wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
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When Roy and Michael found out their wives were attending a sex-toy
party, they refused to go and pick them up. Instead they decided to
leave them to their own devices.
What is the difference between stress and tension?
Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your
secretary is pregnant.
party, they refused to go and pick them up. Instead they decided to
leave them to their own devices.
What is the difference between stress and tension?
Tension is when your wife is pregnant and stress is when your
secretary is pregnant.
wally2450
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MercyMia
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Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.
Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.
She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the Texas intellectual and gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
wally2450
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When the woman learned her husband had taken a mistress, she asked,
"Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, sweetie," he
replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
"Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, sweetie," he
replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you."
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
wally2450
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Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home
with two of them.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home
with two of them.
wally2450
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The First Day of School 30 Years Ago and Today
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous
student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and
shows it to the bomb squad.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading
Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of
whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning
sickness.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic
table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop
quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law
wife.
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Miss Lichtig receives an apple from an anonymous
student and shows it to her fellow teachers.
TODAY: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and
shows it to the bomb squad.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Ed Navis, the class clown, is caught reading
Playboy.
TODAY: Mrs. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of
whooping cough.
TODAY: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning
sickness.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: students find mercury, lead and cobalt on the
periodic
table.
TODAY: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: each class begins with "Show and Tell."
TODAY: each class begins with "Search and Frisk."
--
THIRTY YEARS AGO: ninth grader Clyde Kelly is caught cheating on a pop
quiz.
TODAY: ninth grader Scott Kelly is caught cheating on his common-law
wife.
Weird Harold
Opinionated Old Fart
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wally2450 said:
No idea; how tall are Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsey Lohan?
wally2450
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"Wow, you have a nice wife, I'll bet you have to think twice before
you leave your her alone at night." one man said to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason
for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."
I was talking to Jeff about old King Solomon. "That old Solomon, he
was a mighty wise King," stated Jeff. "But all those wives and
concubines; you know sometimes I wonder how he arranged to provide
the necessary food for all those women."
"How he fed all those women doesn't interest me," I said.
you leave your her alone at night." one man said to the other.
"I'll say." replied the second, "First, I have to think up a reason
for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me."
I was talking to Jeff about old King Solomon. "That old Solomon, he
was a mighty wise King," stated Jeff. "But all those wives and
concubines; you know sometimes I wonder how he arranged to provide
the necessary food for all those women."
"How he fed all those women doesn't interest me," I said.
wally2450
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wally2450
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Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland
asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair
dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well
over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father. Next!"
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland
asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair
dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well
over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate
it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of
her.
The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing
to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And
what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a
woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead,
Father. Next!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was
when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
A Brown University graduate student, in biology, is wanted now for
allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.
That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes
virus instead of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone
else.
when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen.
A Brown University graduate student, in biology, is wanted now for
allegedly stealing a herpes virus from the university lab.
That's when you know you're a nerd, when you have to steal the herpes
virus instead of going out and catching it in the wild like everyone
else.
wally2450
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Potato Farmer Blues
A man owned a small potato farm in Cactus Lake, Saskatchewan. An agent from the Workman's Compensation Board dropped by on a routine check to see if he was paying proper wages to his hired hands. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," said the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "There's a man who's been with me here for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the cook. She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."
"Finally, there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me." replied the farmer
A man owned a small potato farm in Cactus Lake, Saskatchewan. An agent from the Workman's Compensation Board dropped by on a routine check to see if he was paying proper wages to his hired hands. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," said the agent.
"Well," replied the farmer, "There's a man who's been with me here for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the cook. She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."
"Finally, there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night."
"That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit," says the agent.
"That would be me." replied the farmer
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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> Subject: Near my House
>
>
>
> The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
> the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
> smell of fresh rain.
>
> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
> scent of fresh hay.
>
> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
> is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
>
> The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
>
> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
>
>
>
>
>
> The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep
> the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
> smell of fresh rain.
>
> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the
> scent of fresh hay.
>
> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air
> is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
>
> The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
>
> I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
>
>
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines
glynndah
good little witch.
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- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
It's so dry right now that:
the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are giving out wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into
water!
the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling,
the Methodists are giving out wet-wipes,
the Presbyterians are giving out rain-checks,
and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into
water!
wally2450
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sutherngent985
Rebel Pride
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Great answerwally2450 said:
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