wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
WATER
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!".
comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, I'll do the fucking dishes!".
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Now that football season is upon us, it's a good time to get in the
mood by reading these quotations from well known football personalities!
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't
have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless, Beat Texas ." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't
ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to
be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know
the password,
"Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a
medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell
kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I
just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney /
Nebraska
"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear
Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere
else in life." Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant /
Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...When
asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I
want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near
the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you
died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball
and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy
Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small
pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he
didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you
and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the
steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is
a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his
team:
"All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great
education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be
a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this
afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute
Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell
Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them
are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute
Rockne / Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble
this football" John Heisman
mood by reading these quotations from well known football personalities!
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs money and we don't
have any." Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal.
Nevertheless, Beat Texas ." Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left....and I ain't
ready for that." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to
be the one who dropped it." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts." Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know
the password,
"Roll, tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a
medieval study hall." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell
kicked out of you." Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I
just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." Bob Devaney /
Nebraska
"In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear
Bryant." Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere
else in life." Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class." Bear Bryant /
Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here." Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...When
asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I
want him to quit in practice, not in a game." Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near
the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you
died." Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms -
Truman's and Eisenhower's." Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball
and arrive in a bad humor." Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades." Duffy
Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David."
Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small
pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied up goat." Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he
didn't recruit me and he said: "Well, Walt, we took a look at you
and you weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the
steering wheel." Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision sport. Dancing is
a contact sport." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post game message to his
team:
"All those who need showers, take them." John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great
education." Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be
a back, you only have to be dumb." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this
afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it." Knute
Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches." Darrell
Royal / Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking."
John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them
are bad." Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big players." Knute
Rockne / Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble
this football" John Heisman
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO
LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"Meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight saving time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the
waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fail s.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.
Final thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to
stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
why the human race has not achieved, and never
will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
"Meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
"mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views
with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is
gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight saving time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think
she's pregnant unless you can see an actual
baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop
expecting other people to make a big deal
about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we ALL believe that we are above
average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to the
waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fail s.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of
professionals built the Titanic.
Final thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine.
They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to
stomp the crap out of them until they turn into
something acceptable to have dinner with.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
JustSkye
Gatinha
- Joined
- Aug 16, 2003
- Posts
- 45,537
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, - Mommy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane...
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to
do when Daddy was in the Army.
Mommy fainted!
THE MORAL HERE IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, - Mommy, I was
at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants
off, then Aunt Jane...
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane
and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to
do when Daddy was in the Army.
Mommy fainted!
THE MORAL HERE IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Let's hear a great big cheer from all y'all sports fans out thar!
Well folks, it arrived.....the 2007 football scouting report!
The following scouting report of high school prospects is making
the rounds of Division I football coaches:
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.
Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music.
Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record
for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute).
Wayfron can print his complete name, sometimes.
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs.. Running Back.
Set North Carolina state scoring record. Also led the state in
burglaries, but has only 7 convictions. He has been clocked
at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a TV under each arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. Georgia.
Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.
Before he signs his letter of intent, he wants the school to change
colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. Mississippi.
From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He
has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent
because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma."
On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Arkansas.
Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his
College Entrance Exam. Thinks Taco Bell is the local Mexican
Telephone Company.
Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Tight End. Alabama.
Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his
other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent
with six colleges but is also willing to sign with more if the price is right.
Likes wild women and red Cadillacs.
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Florida.
Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he
discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project
in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear."
(Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees
in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at
track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm....
this, they hope, will keep the runners alert.
Well folks, it arrived.....the 2007 football scouting report!
The following scouting report of high school prospects is making
the rounds of Division I football coaches:
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.
Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music.
Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record
for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute).
Wayfron can print his complete name, sometimes.
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs.. Running Back.
Set North Carolina state scoring record. Also led the state in
burglaries, but has only 7 convictions. He has been clocked
at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a TV under each arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. Georgia.
Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.
Before he signs his letter of intent, he wants the school to change
colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. Mississippi.
From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.
Mother claims Woodrow and child number 9 have same father. He
has a manslaughter trial pending but feels he will be found innocent
because: "The dude said something bad 'bout my Momma."
