How often do you have sex with your spouse/SO?

[brilliantape]

Married 7 years, sex 3 or 4 times a month it was only 1 or 2 times a month the past couple of years, so maybe we are making progress.

 

[InTheFade]

InTheFade, this is a key suggestion. My hunch is that it works both ways for a number of reasons and some of them really subtle. There are couples whose sex life took a dive and stayed so when they got the family way, but I know there are other couples who discover a whole new zest for life through their parenting and it has positive spin-offs for their sex life.

Huge subject. wanna start a thread about that?

One absolutely key factor: the man's esteem for his woman while she is pregnant and in the initial months / years of her being a mother. There are men who as lovers fail their women psychologically during that profoundly changing time for the woman, and the consequences may never be recovered from. The result: the man's desire for sexual relations become 'just another demand' on the woman's energies and patience.

Guys who have yet to make babies, take note. Reflect back to her her sexual radiance through every step of pregnancy, post natal, lactation, and all the new and demanding routines of having a little one. She needs your delight in her desirability when you can't have her as much as when you can.

A thread? Ney a book!

A book may already exist. I don't know.

I have a theory that children become the number one priority for women after they are born. And rightly so. Before children, men were (in all healthy relationships). And life was good.

I feel that men can be top priority because the woman find enough of her own time to make it so. We all find enough of our own time.

So children are such time consuming creatures, that the woman seeks time to herself. Her man moves further down the priority list. Maybe sex is an as "just another demand" or chore.

I remember explaining my theory to a coworker of mine years ago. He had children at a later stage than I. At the time, I told him I was somewhere behind Farmville on the "to do" list. I said maybe number 19. All half jokes and mostly true. <-math

He was experiencing the same issue. Many men I've talked to have.

Once you move down the list of important things, it's really hard to move back up. It just is.

I've been on lit a long time. I think that has helped my theory.

 

[suckonsimon]

A book may already exist. I don't know.

I have a theory that children become the number one priority for women after they are born. And rightly so. Before children, men were (in all healthy relationships). And life was good.

I feel that men can be top priority because the woman find enough of her own time to make it so. We all find enough of our own time.

So children are such time consuming creatures, that the woman seeks time to herself. Her man moves further down the priority list. Maybe sex is an as "just another demand" or chore.

I remember explaining my theory to a coworker of mine years ago. He had children at a later stage than I. At the time, I told him I was somewhere behind Farmville on the "to do" list. I said maybe number 19. All half jokes and mostly true. <-math

He was experiencing the same issue. Many men I've talked to have.

Once you move down the list of important things, it's really hard to move back up. It just is.

I've been on lit a long time. I think that has helped my theory.

So the challenge for a guy is to learn to make love to the mother of his children such that she is energized and refreshed by the experience, to the degree that she will wish to make time for that. A woman who is hard pressed by the demands upon her and who has a source of bliss available to her will go to that source. That's gotta be the aim guys!

 

[missgreekgeek]

In all honesty, it depends. I cannot say we have sex more than 12 times every month. It usually is more, however it depends on the alignment of our work schedules, and well, life.
We do not go without though. I will not stand for it.
Sometimes it's a quickie.
Or a finger or two while I'm doing dishes.
Or a bj here and there to last us through the day until we can actually make
the time.
Without hesitation though, we will touch, grab or do whatever we can to remind the other just how much we want each other.

 

[SCcouple1990]

we will touch, grab or do whatever we can to remind the other just how much we want each other.

I agree with that, and think that is important in a relationship. Even if the stars don't align to have sex every day, I think we do something every day to let each other know we love and desire each other.

 

[InTheFade]

So the challenge for a guy is to learn to make love to the mother of his children such that she is energized and refreshed by the experience, to the degree that she will wish to make time for that. A woman who is hard pressed by the demands upon her and who has a source of bliss available to her will go to that source. That's gotta be the aim guys!

You have an interesting take.

Bad habits are easy.

 

[irishwoody]

9 years married
In general about one every two months... from about twice a month in the early days except when trying to conceive - that was a great time.

 

[suckonsimon]

You have an interesting take.

Bad habits are easy.

She's been changing nappies, ferrying to school and back, sorting accounts, putting food in front of everyone, she sits down and dreams of romance as she once had it, then her man wants to shove it in and spunk her up leaving her longing in the night for the real thing - and he wonders why she's less than keen the next time ...

That's the bad habit, guys.

 

[Daddysbadgirl69]

In all honesty, it depends. I cannot say we have sex more than 12 times every month. It usually is more, however it depends on the alignment of our work schedules, and well, life.
We do not go without though. I will not stand for it.
Sometimes it's a quickie.
Or a finger or two while I'm doing dishes.
Or a bj here and there to last us through the day until we can actually make
the time.
Without hesitation though, we will touch, grab or do whatever we can to remind the other just how much we want each other.

We're pretty much the same..... I have to admit I did go through a bit of a lull after our 3rd was born....For over a year...(due to hormones, post-partum, lack of self confidence and who knows what else) it was THE worst ever! It took a long time to bounce back and I'll never get that time back.... So I can only go about making his needs and his pleasure my top priority from now on.

