wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
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- Posts
- 12,353
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends,
I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an
expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among
us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux
Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty
party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of
loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
Woman calls 911: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do
those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there
[giggle]" "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?" "No, no, no.
It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have
an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm'?" "Yes. Am I doing them
right?" "Sounds like it to me."
there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One
morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends,
I have been hearing very nasty rumors!" The crowd fell into an
expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among
us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux
Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty
party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of
loyal followers." Sister Margaret quickly stood up and pleaded,
"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just
mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."
Woman calls 911: "I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do
those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there
[giggle]" "Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?" "No, no, no.
It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have
an orgasm." "I'm sorry, did you say orgasm'?" "Yes. Am I doing them
right?" "Sounds like it to me."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men,who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year oldhusband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by amirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these'.
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year oldhusband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by amirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'I remember these'.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
A Scotsman moves to the US and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers
"RUN!! RUN!!"
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and
then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers
"RUN!! RUN!!"
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard rrrun!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains,
"He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor
s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor
s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
ZEN SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor
s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the
hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky
tire.
3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor
s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde."
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you
are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot
25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a
sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV..
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your problems.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to
him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do
us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should h ave
little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to
him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies "In Jenny's
room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay
then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to
support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance .. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do
us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should h ave
little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.
wally2450
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After dinner, Jill settled on the couch next to John and started
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but
why didn't you just say something?" Jill purred, "At dinner you said
you'd like a little piece and quiet around here sometimes."
removing his clothes. Wordlessly, she made it clear that they were
going to make love. Afterward, John said, "That was very nice, but
why didn't you just say something?" Jill purred, "At dinner you said
you'd like a little piece and quiet around here sometimes."
wally2450
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Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a well-known
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large
2 carat diamond ring with baguettes... glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with one-carat diamond earrings, a large
2 carat diamond ring with baguettes... glimmering emerald bracelets, and
a beautiful, red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is
having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her,
and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag!
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form
of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't
pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form
of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have
been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what
is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going
to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
A lesson to be learned,
An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise,
sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by, and to the old man's
surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees
the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man
yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duct tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct
tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's
amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with
about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what
looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says," hold on let me get my coat!"
An old man sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise,
sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by, and to the old man's
surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens
caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees
the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. The old man
yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duct tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duct
tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home, and to the old man's
amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with
about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what
looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says," hold on let me get my coat!"
Last edited:
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Golfer
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the
surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my
life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really
improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an
erection, I also get a headache".
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the
surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the
good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a
woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the
transplant."
"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my
life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really
improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting
landscapes in watercolors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an
erection, I also get a headache".
wally2450
Inquisitive
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"How was the date with your new boyfriend last night?" "Not so good.
He didn't take me to that nice restaurant as he promised." "The
restaurant you went to wasn't classy?" "Not at all. When I asked for
the house red, they brought me a bottle of ketchup!"
He didn't take me to that nice restaurant as he promised." "The
restaurant you went to wasn't classy?" "Not at all. When I asked for
the house red, they brought me a bottle of ketchup!"
wally2450
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
Again the man rises to the occasion, but this time with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Damn, its not a life sentence woman, okay!"
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ’the
prison’ and call my private thing ’the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
Again the man rises to the occasion, but this time with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, he yells at her, "Damn, its not a life sentence woman, okay!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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One night this guy and his new girlfriend are about to go into his
apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door, his girlfriend
says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
"Give me some examples," the guy replies.
"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then
that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles
around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
"I see," the guy says.
"So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?"
"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
apartment for the first time. Before he can open his door, his girlfriend
says, "Wait a minute, I want to see you unlock the door. I can tell how a
man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
"Give me some examples," the guy replies.
"Well, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then
that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles
around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either."
"I see," the guy says.
"So..." she replies coyly, "how do you unlock your door?"
"Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
smoothdevil
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wally2450 said:
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps
her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was
working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came
down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate
his whole finger?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the
one just next to it!"
her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was
working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came
down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate
his whole finger?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Judi. "But it was the
one just next to it!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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I was glancing over the front page of the Post Gazette the other day and saw that Alf Landon (Franklin Roosevelt's opponent in the 1936 election) had died at age 100. It reminded me of this story that FDR supposedly liked to tell.
There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."
There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?"
The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
"But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper."
"Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page."
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