How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

>LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL
>
>According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique >problem.
>

>A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the >washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the >mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
>

>Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put >them back.
>

>Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the >washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints >were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
>

>To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to >show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it i n >the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>
>THE MORAL OF THIS STORY.
>
>There are teachers, ..... and then there are Educators.





>Need more educators in this world….

 

[wally2450]

Researchers have found that men in their late 50's and 60's have
begun to have a higher sex drive. Do you realize what that means?
Clinton's getting hornier! (Jay Leno)

My wife told me about a book on how to find the G-spot. I went to a
book store, but I couldn't find the book... my wife bought it for me.
There were no pictures or diagrams. It just said it was about a third
of the way in. Great. Compared to who?

Then there was the young man who saved for years to buy his mother a
house, only to find that the police department wouldn't let her run it.

Joan says to her husband. " I'd like my cousin Joe to visit one
weekend and paint a picture of us making love." He is an artist you
know. Her husband says; "Oh, does he do still life?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/159218.jpg

 

[Leah57]

Sandals

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica .
They were wandering around the marketplace looking at the
Goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican
Accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I
Think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
After what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't
Need them, being the sex god he was.


The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied,! "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
Finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet he got this wild look
in his eyes...something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican,
bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants,
ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold
of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON
DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!

 

[wally2450]

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a
building site.

When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a
goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell
all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our
Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to
put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for
San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to
be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more
than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town.

Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for
confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple
of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty
Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I
had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know about drinkin'
and fuckin ' in Philadelphia."

 

[wally2450]

he Squirrel's Tale....... Very funny!!!

Rest of the world version

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

The U.K. version

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel’s house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multicultural choir singing "We shall overcome".

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay "his fair share" and increase the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel’s taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel’s food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain’s apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police had fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people’s credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel’s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper’s drug ‘illness’.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in the UK.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10 million and state the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.

The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drugs overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root cause of despair arising from the social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.

They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the UK.

The squirrel, the dog and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

 

[MercyMia]

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress,
taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that
the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out
of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining
companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to thetable
and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just
slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."

 

[smoothdevil]

Never turn your nose up...





Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked:

What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"

The fourth man replied:"My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub. "

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two Weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends .

 

[smoothdevil]

SHOWING LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband
along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to
do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean .
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super
absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

SHOWERING LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt .
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on the floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull
off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

 

[Yang4yin]

Not sexual...

Received this one in email...

Just a note to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with email concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me.

My response solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?


The opinions and comments expressed in the above do not necessarily reflect those of the poster or of the management.

 

[wally2450]

Received this one in email...

Just a note to tell you that my mailbox is being flooded with email concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants. To boycott oil companies or not, to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.

Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as they affect me.

My response solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems. I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay them in Pesos so they have to go home to spend it.

Don't you love it when a plan comes together?


The opinions and comments expressed in the above do not necessarily reflect those of the poster or of the management.

 

[wally2450]

"Y'all got any American razor blades in here?" the Texan asked the
London pharmacist. "All I see are these damn Wilkinsons."

"Sir," the Englishman patiently replied, "Wilkinson has been
producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since
before Waterloo."

"I don't give a damn if they passed them out on Noah's Ark if they
ain't any good," the Texan retorted.
"I can assure you they are very good sir." the peeved druggist
said.
"Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a
tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the
gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy's fingers
off at the knuckle -- and I still got 10 shaves out of it."

 

[wally2450]

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden
wedding anniversary on the beaches
in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their
domestic tranquility had long been
the talk of the town. People would
say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple'.

The local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long
and happy marriage. The husband replied:
Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in
America. We visited the Grand Canyon,
in Arizona, and took a trip down to the
bottom of the canyon, by horse. We
hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse
stumbled and she almost fell off. My
wife looked down at the horse and quietly
said, 'That's once'


We proceeded a little further and the
horse stumbled again. Once more my
wife quietly said, 'That's twice'.

