wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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When the Sheiks' oil fields dried up, he realized he would have to
cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he
would have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which
ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Nite after nite the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls
performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of
the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous
technique?" "What I did, O Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice
cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother
told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."
cut back on expenses quickly. As much as he hated to, he knew he
would have to give-up most of his harem. He decided to find out which
ones performed best in all aspects of sex and retain just those few.
Nite after nite the "contest" was held. Then one of the younger girls
performed such outstanding oral sex on him, he knew she was one of
the chosen. "Tell me," he said, "what is the secret of your fabulous
technique?" "What I did, O Sovereign of the Sands, was to suck on ice
cubes prior to our session." replied the girl. "You see, my Mother
told me that in most cases, the cooler head always prevails."
wally2450
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A grandfather went to visit his college-aged grandson at the dorm.
Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin
and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the
doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe
over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to
pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a
whore's shoe!"
Grandpa was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin
and corruption, as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the
doorway. "In my day," grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe
over the door for luck and then study late into the night hoping to
pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied the grandson, "that IS a
whore's shoe!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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An old man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several
years. He had a big pond in the back. It was ideal for swimming,
so he fixed up the area around it with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
so he could bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond ." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
years. He had a big pond in the back. It was ideal for swimming,
so he fixed up the area around it with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some fruit trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket
so he could bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he
came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond ." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Some old men can still think fast.
wally2450
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The woman applying for a job in a lemon grove seemed way too
qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have
any experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes,"
she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident
scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I
parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the
radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the
Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the
officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to
know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra
Papa Echo Lima Lima."
qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have
any experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes,"
she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
While working as a television news cameraman, I arrived at an accident
scene, and a cameraman from another station pulled up behind me. As I
parked the news cruiser, I heard a policeman on the scanner using the
radio phonetic alphabet to alert other officers. "Be aware that the
Mike Echo Delta India Alpha has arrived," he said. I approached the
officer, looked him in the eye and said, "You might be surprised to
know that some of us in the Mike Echo Delta India Alpha can Sierra
Papa Echo Lima Lima."
wally2450
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wally2450
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Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of aeroplanes, jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at max velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Engineers in the UK heard about this gun and were extremely eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood in a state of shock as the chicken hurtled out the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
Engineers in the UK heard about this gun and were extremely eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood in a state of shock as the chicken hurtled out the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
smoothdevil
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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called .........
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found
him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and
he didn't have to worry about a Will. He
said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list
of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.
1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called .........
"Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and
your boss, the Pope only expects you
to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant
flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and
that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes
were inevitable Now, of course, there's
shipping and handling, too.
8.. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that
he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all
I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found
him writing frantically on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and
he didn't have to worry about a Will. He
said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list
of the people I want to bite."
12. Definition of a teenager?
God's punishment...for enjoying sex.
13. As you slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Suggested auto-replies for being "out of the office/away from my desk"
1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall.
Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness
sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an
appropriate response to your request.
2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals actually did this!)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
8. I've run away to join a different circus.
9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Joan' instead of 'John".
1. I am currently away from my desk, beating my head against the wall.
Your message will be replied to once I have reached a level of numbness
sufficient to cloud my vision to the point I am able to formulate an
appropriate response to your request.
2. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
3. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return on April 1st. Please be patient and your Mail will be deleted
in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the
first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending
again. (The beauty of this one is that when you return, you can see how many
in-duh-viduals actually did this!)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
8. I've run away to join a different circus.
9. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Joan' instead of 'John".
MercyMia
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wally2450
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One day, a man comes home from work and greets his wife. Upon seeing him, she asks for $20 to buy meat for dinner. He leads her to a mirror, holds up the $20 bill and says to her: "Honey, the $20 in the mirror is yours. The other belongs to me." Satisfied with his "ingenious" remark, he sits back and the incident is forgotten. The next day, he comes home and greets his wife. When he goes in the dining room, the table is laden with meats and delicious foods. Shaken, he asks his wife where she got the money. She leads him to the same mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See that pussy in the mirror? That one belongs to you. The other belongs to the butcher.".
wally2450
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wally2450
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The Maternity Ward
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job
in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these
awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has
slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I
really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give
baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband", she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job
in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these
awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also
involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has
slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I
really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give
baby a slap on the rear. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."
wally2450
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Not ready to marry
"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy,
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist
in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a
fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he
again ran into Joe.
"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in
my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed.
Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we
got company, but she's an economist in the bed-room.
"I ain't ready to get married," Sam Rush told his buddy,
Joe. "But, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist
in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we got company and a
fireball in the bedroom."
"Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he
again ran into Joe.
"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.
"Fine and dandy, Joe. I done got myself hitched."
"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"
"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in
my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed.
Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we
got company, but she's an economist in the bed-room.
wally2450
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Sleeping With Tiger Woods
Slept With Tiger Woods?
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make ... I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The husband then slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!
Slept With Tiger Woods?
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make ... I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The husband then slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!
Last edited:
wally2450
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Court
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign
that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things
that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking
the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle
his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she
replied, "I mean hobosexuality... He's a bum fuck!"
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce: there was no sign
that the husband was cruel, or wandering, or any of the usual things
that lead to this situation. The woman replied that she was seeking
the divorce on grounds of hobosexuality! The judge, trying to stifle
his laughter, asked, "Don't you mean homosexuality?" "No!" she
replied, "I mean hobosexuality... He's a bum fuck!"
wally2450
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After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the
evening, the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See
here," she shouted indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm
going to tell you 'no.'" "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can
start making some progress."
evening, the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See
here," she shouted indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm
going to tell you 'no.'" "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can
start making some progress."
wally2450
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The Mexican doctor told the village nymphomaniac,
"Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Routine and boring
Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making
with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't
you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I
do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it
last for an hour?"
"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59
minutes!"
"Senorita, it looks to me like you've had Juan too many."
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Routine and boring
Morris complained to his friend Irving that love making
with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't
you try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I
do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it
last for an hour?"
"That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59
minutes!"
A
AsylumSeeker
Guest
Cheated - Skipped To The End
Don't know if this is a repeat, but what the hell.
"What does linoleum and husbands have in common" ??
Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
..Wait, did I just say that ???
Don't know if this is a repeat, but what the hell.
"What does linoleum and husbands have in common" ??
Lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
..Wait, did I just say that ???
wally2450
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