How to comfort a parent?

[Saxon Stonedyke]

Maybe it is an Appalachian thing but even the expensive private homes here have had issues in the recent past. They caught a crew of caretakers snapping nude photos of aged residents with cell phone cameras and putting them on the internet. I just don't want to have to trust anyone to not abuse him until I absolutely have to.

As for being a good daughter, hell, I owe the man. He set out to make me tough when I was knee high and if he hadn't done it my own physical issues would have beat me down by now. I have LUPUS (in remission), Fibromyalgia, aggressive Osteoarthritis and am allergic to most anti inflammatory drugs. I refuse to take any pain medication stronger than excedrine because opiates don't treat anything, they just make it easy to pretend it isn't there and ruin many lives in the process.

Pardon the drug sermon

 

[njlauren]

Thank you. I can deal with the care at the moment though I realize it might not always be the case, as I am already ran ragged. It freaks me out when he cries but I can live with it, I just have to learn how to react properly. I can deal with the homophobia as it relates to me personally. I just fail to see how it should reflect on him. He may have had an influence on my being a butch but I would have been a lesbian if he had raised me to wear a tutu and carry a fairy wand. I can't help but be a little angry about it.

You have the right to be angry about it, whatever people feel about you that shouldn't reflect on your dad. I have unfortunately seen that before, a lot of homophobic types believe that being gay is a choice or is somehow otherwise chosen (and if one more Delta Bravo points to that twit Cynthia Nixon saying her being a lesbian was a choice, I'll puke on them; first of all, it was a stupid thing for her to say, secondly what she was saying was she ended up in a lesbian relationship by choice (with the direct idea that she was bi to start with)......anyway, in the idiots minds, somehow if dear old dad hadn't discouraged you (by turning his back on you, like the rest of them), somehow you would have been June cleaver......*grr*.

As far as being butch, I have my doubts about your dad being the cause, if only because being around gender variant people of all persuasions and types, it seems more like something that comes from within us. I know straight and gay women who grew up with tough old dads like yours, in more then a few cases where the mom wasn't around, and some were kind of butch/tomboyish, others grew up to be 'princess' types (some gay, some straight, you get the idea...).

You sound like you are dealing with this as best you can, and that is all of us can do. On top of everything else, you dad is in the grieving period and that makes it even more tough. I wish I had golden wisdom for you, all I can suggest is whatever time you have available to yourself please find ways to pamper yourself a bit, whatever that is, to rest, recharge or whatever (good friend of mine, a pretty tough lady, gets rest and recreation out of kicking the crap out of the (mostly) male instructors at a local mixed martial arts facility, you would have to see it, 5' 1" of ferocity, about the only thing tougher then her is my 4 oz lovebird who knows she is 16' tall *lol*). The other thing is to remember that there is no such thing as handling a situation perfectly and please don't judge yourself if you feel like you are 'failing him', you aren't, those who would ignore him because of foolish idiocy/anally stopped up religious beliefs are. In a similar vein I remember talking to my therapist about being a parent, and she said something I think applies here, too. She said that she could gernally tell who were good parents and who were bad ones, inevitably the good parents always fretted about whether they were doing the right thing for their kid, worried that they weren't doing something right, whereas the parents who had messed up kids inevitably thought they were great parents (with the implication for your situation is that while you probably worry if you are doing the right thing or doing things right, the fact that you worry says you probably are doing the right thing).

 

[Bramblethorn]

You have the right to be angry about it, whatever people feel about you that shouldn't reflect on your dad. I have unfortunately seen that before, a lot of homophobic types believe that being gay is a choice or is somehow otherwise chosen

I get uncomfortable when I see people invoke "not a choice" as an argument against homophobia. It's obviously TRUE for a lot of folk (why would anybody commit suicide over their sexuality if they could just choose a different one?) but it seems like the wrong argument to be making.

IMHO, when we try to excuse homosexuality as some sort of involuntary condition we just encourage the mentality that it IS a sickness. The best outcome you can expect from that argument is some sort of condescending tolerance, and that's not good enough. It also feels like a bit of an insult to all the wonderful same-sex relationships out there - implying that these people only love one another because they don't have the option of a 'normal' relationship.

(If you're not so lucky, you might get some variant of "let us try to cure you".)

The answer I prefer is "because what I do with consenting adults is nobody else's damn business". End of story. Love shouldn't be something that we have to make excuses for.

 

[njlauren]

I get uncomfortable when I see people invoke "not a choice" as an argument against homophobia. It's obviously TRUE for a lot of folk (why would anybody commit suicide over their sexuality if they could just choose a different one?) but it seems like the wrong argument to be making.

IMHO, when we try to excuse homosexuality as some sort of involuntary condition we just encourage the mentality that it IS a sickness. The best outcome you can expect from that argument is some sort of condescending tolerance, and that's not good enough. It also feels like a bit of an insult to all the wonderful same-sex relationships out there - implying that these people only love one another because they don't have the option of a 'normal' relationship.

(If you're not so lucky, you might get some variant of "let us try to cure you".)

The answer I prefer is "because what I do with consenting adults is nobody else's damn business". End of story. Love shouldn't be something that we have to make excuses for.

I agree totally with you and in a perfect world you would be correct, but it isn't a perfect world. When you have so many promoting a book of bronze age myth as truth, when they are basically saying that "God's will" should be law, that the law should allow discrimination against gays and lesbians to 'discourage them'. showing it is not a choice is one way to fight these mutants. Think about the case of MoJo where so called family so don't like her being gay that they are basically shunning a man who likely did nothing to harm them and is sick and older and needs help......that kind of hate is not easily fought, and battles are won/lost in many ways. I would agree with you, it should be no ones business, our society was supposed to have been founded on 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness', our rights basically boiling down to you have the right to do as you wish as long as it doesn't trample the rights of others, but look what happen. Right wingers turn "the pursuit of happiness' into 'the pursuit for property' (which is complete crap, the founders were members of the enlightenment, not the F'rengi).

