somberReality
Taking a Lit break
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wally2450 said:
Damn that english!!! *shakes fist in the air*
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
Damn that english!!! *shakes fist in the air*
wally2450
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wally2450
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Natural Selection in Employment
1. Place 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Escort your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
accounting department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the
bricks, put them in engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange
order, put them in planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put
them in operations.
f. If they are all sleeping, put them in security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put
them in information technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations,
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been
moved, put them in sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
strategic planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single
brick has been moved, congratulate them and put the
in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard
from, put them in Congress.
1. Place 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Escort your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after six hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the
accounting department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the
bricks, put them in engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange
order, put them in planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put
them in operations.
f. If they are all sleeping, put them in security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put
them in information technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in human resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations,
they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been
moved, put them in sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in
marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in
strategic planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single
brick has been moved, congratulate them and put the
in top management.
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks
in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard
from, put them in Congress.
wally2450
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Baseball in Heaven
Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
> When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe
> says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor
> league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you
> get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
>
> Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend
> for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
> Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
>
> At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep
> by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe,
> Moe."
>
> "Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
>
> "Moe -- it's me, Joe."
>
> "You're not Joe. Joe just died. "
>
> "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
>
> "Joe! Where are you?"
>
> "In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
> news."
>
> "Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
>
> "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better
> yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than
> that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it
> never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want,
> and we never get tired."
>
> "That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
> the bad news?"
>
> "You're pitching Tuesday."
Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
> When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe
> says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor
> league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you
> get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."
>
> Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend
> for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
> Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
>
> At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep
> by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe,
> Moe."
>
> "Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
>
> "Moe -- it's me, Joe."
>
> "You're not Joe. Joe just died. "
>
> "I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
>
> "Joe! Where are you?"
>
> "In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
> news."
>
> "Tell me the good news first," says Moe.
>
> "The good news," Joe says, "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better
> yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than
> that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it
> never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want,
> and we never get tired."
>
> "That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
> the bad news?"
>
> "You're pitching Tuesday."
wally2450
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wally2450
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There was an earthquake at the Christian Brothers' Monastery, which
was leveled. All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at
the same time.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test
as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with
little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Okay, right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to
Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take
that deaf bastard with you!"
was leveled. All fifty brothers were killed and went to heaven at
the same time.
At the Pearly Gates, St Peter said, "Let's go through the entry test
as a group. First question, how many of you have played around with
little boys?"
Forty-nine hands went up.
"Okay, right!" said St Peter. "You forty-nine can go down to
Purgatory to atone for that before you can enter Heaven. Oh, and take
that deaf bastard with you!"
wally2450
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Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find
that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds
hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously
uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along
with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone
crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert
tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time
which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss
was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day
leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are
(and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels
inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder
if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and
we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment
arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right
in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon
feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please
stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar Calm down and push. "Just one more
good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse
to punch the
%$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when
all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into
walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,life-sucking little poop
machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his
18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer
in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily
and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men
get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to
pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great
Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah
right. Bite me.
Rose
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find
that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds
hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously
uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would
snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along
with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone
crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert
tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage was having sex for the first time
which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss
was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day
leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are
(and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels
inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder
if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a whole watermelon and
we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment
arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right
in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon
feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please
stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar Calm down and push. "Just one more
good push" (more like 10), warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse
to punch the
%$#*@*#!* hubby and doctor square in the nose for making us cram a
wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 pound bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when
all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into
walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing,life-sucking little poop
machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his
18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer
in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions,
or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily
and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men
get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to
pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great
Gandhi a tad crabby. You think women are the "weaker sex?" Yeah
right. Bite me.
Rose
wally2450
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While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a
little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her
husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his
pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said.
"When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"
little box attached to the bed. "What's this for?" she asked her
husband. "If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his
pocket, "the bed starts vibrating." "Save your money," she said.
"When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"
wally2450
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Ethics
Here is a very good test of your ethics: This test only has one
Question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it
without
Giving it some serious thought. By giving An honest answer you will be
Able to test where you stand morally.
You're in Florida.. In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos
going
On around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
Masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are
In the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the
Emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating
Around you, disappearing into the water! Nature is showing all her
Destroying power, ripping everything asunder.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water She is fighting for her life,
Trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who
It is - it's Hillary Clinton!
At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the
Raging waters are about to take her away, forever. You realize you
Have two options. You can save her or you can take the best photo of
Your life. You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot
a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual
Moment of death of one of the world's most powerful women.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic
Black and white ?
Here is a very good test of your ethics: This test only has one
Question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it
without
Giving it some serious thought. By giving An honest answer you will be
Able to test where you stand morally.
You're in Florida.. In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos
going
On around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge
Masses of water all about you. You are a news photographer and you are
In the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless.
You're trying to shoot impressive photos, photos that capture the
Emotion and tragedy of the events. Houses and people are floating
Around you, disappearing into the water! Nature is showing all her
Destroying power, ripping everything asunder.
Suddenly you see a woman in the water She is fighting for her life,
Trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the woman looks familiar. You know who
It is - it's Hillary Clinton!
