How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
I live in Texas. I also have two friends that are blonde and sisters.
One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good
paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know
where the lighthouses are to apply." I told them, There are no
lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough, there
were ads for "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."
One day, they approached me and asked where the lighthouses were.
When I tried to probe a little bit, I was told, "Yeah, they're good
paying jobs and have lots of ads in the paper, but we don't know
where the lighthouses are to apply." I told them, There are no
lighthouses in Texas. Let me see that newspaper." Sure enough, there
were ads for "Light Housekeeping needed. Apply in person."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
After the christening of his baby brother in
church, Jason sobbed all the way home in
the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was
wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.
church, Jason sobbed all the way home in
the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was
wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought
up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those
of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of
the areas we would like your assistance with:
1) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the
National anthem ... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in
protest ... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while the Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to
be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been
okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass
kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule)
5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back
.. a Marine will kick their ass.
6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass kickin (children are exempt).
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper ...
it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your
ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart and
quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her ... of course, failure to do either of those will earn
you a severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The
proper word to describe her is "traitor." Hate her or else (asses will
be kicked).
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command, to include our commander in Chief
.. the President ... (for those who didn't know) is all that we
acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big
important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we
know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The
military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him
kicking your ass already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop
saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying
"Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
.. if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me
know, so I can go kick their ass.
13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please
remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas
wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military
and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country
would get its ass kicked.
Dear Civilians,
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have
many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those
of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of
the areas we would like your assistance with:
1) The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the
National anthem ... kick their ass.
2) When you witness firsthand someone burning the American Flag in
protest ... kick their ass.
3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these Veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while the Veteran kicks their ass.
4) If you are not in the military, DO NOT pretend that you are.
Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to
be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia might have been
okay if you were still seven, but now it will only get your ass
kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule)
5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir," stand back
.. a Marine will kick their ass.
6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass kickin (children are exempt).
7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper ...
it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your
ass will be kicked.
8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn
feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart and
quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be
carrying her ... of course, failure to do either of those will earn
you a severe ass kicking.
9) What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The
proper word to describe her is "traitor." Hate her or else (asses will
be kicked).
10) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command, to include our commander in Chief
.. the President ... (for those who didn't know) is all that we
acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big
important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. All we
know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. The
military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him
kicking your ass already.)
11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop
saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick your ass!
12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists, so stop saying
"Let's go kill those Commie's!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!!!
Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me
.. if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me
know, so I can go kick their ass.
13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving
and religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends please
remember that there are, literally, thousands of troops overseas
wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our military
and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country
would get its ass kicked.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call, they like
to stay out all night, come home and expect
to be fed and stroked, then want to be left
alone and sleep. In other words, every quality
that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
sutherngent985
Rebel Pride
- Joined
- Mar 10, 2007
- Posts
- 1,640
*Applause* So very true....wally2450 said:
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"
"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that
divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's
the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of
contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said
the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't
own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell
expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride. "What's
the problem?" "I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach of
contract," snapped the oil man. "I don't know if that will fly," said
the lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property, you don't
own her!" "Damn right," the tycoon rejoined, "but I sure as hell
expect exclusive drillin' rights!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Red Skelton's Tips for a Happy Marriage
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on
Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is
in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake"
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on
Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is
in Tucson.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the
kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread
maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the Lake"
8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.
12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Graduate Nurse vs. Experienced Nurse
A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on her name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know she's a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know she's a nurse, especially in restaurants where she may be required to do a Heimlich maneuver or mouth-to-mouth on a total stranger.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of her hand, paper scraps, napkins, alcohol prep packages, gloves, bed sheets, scrub pants, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart that the patient is disoriented and either restrain him or calls for a haloperidol order.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping IV pump at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic. (If that ain't your complaint then I ain't assessing it!)
A Graduate Nurse spends two hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody. (Has been known to tell the patient to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley ca
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in her bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in her bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.