'We hadn't gone a half-mile when the
horse stumbled for the third time.

My wife quietly removed a revolver
from her purse and shot the horse
dead.'

I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong
with you, Woman! Why did you shoot
the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?
She looked at ME, and quietly said,
'That's once'.

'And from that moment.....we have lived
happily every after.'

 

[wally2450]

A 30-year-old man and woman are lying in bed after making
love. The woman lays on her side of the bed and rests. The
man goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh man, I
finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The woman overhears him
talking
to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait and give the woman
I
love my virginity." Astounded, the woman replies, "So you really love
me?" "No," the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

 

[wally2450]

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans!

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.


Now lay off me on some of these thing's.
We both know who's boss here!!!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you???

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY!
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

 

[wally2450]

A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back
from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent
most of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing
happened. Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this
strange tingling sensation between my toes." The podiatrist thought
this was kind of unusual and examined her. He asked her if she had
this sensation between all of her toes. She replied, "Actually no,
just between my 2 big toes!"


A Mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from
Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy asked, " Mommy, if big dogs
have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes
have baby airplanes?" The kid's mother not feeling like thinking up
an answer told her son, "Mommy's busy. Go ask the flight attendant."
"So, the boy went tottering down the aisle and asked the stewardess
why there are no baby airplanes. The flight attendant, who was very
busy at the time , smiled and said , "Did your Mom tell you to ask me
that?" The boy said, "Yes , she did." "Well , then, you go and tell
your mother , that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest
always pulls out on time. Have your Mommy explain that to you."


Two blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume
counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist
and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy" "Yeah.
What's it called Sharon?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What the does
that mean?" At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a
moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon takes anther sniff
and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, "That doesn't smell like
come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

 

[wally2450]

Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood. "But
he acts so stupid," said one to the other, "I think he must have his
brains between his legs." "Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure
love to blow his mind!"


George and Diane were parked one dark winter night at the beach
parking lot. George placed his hands between Diane's legs. All of a
sudden Diane said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"
George replied, "Go right ahead. I've got my hand on the piece I want!"

 

[wally2450]

Having a Threesome

Advantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best

Disadvantages

1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in assumes comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.

 

[wally2450]

Men, Women and Apples

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just take the rotten
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy to pick up...
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in
reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to
come along - the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top
of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those
who have already been picked.

Now Men...
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women
to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/160231.jpg

 

[wally2450]

m/pic/7320VMGVv/160230.jpg
http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/160230.jpg[

 

[Cathleen]

Gee, maybe he's just a touch committment-phobic. Or maybe not.


You are here:News »Strange but True News »Man Fails School Exams

Updated:2007-06-14 15:05:15
Man Fails School Exams on 38th Try
Reuters

JAIPUR, India (June 14) - A 73-year-old Indian farmer who vowed not to marry before passing his high school exams has failed to get through for the 38th time.

Shiv Charan Yadav has been taking the exams -- normally given to schoolchildren at the age of 15 -- every year since 1969, without success.

He was in his 30s when he first decided to better himself through education.

This year, he failed everything except Sanskrit, scoring only 103 out of a possible 600 points.

He said he found mathematics especially hard, blaming the subject for dragging down his score.

"Once I pass I want to get married to a girl who's under 30," Yadav, who lives alone in Kohari village in the western desert state of Rajasthan, told Reuters.

He is now revising for his 39th attempt next year.

 

[wally2450]

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey
of his to check on a discrepancy. He asks the bloke, "In response to
the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly.'
Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night.'"
"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay
until our second mortgage is paid off."

 

[wally2450]

Tequila

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask
your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and
more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let
you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do
just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost
immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you
can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from
living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past,
(well shyness anyway) and you will discover many
talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start
living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are
pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However,
women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant
are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting,
incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor
control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of
virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing,
headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing
Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker,
Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

 

[wally2450]

An ornithologist of our acquaintance is troubled by the fact that the
stork is too often held responsible for circumstances that might
better be attributed to a lark.