, I cried buckets and vented all over the place, including Lit.....and I found my love here, a wonderful man who had been a great friend to me but has become much more
alonelygal......I feel for you I know you can't choose who you'll fall in love with, and you say that he can't hurt you as much as you've been hurt before. Believe me hon it still hurts just as much......the man I was with broke my heart. Even though much of it was online and phone, it was very intense for us both. When I received the email yesterday....I was surprised that I really felt nothing but pity for him, and I'm sad for the lovely woman he's using like he used me
Once upon a time I would have been happy to settle for that, but not anymore. He was good for me at the time, he woke up my sleeping sexuality, and I discovered how wonderful it was to be in love. I also discovered how much it hurts to know that you can't have someone's complete love and attention, and have to settle for bits here and there. I would have waited for him to get his shit together but he at least had some integrity and pushed me away because he told me it was unfair to expect me to wait for maybe years......it hurt so much at the time, I cried buckets and vented all over the place, including Lit.....and I found my love here, a wonderful man who had been a great friend to me but has become much more
alonelygal......I feel for you
I know you can't choose who you'll fall in love with, and you say that he can't hurt you as much as you've been hurt before. Believe me hon it still hurts just as much......the man I was with broke my heart. Even though much of it was online and phone, it was very intense for us both. When I received the email yesterday....I was surprised that I really felt nothing but pity for him, and I'm sad for the lovely woman he's using like he used me Bandit58 said:alonelygal......I feel for you
Bandit, dear...I'm so proud of you.
alonelygal...Love knows no boundaries. It doesn't stop at the threshold of 'too much' just because someone is not available to be yours. Love happens, and you can't stop it. Never kid yourself into thinking it will be easier because he is with someone else...it NEVER gets easier. Ever. When you fall in love with a man, it is just that...falling in love. Circumstances? Cupid couldn't give less of a fuck about circumstance.
I would venture to say that not only can he hurt you just as much as you have been hurt before...he will hurt you worse. Because you cannot truly have him. You will always look back on your memories and wonder how much of 'her' leached into your own life. You will never know what was said to you was not said to her. You will never have that kind of security. And that hurts like holy fuck.
If you choose to continue down that road, just do it with eyes wide open...because it is so easy to close them to what you do not want to see.
S.
Missingmeds
Just being
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And from someone who was a "secret" just remember one thing.
You might just be the "secret" flavor of the week, month, or year. If he is cheating on someone else with you, (unless the circumstances are like Bobmi's) he will do it to you too.
Believe me, I know.
You might just be the "secret" flavor of the week, month, or year. If he is cheating on someone else with you, (unless the circumstances are like Bobmi's) he will do it to you too.
Believe me, I know.
Missingmeds said:
Missingmeds, once again you speak the pull-no-punches truth.
alonelygal...IF this man ever leaves her for you (which is highly unlikely)...well, be prepared for that shock of realization when you get THE phone call. You know the one I mean.
Whatever you do, DO NOT love blindly!
I know that is not what you want to hear, hon...but I think those of us responding to this thread wouldn't have wanted to hear it either, way back when.
S.
Bandit, your story - indeed your entire journey - is truly an inspiration. Thank you for being exactly who you are and for being willing to share you pain, your ups, your downs, and, ultimately, your love with us.
Yes, I'll admit it. I've been in the "secret" club as well. Twice, actually. Once because a man was afraid if I was seen in public wih him people might think we were an "item" and he wasn't ready to be a couple. The other? Well, let's just leave at the fact he was lying, cheating, son of bitch, shall we?
As with Vixenshe, I also refuse to play that role again. If a man cannot, or will not, be seen with me in public, or be able to introduce me to his friends and family, I want nothing to do with him. If a man cannot be proud to be seen with me, then why in heaven's name should I waste my time on him? Even if he does lick pussy like no one else? Bleah!
You say that this man is "safe". Exactly what does that mean? Because he is "taken" he can't/won't hurt you? His being unavailable is a separate issue from the feelings of your heart. I'll share something with you that I've learned after 43 years: Yeah, you leave yourself vulnerable when you are in a position to shout your love from the hilltops. But trying to love some one without risk is not love. Love is trusting. Love is giving. Love is opening yourself up to potential heartbreak. Love is sacrifice. Love can also make the world a little brighter. Love can put a smile on your face when your day is going bad. Love is there to help shoulder you. Love listens to all your problems. This is all risk, but well worth it when you find some one worthy of you.
I know that some of the warmest moments for me come when my partner and I are at one of his softball games, and he comes over to me and wraps me in a hug and give me a kiss - in front of all his friends. When he does that, I would walk across hot coals and sleep on nails for that man. With this in mind, why would anyone willingly want to be kept a "secret"?
It's just mind-boggling to me.....
But I hope you work things out for the best.
Yes, I'll admit it. I've been in the "secret" club as well. Twice, actually. Once because a man was afraid if I was seen in public wih him people might think we were an "item" and he wasn't ready to be a couple. The other? Well, let's just leave at the fact he was lying, cheating, son of bitch, shall we?
As with Vixenshe, I also refuse to play that role again. If a man cannot, or will not, be seen with me in public, or be able to introduce me to his friends and family, I want nothing to do with him. If a man cannot be proud to be seen with me, then why in heaven's name should I waste my time on him? Even if he does lick pussy like no one else? Bleah!
