How to make people laugh

[MagicFingers]

I saw a sign while driving recently

It said:

Racing Car
Gasoline Wash

I suppose those racing cars really like those gasoline baths, huh?

 

[wally2450]

The Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending
divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home
in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this
case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do
my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in
your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily like the music, but the answer to your
questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up
earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do
you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never
wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me."

 

[wally2450]

why exercise?
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[wally2450]

Drivers permit

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car.

His father said, "I*ll make a deal with you. You bring
your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible
a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and
settled for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks they went in to the study, where
his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've
brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have
been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more
in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,
since you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know,
Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in
my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John
the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's
even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"

 

[smoothdevil]

Drivers permit

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and
inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use
of the car.



To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they
all walked everywhere they went?"

SUPER .... could have used that one .... lol

 

[wally2450]

Leaders

God summoned Fidel Castro, Jacques Chirac and George W.
Bush before him.

HE told them that they were ruining his precious Earth
with all their pollutants, industrial fishing, logging,
etc. HE told them to clean up their act or he would make
the whole mankind shovel shit from one hole to another
for eternity. Go! Tell your people.

Fidel Castro goes back to his people and tells them, "I
have two things to tell you, both of them bad. One,
God exists. Two, if we don't clean up the planet we will
have to shovel shit from one hole to another for eternity."

Jacques Chirac goes back to his people and tells them "I
have two things to tell you, one good and one bad. One,
God exists; and two, if we don't clean up the planet,
mankind will have to shovel shit from one hole to another
for eternity."

George W. Bush goes back to his people and tells them "I
have two things to tell you, both of them good. One,
God does exist and two, there'll soon be work for every-
one!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185088.jpg

 

[wally2450]

The woman was happily showing off her BMW. "It was nice of your
husband to buy you that new car," said a friend. "Nice nothing! He
had to," explained the woman. "I caught him in bed with the maid."
"Oh, how dreadful!" replied the friend, sympathetically. "Well, did
you fire her?" "Certainly not! I still need all new matching outfits
to go with the car!"

 

[wally2450]

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine,
they say the position you sleep in says a lot about
you. They say women who sleep on their sides are
sensitive, women who sleep on their stomachs are
competent, and women who sleep on their backs with
their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

I read a survey the other day. It said that the 'successful woman'
was one who made $38,500 per year. One of the questions on the survey
was "how many times do you like to make love?" The most popular
answer was 2 times a day.

Two times a day? That's two times, seven days a week, 356 days a
year. That's 738 times a year. You show me a woman who makes love 738
times a year, and I'll show you a woman who makes a lot more than
thirty-eight five.

 

[wally2450]

Betty's girlfriend was relating, "Well after over a half hour of
pretty heavy making out, I asked him, "Are you ready for some oral
sex now?'" Betty commented, "Oh wow, I bet he jumped at that
suggestion?" Her friend said, "Yeah he did, but he damn nearly fell
off the couch when I said, 'Good !... Then you can go home and call
me.'"


At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class,
and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper. She said,
"Why have you got your cat at school?" Little Jimmy started crying.
"I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat
your pussy today!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185287.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185286.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. These
two women go everywhere together and I've One is a middle-aged gym
teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese? -- Curious.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,
how do I get out?
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.
* * * * *

DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the
chief petting officer.

 

[wally2450]

Little Tommy, a good lad from Chester England, was on
vacation in Texas.

His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the
local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking
bronco of all, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West
for being the toughest meanest horse that there ever
was - who had seen off so many would-be riders that
the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 or anyone
who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their
best, but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and
threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to
anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with
such a beast.

Up jumped little Tommy and of course everyone laughed
at him.

But they let him have a go, and they were astounded
when Tommy not only sat on the horse for 10 seconds
and more, while Blue Steel bucked and lunged to throw
him off like never before, but in a few minutes Blue
Steel was so exhausted the he could be ridden in a very
docile way all around the ring.

Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never
even sat on a horse before, " said Tommy's friends.
"How on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy, , said Tommy "the wife's an epileptic."

 

[wally2450]

Rachel goes into a chemist and asks to see the pharmacist.

"How can I help you, madam?" he says.

"I need some arsenic, please," Rachel replies.

"And what, may I ask, are you needing arsenic for?" the
pharmacist says.

"I want to kill my husband."

"Surely you know," says the pharmacist, "that I can't
sell you any for such a use."

Rachel gives him a photo of a naked man and naked woman
clearly having sex.

Rachel says, "The man is my husband and the woman is,
as I'm sure you have recognised, your wife."

The pharmacist looks at the photo intently and says,
"Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription. I'll go get
you some arsenic."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185285.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first
girl said, "Oh my god!, it was really great, but I was so scared
after his rubber broke. I didn't get a good night's sleep for a
week." "What happened?" said her intrigued friend. She answered, "I
didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the
last little piece of it out with dental floss."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185479.jpg

 

[wally2450]

On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the
Southern
town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty
revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some
of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament
of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome
back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."

The next night the revival tent is only half full.

After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting,
Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been
he'in and he'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage.
Those
of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent
until you have gotten right with Jesus."

The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full.

After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the
third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of
you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament
of
marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome
back
in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."

The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol'
Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by
hillbilly standards.

Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are
still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify!
Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy
tent!"

Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and
me-in!"

 

[wally2450]

Good Advice

Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.

 

[wally2450]

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The
first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's
spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke." The second woman
said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we
get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps." The third
woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."
She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic
gold- medal-winning quarter-miler." "How so?" "He's got his time down
to under 40 seconds."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/185673.jpg

 

[wally2450]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached
the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting
his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next
blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And
then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a
moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes,
hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I
had
to do... Quit drinking before noon.

 

[wally2450]

Florence and Emily, two pretty young housewives, had arranged to have
cocktails and lunch together, but as soon as they met, Emily could
see that something serious was bothering her friend. "Out with it,
Florence," she commanded. "What's depressing you so?" "I'm ashamed to
admit it," Florence wailed, "but I caught my husband making love."
"Why let that bother you?" laughed Emily. "I got mine the same way."

 

[somberReality]

I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached
the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting
his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next
blade.
In this manner, he traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance
vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And
then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a
moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes,
hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I
had
to do... Quit drinking before noon.

lmao!!! And I pictured Rodney Dangerfield telling this one too.

Thank you for the laugh.