A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on her name badge you can't read it.
An experienced nurse doesn't wear a name badge for liability reasons
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn't chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know she's a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn't want anyone to know she's a nurse, especially in restaurants where she may be required to do a Heimlich maneuver or mouth-to-mouth on a total stranger.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of her hand, paper scraps, napkins, alcohol prep packages, gloves, bed sheets, scrub pants, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart that the patient is disoriented and either restrain him or calls for a haloperidol order.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping IV pump at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can't hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn't want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic. (If that ain't your complaint then I ain't assessing it!)
A Graduate Nurse spends two hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody. (Has been known to tell the patient to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on to hold pressure until 7pm)
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance "to work with the family"
An experienced nurse avoids the family. (If you ain't the patient then go to the waiting room)
A Graduate Nurse expects medications and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley ca
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in her bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some "cough syrup" in her bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn't find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in
the
ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler
and
couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such
things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I
lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and
sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the
five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little
Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not
want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he
calls
the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to
make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you
please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the
first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50
dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks.
She
grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and
wash
out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak
the
facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you
fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show
the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid
kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an
end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove
him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure
nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers
in
front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is
blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a
little
change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her
success. "I
am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again." The
father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that
I
had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my
genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That little son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take
your
underwear off on the first day of class....!"
the
ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler
and
couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such
things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I
lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and
sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the
five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little
Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not
want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he
calls
the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to
make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you
please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the
first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50
dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks.
She
grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and
wash
out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak
the
facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you
fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show
the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid
kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an
end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove
him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure
nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers
in
front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is
blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a
little
change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her
success. "I
am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again." The
father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that
I
had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my
genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That little son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take
your
underwear off on the first day of class....!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and
I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want
company. So, I'd like to propose the following:
I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today.
I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the
door wearing nothing but lingerie.
You must agree to:
-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until
8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call
to let me know you are going to be late.
-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.
-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get
out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"
-- take your plate from the table and walk into the
living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving
me alone.
-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with
your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.
-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is
clean or that the food that took me several hours to
cook is any good.
-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN
instead.
-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on
the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.
-- come to bed without showering, even though you've
been at work all day.
-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.
-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.
Please, please, please help me out! I miss the
asshole.
I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want
company. So, I'd like to propose the following:
I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today.
I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the
door wearing nothing but lingerie.
You must agree to:
-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until
8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call
to let me know you are going to be late.
-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.
-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get
out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"
-- take your plate from the table and walk into the
living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving
me alone.
-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with
your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.
-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is
clean or that the food that took me several hours to
cook is any good.
-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN
instead.
-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on
the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.
-- come to bed without showering, even though you've
been at work all day.
-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.
-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.
Please, please, please help me out! I miss the
asshole.
ms.read
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 7, 2004
- Posts
- 2,012
The Magic Dildo
I told this to a friend while he was on dialysis. He almost popped his fistula
A man was going on a business trip for two weeks and he didn't want his wife messing around and cheating on him. So he went down to the local sex shop. he looked at all kinds of fancy gizmos and doo hickeys but nothing seemed just right for his lovely wife.
So he asked the man behind the counter " Have you got anything that would please my wife?"
"Oh yes sir. I have just the thing!" The Vendor pulls out a carved box and opens it. There is a flesh like mechanism amid the silk wrappings."It's called the Magic Dildo."
" Magic Dildo fuck my doorknob" The dildo rises and proceeds to give the doorknob a magnificent fucking
"I'll take it!" Says the businessman. Its wrapped and paid for . The man brings it home to his wife and explains how it works. the wife is skeptical and puts it away.
The man has gone on his business trip and the wife is awful horny. She deciedes to try out her new toy."Magic Dildo, my Pussy!" The dildo does its job wonderfully. after about 6 orgasms, the woman remembers she has some errands to do and tries to shut the thing off. To no avail. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off.
