wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Little Johnny and his girl were walking along a trail in the woods.
Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little
Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked. Little
Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making
cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking
along. Pretty soon they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked,
"Are they making cigarettes too?" "Yea," says Little Johnny. Suzy
looked around and said, "it looks like all the animals are making
cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to
say, "OK!" A hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out
of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes
did we make?" Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, then
replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if
you don't it was a Lucky Strike."
Suzy noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly. "Little
Johnny, why is that rabbit on top that other one?" she asked. Little
Johnny stopped to consider his answer, and replied, "They're making
cigarettes." "Cigarettes?" she exclaimed, as they continue walking
along. Pretty soon they approached a couple of raccoons. Suzy asked,
"Are they making cigarettes too?" "Yea," says Little Johnny. Suzy
looked around and said, "it looks like all the animals are making
cigarettes, why don't we make cigarettes?" Little Johnny was quick to
say, "OK!" A hour or so later Little Johnny and Suzy were walking out
of the woods, when she asked, "Little Johnny, what kind of cigarettes
did we make?" Little Johnny stopped to think about his answer, then
replied, "Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, and if
you don't it was a Lucky Strike."
wally2450
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In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good. And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light beer so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight-watchers. It didn't help.
And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit.
And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement. It didn't help her, either.
wally2450
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A MAN'S GUIDE TO SURVIVING GIFT GIVING
The following is a basic guide to gift giving
survival for men, which was faxed to me by the
nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly
known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the
woman know you care. The least expensive way is
to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her
face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]."
If you forget her name, don't bother with the
rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A friendly card is an acceptable
nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all,
it's cheap. Good cards are pink with lots of
lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my
sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... "
Bad cards say, "Good for one free quart of oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason
that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the
same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms
is OK, women tend to expect something a bit
nicer. Wrapped for starters.
STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially
if you did not bother with steps 1-3. If you did,
you might get by with a small but hideously
expensive ring, necklace, or tiara.
Keep in mind most women, even in Utah, do not
consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be
a precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it
have to be the right size and caliber, it must
also match any of the 8 billion feelings she
currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the
clerk you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples
with more than .002 kids. Studies prove that not
even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is
beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price
toy. Depending on the size of your family, the
romantic getaway may have to cross at least three
international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for
trying.
So do something. Anything is better than nothing.
If you don't believe me, I can show you last
year's knot on the back of my head.
The following is a basic guide to gift giving
survival for men, which was faxed to me by the
nice ladies down at "Romance Anonymous," formerly
known as "Men Are Pigs But We Can't Kill Them."
STEP ONE: The minimum requirement is to let the
woman know you care. The least expensive way is
to look at her -- preferably somewhere on her
face -- and say, "I love you, [her name here]."
If you forget her name, don't bother with the
rest of the steps. You're dead.
STEP TWO: A friendly card is an acceptable
nonverbal token of appreciation. Best of all,
it's cheap. Good cards are pink with lots of
lace and have cute words such as "I'll love my
sugar bunny forever and ever and ever and ... "
Bad cards say, "Good for one free quart of oil."
STEP THREE: Candy. For some scientific reason
that makes no sense, women regard chocolate the
same way men view beer. While a handful of M&Ms
is OK, women tend to expect something a bit
nicer. Wrapped for starters.
STEP FOUR: Jewelry. A bit pricier, especially
if you did not bother with steps 1-3. If you did,
you might get by with a small but hideously
expensive ring, necklace, or tiara.
Keep in mind most women, even in Utah, do not
consider aluminum, tin or a Mylar balloon to be
a precious metal.
STEP FIVE: Lingerie. Be careful. Not only does it
have to be the right size and caliber, it must
also match any of the 8 billion feelings she
currently has about herself. To be safe, tell the
clerk you're looking for something that
can't be used to strangle you in your sleep.
STEP SIX: Romantic getaways are good for couples
with more than .002 kids. Studies prove that not
even bacteria can reproduce when a toddler is
beating on the bedroom door with a Fisher-Price
toy. Depending on the size of your family, the
romantic getaway may have to cross at least three
international boundaries.
STEP SEVEN: Unlike men, women give points for
trying.
So do something. Anything is better than nothing.
If you don't believe me, I can show you last
year's knot on the back of my head.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening
progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After
some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to
making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill
replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was
amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After
some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to
making love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill
replied. "Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was
amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"
wally2450
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"YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK CROSSDRESSER IF..."
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra
that ain't.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger
than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun
rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame,
and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next
to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon
Skin-So-Soft."
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You braid the hair that sticks through your
fishnet stockings.
- You wear a black John Deere baseball cap with
pearls.
- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it
shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing
a tire on your motorhome.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle-
nosed pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
- You call your vanity "your work bench."
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and
eye liners.
- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-
pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the
moose you shot last Fall.
- Your new sandals are made from truck tire
re-treads you found on the road.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can
pull-tabs.
- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
- You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30"
on the container.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
- You go to family reunions to meet guys.
- You wear a dress that's strapless and a bra
that ain't.
