How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would
make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation
responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound
up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the
host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen,
Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after
several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy
sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left,
the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did
you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was
telling you to let my people go!"

 

[wally2450]

I used to work for a boss who was a tyrant. One day I made a big
mistake on a project we were working on and he started yelling at me,
and said that I screwed up months worth of work in 4 hours. I felt
bad for a few seconds then responded with, "See, I really do make a
difference around here."

 

[wally2450]

In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom

one day the great philosopher came upon an old friend who ran up to him excitedly and said 'Socrates, do you know what i just heard about one of your pupils?'

'wait a minute' said socrates 'before you tell me i would like you to pass a little test called the triple filter test'

'triple filter?'

'thats right' Socrates continued 'before you tell me about my pupil lets take a moment to filter what you are going to say. the first filter is truth. have you made absolutly sure that what you are going to tell me is true?'

'no' says the man 'actually, i only just heard it'

'so you dont know its true....now lets try the second filter, the filter of goodness. is what you are going to tell me about my pupil something good?'

'no, on the contary.....'

'so...you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you dont know its true'

the man shrugged, feeling a little embarressed

socrates continued 'you may still pass the final filter......the filter of usefullness.....is what you are going to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'no....not really.....'

'well....' says the great man 'if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor useful....why tell me it all?'

the man was defeated and ashamed, this is the reason why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

it also explains why he never found out Plato was shagging his wife

 

[Ron54]

Home Depot
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot
when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I
was going".

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter
top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "It doesn't matter --- let's just look for yours."

 

[wally2450]

While out of town at a business convention, a man decides to write
his wife a brief note, but can't find the hotel envelopes and paper
customarily found in the room's desk. He goes to the lobby gift shop
and inquires of the clerk, a pretty young lady, "Do you keep
stationery?" The clerk replies, "Well, yes I do - up until the last
minute, then I just go crazy!"

 

[wally2450]

Although born to a good Irish-Catholic family, Colm had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5000."

"Holy Mother! $5,000!" exclaimed Colm , "That's a lot of money. How about $50?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

 

[smoothdevil]

There was a ragged, old, retired Battleship type, Master Chief Boatswains Mate
who shuffled into a waterfront lounge in San Francisco stinking of whisky and
cigarettes. His hands shook as he pulled the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from
the window and handed it to the bartender.

"I'd like to apply for the job," he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old salt, but it
had been quite awhile since he had a piano player and business was falling
off. So, the barkeep decided to give him a try.

The old "Boats" staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons
snickered at the specter of such a disheveled at the piano. But by the time he
was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike
anyone had heard any where before. When he finished there wasn't a dry
eye in the place.

The bartender took the old master chief a beer and asked him the name of the
song he had just played. "I wrote it and I call it, "Drop Your Skivvies, Baby, We're
Gonna Screw Tonight'," as he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the maestro went on with a knee-slapping,
hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.

After he finished, he politely acknowledged the applause and told the crowd the song
was called, "Big Tits Make My Anchor Chain Run Out." He then excused himself as
he lurched off to the head.

When the guy came out of the head, the bartender went over to him and
said," Look, Chief. The job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and
your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old salt replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

 

[smoothdevil]

>Subject: 4 Sophomores at Duke Univ.
>
>
>
>
> > > There were four sophomores at Duke University taking
> > > chemistry and all of
> > > them had "A's" so far. These four friends were so
> > > confident, that the
> > > weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends
> > > and have a big
> > > party.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying,
> > > they slept all day
> > > Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday
> > > morning. Rather
> > > than taking the final then, they decided that after the
> > > final they would
> > > explain to their professor why they missed it.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > They said that they visited friends but on the way back
> > > they had a flat
> > > tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor
> > > agreed they could
> > > make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and
> > > relieved they
> > > studied that night for the exam.
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them
> > > a test booklet.
> > > They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.
> > > Cool, they thought!
> > > Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be
> > > easy ... then they
> > > turned the page. On the second page was written ...
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > For 95 points:
> > > Which tire? ______
> > >
> > >

 

[smoothdevil]

female and male geography

female geography

Between 18 and 20

a woman is like Africa ,
half discovered, half wild, naturally
beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30

a woman is like America ,
well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35

she is like India , very
hot, relaxed and convinced of her own
beauty.

Between 36 and 40

a woman is like France .
Gently aging, but still a warm and a
desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50

she is like Yugoslavia ,

lost the war - haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60,

she is like Russia ,
very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70,

Mongolia , with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70,

they become Afghanistan . Most
everyone knows where it is, but no one
wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN,

Between 15 and 70

A man is like IRAQ--- RULED by a DICK

 

[wally2450]

Frank is admitted to an old peoples home. he's a little lonely, so he goes in search of a friend. After wandering around for a while he meets Mabel. They strike up a friendship, every day they meet at the swimming pool and chat, just passing the time of day.
One day Frank says "do you know what I miss the most about youth Mabel?"
"no Frank, what?" she replies.
"Sex" he says.
"ooh you randy old goat!" she squawks.
"not like that Mabel, I just wish sometimes that somebody would take my old chap out and hold it"
Mabel doesn't think that it can do any harm, so out it comes. This continues for a week or so, nothing untoward, just gentle holding. Well one day Mabel turns up to find that Frank is missing, frantically she searches the old people home finally finding him at the back of the shed with another old woman. "Frank!" she screams "what's going on?, why are you seeing another woman?, what is it that she's got that I haven't?"
Frank replies "parkinsons".