Annnd, I'm doing a pretty good job so far.....Since Friday, the count is at 8 and he's already hinting for more... Not to mention all the other little things he does that make my heart flutter and my clit throb... I seriously feel like a newlywed again...

 

[InTheFade]

She's been changing nappies, ferrying to school and back, sorting accounts, putting food in front of everyone, she sits down and dreams of romance as she once had it, then her man wants to shove it in and spunk her up leaving her longing in the night for the real thing - and he wonders why she's less than keen the next time ...

That's the bad habit, guys.

At first I took this personal.

Except it's very inaccurate and you don't know me.

So many variables in the world.

 

[suckonsimon]

At first I took this personal.

Except it's very inaccurate and you don't know me.

So many variables in the world.

Hey! InTheFade mate!
No way, no way in heaven, was I addressing this at a particular person and far less you, with your real concern about getting to the bottom of why things are the way they are for so many couples with children!

Please please! no way!

I thought we were on a track of seeing if we could check out what some of the pitfalls might be in those so many variables of which you speak!

Heck! I hate it if I have remotely hurt some guy who's already hurting. Do I need to delete?

 

[InTheFade]

Hey! InTheFade mate!
No way, no way in heaven, was I addressing this at a particular person and far less you, with your real concern about getting to the bottom of why things are the way they are for so many couples with children!

Please please! no way!

I thought we were on a track of seeing if we could check out what some of the pitfalls might be in those so many variables of which you speak!

Heck! I hate it if I have remotely hurt some guy who's already hurting. Do I need to delete?

Thank you, but I wasn't actually offended.

As I said, many variables.

I believe children change the focus.

Bad habits become many, but I agree with the main part. Both have to try.

 

[Mercutio_Me]

Loving and being loved!

Every day I feel fortunate that my wife loves me. If she senses I need 'loving,' she says "come here baby," and just puts me inside her. I let her know every day that I love her, and try to do small things and large to let her know how important she is to me. I'm not effusive, but it's important to let people we love know how we feel, to give them compliments, and so on. There's always something positive to say, and it makes things way better than if we hold onto bitterness.

So, we both get what we need from our relationship. I also make sure she has more orgasms than me- it's only a husband's "duty." Truth-be-told though, I like giving her orgasms almost as much as I like them myself. The upshot is that we've been married for 14 years, so it's not as often as it used to be- between 2 and 3 times per week. We've gone as long as a month though when I've been traveling or when other things happen- like her getting the flu, then me getting the flu, then her getting her period, then having family over- you know- when life gets in the way. That's very seldom though. I'm more than fortunate, and reflect on that often!

 

[Asian_Flower]

I have been told many times by my friends that hubby and I are definitely not normal. Married a very long time and we have sex everyday, often twice a day, morning and night. An afternoon session is not that unusual either. I credit this to the fact that we are both very fit, workout most days, eat right, dont smoke and dont have kids. Hubby has been bodybuilding for 25 years so is well built and constantly horny. Our sex drives also are very similar, which is HIGH! Maybe Im just lucky

 

[followmenow6969]

I have been told many times by my friends that hubby and I are definitely not normal. Married a very long time and we have sex everyday, often twice a day, morning and night. An afternoon session is not that unusual either. I credit this to the fact that we are both very fit, workout most days, eat right, dont smoke and dont have kids. Hubby has been bodybuilding for 25 years so is well built and constantly horny. Our sex drives also are very similar, which is HIGH! Maybe Im just lucky

We're he same except we don't work out and probably older than both of you

 

[missgreekgeek]

We're pretty much the same..... I have to admit I did go through a bit of a lull after our 3rd was born....For over a year...(due to hormones, post-partum, lack of self confidence and who knows what else) it was THE worst ever! It took a long time to bounce back and I'll never get that time back.... So I can only go about making his needs and his pleasure my top priority from now on.

Annnd, I'm doing a pretty good job so far.....Since Friday, the count is at 8 and he's already hinting for more... Not to mention all the other little things he does that make my heart flutter and my clit throb... I seriously feel like a newlywed again...

I love the feeling. I wish we had more sex to be honest, just sometimes doesn't work out for us when we work opposite schedules. But hey that's what weekends and days off are for. To compensate for time lost
Glad I'm not the only one <3

 

[SweetSam42]

A book may already exist. I don't know.

I have a theory that children become the number one priority for women after they are born. And rightly so. Before children, men were (in all healthy relationships). And life was good.

I feel that men can be top priority because the woman find enough of her own time to make it so. We all find enough of our own time.

So children are such time consuming creatures, that the woman seeks time to herself. Her man moves further down the priority list. Maybe sex is an as "just another demand" or chore.

I remember explaining my theory to a coworker of mine years ago. He had children at a later stage than I. At the time, I told him I was somewhere behind Farmville on the "to do" list. I said maybe number 19. All half jokes and mostly true. <-math

He was experiencing the same issue. Many men I've talked to have.

