How do you handle being a secret?

[warrior queen]

I'm a 'secret' and actually, I'm enjoying it. There is a certain power in it.

I'm in an LDR for about two and a half years now, but I guess it's slightly different in that we work in the same industry but we're on different sides of the fence. Sort of a Capulet and Montegue thing. So professionally, it's better to be discrete, no matter how badly I have the hots for him.

I think it's kind of funny because so many others think I'm fucking someone else, whom I've never had a sexual relationship, don't have the slightest attraction for. If my actual relationship ever did get out, I think a lot of people would go, "How'd that happen??"

i guess it rather depends on what kind of secret you are....
being a secret from colleagues is very different to being a secret from the wife/husband of your lover.

*sigh* and then there's keeping the secret from one's own partner........

 

[rosylady]

Again?

I have always been a secret.In every realtionship I have ever been in.I am not introduced to friends or family.I have been on a total of one date...and I'm 32.How do I break the cycle?The man that I want to love me out loud is understandably unable to do it. But am I just too understanding?I love him,should I tolerate it?I don't want to lose him.When we are together he treats me like a queen.

Maybe I just needed to vent and chose here to do it...no response needed.Thanks for letting me have this out...

joanna

You know you never had to be a secret. Jix and I had an open relationship. All I asked from him was he be honest with me about who he wanted to fuck. I even told him to tell me if was getting interested in someone else.

Blame him and not me if he kept you a secret. I loved him enough to let him go be happy. I'm sorry if I take my anger out on you.

Your only partially to blame. He had told me repeatedly I was his only love online. He also said you and him were JUST FRIENDS. That he cybered you just once and he had told you I was his only girl online. Therefor I think he lied to us both. I hope he's happy with his wife. I give him a week before he's online somewhere else.

 

[rosylady]

To all who have responded...I thank you for your honesty and your openess...I don't know what I'll do.I know that my day is brighter every time we talk.I know that I love him with all my heart and that I will take any time he can spare.I know that he loves me as much as he can.Its plenty for me.Yes he is unavailable...but to me that means he safe.He can't hurt me as much as I have been hurt in the past.We both have safe guards against that,I think.


Bottom line is this...right now he is all that I want.I know its sounds wrong,but we don't really get to choose who we love.I love him...I don't want to lose him.I just want to love him out loud somewhere.For someone to say..."hey guy's good for you"...like I have seen some here do.Even that would be enough.

Yet...I will take the stolen moments...I will take the quick popping in when he has the chance.I love him...I want him...any way I can get him


I love you...

At least now I know what his "fixing the computers" was really.

I do hope you felt guilty knowing he was suppose to be with someone else.

Like I already said Blame him for keeping you a secret.

If he been honest with me from the start I could have been happy with someone else. Thankfully that person still loves and wants me.

 

[alonelygal]

At least now I know what his "fixing the computers" was really.

This is what he told me,as well.i had always thought wondered at the truth of this when he said it.

I do hope you felt guilty knowing he was suppose to be with someone else.

i do feel bad about being a distraction from the people he was meant to be with...his wife and his children.

Like I already said Blame him for keeping you a secret.

i do blame him for me being a secret.i also blame me.i should not have settled for what he was willing to give.i know that i never will again

If he been honest with me from the start I could have been happy with someone else. Thankfully that person still loves and wants me.

It didn't start out being what it ended up,Rosy.i have been on your side of things,so i know that doesn't matter to you.i never meant to hurt anyone by this,i am sorry.

 

[sheath]

I might be out of line by saying this, but here goes.

You ladies can make something good out of all this. First, warn anyone you think he might be involved with online. Or in real life. Save someone else from the lying bastard.

Secondly, don't attack each other. But don't hold back, either. Start your own separate threads, explain how you feel, and send him links. Let him know exactly what he did to you.

Then resolve to never, ever get involved with someone like him again...find someone you never have to doubt. It's obvious both of you doubted things he said at one time or another. Make sure the next person you are involved with is entirely forthcoming about everything in his life. If you get involved with another married man, make sure he's forthcoming about even that.

It's one thing to have a mistress. It's quite another to have a harem.

for both of you. I hope you work past the pain and find the peace and love you both deserve.

S.

 

[Bobmi357]

It's one thing to have a mistress. It's quite another to have a harem.

Sigh....

(Strikes "Harem" off his christmas wish list.)

Oh well, I don't really have the room for a harem anyway.

