maybenicegirl
Experienced
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What did Bill Gates' wife say on their wedding night?
Micro...soft!!!
Micro...soft!!!
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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Visitors
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone
and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challen-
ging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys
holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt,
and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone
and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challen-
ging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
wally2450
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Terms of Endearment
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,",
"Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about 10 years ago!
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife
with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling,", "Sweetheart,",
"Pumpkin," etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still
very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call
your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot
her name about 10 years ago!
wally2450
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Men & women compliment each other by the unique traits we were each given:
Women:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, & your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care.They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.Women want to be the best for their family & their friends and themselves.Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy shit and killing bugs.
Women:
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, bikers, babes, & your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care.They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.Women want to be the best for their family & their friends and themselves.Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy shit and killing bugs.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
Strange Sex
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it
was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant.
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant
from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think a
attorneys come from?"
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told the physician that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it
was such a good idea.
The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"
She said that she did.
He asked, "Does it hurt you?"
She said that it didn't.
The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason
that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like,
so long as you take care not to get pregnant.
The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant
from anal sex?"
The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think a
attorneys come from?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- 14,521
George Carlin ....
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
don't you just love him ... lol
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "chicken with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
don't you just love him ... lol
wally2450
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The wife says to the husband, "Why do you carry my photo in your wallet?"
"When there's a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem disappears."
"You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
"Absolutely! I see your picture and I ask myself, 'What other problem
could be greater than this one?'"
"When there's a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem disappears."
"You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
"Absolutely! I see your picture and I ask myself, 'What other problem
could be greater than this one?'"
wally2450
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All seniors aren't Senile!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! "
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his
girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000"
the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,
"by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll
write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and
I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in
that account."
"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend! "
wally2450
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Posts
- 14,521
wally2450 said:
LMAO ... gotta remember that one ... might come in handy ...
wally2450
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- 12,353
A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night
the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a
couple
of night-caps. One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding
night
and I was wondering how many times are we expected to...um... you
know....do it!" The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve
into a conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should
they go for twice, as its a special occasion! Anyway they decide to
retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the
idea that over breakfast they'll discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss
our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our
wives sat with us." "No you're right, what we'll do then, for every
piece of toast you order with your breakfast, that's how many times
you
did it" offers another groom.
They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit
dishevelled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just
Shagged
Look'.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll
have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The
other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I
shall
also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast" The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and
shoot the FOUR shooter groom.
The waitress gets to the last groom "I TOO shall have the FULL English
breakfast please, yet I shall have,.." he takes a deep breath and
surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for
everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding
mates, who stare at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their
friend must be. "Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why
that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it
is." She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves
the seven times a night groom calls after her again. "And by the way
love, make two of them brown!!!"
night
the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a
couple
of night-caps. One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding
night
and I was wondering how many times are we expected to...um... you
know....do it!" The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve
into a conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should
they go for twice, as its a special occasion! Anyway they decide to
retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the
idea that over breakfast they'll discuss what went on.
Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss
our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our
wives sat with us." "No you're right, what we'll do then, for every
piece of toast you order with your breakfast, that's how many times
you
did it" offers another groom.
They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit
dishevelled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just
Shagged
Look'.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll
have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".
The
other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a
toast to his prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I
shall
also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast" The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and
shoot the FOUR shooter groom.
The waitress gets to the last groom "I TOO shall have the FULL English
breakfast please, yet I shall have,.." he takes a deep breath and
surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for
everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding
mates, who stare at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their
friend must be. "Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why
that's an awful lot" "Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it
is." She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves
the seven times a night groom calls after her again. "And by the way
love, make two of them brown!!!"
wally2450
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MercyMia
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 24, 2002
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- 16,474
From European countries that begin with "I"
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that!" she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!!!"
Somewhere in Ireland ...
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week company training session.
Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"
The husband laughs and says: "An Italian girl!!!"
The woman kept quiet and left.
Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good, thank you."
"And, what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asked.
"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!"
"Oh, that!" she said. "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for nine months to see if it's a girl!!!"
Somewhere in Ireland ...
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said. " I am a Father."
The little boy replied. "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered. "I am the Father of many."
The boy said. "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!
The priest, getting impatient, said. "I am the Father of hundreds"
and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom and your pants backwards instead of your collar."
wally2450
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy
was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked. "Oh... she just said,
"I can't believe I have a person inside me!" I said, "So do I. Could
I call ya back in an hour or so ?"
was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me
late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked. "Oh... she just said,
"I can't believe I have a person inside me!" I said, "So do I. Could
I call ya back in an hour or so ?"
wally2450
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O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with
Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give
in
and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage,
O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you
had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did." "Experience is the
best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other
suitors."
Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give
in
and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage,
O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you
had
gone to bed with me like all the other girls did." "Experience is the
best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other
suitors."
wally2450
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glynndah
good little witch.
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- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with
her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she'd buy for a
penny apiece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with
her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and
cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she'd buy for a
penny apiece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
"Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".
wally2450
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Call Girl
A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He
admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to
amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's,
that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you
didn't
follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?" She
sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral
standards to uphold.
A high-priced call girl brings a customer to her fancy apartment. He
admires the fancy furnishings and the art and asks how she was able to
amass such splendor. She replies that those really were her father's,
that he was a politician for forty years. He said, "How come you
didn't
follow in his footsteps instead of choosing this way of life ?" She
sighed and said, "Oh, just lucky I guess. Besides, I had my moral
standards to uphold.
wally2450
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Birth Control
The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug corporations have created a
jointly owned subsidiary company to market a new Mint flavored birth
control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The product
will be distributed by all the large major drug store chains and
Walmart Pharmacies. The prescription pills will be called,
Predickamints!
The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug corporations have created a
jointly owned subsidiary company to market a new Mint flavored birth
control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The product
will be distributed by all the large major drug store chains and
Walmart Pharmacies. The prescription pills will be called,
Predickamints!
wally2450
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wally2450
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My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something
to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a
noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna
casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a
noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna
casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
wally2450
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A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've
got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad
news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "All right,
here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
got some bad news for you." "Why do you always have to give me bad
news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once." "All right,
here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
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