At the moment you recognize who she is, you also notice that the
Raging waters are about to take her away, forever. You realize you
Have two options. You can save her or you can take the best photo of
Your life. You can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot
a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the actual
Moment of death of one of the world's most powerful women.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer):
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of
classic
Black and white ?
wally2450
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Two Women
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen
each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other
up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children,
homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's
OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's
yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you
would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I
masturbate."
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen
each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other
up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children,
homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says "It's
OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's
yours?" Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you
would go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I
masturbate."
wally2450
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Doctor Visit
The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are
going to have twins."
"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested.
"I've never been out on a double date in my life!"
The young girl was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the
physician, "and there is every indication that you are
going to have twins."
"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested.
"I've never been out on a double date in my life!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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wally2450
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You know you live in a small town when...
1.. It has an aquarium -- stocked with a live minnows
2.. The town newspaper is published monthly
3.. The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.
4.. It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.
5.. The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and
vanilla.
6.. There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit
7.. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main
street.
8.. There's no bank... as soon as someone gets enough money,
they leave.
9.. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down
Main Street on his combine.
10.. The local phone book has a yellow page.
l1.. Third Street is on the edge of town
12 The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.
13.. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.
14.. The New Year's baby was born in October.
15.. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction
16.. There's no place to go that you shouldn't
17.. "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
18.. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd.
1.. It has an aquarium -- stocked with a live minnows
2.. The town newspaper is published monthly
3.. The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.
4.. It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.
5.. The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and
vanilla.
6.. There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit
7.. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main
street.
8.. There's no bank... as soon as someone gets enough money,
they leave.
9.. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down
Main Street on his combine.
10.. The local phone book has a yellow page.
l1.. Third Street is on the edge of town
12 The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.
13.. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.
14.. The New Year's baby was born in October.
15.. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction
16.. There's no place to go that you shouldn't
17.. "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
18.. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd.
wally2450
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My friend Gary was sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty
young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored
icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she
gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful
conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem
like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working
girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of
me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but,
since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I cum, I
go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture,
and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that
last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he
replied.
===========================
A kitty and a rooster held a race. They reached a stream. The cat
said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate
getting wet!" The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back
up and take a flying leap!" The cat tried, and landed in the middle
of the stream. The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody
funny?" asked the cat. The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a
cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!"
==============================
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his
congregation that The entire range of human experience could be found
in the Holy Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to
humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible." After the
service, a woman came up to the preacher and said "Reverend, I don't
think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS." The preacher told
the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere
in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-
by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse. On the following
Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any
references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his
Bible and began to read, "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way
to Bethlehem."
young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored
icebreaker, he sends her a drink. "How lucky am I," he thinks, as she
gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful
conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem
like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working
girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of
me with liquor." He replies, "I have no problem with the money but,
since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I cum, I
go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture,
and just plain destroy the place." "Oh my God! How long does that
last?" she asked. "Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he
replied.
===========================
A kitty and a rooster held a race. They reached a stream. The cat
said to the rooster, "I'm not jumping that -- you KNOW cats hate
getting wet!" The rooster replied, "Don't be a chicken -- just back
up and take a flying leap!" The cat tried, and landed in the middle
of the stream. The rooster smiled contentedly. "What's so bloody
funny?" asked the cat. The rooster answered, "Well, NOTHING pleases a
cock more'n seeing a wet pussy!"
==============================
During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his
congregation that The entire range of human experience could be found
in the Holy Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to
humans, it is described somewhere in the Holy Bible." After the
service, a woman came up to the preacher and said "Reverend, I don't
think the Holy Bible mentions anything about PMS." The preacher told
the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere
in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-
by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and Verse-by-verse. On the following
Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any
references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his
Bible and began to read, "... And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way
to Bethlehem."
wally2450
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A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The
young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the
action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running
onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend,
"Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man
next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's
the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl.
Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the
action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running
onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend,
"Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man
next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's
the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl.
Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
wally2450
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wally2450
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Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.
" That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
" That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
wally2450
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wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
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...and what men really mean...
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3
days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be
worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A young buck went into a large store for a packet of rubbers. "Have
you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red
ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few
other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man
adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a
rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The
same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue
one," The young man said sadly.
you tried the rainbow ones?" asked the assistant, "We've got red
ones, blue ones, green ones, orange ones, yellow ones, plus a few
other different colors." "I'll try the lot," said the young man
adventurously. Six months later, he appeared in the same store with a
rather sorry looking young girl asking for maternity dresses. The
same assistant served them asking, "What bust, madam?" "The blue
one," The young man said sadly.
Red Neck Dog
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the
dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned
the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er
tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry,
kawse I fed 'er beef jerk y this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No! You don't seem to
understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head . I
always wanted a police dog!"
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the
dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned
the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his.
The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat; she's cool kawse I got 'er
tied unner the shade tree."
The policeman says, "No! You don't understand, your dog needs to be bred."
"No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry,
kawse I fed 'er beef jerk y this mornin'."
Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "No! You don't seem to
understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head . I
always wanted a police dog!"
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