 

[SlvrTongueDevil]

Have been very fortunate not to be put in a position (yet at least) of having a "secret" lover - or necessitating my lover keeping me one.

But I did have a great friend. She had a series of relationships with married men where she was a "secret, for now". They were always "almost ready" to split, commit to her, etc. But it didn't happen.

I kept telling her she was setting herself up as a perpetual victim.

Long story short (too late, I know), you've got to decide why you're a "secret" and decide if it's worth it. Don't take and shit from anyone!

 

[SXCRgirl]

Plain and simple is, you don't. Being a secret is something that no one can handle, no matter how much love you think you're getting.

I've been in one of these relationships too. For some weird reason, the more taboo it is, the harder it is to extract yourself from it. Don't know why, but it just is.

I've always been the good girl - always doing everything right. People counted on me to be the tower of strength and to take care of everything that they need. But when my marriage crumbled, I finally thought ... hey, you know what? I matter too! I don't always have to be so strong! I need someone to take care of me and make me feel like I matter. So, I meet this person - via online. I fell in love. Deeply. Passionately. I felt alive like I've never ever felt before. The only problem was he was in the middle of a divorce (so he says) and that he was just finalizing things. Me, being the naive girl that I was, trusting as all hell, believed him. I believed every lie that came out of his mouth. Heck, I even believed him when he moved back in with his supposed estranged wife for financial reasons and they were just roomies. Hell, I even believed that he slept on the couch because he loved me TOO much to even think about being with someone else. It was a LDR and there was nothing I could do to disprove what he was saying. I could have hired a PI, but my love wouldn't do that to me. He LOVED me dammit. He said so himself. Every time we spent time together, there was NO way he could love anyone else or think of anyone else except me. He made me feel loved. He made me feel as if I was a queen - but no one else knew about it except me ... and him. He made me believe that it's all that matters. Who else matters, he said? We are the only ones that know our love. No one else can understand. Can you believe I bought this bullshit and came back for seconds?!?!?!?!?!

After 5 years of this nonsense, I fell and hit my head on a table and finally woke up. I wondered what the hell happened in the last 5 years of my life. I realized that he'd been lying to me the whole time and that even if he had left her (he wouldn't leave her because he's a coward), I could NEVER EVER trust him. I would always worry about who he's talking to on the phone. I would always wonder who he's meeting when he's on business travel. You bet I would check every single number on the cellphone bill to make sure it's legit. I would call him several times while he's away to make sure that he's not doing something he's not supposed to. But what kind of a life is that? It's not. There has to be trust in a relationship - and there could be none when it starts out with deceit.

Joanna, I'm sorry you're hurting. It will hurt for a while. But heal yourself and know that you are worth far more than you think. This man may have made you feel complete, but ... has he really? We rationalize it in our heads and make ourselves see what we want to see, when we know deep down inside, it's false. Seek the truth with your heart ... and LISTEN to it. You love him, yes. But it doesn't mean that you have to settle for crumbs. You deserve the whole cookie, and then some!!!

Hang in there girl. Things will get better.

 

[Missingmeds]

I am only going to say this twice, once here and in the other thread that pertains to this situation with the four of you.

That's right, four.

Jinx, Rosy, Alonelygal, and Jinx's wife.

If you knew that he was cheating on his wife with you, what were you thinking that he wouldn't cheat on you with someone else?

I think that the name calling and the insulting are degrading to both ladies of Lit that were involved with him.

The one that most needs to know what happened will likely never know. The one that stands to lose the most will never know. The one that is actually an innocent party in all of this is the one that is going to get hurt the worse and that is

HIS WIFE!!!

 

[SweetBlindness]

I was once in a situation where my SO kept someone a secret from me.

Secret relationships are built upon deception. It takes a never-ending circle of lies to one or both parties involved to keep that secret alive. In my case, I feel that the lies did more damage than the secret relationship. Lies cause you to lose faith and trust.

People that keep others a ''secret'' get off on the thrill of having a relationship that no one else knows about. It's an incredible ego trip to have your cake and eat it too.

Their closest friends often have no idea that they're involved in a triangle. I can almost guarantee that when they're caught, they'll downplay the situation to their friends. "It wasn't really sexual"... or other nonsensical excuses so their friends don't turn on them for being so callous.

I could have written the "secret" a nasty letter, I could have told all of his male and female friends what really went on, but I made a conscious decision not to act out of anger.

If it were to happen a second time, though, I would walk away. No discussion, no forgiveness, just the sound of the screen door slamming behind me.