 

[Ron54]

One day a Polish family a town. The polish girl went to school next day. Two boys asked her
to climb the flag pole for five dollars. So she did. She went home and told her mom.
She said, "Mom I made money for climbing a flag pole."
The mother replied, "don?t do that because they only want to see your panties."
The next day she did it for 10 dollars. She told her mom again. The next she did it again for 15 dollars. She came home and told her mom.
"Mommy Mommy, I made more money for climbing the flagpole".
Her mother replied, "I thought I told you not to climb that pole because they only want to see your panties. "But Mommy I got them this time I didn?t wear any panties."

 

[smoothdevil]

take my wife

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

 

[smoothdevil]

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?





About 5 drinks.

 

[smoothdevil]

Scots aren't stupid . . .

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?”

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars - Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

 

[smoothdevil]

>>
>> Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
>>Husband : Nothing.
>>Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
>>an hour ??
>>Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.
>>
>> **********
>>
>>Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
>>A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures
>>you continue to do so.
>>
>> **********
>>
>>Wife : Do you want dinner?
>>Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
>>Wife : Yes and no.
>>
>> **********

 

[NippleMuncher]

I received this today, thought I'd share it.

----------------------------------------

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

means a smile and

is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by



:-(

Well, how about some "ARSICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular Arse

(__!__) a fat Arse

(!) a tight Arse

(_*_) a sore Arse

{_!_} a swishy Arse

(_o_) an Arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my Arse

(_X_) leave my Arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired Arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart Arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his Arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse


You have just been e-mooned! Send this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with
people laughing at your e-mail. This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't
have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to e-Moon a friend?)

 

[wally2450]

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason:"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

 

[wally2450]

I was showing one of the waitresses in our local gin mill how to fold
a napkin to look like a swan when the girl, a rather gorgeous young
thing, batted her eyes and commented, "You have the most delicate,
slender hands. Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did I forgive her, later on I obliged her.

 

[wally2450]

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE RELIGIOUS WAY
How many religious people does it take to change a light
bulb?

Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of
darkness.

Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic : None
Candles only.

Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve
the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried
chicken.

Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk
about how much better the old one was.

Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to
do it.

Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against
the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have
found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem
or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next
Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life,
and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence

Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved.
You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of
your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish
to pass.

Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church
lighting policy.

Lutherans: None
Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish :
What's a light bulb?

 

[wally2450]

When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to
cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he
would have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which
ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Night after night the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger
girls performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one
of the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your
fabulous technique." "What I did, Oh Sovereign of the Sands, was to
suck on ice cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see,
my Mother told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."

 

[wally2450]

A farmer is sat in his local getting drunk when the barman wanders over and says, "Grateful as I am for the business, it’s a beautiful day out there, why aren’t you out there enjoying it?"

The farmer shakes his head, "Some things you just can’t explain."

"Want to talk about it?" asks the barman, sensing a problem.

"Sure," replies the farmer. "Earlier I was sat milking my cow and just as I got the bucket full she lifted her leg and kicked the whole lot over."

"That’s not so bad," says the barman.

"That’s what I thought," replies the farmer. "After all, some things you just can’t explain."

"So what happened then?" asks the barman.

"Well, I took her left leg and tied it to a post," explains the farmer. "But just a few minutes later her right leg kicked the bucket over again!"

"Some things you just can’t explain, eh?" laughs the barman.

"Right," says the farmer. "So I tied that leg to another post, started milking again and then her tail knocks the bucket over!"

"So what did you do?" asks the barman.

"Well, I’d run out of rope by then," says the farmer. "So I took my belt off and tied her tail to the rafter. Then my pants fell down and the wife walked in....and well, like I said, some things you just can’t explain."

 

[wally2450]

Ain't it the truth. Right out of a Dilbert strip.


In the Beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And The Plan was completely without substance.

And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. “It is a crock of shit and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto the Supervisors and sayeth, “It is a pail of dung and none may abide the odor thereof.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them, “It is a container of excrement and it is very strong. Such that none may abide it.”

And the Managers went unto the Directors and sayeth, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it.”

And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents. And sayeth unto them, “It promotes growth, and is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President. And sayeth unto him, “This new Plan will actively promote the growth And efficiency of this Company
And in these areas in particular.”

And the President looked upon the Plan. And he saw that it was good, and the Plan became Policy.

And this is how Shit Happens!

 

[wally2450]

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

 

[wally2450]

A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist for her first cleaning and check-up. The hygienist tried to strike up a conversation but got no response.

After the cleaning, the dentist was called in to do the final check. The dentist tried to strike up a conversation as well.

"How old are you?"

No response.

The dentist then asked, "Don't you know how old you are?"

Immediately four tiny fingers went up.

"Oh," replied the dentist, "and do you know how old that is?"

Four little fingers went up once again.

Continuing the effort to get a response, the dentist asked . . . "Can you talk?"

The solemn little patient looked at him and asked, "Can you count asshole?!"

 

[wally2450]

A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a bar in
Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive woman. "Hi," he
said, "I'm new in town. Can I buy you a drink?" "Get lost," she
remarked, "I am Lesbian." "Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things in
Beirut?"