You also the spector of the so called "libertarian" republicans, who are all for dismantling laws against wearing seat belts, helmets, restrictions on owning guns and the like, but when it comes to social issues (especially the Pauls, Pere et Fils) suddenly it becomes about 'traditional morality' *gag*.

You win every battle you can any way you can, I only wish we had a world where people didn't have to justify who they are. Unfortunately, we don't, and for gays and lesbians it has pretty severe complications. At least with other lifestyle issues you can hide them or keep them private (a straight couple into S/M can live quite freely with that, since they can keep it on the QT), when it comes to being a same sex couple that isn't possible. I would also argue it is a lot easier living in the closet being into BD/SM then it is being in the closet about being gay or lesbian...I wish we lived in a world where a guy who happened to be a cross dresser wouldn't be fired, or a couple into S/M can have kids taken away even if the kids were shown not to be involved, but we aren't there yet (and if it was up to the so called 'libertarian' right that day would never come)

 

[SweetErika]

You have the right to be angry about it, whatever people feel about you that shouldn't reflect on your dad. I have unfortunately seen that before, a lot of homophobic types believe that being gay is a choice or is somehow otherwise chosen (and if one more Delta Bravo points to that twit Cynthia Nixon saying her being a lesbian was a choice, I'll puke on them; first of all, it was a stupid thing for her to say, secondly what she was saying was she ended up in a lesbian relationship by choice (with the direct idea that she was bi to start with)......anyway, in the idiots minds, somehow if dear old dad hadn't discouraged you (by turning his back on you, like the rest of them), somehow you would have been June cleaver......*grr*.

I totally get where you're coming from, and as a member of the LGBT community, I'm deeply offended when people insist sexual orientation is a choice, rather than how we're wired.

However, I've read quite a few of Cynthia Nixon's quotes, and it seems to me that she's just being honest about her own experience. I absolutely respect her honesty (even though I don't like the ways her words can be twisted and used to perpetuate bigotry) and prefer to hear it over crafted statements that toe the PC line.

And as a bisexual woman, I do get what she has said. I myself am currently choosing to live an essentially straight lifestyle, but I could just as easily choose a woman for a life partner and get involved in the lesbian community. If I did focus on women, I'd likely identify as a lesbian since bisexuals are generally not accepted in the L/G community, and I'd see it as a choice simply because my orientation does give me other options. Would I shout that from the rooftops? No. Would I explain it to anyone who was curious and be honest about how I arrived at my current situation? Absolutely!

To Nixon's credit, she did clarify her statements and specify that while SHE feels her bisexuality has given her a choice, she does NOT believe that the vast majority of gay or straight people choose their sexual orientation.

 

[Bramblethorn]

I agree totally with you and in a perfect world you would be correct, but it isn't a perfect world. When you have so many promoting a book of bronze age myth as truth, when they are basically saying that "God's will" should be law, that the law should allow discrimination against gays and lesbians to 'discourage them'. showing it is not a choice is one way to fight these mutants.

It is, but I see it as a short-sighted way that's counter-productive in the long run.

Think about the case of MoJo where so called family so don't like her being gay that they are basically shunning a man who likely did nothing to harm them and is sick and older and needs help......that kind of hate is not easily fought

It's not. But it's also not a rational hate; even if you could CONVINCE those folk that homosexuality is not a choice, that wouldn't win many of them over. Look at how many people are prepared to hate and stereotype based on race.

Already the idea that homosexuality is some sort of involuntary disease provides a market for bogus "cures" - cf all the religious "ex-gay" programs. What happens in a decade or two when our understanding of genetics and the brain advances to the point where it might genuinely be possible to change somebody's orientation? "Born that way" will no longer hold up; IMHO gay rights need to be built on a stronger foundation than that.

At least with other lifestyle issues you can hide them or keep them private (a straight couple into S/M can live quite freely with that, since they can keep it on the QT), when it comes to being a same sex couple that isn't possible.

Depends on the issue. It's hard for a poly family to stay closeted unless they're willing to pretend to the rest of the world (and any kids) that one of them is just a "housemate". And that sort of pretence is not a healthy thing for the relationship.

Me, well, my OSO is about ten thousand miles away, so the only reason any of my workmates know I'm poly (except for one who's family) is because one of them made a chance remark at a work dinner and I had the choice between outing myself or lying about who I am. Fortunately I work in an environment where nobody's likely to make an issue of it.

 

[Saxon Stonedyke]

I had a good long talk with my fathers primary care Doc yesterday. The man is a saint and has been the family Doc since I was a child. They are working on getting us some more home health care and some other things that may be helpful.

As far as acceptance goes, I'm not the type to wrap myself in the rainbow flag and be an activist. I just try to live life as the best person I can be and hope that as people get to know me they will realize we are not bad people simply because we are gay.

But then there is the fact that the woman who gave birth to me spread to all of her family that I am gay and now the two uncle/aunt combinations that live here have their homes up for sale. I guess the fact that my mothers sister was nearly a second mother to me through my childhood and her younger brother was always my favorite uncle and a huge influence on me as a child doesn't change the fact that they can't stand to live two doors down from a queer.

Apparently though blood is said to be thicker than water, my orientation trumps it all.