How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A young rabbi, fresh out of the Yeshivah, thought it would help him
better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations
faced if he first took a job as a policeman. He passed the physical
examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act
quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was
asked, "What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?" He thought
for a moment and then said, "I would take up a collection."


A young lady, having committed some small offense, was made to eat
dinner alone, at a little table in the corner of the kitchen. The
rest of the family was paying her no attention until she began to
pray in a loud voice, "I thank you, Lord, for preparing this table
before me in the presence of mine enemies..."

 

[glynndah]

MRE dinner date, The following is a true story....told from the point of
view of a Marine ...

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/re hydrated rice. I cooked
the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive
oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash.
I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I
then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda
like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkle things from one of my spice
cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkle things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Viola--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the
Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she
liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch,
this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG
with me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and
she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine
Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and
said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
the couch.

I know ... I'm an Asshole, but it was still a funny night.

 

[glynndah]

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.

 

[Spence99]

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon.

*giggle*

 

[smoothdevil]

A 6-year-old and 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom."You know what?" says the 6 year-old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

 

[smoothdevil]

The North and South



The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.


FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . .


In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.!

Be advised that "He needed killin." is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

 

[smoothdevil]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
_____________

 

[smoothdevil]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise.

" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

 

[smoothdevil]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I said, "Well, then why are you crying?"

She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?"

She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."

I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"

She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

 

[smoothdevil]

>>> Why Men Make Better Friends
>>>
>>>Friendship Between Women:
>>>
>>>A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband
>>>that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10
>>>best friends. None of them knew about it.
>>>
>>>Friendship between Men:
>>>
>>>A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he
>>>had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
>>>best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two
>>>claimed that he was still there.
>

 

[wally2450]

On the day of the wedding, Sophie was getting Dressed, surrounded by
all her family and she Suddenly realized she had forgotten to get
shoes. ((Panic)) Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of
White shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately, they were a bit too small and by the Time the
festivities were over Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and
Edward withdrew to their room the only thing She could think of was
getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door
to the Bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts,
Straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they
heard Edward say, "Darn, that was tight." "There," whispered the
mother. "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise they
heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more
grunting And straining and at last Edward said, "My God! That was
even tighter!" "That's my boy," said the father. "Once a sailor,
always a sailor."

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/137200.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/120755.jpg

 

[wally2450]

>> >next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
>> >temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used
>> >to be. Here are some facts about the1500s:
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
>> >in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
>> >starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide
>> >the body odor. Hence th e custom today of carrying a bouquet when
>> >getting married.
>> >
>> >Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
>> >house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other
>> >sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all
>> >the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose
>> >someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the
>> >Bath water..
>> >
>> >Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
>> >underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
>> >the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof When
>> >it rained it became
>> >slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
>> >Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dog s.
>> >
>> >There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
>> >posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
>> >could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a
>> >sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy
>> >beds came into existence.
>> >
>> >The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>> >Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would
>> >get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw)
>> >on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they
>> >added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all
>> >start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
>> >entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.
>> > < BR>>> >(Getting quite an
>> >education, aren't you?)
>> >
>> >In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
>> >always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
>> >things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
>> >meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
>> >pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
>> >Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
>> >Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
>> >porridge in the pot nine days old..
>> >
>> >Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
>> >special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to
>> >show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the
> > >bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
>> >all sit around and chew the fat..
>> >
>> >Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
>> >content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
>> >poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the
>> >next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>> >
>> >Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
>> >of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
>> >the upper crust.
>> >
>> >Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
>> >sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone
>> >walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for
>> >burial. They were la id out on the kitchen table for a couple of days
>> >and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and
>> >see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
>> >
>> >England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
>> >places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take
>> >the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these
>> >coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
>> >inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they
>> >would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
>> >coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would
>> >have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to
>> >listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or
>> >was considered a ..dead ringer..
>> >
>> >And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring!
>> >Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.

 

[luve2fly]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

 

[wally2450]

Confused Little Boy



A little boy came home from school one day slightly confused.



His mother was Jewish and his father was black. So he asks, "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more Black?"



"What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father".



So, when his father got home, he asks the same question, "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Black?"



"What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more black?" asks his dad.



"Well, it's like this dad... Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew his ass down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the motherfucker."

 

[luve2fly]

Flight attendant: ... We don't expect a change in cabin pressure, but if it does occur, a designer oxygen mask will be released in front of you. Secure the mask on yourself first, then, if you are traveling with children, put a mask on the child with the most potential, then put a mask on the other one...
Mother passenger: [Gasps, horrified.]
Flight attendant: ... This is a non-smoking flight, but if you do decide to smoke, we will have you reseated on the wing of the plane where you can watch our feature presentation of Bye Bye Birdie or Gone with the Wind...

Southwest Airlines flight from Kansas City, Missouri, to Tampa, Florida

 

[wally2450]

50th wedding anniversary

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet
celebrating it, Bob was asked to give his friends a brief
account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us, Bob, just what is it you have learned from all
those wonderful years with your wife?"

Bob responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness,
forbearance, self restraint, forgiveness, and a great many
other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."

 

[MercyMia]

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

 

[glynndah]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

 

[wally2450]

MRE dinner date, The following is a true story....told from the point of
view of a Marine ...

I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.
After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten.

I got out my trusty case of MRE's. Meal, Ready-to-Eat. Field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la- King, and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/re hydrated rice. I cooked
the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sauteed in shaved garlic and olive
oil.

In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together
to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash.
I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I
then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.

When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda
like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkle things from one of my spice
cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkle things on it, it looks fancy right?)

For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets
of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.
Viola--Ranger Pudding.

For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"--it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class Six ) and mixed in four packets of
"Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that).
It looked like an eerie kool-aid with sparkles in it (that was the
electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt).

I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is
EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the
Lejeune PX ), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.

She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"

We dug in, and she was loving the food. Throughout the meal, she kept
asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I
obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked
at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she
liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.

At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what?
Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make...
yup.

Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my
restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh"
and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay.

Let the games begin.

She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange
scent. Yup. The military even makes smellgood) and returned to the couch,
this time with an obvious pained look.

After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say "What the hell is WRONG
with me???" as she again send flatulent shock waves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.

Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.

I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks.

She came out with a slightly gray palor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO
sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't
believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Immodium AD, and
she finally settled down and relaxed.

Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can.

After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine
Corps Field Rations" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and
said "I ate 9,000 calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"
After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
word.

She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 5 days, and when she
finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the
hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again,
unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand.

It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
the couch.

I know ... I'm an Asshole, but it was still a funny night.

 

[wally2450]

A blond I know gets a grand and glorious feeling whenever a man
makes love to her, but the grand always comes first.

 

[smoothdevil]

Speaker of the House Elect Nancy Pelosi today announced that the Democrats will change the country's emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the new government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

 

[smoothdevil]

I Miss Bill Clinton

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.

Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."

... ya gotta love it

 

[wally2450]

There was this young man, on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. But, it did not last. A Hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, from around the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She rowed her boat towards him.
In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here"?
She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing", he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you."
"It is only me", she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did."
"Well then", said the man, "how did you get the rowboat?"
"I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island," replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?"
"Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that, where do you live?"
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach.
"Well, let's row over to my place", she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a Palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like to have a drink?"
"No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and I will puke."
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No", the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship".
"Well, if you would like to shave, there is a man's razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, she returned wearing fig leafs strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia.
"Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men and woman need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now."
"Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her, "You mean you actually figured out some way to make an Internet connection?"