How to confront an addict...

[dollface007]

Short background:
I have a very dear person in my life who is an alcoholic. I first recognized his drinking as a "problem" a few years ago when i saw he had brought an entire liter of liquor with him on a trip to keep in his hotel room. I thought, "how odd," and have been secretly monitoring his drinking ever since. Now i know he is addicted and can't stop on his own. He told me a couple years ago that he was going to quit drinking b/c he needed to lose weight. He couldn't do it. He told someone else that he was going to quit drinking vodka. He hasn't. Now in addition to the drinking, he is smoking...even though he was diagnosed with emphysema last year.

The question:
How do i confront him about his drinking? I live in another town and don't see him in person often, but i don't think this can wait much longer. I've tried to build up the strength to confront him over the phone, but can't bring myself to do it.

Now i've written him a letter confronting him (as gently as possible) and telling him to get help with a therapist and alcoholics anonymous. I told him in the letter how i'm worried about him and telling him how the drinking and smoking have affected me. The letter is sealed, addressed, and stamped. I just don't know if i'm ready to send it yet. I'm not sure if i'm doing this the right way.

For those of you who have ever confronted a loved one, or have been confronted, about an addiction...what are your opinions and stories?

Thanks in advance,
D

 

[Weird Harold]

Now i've written him a letter confronting him (as gently as possible) and telling him to get help with a therapist and alcoholics anonymous. I told him in the letter how i'm worried about him and telling him how the drinking and smoking have affected me. The letter is sealed, addressed, and stamped. I just don't know if i'm ready to send it yet. I'm not sure if i'm doing this the right way.

Mail it.

It may not be the best way, but it's better than nothing.

Alternatively, wait for the weekend, hand it to him in person and tell him to read it when he's sober.

 

[Missingmeds]

Just don't be surprized at this person's reaction to what you have to say. They could act shameful, remorseful, but the most likely reaction will be one of anger.

 

[sheath]

This thread focuses on cocaine addiction and recovery, but it might be helpful to you.

Now, on to the question...

Warning: I am GOING to ramble. I can't help it on this subject, since my thoughts are usually so scattered on it. Bear with me. I will probably go into areas that having nothing to do with your question, but hey...you know how I am, right? LOL

Someone I love very much is a recovering cocaine and crack addict. In the not-so-distant past, I was in love with an alcoholic, and the alcohol almost destroyed us both before he pulled out of the freefall. I have learned so much, but these are the most important points:

He has to WANT to stop. Just saying "I need to stop" or "I'm going to stop" is not enough. Obviously the source of his addiction is the center of his life and his top priority...for many addicts, they find it almost impossible to break that cycle. And in some cases it remains their top priority, even if they do not indulge...the avoidance of it becomes a full-time, hard-as-hell job. Sometimes stopping involves something as simple as a woman he cares about asking him, please, please...get help. Sometimes it is something as complex as a trip to the emergency room and waking up when everyone thought he should be dead. You never know where the line will be. Only the addict knows that, and he knows when he reaches it.

On to your question...Surely you knew I would get around to it...

Sending him a letter is a good idea, but a better idea is actually sitting down and talking to him. Face to face. And not holding anything back. The sight of someone he cares for in pain because of what is happening with him will make anyone stand up and take notice.

Please know that the first time you bring it up, he might be responsive...he might not. He probably will, since he has mentioned giving it up, and knows deep down he has a problem. But he might also lash out. And if he does...well, the truth is? It hurts more than you can imagine. Because you know he needs help, HE knows he needs help, and his anger or indifference seems like a childish ploy to have what he wants, when he wants it, and it feels as though he is disregarding you. *sigh* It's not like that...but it feels that way. It cuts deep.

So...be prepared, you know? As much as you can be, anyway...

It would be a good idea to get involved with Al-Anon or other programs that help those who love or live with alcoholics and addicts. You might know all the things they tell you, you might know all the logic and how an addict's mind works...but the support, constant and complete, is what helps. I've been there, done that, and think it was a good thing for both of us.

Remember that recovery is individual to the person...it might be cold-turkey, it might be slow, it might be conventional or unconventional. It might not be forever 'clean and sober'. The craving for the drug of choice (alcohol, in this case) is going to be there...some days it is going to be easier than others. Some days it will seem like a breeze. Some days will be focused on nothing BUT the craving, the need. And he will need someone to lean on, but NOT someone to enable him.

Reminding him of his own strength is great...supporting him is essential...but do not coddle him. He has to realize dependence on himself, not on the drug, and not on anyone to take the place and substitute. It is so easy to do, you know? To take that place and try to be there to a point of becoming his only wall between him and that drug? It is so tempting. But doing that doesn't help him. It hinders him. It is a fine line to walk. But knowing you, dollface, you already know that...and you know how to perform that fine balancing act.