You say that this man is "safe". Exactly what does that mean? Because he is "taken" he can't/won't hurt you? His being unavailable is a separate issue from the feelings of your heart. I'll share something with you that I've learned after 43 years: Yeah, you leave yourself vulnerable when you are in a position to shout your love from the hilltops. But trying to love some one without risk is not love. Love is trusting. Love is giving. Love is opening yourself up to potential heartbreak. Love is sacrifice. Love can also make the world a little brighter. Love can put a smile on your face when your day is going bad. Love is there to help shoulder you. Love listens to all your problems. This is all risk, but well worth it when you find some one worthy of you.
I know that some of the warmest moments for me come when my partner and I are at one of his softball games, and he comes over to me and wraps me in a hug and give me a kiss - in front of all his friends. When he does that, I would walk across hot coals and sleep on nails for that man. With this in mind, why would anyone willingly want to be kept a "secret"?
It's just mind-boggling to me.....
But I hope you work things out for the best.
Lynnezertorte
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midwestyankee said:
That's complete rubbish......to say he is a man of courage or fear is giving him too much credit.....a man that holds you in secret is a coward, plain and simple. However, you are being a coward as well and you need to figure out why you enjoy the pain of such relationships. Life is too short for you to allow other people to control your life and that's what they are doing.....they are controlling how you live your life.....with your complete cooperation.
I've been there (the light bulb finally went on at age 33) and I remember the highs (like a drug) and lows (complete desperation) so I feel your pain. You've got to kick the habit which is very hard. Work on your self-esteem and you'll start believing you deserve sooooooo much better. Once I kicked the habit, I met the man of my dreams and what a life I got!!!
Good luck. Lynne
Cathleen
Summer breeze...
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Hi Alonelygal.....
I was a secret years ago...I finally realized he was totally unavailable....emotionally mostly.... I certainly didn't like it and was ashamed for awhile that I let myself be put in that situation....however, lately I seem to be a secret again..... taking a lot of time figuring this out.... I know in the past, I was only attracted to unavailable men....out of fear of being connected....but part of that fear is gone....and yet I still find the behaviors rearing their ugly head again..... I'm thinking long and hard on this one...
Cate
btw...where have you been, my friend!!
I was a secret years ago...I finally realized he was totally unavailable....emotionally mostly.... I certainly didn't like it and was ashamed for awhile that I let myself be put in that situation....however, lately I seem to be a secret again..... taking a lot of time figuring this out.... I know in the past, I was only attracted to unavailable men....out of fear of being connected....but part of that fear is gone....and yet I still find the behaviors rearing their ugly head again..... I'm thinking long and hard on this one...
Cate
btw...where have you been, my friend!!
midwestyankee
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Lynn, I read this yesterday and at first I thought you had misunderstood my post. But as I reflect back on what you wrote and what I had written, I see what you mean.Lynnezertorte said:
Sometimes I get a little too philosophical for my own good. Thanks for the honest reading and the clean criticism.
to you, Lynn.
oo0_boo_0oo
Really Experienced
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I too have been the secret once.
I starting falling for a guy on IRC, we fooled around on the side for a while. He eventually left his wife, I thought he loved me. I thought I had found what I'd been looking for all my life. I spent a whole year of my life believing I was happy, believing I had found a man who loved me, adored me, worshipped me. He certainly made me feel that way.
One year later I was 'awoken' by an annonymous e-mail telling me that this man who adored me was in fact seeing someone else. Doing exactly to me what he did to his wife. Did I deserve any better? I told myself I didn't deserve better for a long time afterwards. I played with fire and I got burned.
So I would say get out of that relationship now. He will do to you what he's doing to his wife....
Or perhaps my experience just gives me that opinion? It could work out for you... who knows...
Whatever happens tho, or whatever you decide... good luck
I starting falling for a guy on IRC, we fooled around on the side for a while. He eventually left his wife, I thought he loved me. I thought I had found what I'd been looking for all my life. I spent a whole year of my life believing I was happy, believing I had found a man who loved me, adored me, worshipped me. He certainly made me feel that way.
One year later I was 'awoken' by an annonymous e-mail telling me that this man who adored me was in fact seeing someone else. Doing exactly to me what he did to his wife. Did I deserve any better? I told myself I didn't deserve better for a long time afterwards. I played with fire and I got burned.
So I would say get out of that relationship now. He will do to you what he's doing to his wife....
Or perhaps my experience just gives me that opinion? It could work out for you... who knows...
Whatever happens tho, or whatever you decide... good luck
SecretKeeper
Virgin
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I'm a 'secret' and actually, I'm enjoying it. There is a certain power in it.
I'm in an LDR for about two and a half years now, but I guess it's slightly different in that we work in the same industry but we're on different sides of the fence. Sort of a Capulet and Montegue thing. So professionally, it's better to be discrete, no matter how badly I have the hots for him.
I think it's kind of funny because so many others think I'm fucking someone else, whom I've never had a sexual relationship, don't have the slightest attraction for. If my actual relationship ever did get out, I think a lot of people would go, "How'd that happen??"
I'm in an LDR for about two and a half years now, but I guess it's slightly different in that we work in the same industry but we're on different sides of the fence. Sort of a Capulet and Montegue thing. So professionally, it's better to be discrete, no matter how badly I have the hots for him.
I think it's kind of funny because so many others think I'm fucking someone else, whom I've never had a sexual relationship, don't have the slightest attraction for. If my actual relationship ever did get out, I think a lot of people would go, "How'd that happen??"
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