How to make people laugh

[NippleMuncher]

An 85-year-old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer’s given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor’s office with an empty jar.

“What happened?” says the doc.

“Well,” the old man starts, “I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left—nothing. Then she tried her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, still nothing. We even called in Arlene, the lady next door, but still nothing.”

The doctor bursts out, “You asked your neighbor?”

“Yep. No matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar open.”

 

[smoothdevil]

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly
started massaging the back of the person in front of him.

Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are
you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a Chiropractor and I could see that
you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help
practicing my art."

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work
for Internal Revenue. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

 

[smoothdevil]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urina l.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000 and Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 

[wally2450]

We live in a modern technological society. This is an age of speed.
It is no wonder that the effects are seen in affairs of the heart A
fellow meets a girl at cocktail time and before midnight they are
engaged. Next morning he presents her with the ring. That afternoon
he buys her a mink coat, a beautiful gown, nylon stockings, silk
undies, and a revealing silk negligee. And that same night everything
is off.

 

[wally2450]

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing
between a
girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then ask, "OK then, what
is
that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's
vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth peice
of
skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boys dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I
don't
know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

 

[wally2450]

1-liners
Virginity can be cured.

What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A salt with a dead weapon.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362
admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't
love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.

While doing home improvements, I found that the kitchen tile I was
putting down wouldn't lie flat. Does that mean I have erect-tile
dysfunction?

Imagine the girl's surprise when she walked into the playboy's
apartment and discovered he had no chairs, no tables, no bed, no
furniture at all. She was floored!

What is it about submarines that women love so much?
The concept of a long, hard cylinder filled with seamen.

Then there was the bachelor who continually felt the need to insert
his masculinity.

We just overheard a couple of our new interns discussing one of the
more dashing members of our staff. "He dresses so well," said one.
"And so quickly," replied her girlfriend.

When the sultan entered his harem unexpectedly, his wives let out a
terrified sheik.

She was only a Musician's daughter, but she knew all the bars in town.

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/190172.jpg

 

[smoothdevil]

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - NOSE height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, attempt to turn the door knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember:
In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.

And finally,

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

 

[smoothdevil]

A mortician was working late one night

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

 

[wally2450]

Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if
we ever got an erection while we did self-examination of our
testicles. We answered that it was possible that we had. You know,
you don't really want everyone to know when you get aroused. She then
asked, "What do you do about it?" We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then say, "You mean you go around with a hard penis all day?" We
said no way! She then states, "You mean a man's penis will go down
without having an orgasm?" We both said yes. At which time she says,
"I'm going to kill my husband!"

 

[wally2450]

An obnoxious guy walks into the neighborhood bar and sits next to a
local honey already having her first beverage. As he tries to strike
up a conversation she keeps ignoring him. Finally he says, "You know
me, why don't you talk to me?"

She replies, "Yes, I know you, you're Morgan - big M, small organ. "

--------

"Darling," murmured the girl to her boyfriend, "when did you first
realize that you were in love with me?"

"Well, I suppose.." whispered the man tenderly, "it was when I
started getting angry with all the other guys in the office who said
you were a lousy lay."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/190394.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be
wanting to come into heaven thankyou'
'Look mate', says St. Peter 'It doesn't work that way, you're a muslim,
aren't you'
'Yes, being a good muslim thankyou'
'No mate, look I'm sorry. You just can't come in, you're off down there'
'am GOOD muslim. Wanting to be coming in please' 'You can't be a good
muslim, how?' 'But AM GOOD muslim. I am even giving things to charity
all the time' St. Peter sighs. 'Like what?' The Pakistani stands up
proudly. 'Only last week, am giving twenty pounds to
the children in need'
St. Peter considers him for a second, and finally resigns himself to the

fact that this chap deserves a bit of his time. 'Right, fine, okay" he
sighs, "You win. I'll go and have a word with God, wait here'

So off he trots wearily through the Pearly Gates, and returns a couple
of
hours later. He walks back up to the Pakistani, and says 'Right, I've
had a
chat with God about you, and it's all sorted.'
'Here's your twenty quid back, now Fuck Off'.

 

[wally2450]

A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”


The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs… “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.” “Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

 

[Little Bird]

A little Pakistani wanders up to him and says 'Good Morning please, be
wanting to come into heaven thankyou'...

