How to: Catch a cheating spouse

[mnwerewolf]

Thanks. I tried a search but didn't find anything. I'll have to look again.

As far as what I'm doing wrong. I don't know. It's complicated. I know that I am not an inherently romantic person. But with that knowledge I try even harder. It's just not easy for me to just naturally think of romantic things. But I do try. ( full body lotion messages, candle lit bubble baths when she wakes up or has had a long day, making candle lit dinners, I complement her as often as possible, I kiss her, hug her, and cuddle with her as much as she lets me, etc, etc) Though, we don't have sex very often and when we do, it's pretty... well, it's not exactly exciting. That sucks a lot for me. But she was molested as a child and still struggles with certain sexual issues. So, I don't push anything she's uncomfortable with - which, unfortunately for me, is most everything.

I'm a very understanding and trusting (sometimes overly) person. I don't go snooping about her business. But once my trust has been broken, it's tough to gain it back. Like I said, I've caught her before. I'm not an idiot! I think it's pretty obvious that I'm currently suspicious. And as already stated, I HAVE confronted her.

We, or at least I, have been working on our marriage from the moment I found out she was unhappy. Believe it or not, I didn’t know. The problem is that she’s unhappy with herself right now. She’s projecting it on our marriage. By MY insistence, we are going through counseling and whatever else it takes to save it. However, she’s not taking it very seriously and has been acting very suspicious and out of character. This is not something that I am misconstruing. I have had several discussions with her parents about how they are worried about her for the same reasons. She is not being herself right now. She’s being dishonest and I know her well enough now to recognize that I cannot trust her about this matter at this time.

But thanks, sparc101, I do appreciate your jumping to conclusions.

Here the fucking book on it. You say your doing counseling right, sorry it is time to blow the lid off this whole thing on how you feel quit kissing her ass and in counseling session open it up on sexual relationship. Ask the hard questions don't let her dodge them be straight forward. Time for her to come clean, and love you, or it is time for you to pack her shit and tell her to get out. If you have only been married a short time you can not go forward with this hanging over your relationship, if she not taking counseling serious she not taking your relationship serious, she most likely already gone, now time to get her commitment to be in the relationship or to get the fuck out.

Believe me been there, done it. And our relationship was over 23 years. She decided she like the taste of young little cocks. Fucking every dick in town almost that would and lying about it even in a completely open relationship. I tell you straight forward I toss her ass to curb.

 

[mnwerewolf]

Ditto. I've dealt with a suspicious husband before - I wasn't doing anything wrong, but he insisted I was. In the end, I absolutely hated him for the hell he put me through because of his insecurities.

You don't trust her; looks like you won't ever trust her, so leave.

Don't snoop. It's despicable behavior, and everyone is entitled to some privacy, married or not.

Sometimes it called for peace of mind.

 

[cloudy]

Sometimes it called for peace of mind.

Sorry, I disagree.

If you distrust someone so much that you feel you have to snoop, then you have absolutely no business staying in the relationship. Leave.

 

[emptynester]

Sometimes it called for peace of mind.

That is what our friend thought. His "peace of mind" became "no peace of mind at all." He couldn't sleep, eat, work or go about any of his normal daily functions once he knew for sure.

You have to have trust in a marriage or you have no marriage, IMO. For me, if I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that my spouse had cheated on me, lied to me, drained my bank account and decided to open one without me being on it or informed of it, I wouldn't be waiting around to see what was going to happen next.

As I have posted in other threads, when I married, I married for better or for worse. However, there are two things that would cause me to break that vow. One is being abused by a spouse and the other would be a cheating spouse. I don't think anyone should have to go through the physical or emotional abuse that one or both cause. I am thankful in our 26 years I have never had to deal with either.

Hope you make a decision that you can live with and will not regret.

 

[kandie]

I'd look at the possibility that she's getting ready to leave the marriage. That's what it sounds like to me, with the drained accounts and out-of-character behavior that her parents have noticed too.

She's already cheated in a new marriage, has drained your bank account, is acting suspicious, you have a shitty sex life, don't trust her and she's not taking counseling seriously...why are you still with this person?

I know that's harsh, and I'm sorry you married the wrong person and are going through this, but it sounds like your best bet could be getting out now, before more damage is done, or god forbid, she gets pregnant.

Erika is right. WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH THIS WOMAN?!?!

If your wife was really in love with you and wanting to make the marriage work..........she would not be doing any of the things you talked about. I know every marriage has its up and downs and that is no reason to cheat. Your wife evidently is not finding what she needs at home. It is also apparent, that she can not he honest with herself or you enough to talk face to face, heart to heart about it.

If I was you, I would have a separate bank account privately so you can have money to live on, as it is now, she may take you for all you have. GET OUT while you can.

Kandie

 

[gottohaveit]

cheat

why not have her bring her lover over and have a big party....you can all get this out of your system once and for all.

 

[Cathleen]

I'm not sure I have much of an opinion on the snooping issue. It's not something that I've had much experience with other than I saw clues and kept them to myself for a while. When I asked I was met with his holy grail "I have nothing to hide. I don't lie because I don't do it well." He knew how to do it alright, he could teach a Masters Level course. So go with your gut there.