Once you move down the list of important things, it's really hard to move back up. It just is.

I've been on lit a long time. I think that has helped my theory.

I have to say, I understand where you're coming from, but I am going to disagree with some points here. And I'm not attacking your situation, Fade - I don't know your personal situation of course. But the reason I have a problem with your post is that you seem to lay the problem at the woman's feet. And I find that a tad unfair.

After we had a child, yes, I was (and am) completely overwhelmed with life and parenting and juggling. Women now typically work outside of the home when they have young kids, and are still expected to take on a giant chunk the responsibilities of running the house and childrearing. My husband would sit around being a lazy ass mother fucker after he was finished with work (and he actually worked fewer hours than I did the first year or so), while I cleaned the house, cooked the meals, fed the baby, planned the social events, did the shopping, all while trying to figure out how to be a parent. And no, I did not feel like penciling him in for sex. I was exhausted.

My situation has somewhat changed from those early years of being a parent, but I will say that sex is a chore for me if you don't make it exciting, and if I run myself into the ground so far that I'm dead on my feet at 8pm. I like sex, but I'd like it more if my husband had done the dishes that night.

My two cents.

 

[absorb]

Married 22 years. Sometimes it's once a week. Others a little more. So I voted right in the middle.
Now if we wanna talk about how often I have sex with my toy, that number goes up a lot

I can so relate. I am married 20 years and yes, once a week is about right. Your right my vibe and dildo toys are used a lot more!~

 

[john_johnson]

Married 15 years about 6 times a month

 

[InTheFade]

I have to say, I understand where you're coming from, but I am going to disagree with some points here. And I'm not attacking your situation, Fade - I don't know your personal situation of course. But the reason I have a problem with your post is that you seem to lay the problem at the woman's feet. And I find that a tad unfair.

After we had a child, yes, I was (and am) completely overwhelmed with life and parenting and juggling. Women now typically work outside of the home when they have young kids, and are still expected to take on a giant chunk the responsibilities of running the house and childrearing. My husband would sit around being a lazy ass mother fucker after he was finished with work (and he actually worked fewer hours than I did the first year or so), while I cleaned the house, cooked the meals, fed the baby, planned the social events, did the shopping, all while trying to figure out how to be a parent. And no, I did not feel like penciling him in for sex. I was exhausted.

My situation has somewhat changed from those early years of being a parent, but I will say that sex is a chore for me if you don't make it exciting, and if I run myself into the ground so far that I'm dead on my feet at 8pm. I like sex, but I'd like it more if my husband had done the dishes that night.

My two cents.

So you and I can agree that having children changes the entire landscape of a relationship.

I will admit that all my responses to this thread have been on my phone. This is not the best way for me to communicate. I need a keyboard under my fingers. Always have.

Phones can make people thoughtless.

I didn't put this on the feet of women. Not by any stretch. All relationships are shared.

I was a very active father. She did not work. I was very understanding when it came to where the priorities were.

I'm simply trying to say it's hard to go back once changes are made. Very hard.

I don't want to go into too much. I just don't.

But the fact is that I'm curious as to how many people's relationships changed because of children. And it goes both ways.

And how many of those who have good sexual relationships after many years have not had children.

It's a shock to the system. Just is.

 

[BriansBrain76]

Once or twice a week if we are lucky. Hectic schedules and there never seems to be enough time

 

[xxxpaulzzz]

I can so relate. I am married 20 years and yes, once a week is about right. Your right my vibe and dildo toys are used a lot more!~

are you saying your S/O doesnt want to oblige or that you prefer the "you and your toy" time alone?

pm me answer in case i lose track of thread. i like a pm in my box on a morning

 

[sincere_guy]

Married 36 years to a wonderful woman but unfortunately my answer to the poll was less than once a month. I still have the libido of a much younger man so it's very frustrating when my wife shows no interest. We have talked about it quite often and tried everything and anything but she just has reached a point where it's no longer important to her. Part of the problem is health issues and medications that have the side effect of lowering her desire. She is okay with me being here on Lit and finding like minded women who also need to feel like they are still wanted and needed sexually.

Life is too short and I still have some living to do.

 

[Bad101]

Married 32 years, I love my wife. Sex about once ever two months.

 

[absorb]

are you saying your S/O doesnt want to oblige or that you prefer the "you and your toy" time alone?

pm me answer in case i lose track of thread. i like a pm in my box on a morning

I did pm you but, here you go. He is only able to go once a week with work, our teen age kids always around and awake very late we have little alone time. Plus we live in a very small two bedroom apartment. There is not privacy unless they are gone at school. Lucky for us he works nights. So, we can have sex during the day. However, he is tired and works a lot so his sex drive is less then mine. I work at home and my sex drive is on turbo. I use my toys for my pleasure to abide the times he is not up to it or we can not find alone time. In a marriage so long and with teen age kids you have to adjust your sex life it is that simple. I do what I have to do to be happy. He does what he can.