How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiti ng for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

 

[smoothdevil]

>>A couple made a deal that whomever died first would
>>come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
>>Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
>>
>>After a long life together, the husband was the first
>>to die. True to his word he made contact,
>>"Debbie...Debbie. "
>>
>>"Is that you, Joe?"
>>
>>"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
>>
>>"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
>>
>>"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
>>breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I
>>have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have
>>sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch
>>(you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp
>>around the golf course, then pretty much have sex
>>the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back
>>to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late
>>at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then
>>the next day it starts all over again."
>>
>>"Oh, Joe you surely must be in Heaven!"
>>
>>"Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in
>>Arizona."

 

[wally2450]

Not Ready For Marriage

"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy,
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist
in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a
fireball in the bedroom."

"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he
again ran into Joe.

"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.

"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."

"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"

"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in
my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed.
Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we
got company, but she's an economist in the bed-room."

 

[wally2450]

Playing in sandbox

Little Johnny and Jane are playing in a sandbox. Little
Johnny has to go to take a pee but he was told by his
mother to always be polite and don't talk about private
matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while because he
does not know what to say Jane to excuse himself. Then
he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant
to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to Jane
and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my
nose." And saying that he leaps out of the sandbox and
runs to the washroom.

When he comes back Jane looks up at him and asks, "Did
you powder your nose?"

"Yes" said Little Johnny stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then" says Jane, "You'd better close your compact
because your lipstick is hanging out!"

 

[wally2450]

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey they had received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

When she walked back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Faith and Begorrah, don't sell that cow."

 

[wally2450]

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.
He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?" "You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.

 

[wally2450]

Selma telephones home with some exciting news:

"Mama, I got married."
"Mazel Tov," says Mama.

"I might as well tell you, Mama, he's not of our Faith."
"So he's a goy. But am I prejudiced?"

"But, Mama, he's also black."
"So he's a schvartzeh. By me, everybody should be tolerant."

"Well, frankly, Mama, he's also unemployed."
"So, you'll support him. A wife should help her husband."

"But, Mama, we have no place to live."
"Don't worry, Selma, dear. You'll move in with us."

"But Mama, you have only one bedroom."
"That's okay. You and your husband can have the bedroom."

"Yes, Mama, but where will you and Papa sleep?"
"Papa can sleep on the couch in the living room."

"Yes, Mama, but where will *you* sleep?"
"Selma, dear, about me you don't need to worry. The minute I get off the phone...
I'm going to drop dead."

 

[wally2450]

A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing (ready) to jump.

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."

He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."

He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''

She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee."

 

[wally2450]

At a party a guy cornered a girl and whispered something in her ear.
"You filthy pervert!" she shrieked. "What makes you think I'd let you
do a thing like that to me?" Then her eyes narrowed and she said,
"Unless you're the s.o.b. that stole my diary..."

 

[wally2450]

The blond teen-age girl had long been infatuated with a popular
local disc jockey and finally got to meet him when the station held
an open house. When she seductively suggested they get better
acquainted, he took her into a vacant studio and unzipped his pants.
"I suppose you know what this is?" he whispered. "I sure do," she
said, grasping it in her hand and putting it near her mouth, "I'd
like to say hello to Ricky, Bobby, Tina and the whole gang down at
Danny's Pizzeria!"

 

[wally2450]

Jasmine went to Melva's place to tell her about a horrible experience
she had the previous night with this guy she took home. "Well, what
happened when you got there?" asked Melva. "After we had some real
freaky sex, the son-of-a-bitch called me a slut!" Somewhat shocked,
Melva asked, "What did you do then?" "I told him to get the hell out
of my bedroom, and to take his five biker friends with him!"

 

[wally2450]

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."

 

[Saucyminx]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she noticed a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in."

The goblins replies "OK, you've got it.".

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."

"OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."


Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"

"I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins."

 

[Saucyminx]

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take down her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - thats why I am here!"

 

[wally2450]

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she noticed a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.
"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!".

So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in."

The goblins replies "OK, you've got it.".

Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes."

"OK, you've got that too."

"My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me."

"OK then, if that's what it takes..."


Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.
"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?"

"I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins."

 

[wally2450]

A teacher was doing a study testing their sense of taste on first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow.................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After
eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," the teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's
what your mother sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out
and yelled:

"Oh, my gosh!! They're ass-holes!!!"

 

[LastoftheGentlemen]

NHS Family Planning Advice

http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b269/CBR6/Funnies/family_planning.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss
called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had
a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct
yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could
come and go as you please around here ?" Sharon simply smiled, lit up
a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

 

[wally2450]

"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every
time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward,
I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the
psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will
power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed
the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed
afterward."

 

[wally2450]

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some
minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I
came home from work to find my fiancee quite upset. She gave me the
silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had
noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written
"Escort Service."

 

[wally2450]

A beautiful blond stuttered badly. She met an amorous man one day who
started making advances. Before she could say, "I'm not that kind of
girl!" she was.

 

[wally2450]

One of rock and roll's earliest - and greatest - rock performers was
the incomparable Buddy Holly. Despite his bespectacled, nerdy
appearance, the man really knew how to ignite an audience. In fact,
the folks who attended Buddy's performances got so excited that many
of his concerts ended with a riot. Just as soon as the fans saw that
Buddy had performed the closing song, they would fly into a
collective rage, smash chairs, storm the stage, and tear down the
curtain. So no theater owner would hire Buddy because they feared
that their patrons would wreck the halls, with bows of Holly.

 

[wally2450]

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a girl who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another girl and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies "A cock". He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but, oh well. A couple of weeks later he meets a girl who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

 

[MercyMia]

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

 

[wally2450]

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

Hahaha!