What sent a halogen light go off for me was she was draining your joint bank account. I'd shut that account down immediately -- vis a vis withdrawing the balance and opening a new account. Then immediately tell her what you did so you two can discuss what the heck is going on and what the two of you will do.

You need to protect yourself fiscally as well as emotionally on this. It goes for anyone in a similar situation.

 

[DisneyBreeze]

Been there done that...

Carnal, you have to confront her. Find out once and for all. In my opinion, no matter what you put on your computer, it will not help. If she's going behind your back, there are plenty of other ways. Computers at the library, at work, if she has a laptop, a cell phone etc. etc. Cheaters WILL find a way. I never even knew that my other half had a "secret" cell phone. Much less other things. I speak from experience. Confront her and then you both have to decide what you want. I would recommend seperate bank accounts for sure. I could write a novel here, but it's your life and to have peace I think you need to talk to her.

Just my two cents worth.

Breeze

 

[DisneyBreeze]

Cathleen is write in her post. That man could teach a course at a Master's Level. Makes me ill just thinking on it!

 

[CarnalDesires]

Back

I just revisited this sight for the first time since the original posting a couple years ago. Reading these some of these things actually make me laugh now. It was all so trivial in the big picture. I know no one will read this. I'm not sure why I'm posting it.

What I've learned:
The accusations were very true. I never found out all the details, but did learn that it doesn't matter. It consumed my life and really screwed me up in too many ways to even begin to explain. But here's the skinny. She never showed up past her 2nd counseling session. She sent me an email at work one day that said she didn't love me anymore and she wasn't coming home again. She didn't. She moved to another state and avoided all contact with people in her life previously. Her parents and friends called worried about her for a long time. She totally screwed me... and not in the way I wanted. haha. She divorced me and forged my name on financial documents that came back to haunt me a year later. Her attorney friends kept her out of jail somehow. She left me with mountains of debt I didn't know about and caused my credit to plummet. I was so screwed up in the head, my career dumped out on me. So yeah, a lot has happened.

About four months after leaving me, she got knocked up by some random guy. They married a few months later. From what I understand, they truly deserve each other. She used to be a good person. I'm not sure what happened to her, but I truly feel sorry for her and her child.

I'm still going through it, but I'm starting to see a hint of light. I continued therapy for a year. I think it helped. Obviously, I have trust issues, but I still manage to trust people with my heart, somehow. Though, I sometimes wish I didn't. I'm greatly humbled, but a better man for it. If I had it to change, I would. But I'm OK with the way my life is working out. I'm still young and healthy and learning to be happy with being alone. And I don't care so much about what strangers on discussion boards say out of ignorance

 

[Sleazy19]

Ignorant stranger here

I just revisited this sight for the first time since the original posting a couple years ago. Reading these some of these things actually make me laugh now. It was all so trivial in the big picture. I know no one will read this. I'm not sure why I'm posting it.

What I've learned:
The accusations were very true. I never found out all the details, but did learn that it doesn't matter. It consumed my life and really screwed me up in too many ways to even begin to explain. But here's the skinny. She never showed up past her 2nd counseling session. She sent me an email at work one day that said she didn't love me anymore and she wasn't coming home again. She didn't. She moved to another state and avoided all contact with people in her life previously. Her parents and friends called worried about her for a long time. She totally screwed me... and not in the way I wanted. haha. She divorced me and forged my name on financial documents that came back to haunt me a year later. Her attorney friends kept her out of jail somehow. She left me with mountains of debt I didn't know about and caused my credit to plummet. I was so screwed up in the head, my career dumped out on me. So yeah, a lot has happened.

About four months after leaving me, she got knocked up by some random guy. They married a few months later. From what I understand, they truly deserve each other. She used to be a good person. I'm not sure what happened to her, but I truly feel sorry for her and her child.

I'm still going through it, but I'm starting to see a hint of light. I continued therapy for a year. I think it helped. Obviously, I have trust issues, but I still manage to trust people with my heart, somehow. Though, I sometimes wish I didn't. I'm greatly humbled, but a better man for it. If I had it to change, I would. But I'm OK with the way my life is working out. I'm still young and healthy and learning to be happy with being alone. And I don't care so much about what strangers on discussion boards say out of ignorance

I wish you the best of luck....

 

[Eilan]

And I don't care so much about what strangers on discussion boards say out of ignorance

I think you got some very good advice on this thread. It might not have been what you wanted to hear, but I don't think people were responding out of ignorance. Even if you think she had it coming, snooping is still wrong.

Glad you got out of the marriage, though.

 

[ZoeBird]

If my spouse opened their own private account and wouldn't let me have access or information to it, I'd assume they were getting ready to leave me and were just getting their ducks in a row financially. Especially after having a rough go of it in the marriage.

 

[fgarvb1]

I understand the overwhelming need to KNOW one way or the other.

Been there done that!.

Had it forced on me and have had it dropped on me out of the clear blue sky so to speak.

You want to know something.

It doesn't matter.

You know she is a lair and you don't trust her and you never will.

She doesn't want you, so who she does want...doesn't matter one little bit.

That is indeed what matters.

Call the dogs and piss on the fire this hunting party is OVER.

Now find out why and how you picked out a woman like this to start with and get on with your life...without her.

Or...you can wait around several months and /or years wasting time and fuck yourself up some more.