- You wear combat boots with a minidress.
- You wear jeans with a belt buckle that's bigger
than your fist.
- You have a Ford F150 pick-up truck, with a gun
rack, a Dale Earnhardt license plate frame,
and a Confederate flag on the tailgate, next
to the bumper sticker that says "I sell Avon
Skin-So-Soft."
- You try to wax your legs with Turtle Wax.
- You braid the hair that sticks through your
fishnet stockings.
- You wear a black John Deere baseball cap with
pearls.
- You use glitter to highlight your mustache.
- You wear tube tops with your mini, because it
shows off your Harley-Davidson tattoo.
- Your favorite band ring came off a cigar.
- You keep spare ammo in your bra.
- You get a run in your stockings while changing
a tire on your motorhome.
- Your purse is a toolbox.
- You pluck your eyebrows with a pair of needle-
nosed pliers.
- You store your lipsticks in a socket-wrench box.
- You use duct tape to keep your "tuck" in place.
- You call your vanity "your work bench."
- You use a pocketknife to sharpen your lip and
eye liners.
- "Doing your nails" means sorting the ten-
pennies from the sixteen-pennies.
- Your favorite leather skirt was made from the
moose you shot last Fall.
- Your new sandals are made from truck tire
re-treads you found on the road.
- You keep a spare lipstick in your toolbox.
- You wear a pair of C-clamps as screw-on earrings.
- Your best silver necklace is made from beer can
pull-tabs.
- Your nail enamel is made by Rustoleum.
- You use paint thinner to remove your makeup.
- Your moisturizer says "non-detergent SAE 10W30"
on the container.
- You remove your leg hair with duct tape.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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There was a young virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to
try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do
that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you
are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try
to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most
importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way
with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It
will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the
granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her
grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her
date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't
let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on
top of him and disgraced his family."
time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to
try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do
that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you
are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try
to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most
importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way
with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It
will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the
granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her
grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her
date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't
let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on
top of him and disgraced his family."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when
a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says
that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says,
"Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a
hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the
holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while
counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring
course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest
says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass,
I'll
marry them for you."
a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says
that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.
Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says,
"Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a
hole?"
The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to
bet but agrees to the terms. Well, the second guy wins the rest of the
holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole, and while
counting his $80.00, he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring
course and likes to pick on suckers.
The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local
Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and
apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest
says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you. You keep your winnings."
The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it
up to you?"
The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation. Then, if you bring your mother and father by after Mass,
I'll
marry them for you."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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On their wedding night, the young bride
went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our
sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done,
that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is
somewhat undone, that means I may or may
not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone,
that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make
sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink.
If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex.
If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But
if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
went up to her new husband.
"Since we're married now, we can arrange our
sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done,
that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is
somewhat undone, that means I may or may
not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone,
that means I want sex."
"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make
sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink.
If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex.
If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But
if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 16,474
A man was walking down the street when he saw a woman with the most perfect, and I mean PERFECT, breasts he'd ever seen.
He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.
The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.
The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.
They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.
The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"
The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."
He walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, you have perfect breasts, and I will pay you $100 to bite them." The woman was horrified and began to walk away.
The man caught her and said, "Alright, I'll pay you $1,000 to bite your breasts." Still horrified, the woman began to run away.
The man caught her again and said, "Fine. I'll pay you $10,000 to bite your breasts, and not a penny more." The woman then thinks that $10,000 will be worth it, so she finally agreed.
They went into a deserted alley away from the city action. The woman took off her shirt and bra, revealing the perfect breasts. The man then began to touch, squeeze, fondle, poke, and everything to the woman's breasts EXCEPT biting them.
The woman then said, "Well, are you gonna bite them or not?!"
The man replied, "Nah, too expensive."
wally2450
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In New York City this week, a Virginia couple were arrested for allegedly having sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral. The man and woman were participants in a contest sponsored by radio station WNEW, where couples win prizes for having sex in risky locations. With a station employee on a cell phone giving the play-by-play from the cathedral, WNEW's afternoon shock jocks broadcast a live commentary on the alleged sex act.
A spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York called the incident "disgusting."
Given recent Church news, I don't know if I'd be so quick to judge. When the media can report two consenting, heterosexual adults having sex in a Catholic church, that's not disgusting - that's progress!
A spokesman for the Archdiocese of New York called the incident "disgusting."
Given recent Church news, I don't know if I'd be so quick to judge. When the media can report two consenting, heterosexual adults having sex in a Catholic church, that's not disgusting - that's progress!
wally2450
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somberReality
Taking a Lit break
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- Aug 2, 2007
- Posts
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TirelessTongue said:
D'oh!!
NippleMuncher
Masticatus Nipplicanis
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- 4,175
A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, “How much?”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
He doesn’t hear her correctly and says “Come again?”
She giggles and says “No…it’s just mustard this time.”
wally2450
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Female bosses are not uncommon at all these days. In fact,
some of them are tougher than the men. One such femme had
an employee report two hours late.
