smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
wally2450 said:
LMAO .......
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
LMAO .......
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose
levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of
glucose Raising her hand again, the freshman female asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst into laughter. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as
she realized exactly what she had inadvertently implied, she picked
up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, totally straight-faced the
professor answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the
back of your throat. Have a good day."
levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,
"If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of
glucose Raising her hand again, the freshman female asked, "Then why
doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class
burst into laughter. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as
she realized exactly what she had inadvertently implied, she picked
up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.
However, as she was going out the door, totally straight-faced the
professor answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the
taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the
back of your throat. Have a good day."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point
buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole,"
Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum,"
she said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."
Whether or not a girl can be had for a song depends on a man's pitch.
buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole,"
Little Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum,"
she said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."
Whether or not a girl can be had for a song depends on a man's pitch.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
'Whoa,Tonto!'
An Indian walks into Tim Horton's with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall
mug of coffee.
He drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the
shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks
out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand another
male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says: "Training for an upper management
position in Canadian Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day."
An Indian walks into Tim Horton's with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall
mug of coffee.
He drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the
shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks
out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand another
male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the
waiter, "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says: "Training for an upper management
position in Canadian Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Default RULES FOR YANKEES WHO MOVE TO THE SOUTH
- Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
- Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
- Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
- Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an ACC or SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
- Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
- Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
- No, the state symbol of North Carolina is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
- Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
- Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
- Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
- We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
- Don't order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
- Don't laugh at folk's names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, MariBeth and Inez have been known to whip a man's ass for less than that.
- Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it's called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi.
- Southern women don't fancy to smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have brothers and daddies.
- Don't show allegiances to any other school in football other than an ACC or SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every week.
- Don't call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot.
- Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit bitching, spend your money and go home.
- No, the state symbol of North Carolina is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is pissing us off too.
- Don't go to the Cracker Barrel and order toast. If you do this everyone will know you're from Ohio. Just eat the biscuits like God meant for you to do.
- Don't try to talk with a Southern accent if you don't have one. Nothing makes us madder than a Southern wannabe.
- Don't be telling everybody how much better it was back home. If you don't like it here, get your sorry ass back home!
- We don't play lacrosse or none of them other sissy northern games, so don't be asking about no scores, cause we just don't care.
- Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
- If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba." You have a 75% chance of being right.
- Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
- If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
- Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
- Do not buy food at the movie store.
- If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
- People walk slower here.
- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
- The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new Southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
- The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
- Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A girl was telling a boy friend that she realized she was very
popular, but she didn't know why. "Do you suppose it's my
complexion?" she asked. "No." "My figure?" "No." "My personality?"
"No." "I give up." "That's it."
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you?re doing it wrong. (Rodney
Dangerfield)
popular, but she didn't know why. "Do you suppose it's my
complexion?" she asked. "No." "My figure?" "No." "My personality?"
"No." "I give up." "That's it."
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you?re doing it wrong. (Rodney
Dangerfield)
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the Day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and
presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while
you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting
the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a
hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules
of life really are:
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thought for the Day:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES ..... THEY ARE NOT REALLY
GOOD FOR ANYTHING ... BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO
YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap;
> it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
>
>
> You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
> (At least, I was...)
>
>
>
> Compared with Gasoline......
>
>
>
>
> Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
>
>
>
>
>
> This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
>
>
>
>
> Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
>
>
>
>
> Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Vick ' s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon
>
>
>
> And this is the REAL KICKER...
>
>
>
>
> Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
>
> $21.19 for WATER
>
> and the buyers don ' t even know the source.
>
>
>
> (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
>
>
>
> Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
>
> So they have you hooked for the ink.
>
> Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
>
> you won ' t believe it...................
>
> but it is true.........................
>
> $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
>
>
>
>
> So, the next time you ' re at the pump,
> be glad your car doesn ' t run on
> water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil
> or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!
>
>
>
>
> Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
> it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
>
>
> You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
> (At least, I was...)
>
>
>
> Compared with Gasoline......
>
>
>
>
> Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
>
>
>
>
>
> This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
>
>
>
>
> Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
>
>
>
>
> Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Vick ' s Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
>
>
>
>
>
> Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon
>
>
>
> And this is the REAL KICKER...