She decides she must get to the bank before it closes, so she gets in the car, all the while the magic dildo is fucking her under her skirt. She's driving down the road when she feels another orgasm wrack her body. She swerves all over the road.
A cop pulls her over. " Ma'am do you know you were driving all over the road and could have endangered somebody?"
"Yes sir. But my husband he bought me this magic dildo and ...." says the woman
"Magic Dildo, My ASS!" says the cop
I told this to a friend while he was on dialysis. He almost popped his fistula
A man was going on a business trip for two weeks and he didn't want his wife messing around and cheating on him. So he went down to the local sex shop. he looked at all kinds of fancy gizmos and doo hickeys but nothing seemed just right for his lovely wife.
So he asked the man behind the counter " Have you got anything that would please my wife?"
"Oh yes sir. I have just the thing!" The Vendor pulls out a carved box and opens it. There is a flesh like mechanism amid the silk wrappings."It's called the Magic Dildo."
" Magic Dildo fuck my doorknob" The dildo rises and proceeds to give the doorknob a magnificent fucking
"I'll take it!" Says the businessman. Its wrapped and paid for . The man brings it home to his wife and explains how it works. the wife is skeptical and puts it away.
The man has gone on his business trip and the wife is awful horny. She deciedes to try out her new toy."Magic Dildo, my Pussy!" The dildo does its job wonderfully. after about 6 orgasms, the woman remembers she has some errands to do and tries to shut the thing off. To no avail. Her husband forgot to tell her how to turn it off.
She decides she must get to the bank before it closes, so she gets in the car, all the while the magic dildo is fucking her under her skirt. She's driving down the road when she feels another orgasm wrack her body. She swerves all over the road.
A cop pulls her over. " Ma'am do you know you were driving all over the road and could have endangered somebody?"
"Yes sir. But my husband he bought me this magic dildo and ...." says the woman
"Magic Dildo, My ASS!" says the cop
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating
much,
and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I
have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you
know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an
example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just
terrible; that's why problems like this come up!
Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a
good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies
who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example
for a little girl 10 years old?"
Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her
hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each
other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good
example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth.
Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks,
"Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father
Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant
this year."
much,
and she just keeps her head down... After a few minutes, she says, "I
have something to tell you." Everyone gets silent and they all listen.
"I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.
A long silence, and Pauly speaks to MrsPauly: "It's your fault, you
know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an
example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just
terrible; that's why problems like this come up!
Then MrsPauly lights in on Pauly: "And YOU! Do you think that you're a
good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies
who even come drunk into the house--do you think that's a good example
for a little girl 10 years old?"
Then Pauly charges back in: "And her sister, that no-good, with her
hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each
other and screwing in every room in the house--you think that's a good
example too?" And it goes on and on, back and forth.
Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks,
"Now, darling, how did this happen?
And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing: "Father
Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant
this year."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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Coming out of a theater late one evening, a man discovered that a
couple had broken into his car and were making love in the back seat.
When he asked them to leave, he was threatened with bodily harm, so
he called the police. The police took them all to the station, then
quickly to night court in another part of the building. The judge
inquired about the incident, then fined the couple $50.00 for
indecent exposure. When he was finished with them, he turned to the
man and fined him $100.00. Outraged, he demanded the reason. The
judge answered, "Disturbing the piece."
couple had broken into his car and were making love in the back seat.
When he asked them to leave, he was threatened with bodily harm, so
he called the police. The police took them all to the station, then
quickly to night court in another part of the building. The judge
inquired about the incident, then fined the couple $50.00 for
indecent exposure. When he was finished with them, he turned to the
man and fined him $100.00. Outraged, he demanded the reason. The
judge answered, "Disturbing the piece."
wally2450
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- Posts
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wally2450
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Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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wally2450 said:
LOL
wally2450
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Field trips can be a lot of fun
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the
famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their
"wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the
famous
Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the
other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their
"wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said,
"You must be in the fourth grade."
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race
today."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
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