The employee was limping, bruised about the face and had
his arm in a sling. She glared at him, then at the clock.
He said, "I got hit by a car this morning."
She replied, "And that took two hours?"
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told
him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.
"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys
started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't
stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently
tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."
some of them are tougher than the men. One such femme had
an employee report two hours late.
The employee was limping, bruised about the face and had
his arm in a sling. She glared at him, then at the clock.
He said, "I got hit by a car this morning."
She replied, "And that took two hours?"
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told
him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.
"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys
started."
Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't
stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you." I gently
tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.
"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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When one of the prostitutes passed away, the girls moped
disconsolately around the house. "Good ol' Gloria," lamented one.
"She could handle twenty men a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and
still have the strength to roll five drunks." Hearing this, one of
the others burst into tears. "Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl
has to die before anyone says anything nice about her?"
disconsolately around the house. "Good ol' Gloria," lamented one.
"She could handle twenty men a night, drink a fifth of whiskey and
still have the strength to roll five drunks." Hearing this, one of
the others burst into tears. "Why is it," she sobbed, "that a girl
has to die before anyone says anything nice about her?"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Three blondes died and found themselves standing
before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter
the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have
a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter
said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover
feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas,
and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the
cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll
away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow,
we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter
the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have
a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter
said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with
the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover
feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas,
and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the
cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll
away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow,
we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Dinner party for 8 $250 ...
Wine for guests $80...
Your parents are there ,
Your in-laws are there ,
Your boss and his wife are there ,
The minister and his wife are there ,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner ,
Then
in
walks
the
dog ...
... ...
.....
....
...
..
. PRICELESS
http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/180657.jpg
Wine for guests $80...
Your parents are there ,
Your in-laws are there ,
Your boss and his wife are there ,
The minister and his wife are there ,
You're all settling down for a nice relaxing evening dinner ,
Then
in
walks
the
dog ...
... ...
.....
....
...
..
. PRICELESS
http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/180657.jpg
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Ann Landers challenged her readers to come
up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after
"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help you."
Here is a sampling from the thousands she
received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only
have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your
height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have
guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an
apartment of my own so I can have some
peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The
company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I
promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to
get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my
personal guarantee."
And the REAL third biggest lie:
I promise I won't cum in your mouth.
up with the world's third- biggest lie -- right after
"The check is in the mail" and "I'm from the
government and I'm here to help you."
Here is a sampling from the thousands she
received:
- "It's a good thing you came in today. We only
have two more in stock."
- "Five pounds is nothing on a person of your
height."
- "You made it yourself? I never would have
guessed."
- "Of course I'll respect you in the morning."
- "You don't look a day over 40."
- "Dad, I need to move out of the dorm into an
apartment of my own so I can have some
peace and quiet when I study."
- "It's delicious, but I can't eat another bite."
- "The new ownership won't affect you. The
company will remain the same."
- "The puppy won't be any trouble, Mom. I
promise I'll take care of it myself."
- "Your hair looks just fine."
- "Put away the map. I know exactly how to
get there."
- "You don't need it in writing. You have my
personal guarantee."
And the REAL third biggest lie:
I promise I won't cum in your mouth.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Birthday
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday party last year. The
guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you
thinking, babe?" Apparently I've been married too long, because I
said, "You ARE going to pick up after yourself, right??"
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday party last year. The
guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me, "What are you
thinking, babe?" Apparently I've been married too long, because I
said, "You ARE going to pick up after yourself, right??"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Words To Live By
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you
look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars
that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon,
and some days you're the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet,
just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you
look good if you die in the middle of it.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars
that can be recalled by their maker.
Eat a live toad in the morning and
nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
If you can't be kind,
at least have the decency to be vague.
If you lend someone $20,
and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.
It may be that your sole purpose in life
is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Never buy a car you can't push.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time,
because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
Nobody cares if you can't dance well.
Just get up and dance.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird,
so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
NippleMuncher
Masticatus Nipplicanis
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2003
- Posts
- 4,175
A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts out, “Doctor, kiss me!” The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!” Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, “Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!”
“Look,” says the doctor. “I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you.”
About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, “Doctor, please, kiss me just once!” Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, “Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!”
“Look,” says the doctor. “I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be screwing you.”
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Carolyn was down at the Carolina shore this weekend and was walking
along the water's edge , when she came upon a man with a rather large
belly who was sun bathing on the beach. Feeling a bit down on the
male population at the moment, Carolyn caustically remarked, "If that
belly was on a woman, I bet you would probably say she was pregnant!"
The man squinted up at her a little annoyed and replied, "It was, and
she is!"
====================
When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old
nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.
Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.
along the water's edge , when she came upon a man with a rather large
belly who was sun bathing on the beach. Feeling a bit down on the
male population at the moment, Carolyn caustically remarked, "If that
belly was on a woman, I bet you would probably say she was pregnant!"
The man squinted up at her a little annoyed and replied, "It was, and
she is!"
====================
When I was in the fifth grade I was taught sex ed by a 65-year-old
nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.
Either way, there's been very limited experience handling meat.
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