But of course, I'm getting ahead of the issue...confronting him. Which you should definitely do. If you can't do it in person, a letter is good...follow it up with a long, honest phone call. Tell a few of his friends what you did, if you want. Just so they might be able to back you up with their own conversations with him. There is strength in numbers! Especially when confronting an addict, more than one person makes a very deep impression.

Like I said, I'm going to ramble, and I did. I hope you can cut through the things that don't pertain to you and get to the things that do.

You have a long journey ahead of you, but a worthwhile one. You're strong. And your friend is so very lucky to have you in his corner.

S.

 

[zhukov1943]

He's not gonna follow through...

I know I wouldn't have, when I was in his shoes. He'll read the letter, and feel guilty (and probably angry), but he'll keep on drinking like he's been drinking, with maybe a twinge more guilt than normal, thanks to the letter - which will probably just make him drink MORE, so he won't think about feeling guilty...

There's a saying in AA that you have to hit "rock bottom" before you really want to get help and stop drinking. I'm afraid that's what your friend is going to have to do. Get a DUI, have health problems, run a business into the ground...Something bad, really bad, that makes you stop and go "woah".

It sucks.

Just be there for him when he does indeed decide to do something about it.

 

[Cathleen]

I have been on both sides of this issue. I've been clean for 17 years and I have friends and family still using. I say that not so much as a means to qualify myself but more as background.

I don't think the letter will help - I wish I could say differently. My guess is that the letter may create a chasm in your relationship for the short run at least, and if he doesn't get help it could mean the end to it all together. But I still think there is something you can do.

I would confront him - in person - and if possible have others with you, very, very close friends of his. People that love him and that he loves too. I suppose it could be called an intervention but it doesn't have to be called anything. I don't think sending the letter is a great idea. I know I wouldn't have wanted to get a letter like that - quite possibly I would have used more as a result. (Behavior isn't predictable though.)

If you do talk with him in person, please have concrete ways to assist him with you - right there. At the least have a meeting book for AA meetings, perhaps if you attend a few "open" meetings of AA (where one need not be an alcoholic/addict) you could speak with someone as well as pick up some literature. Maybe someone will offer information about centers or treatment facilities that you can then bring to your friend. Maybe someone will offer to be there with you - and offer to help him by getting him to a meeting. (Part of the AA and Alanon fellowships are to help others.)

You must know going into this that he will not change unless he wants to - in his time. It may be he knows he has a problem but knowing isn't enough for many. There is something to be said for the "rock bottom" theory too.

It is a most complex and complicated issue for everyone involved, so know this isn't easy for anyone, but most especially him. To stare your demon in the face is damn hard - to admit you need help, to admit you have a problem, to admit your wrongdoings, to admit so much.

I think it is wonderful you care enough, but caring alone won't be enough so please make sure you are as prepared as possible AND that you are putting your relationship on the line too. I don't mean to scare you out of helping - I would never want you not to help - just know until he finds a way for himself in this world, without the drink, the fact that he knows you know he has a problem will be hard for him to want to be around you. You may become a scapegoat of sorts - nothing fatal, just know it may happen.

I would take some time to gather information to help him, yes your experiences with him (the hurt, the emotions you feel) are valid to share with him but you should offer him more too. It certainly seems you will support him which he will need but the best I can offer here is to find someone who has been there - a recovering alcoholic - to be there for him too.

Knowing isn't enough - the longest distance traveled is the 12 inches from the head to the heart.

I'm glad you care enough to seek help for him and to be there for him - all the best to you both.


Cate

 

[flyindolphine]

mail it, try to do anything to help him. i blame myself for not doing anything to help my family member who is dead now, because of alcohol. till this day i still blame myself for not trying to help him.

 

[curiousjen]

When i was an addict....i wouldn't listen to friends and family... thought they had a hidden agenda.....couldn't see the pain i was causing...didn't really care....that rock bottom thing is so true....mine was winding up in hospital thinking i was at the centre of a goverment plot....and one of the doctors said to me "you have to stop smoking that stuff or you will go on and on like this until you permenantly damage your mind" That moment, i stopped, and have never had another joint since. It has been hard. But I'm better for it.

That letter might help him, but it wouldn't have helped me... you're too close...he needs a caring stranger....for that wake up call....you've just got to be there when it happens..with all your support and love...it will be needed and appriciated!

 

[dollface007]

Thank you all for your replies. You've given me a lot to think about. I haven't made a decision yet as to what i will do. Please keep your replies coming.

I am torn between not wanting to damage our relationship and potentially living with a lifetime of guilt if i don't say anything and the worst happens. That's why I want to make sure to help him in a matter that is both effective and timely.

One thing i know is that i will not organize an intervention. I have dealt with the subject of interventions before and the professional opinion that i got was, "this is a last resort." It's not to that point yet, and on a personal level, i know it would be the worst way to approach the problem. When it does get to that point, i will consider it....and only under professional supervision.