>
>
>
>
> Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
>
> $21.19 for WATER
>
> and the buyers don ' t even know the source.
>
>
>
> (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
>
>
>
> Ever wonder why printers are so cheap?
>
> So they have you hooked for the ink.
>
> Someone calculated the cost of the ink at................
>
> you won ' t believe it...................
>
> but it is true.........................
>
> $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
>
>
>
>
> So, the next time you ' re at the pump,
> be glad your car doesn ' t run on
> water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil
> or God forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!
>
>
>
>
> Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the pump...
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Recreational Killer
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Smart Kid
*A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
*A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
Subject: Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his young 2nd wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the place than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "Y'all have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels some!" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the living room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my heels." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my nylon stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
A successful rancher died and left everything to his young 2nd wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the place than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "Y'all have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels some!" The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the living room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my heels." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my nylon stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the
docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a
room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a
couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies,
"Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three Knots?" He
asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "you're knot hard,
you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet
her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was
from Glen Burnie. The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband
and I lived there 18 years ago when we were first married." The pilot
got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation.
The daughter fell strangely silent. After he left, the teen said,
"Thanks a lot, Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him
that I was illegitimate."
docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a
room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a
couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies,
"Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three Knots?" He
asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, "you're knot hard,
you're knot in and you're knot getting your money back."
The 15-year-old daughter brought home a young Naval Aviator to meet
her parents. During dinner, the pilot happened to mention that he was
from Glen Burnie. The Mother said, "What a coincidence. My husband
and I lived there 18 years ago when we were first married." The pilot
got a strange look on his face and changed the topic of conversation.
The daughter fell strangely silent. After he left, the teen said,
"Thanks a lot, Mom. I told him I was 18. Now I'll have to tell him
that I was illegitimate."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
weespanner
Lim-erotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2006
- Posts
- 23,379
The scene is set.......night, cold, campfire, stars twinkling in the dark night sky.....
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Scotland, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins……
Kevin, the Kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there is. Why just the other day I landed in a field, scared a crocodile that had got out of the swamp and ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground……with my bare hands!”.
Jerry from South Africa can`t stand to be bettered. “Well, you guys, I landed after a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail and a fifteen foot Namibian desert snake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed the bastard with my bare hands and beat its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp, and I`m still here today.”
Jock the Scot remained slient, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Scotland, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins……
Kevin, the Kiwi says, “I must be the meanest, toughest hang glider dude there is. Why just the other day I landed in a field, scared a crocodile that had got out of the swamp and ate six men before I wrestled it to the ground……with my bare hands!”.
Jerry from South Africa can`t stand to be bettered. “Well, you guys, I landed after a 200 mile flight on a tiny trail and a fifteen foot Namibian desert snake slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed the bastard with my bare hands and beat its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp, and I`m still here today.”
Jock the Scot remained slient, slowly poking the fire with his penis.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
glynndah said:
LMAO ... super
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The attractive young thing was about to go to bed with her blind date
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea
about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're
the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he
asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
when she burst into tears. "I'm afraid you'll get the wrong idea
about me," she said between sobs. "I'm really not that kind of girl!"
"I believe ya," her date said, as he tried to comfort her. "You're
the first one," she gulped. "The first one to make love to you?" he
asked. "No!" she replied. "The first one to believe me!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob
replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask.
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob
replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says,
"No, I told her I was 90."
A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were
grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your
old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours.
Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old
blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob
replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask.
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob
replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says,
"No, I told her I was 90."
A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were
grazing. "These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in Canada with your
old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Little Pauly is telling his mother what he learned at Sunday school.
"Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to
the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved." "Now, Pauly, is that really what your teacher
taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd *never* believe it!"
"Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to
the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved." "Now, Pauly, is that really what your teacher
taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the
way the teacher did, you'd *never* believe it!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you
and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well... not
exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect
of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg
and she rolls over and plays dead."
and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the one. "Well... not
exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect
of it." "Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" "Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg
and she rolls over and plays dead."
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