How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

After Retirement

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found some shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6.. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive you r rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought


You can live in Vermont Where
1. Where Tijuana is spelled MONTREAL
2. Where eh/ means o.k. or What? or AAyah
3. 92.4% of retirees send Vermont Xmas Cards from Florida
4 Opening day of Deer Season is a State sponsored holiday.
5. Where natives brag about being self-sufficent, living free and independent but vote like Socialists.
6. Any place south of Bellow Falls is 'down country'

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't findWisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin' ' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a farm tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Courtroom Drama

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

 

[wally2450]

Subject: Courtroom Drama

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Franklin
County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over
who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by
his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in
keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When
the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy
cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder
of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was
apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University
of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of
beating anyone.

lmao!!

 

[wally2450]

A man went to a costume party bare ass naked with a young woman he
had recently met and convinced to go along, naked on his back. "So
what the hell are you supposed to be?" the hostess asked. "I'm a
snail." the guy claimed. "What BS, you've got to be kidding !" the
hostess remarked. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that
young naked woman on your back?" "You've don't understand," the guy
laughingly explained. "That's Michelle."

 

[smoothdevil]

I’m not sure this is true, but it is very funny:

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was
"Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone
interview.


Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really
into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Aylor.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already?"

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: When will they ever learn!
>
>




TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer
was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and
therefore, they
were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling
nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that
for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million,
her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out,

"If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.

 

[wally2450]

I’m not sure this is true, but it is very funny:

This was recently in the Seattle Paper... The title of the article was
"Best Come Back Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male,
in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and
lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone
interview.


Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really
into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor
approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I
walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."
Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached
Aylor.

"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with
a pumpkin?"

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he
looked me straight in the face and said.....

"A pumpkin? ..... Shit...is it midnight already?"

Priceless!

 

[wally2450]

I attended a terrific party New Year's Eve. Lots of good food and
some wonderful people. I was busy sipping on my drink when I
overheard a group of ladies having a discussion. One was saying how
her daughter was very very meticulous and fastidious about herself
and everything in her life. She said she hoped she would not be so
anal as time went on. Whereupon a blonde in the group who was showing
off her newly acquired breasts, chimed in with, "I used to be that
way too, but as the years passed I've become less anal and more oral
and vaginal."

 

[wally2450]

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding
vows a little. When you get to me and the part where
I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking
all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the
minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and
groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the
vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's
vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and
says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before
her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast
in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever
even look at another woman, as long as you both shall
live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny
voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought
we had a deal."

The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered ...
"She made me a much better offer."

 

[Weird Harold]

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Gonna have to change the punchline to Notre Dame Irish, now.
(Michigan beat them [badly] today.)

 

[wally2450]

One guy is very upset and yells at his friend, "You slept with my
wife, you son of a bitch. I am gonna make you pay for what you did."
"Bullshit," replies the other one, "why should I pay twice."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/189491.jpg

 

[fire_breeze]

Here goes nothing...

Three nuns died and went to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter was waiting for them and told them that because as they were nuns and should know the Bible pretty well, they had to answer a biblical-related question before he'd allow them into Heaven.
He asked the first nun: "Who was the first man ever created?"
"Oh, I know this! Adam," replied the nun. Bells rang, the harps played and the gates opened.
Saint Peter then asked the second nun, "Who was the first woman ever created?"
"Oh, I know this! Eve," answered the nun. Bells rang, the harps played and the gates opened.
Saint Pete then turned to the third nun and asked, "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
The nun thought and thought and muttered to herself, "God, this is hard." Bells rang, the harps played and the gates opened...

 

[emptynester]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study about women and
how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting:
30% of women think their ass is too fat
10% of women think their ass is too skinny
The remaining 60% say they don't care,
they love him, he's a good man, and they
wouldn't trade him for the world.

 

[smoothdevil]

Gonna have to change the punchline to Notre Dame Irish, now.
(Michigan beat them [badly] today.)

lol ... I saw the sports news ... lol .... maybe I should send them a bill ... lol

 

[wally2450]

A friend was complaining that her boyfriend would not say
"I love you," even if explicitly asked to do so. The only
exception, she said, was when they were in fact in the act
of making love. Then, if asked, he would say the sacred words.

I suggested that she should not take too much comfort in the
exception. When making love, I explained, men will say
anything.

"He'd tell you he's the Easter Bunny if that's what he thinks
you want to hear," I told her. The conversation rattled on
from there.

A couple of weeks later, she related the following. "We were
in bed, making love and I said, 'Tell me you love me'."

He said, "I love you."

I said, "Tell me you're the Easter Bunny."

He stopped for a second, and said, "I'm the Easter Bunny."

"So I slapped him."

The poor guy probably still doesn't know what happened.

 

[wally2450]

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his
girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. When the man
finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and
said, "Baby
I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I
have precious cargo!"
The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet,
baby!"
Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf
clubs
in the back!"

 

[wally2450]

Doug was trying to hit on a Blackjack dealer in Las Vegas without
success. Finally in desperation he said, "Look. I'll give ya a
hundred to sleep with me tonight." "You ain't gonna get no where
being so crude either buddy." the girl said. "Tell ya what. Try
betting me 100 dollars at 2:1 that I won't put out for ya."
=======================
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young
girl as she walked by the construction site. She completely ignored
him, and just kept on walking. Annoyed, the worker yelled, "Well,
you're an ugly bitch anyway!" The girl turned around and replied, "It
must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of
day?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/189679.gif

 

[wally2450]

A group of very attractive young female city employees discovered
they could nicely supplement their income by moonlighting as call
girls. One of the girls discovered she was more successful as a
blonde after having her hair bleached. She convinced the others that
the old saying, "Blondes have more fun," is true. The ladies became
so popular that they were able to charge exorbitant rates. They even
charged their taxi fares to the Johns they served. When hard times
bit and the market got soft, they needed a bigger come-on. Some of
them understood the economic law of supply and demand, so decided to
lower their rates. They decided not to include taxi fares in the fees
they charged their customers. They have become known as: The taxi-
free municipal blondes.

 

[wally2450]

A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a
winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a way
to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet consummated
their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more than he
could handle. As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull
engaged in the act of reproduction. The husband leaned over to his
new bride and whispered in her ear; "Darling, would you like me to do
what the bull is doing?"

"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our
cow.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/189835.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

 

[NippleMuncher]

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. While her dad is getting his hair cut, the girl begins eating a snack cake. While she's eating, she walks over and stands right next to the barber's chair.

The barber looks down and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," the little girl replies. "I'm gonna get boobies, too."

 

[NippleMuncher]

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

His mother replies "That's his trunk".

The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."

His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."