I will definitely start talking to others in his life and gathering support that way. I know for a fact that i'm not the only one who feels he has a problem.

Thanks again for sharing. I knew i could come to you guys for some sound advice.

D

 

[Needssome]

I have never been an addict myself but with the literature that I've read and experiences I've had, waiting for someone to "hit rock bottom" before you can help them is not the way to go. Unfortunately, for many people "rock bottom" is death. Until it kills you, there's always some place further to fall. I guess, I kind of view the other experiences that have been shared as "ah-ha!" moments anyways. Believing that someone has to hit rock bottom before they can be helped (and only trying to help then) is not only crazy, but also dangerous - to themselves and others.

I am of the firm belief that you have to try and help - even if it apparently doesn't do any good. You never know what little thing you say might stick in their head and change how they view things. I agree with everyone else though, there is strength in numbers. The more people you can have backing you up, the more powerful your message will be (whether it gets through or not).

So I would try to first get other people who love your friend to join you in your cause. It may at first be a matter of denial, but it may also be a matter of relief. Knowing there are many people out there willing to catch you before you fall.

 

[Weird Harold]

I am torn between not wanting to damage our relationship and potentially living with a lifetime of guilt if i don't say anything and the worst happens. That's why I want to make sure to help him in a matter that is both effective and timely.

I'd suggest that you do some reading about "Enablers" and "co-dependents" -- Your letter might not be effective, but it's a step in the right direction and a step away from being an "enabler" or "co-dependent."

From your description, I don't think this is a situation you can change with only your influence -- getting his other friends nd aquaintances involved is going to be absolutely critical.

As a Reformed Lush, I know that it takes "having your nose rubbed in your problem" to effect a change in a drinker's attitude. Your letter may only be the first step, or it might be the last little nudge he needs to really see his problem.

 

[sheath]

Believing that someone has to hit rock bottom before they can be helped (and only trying to help then) is not only crazy, but also dangerous - to themselves and others.

I think it's important to note that 'rock bottom' is different for different people. For that man who is so dear to me, rock bottom was a sudden moment in which he realized the drug controlled his every single action, and he was not his "own" anymore. He was a puppet to a little white line. He didn't care if he woke up the next morning. That was HIS rock bottom.

For some, it might be death...they might be that deeply in denial, or just might be that deeply under the influence. For some, it might be the loss of a relationship, a friendship...anything, really, that strikes them on that deep level of clarity. There has to be a moment when the addict decides for themselves, 'this is not ME'. It isn't necessarily death or the close specter of it...though, sadly, it sometimes can be.

S.

 

[dollface007]

Update....

It seems my prayers may have been answered....

The alcoholic i've been talking about was rushed to the hospital this week after he was found unconscious on the floor in his house. He had been taking Xanax and pain killers (both legitimately prescribed) but had also been drinking and hadn't eaten all day. The doctor at the hospital told him that his blood-alcohol level was too high and that was the reason he passed out. This is a big guy, so he had to be taking alot of medication and drinking alot for this to happen.

When the doctors told him this, he was openly humiliated and devastated. I know how ashamed he was, b/c he didn't even tell me this happened when i spoke to him today...someone else had to tell me. He decided he needed to stop drinking cold turkey. I really really hope that this was his "rock bottom" moment...or at least a turning point.

I have to say, i think i may have really freaked out about the "incident" if it hadn't been for this thread. From what you guys have said, i've been able to see this in a positive light. Thank you all for that. I have an idea now what i need to do....support him...talk to him about taking care of himself and his body...let him know that he's not alone. I'm not going to send that letter now that this has happened, and i hope that i never have to.

Weird Harold, thanks for your advice on literature about "enablers." I think it's a really good idea...any suggestions on specific books?

Thanks again,
D

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Update....

Weird Harold, thanks for your advice on literature about "enablers." I think it's a really good idea...any suggestions on specific books?

Most of what I've read has been about those concepts has been on the Internet. I think the best place to start would be AlAnon or a similar organizations website.

Essentially, being an "enabler" boils down to making excuses for not doing or saying something. It's a bit more complicated than that, but that's the basics.

"Co-Dependent" is a bit more complicated, but It doesn't sound like you're in a position where it would apply to you. Still, part of helping an addict is recognising the enablers and co-dependents around him so you can minimize their effects.

 

[Cathleen]

Doll - I'm sorry it got this bad, but am glad he maybe at the beginning of facing this. My best to you both and all those who love him. That shame and humiliation are so difficult - a pain in the core of him. I pray for you all.

 

[dollface007]

Doll - I'm sorry it got this bad, but am glad he maybe at the beginning of facing this. My best to you both and all those who love him. That shame and humiliation are so difficult - a pain in the core of him. I pray for you all.

Cathleen,
Thank you so much. This was a great message to wake up to. He's hurting so bad...emotionally and physically. Your prayers are very much appreciated.



D