How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

ANYBODY LOOKING TO RESIGN CAN USE THIS LETTER:

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation with your fucked up company. I have accepted a lucrative position with a company where being a bitch is not a
job prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and the challenges that await me, unlike when I worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I came in late last night and cleaned out my desk, including all the supplies I requested and received last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the shit I've left undone for the new team, as well as the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement, but your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me should you see me on the street, unless you want your ass kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been very unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary. She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk when you were away. She told me that you screwed her every time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed sex with me but not with a corpse like you. In short, you are not only a fucker but a poor fucker.

Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to use you as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing, bitch-ass motherfuckers.

Yours sincerely,

 

[smoothdevil]

What is a man's ultimate embarrassment?

Answer:


Running into a wall with an erection,
and breaking his nose.

 

[wally2450]

A Chinese couple had a black baby; the husband didn't believe it was
his. "Why baby black?" He asked his wife. The wife answered, "You
hot, I hot, baby burn!"

 

[wally2450]

A guy is walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.

Immediately, a genie pops out and replies,

"Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."

The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii,

but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia.

So...I guess, my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

"I'm sorry," the genie says, "But I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved...

think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom

of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span,

there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."

"Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted," the guy replies. "

I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental,

why are they so difficult to get along with them...you know, what makes them tick?"

The genie thinks a second, and then answers, "Would that road be two lanes or four?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/162372.jpg

 

[wally2450]

This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good
proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and
practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a
cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and
music starts playing! "... On the road again, just can't wait to get
on the road again..." The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the
M. A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and
pulls the cork out again "... On the road again..." The M. A. is
totally unimpressed..." So what?" he says. "Isn't that the most
amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked. "Are you kidding?"
says the M. A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

 

[wally2450]

something to think about...

The Stranger



A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Texas town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around from then on.

As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies.

If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.

Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)


Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm an d my mother blush.


My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing.


I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... And NEVER asked to leave.


More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first. Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures. His name?...............See below:









We just call him, "TV."

* *Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!**

P. S He has a wife now....We call her "Computer."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/162679.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/162678.gif

 

[wally2450]

Kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

The first little boy called upon, walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk,made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
He said a period.

She said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning
my sister was missing one, Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 

[wally2450]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting: What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"

Undressing: What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex: What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours." What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration: What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm: What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!" What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance." What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Postcoital Bliss: What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like." What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

 

[wally2450]

A nervous groom is giving his speech at the wedding
reception. The couple had been given a very nice
coffee set by her parents.

"I'd like to thank you all for coming here to
celebrate our wedding. I'd like to thank the beautiful
brides maids and finally I'd like to thank my new
parents-in-law for the gift of a perky copulater."

 

[daringdarling]

I just wanted to say, I adore this thread. Thank you for posting and making probably many people smile through it.

 

[wally2450]

Two Aboriginal are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike.
They break down and start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him
for a lift.

He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling
balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the Aboriginal he has to
leave.

"R ey mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls. The Aboriginal put it to the driver that if they can
manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
is really late and so puts his foot down.

Sure enough the coppers pull him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
driver what he is carrying to which he replies Aboriginal Eggs. The
policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens
the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it . He gets onto his radio and
calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and
the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".

 

[done_got_old]

totally mean

 

[Quoll]

Car Names That Are Funny When The Word "Anal" Is Placed In Front Of Them

. Frontier
. Ascender
. Excursion
. Diablo
. Defender
. Vibe
. Commander
. Aviator
. Trooper
. Avalanche
. Odyssey
. Avenger
. Prowler
. Raider
. Breeze
. Trailduster
. Quest
. Legend
. Amigo
. Rodeo
. Rampage
. Scoupe
. Town and Country
. Probe
. Ram

 

[wally2450]

Car Names That Are Funny When The Word "Anal" Is Placed In Front Of Them

. Frontier
. Ascender
. Excursion
. Diablo
. Defender
. Vibe
. Commander
. Aviator
. Trooper
. Avalanche
. Odyssey
. Avenger
. Prowler
. Raider
. Breeze
. Trailduster
. Quest
. Legend
. Amigo
. Rodeo
. Rampage
. Scoupe
. Town and Country
. Probe
. Ram

 

[wally2450]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[wally2450]

Diary

After dinner and a movie, Carl drove his date to a quiet country road
and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his
kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she
jerked away, got out of the car in a hurry, and ran home. Later that
night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two
legs." On their next date, Carl returned to the country road. As they
were kissing passionately, Carl slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once
again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home. Later
that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends
are her own two legs." On the third date, the pair returned to the
country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late. That
night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best
of friends must part."

 

[wally2450]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

 

[wally2450]

Gorgeous Red Haired Beauty

The doctor had just completed his examination of the
gorgeous red-haired beauty.

"I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic,
as he regained some of his professional dignity, "that
you discontinue some of your running around. Stop
drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above
all you will have to start eating properly and getting
to bed early."

Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not
have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you
have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

 

[wally2450]

Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and
their
married life had not been anything to brag about either.
But when, after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill
went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of
Michigan
gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the
judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for
an annulment.
"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that
Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun."

 

[smoothdevil]

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

[smoothdevil]

Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex
here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************ ********* ********* ********* *********

 

[smoothdevil]

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


************ ********* ** ************ ******