This isn't even remotely entertaining, not to say funny...

 

[wally2450]

Great Answer from the Judge

In Florida , an atheist became incensed over the
preparation of Easter and Passover holidays. He
decided to contact his lawyer about the
discrimination inflicted on atheists by the
constant celebrations afforded to Christians
and Jews with all their holidays while atheists
had no holiday to celebrate.

The case was brought before a wise judge. After
listening to the long passionate presentation by
the lawyer, the Judge banged his gavel and
declared 'Case dismissed!'

The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the
ruling and said, 'Your honor, how can you possibly
dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas,
Easter and many other observances. Jews have
Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah... yet my
client and all other atheists have no such holiday!'

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply
said, 'Obviously your client is too confused to even
know about, much less celebrate his own atheists'
holiday!'

The lawyer pompously said, 'Your Honor, we are
unaware of any such holiday for atheists. Just when
might that holiday be, your Honor?'

The judge said, 'Well it comes every year on exactly
the same date - April 1st! Since our calendar sets
April 1st as 'April Fools' Day', consider that Psalm 14:1
and Psalm 53 state, 'The fool says in his heart, there
is no God.'

Therefore, in my opinion, if your client says there is
no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is
his holiday!'


Way to go, Judge!

 

[wally2450]

My husband and I work different shifts and try to schedule
appointments so that one of us will be home to care for the children.
Recently I left him this note: "I have a doctor's appointment
Thursday at 11. The kids are yours." The next morning I found this
reply from my brown-eyed spouse: "I'm so relieved. Their blue eyes
had me wondering all these years!"

 

[NippleMuncher]

Therefore, in my opinion, if your client says there is
no God, then by scripture he is a fool, thus April 1st is
his holiday!'

This isn't even remotely entertaining, not to say funny...

 

[Auris]

Family photo ... on the beach

http://mystanding.blogspot.com/2007/09/family-photo-on-beach.html

 

[smoothdevil]

Two Men & A Woman!


On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

* two Italian men and one Italian woman

* two French men and one French woman

* two German men and one German woman

* two Greek men and one Greek woman

* two English men and one English woman

* two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman

* two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

* two Chinese men and one Chinese woman

* two American men and one American woman

* two Irish men and one Irish woman


One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

* The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

* The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

* The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

* The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor/convenience store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

* The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, all the sales she's missing, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining. The American woman, meanwhile, watches the men fart and scratch.

* The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied, because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

[smoothdevil]

An elderly Texas cowhand went to the local drugstore and asked the pharmacist for the little blue Viagra pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"

The cowboy replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old, and I don't even think about sex much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new boots.

 

[wally2450]

I called this girlfriend of mine and asked her if she was free
Saturday night.She said no, but she would be reasonable.


Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex? They write
the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then
stick her with the bill.

 

[MercyMia]

She said no but she would be reasonable. Ha ha! Had to stop and think about that one!


When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the
Dermatologists advised against rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body",
while the Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and
the Cardiologist didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in the Administration.

 

[wally2450]

She said no but she would be reasonable. Ha ha! Had to stop and think about that one!


When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it and the
Dermatologists advised against rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and
the Obstetricians stated they were all labouring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted;
the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body",
while the Paediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Radiologists could see right through it!

The physicians thought it was a bitter pill to swallow; and
the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and
the Cardiologist didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in the Administration.

 

[wally2450]

There was a little boy who was learning how to count. He had mastered
the halfway point to a hundred, but was having some problems
afterward. One day, he was counting, and he got to 58... 59, and
asked what came next. Mom told him, "Sixty. Sixty is the next
number." When he got to 69, he asked, "What comes after 69?" His
father was just walking in the door from work, heard only the
question, and he replied, "Listerine!"
==========================
A young kid's in a shipwreck and he winds up stranded on a tropical
island. For twenty years he never sees another human being. Then one
day a beautiful girl with long blond hair, her clothes half ripped
off, washes up onto shore upon a piece of driftwood. He explains to
her how he existed for twenty years, digging for clams, and eating
fruits and berries. She says, "Well, what did you do for love?" He
says, "Love? What's that?" She says, "I'll show you." She shows him.
Then she shows him again. Then she shows him one more time. When
they're finally done, she says, "Well, how do you like love?" He
says, "It's great. But look what you did to my clam digger."