On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Arkansas.
Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.
Insists on wearing number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his
College Entrance Exam. Thinks Taco Bell is the local Mexican
Telephone Company.
Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Tight End. Alabama.
Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his
other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent
with six colleges but is also willing to sign with more if the price is right.
Likes wild women and red Cadillacs.
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Florida.
Played high school ball under the name Sylvester LeRoy Jones until he
discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project
in Jacksonville. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear."
(Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees
in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at
track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm....
this, they hope, will keep the runners alert.
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Student Vs Professor
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student
goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go.
If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the
exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal? "
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the
student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same
question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year
old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old
lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your
wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither
legal, nor logical
After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization ", a student
goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"
Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"
Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go.
If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the
exam. "
Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"
Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and
neither logical, nor legal? "
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the
student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as
agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same
question.
He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year
old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old
lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your
wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither
legal, nor logical
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Pearly Gates
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,
"it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for
wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh, my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter,
"She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for
that!"
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,
"it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for
wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh, my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter,
"She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter.
"You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for
that!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
MercyMia
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 24, 2002
- Posts
- 16,474
There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Do You Know The Six (6) Most Important Men In Every Women's Life?
The Doctor, Dentist, Milkman, Hairdresser, Interior Decorator, and
Banker. Do you know why?
Doctor says, "Take off your clothes".
Dentist says, "Open wide".
Milkman says, "Front door or back door".
Hairdresser says, "You want a blow job or a tease".
Interior Decorator says, "Once you get it in you will like it".
Banker says. "Don't take it out too soon or you will loose interest".
The Doctor, Dentist, Milkman, Hairdresser, Interior Decorator, and
Banker. Do you know why?
Doctor says, "Take off your clothes".
Dentist says, "Open wide".
Milkman says, "Front door or back door".
Hairdresser says, "You want a blow job or a tease".
Interior Decorator says, "Once you get it in you will like it".
Banker says. "Don't take it out too soon or you will loose interest".
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a
yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective
countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck
strongly." "That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "But I
don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective
countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck
strongly." "That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "But I
don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Some thoughts on Life and Football
At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs
money and we don’t have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are
eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." Seen on a
church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left
....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball
bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who
are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of
gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll,
tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of
deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like
getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put
on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough
to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't
believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard
line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...When asked if
Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because
if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit
in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give
us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your
parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there
for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest
route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for
my grades." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40-point
favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And
that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll
show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied-up goat." Spike
Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas
Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said:
"Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you
weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands
aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision
sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his
post game message to his team: "All those
who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our
team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman
are to be big and dumb. To be a back,
you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of
buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You
can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch
where it itches." Darrell Royal Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by
not blocking." John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball,
and two of them are bad."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big
players." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy
than to fumble this football." John Heisman
At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat. That costs
money and we don’t have any."
Erk Russell / Georgia Southern.
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are
eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." Seen on a
church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.
"After you retire, there's only one big event left
....and I ain't ready for that."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"The man who complains about the way the ball
bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"When you win, nothing hurts."
Joe Namath / Alabama
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who
are not motivated." Lou Holtz / Arkansas
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of
gold, you gotta know the password, "Roll,
tide, roll!" Bear Bryant / Alabama
"A school without football is in danger of
deteriorating into a medieval study hall."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"There's nothing that cleanses your soul like
getting the hell kicked out of you."
Woody Hayes / Ohio State
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put
on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough
to warrant an investigation."
Bob Devaney / Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't
believe in Bear Bryant."
Wally Butts / Georgia
"You can learn more character on the two-yard
line than anywhere else in life."
Paul Dietzel / LSU
"It's kind of hard to rally around a math class."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"No, but you can see it from here."
Lou Holtz / Arkansas ...When asked if
Fayetteville was the end of the world.
"I make my practices real hard because
if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit
in practice, not in a game."
Bear Bryant / Alabama
"There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give
us the ball near the goal line." Matty Bell / SMU
"Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your
parents died or you died."
Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there
for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
Alex Karras / Iowa
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest
route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for
my grades." Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
"Always remember..... Goliath was a 40-point
favorite over David." Shug Jordan / Auburn
"They cut us up like boarding house pie. And
that's real small pieces." Darrell Royal / Texas
"Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll
show you a failure." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"They whipped us like a tied-up goat." Spike
Dykes / Texas Tech
"I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas
Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said:
"Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you
weren't any good." Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State
"Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands
aren't on the steering wheel."
Bobby Bowden / Florida State
"Football is not a contact sport-it is a collision
sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his
post game message to his team: "All those
who need showers, take them."
John McKay / USC
"If lessons are learned in defeat, our
team is getting a great education."
Murray Warmath / Minnesota
"The only qualifications for a lineman
are to be big and dumb. To be a back,
you only have to be dumb."
Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Oh, we played about like three tons of
buzzard puke this afternoon."
Spike Dykes / Texas Tech
"It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You
can hear it." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"We live one day at a time and scratch
where it itches." Darrell Royal Texas
"We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by
not blocking." John McKay / USC
"Three things can happen when you throw the ball,
and two of them are bad."
Darrell Royal / University of Texas
"I've found that prayers work best when you have big
players." Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy
than to fumble this football." John Heisman
glynndah
good little witch.
- Joined
- Jun 25, 2005
- Posts
- 26,905
The Curtain Rod
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried every thing; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely
and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
-----
Sunday Morning Sex:
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along".
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried every thing; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days
and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely
and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only
if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........
And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
-----
Sunday Morning Sex:
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along".
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A little boy was walking down a dirt road one Sunday afternoon
when he met a little girl going in the same direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl. "Where are you going?"
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
"Me too. I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do
you go to?"
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill."
After they'd walked a short distance together they came to a low
spot in the road where rains had partially flooded the road.
There was no way they could get across to the other side
without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me
alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
"I tell you what I think I'll do. I'm gonna pull off all my
clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea. I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet. They were standing in the sun waiting
to dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy
remarked ... "You know, I never did realize before just how much
difference there really is between Baptists and Methodists."
when he met a little girl going in the same direction.
"Hello," said the little boy.
"Hi," replied the little girl. "Where are you going?"
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,"
"Me too. I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do
you go to?"
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road. "What about you?"
"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill."
After they'd walked a short distance together they came to a low
spot in the road where rains had partially flooded the road.
There was no way they could get across to the other side
without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me
alive," said the little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,"
"I tell you what I think I'll do. I'm gonna pull off all my
clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."
"That's a good idea. I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting their clothes wet. They were standing in the sun waiting
to dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy
remarked ... "You know, I never did realize before just how much
difference there really is between Baptists and Methodists."
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
One of my friends is in charge of the part-time help hired by an old-
age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the Mother
Superior, a feisty little nun of 70, that she always felt
uncomfortable giving the young girls the obligatory lecture about the
need to be careful around certain of the older male patients. The
mother Superior volunteered to give it for her, and eventually
reduced my friend's 30 minutes of embarrassed rambling to a one-
liner that has now become famous around the place, "Girls," she
announced. "Just remember, old ain't dead."
age home run by an order of nuns. She confided to the Mother
Superior, a feisty little nun of 70, that she always felt
uncomfortable giving the young girls the obligatory lecture about the
need to be careful around certain of the older male patients. The
mother Superior volunteered to give it for her, and eventually
reduced my friend's 30 minutes of embarrassed rambling to a one-
liner that has now become famous around the place, "Girls," she
announced. "Just remember, old ain't dead."
PertPerth
Perty in Pink
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2007
- Posts
- 4,046
not sure if this will read correctly...
A woman went to the gynecologist for a check up.
The doctor examined her and said, "You've got the biggest vagina I have ever seen. You've got the biggest vagina I have ever seen."
The woman replied, "You didn't have to say it twice."
"I didn't", said the Doctor.
A woman went to the gynecologist for a check up.
The doctor examined her and said, "You've got the biggest vagina I have ever seen. You've got the biggest vagina I have ever seen."
The woman replied, "You didn't have to say it twice."
"I didn't", said the Doctor.
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