wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Funny Ethnic Jokes
How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
They all gather around their cash registers and sing
"What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?
Give him a raise.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
…"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!
What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by
a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the
dog's neck.
A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal",
he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.
"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet".
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
3 dollars a year for a million years.
A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.
He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the
city, what do you guys do around here?"
The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".
He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"
The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and
slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed
their old friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot
winked at his mate.
"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I
got this great Polish Joke..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you
go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are
Polish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in
the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"
People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"
How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
They all gather around their cash registers and sing
"What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."
What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?
An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."
What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?
Give him a raise.
Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
…"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"
Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.
Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.
A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the
bartender looks up and says " where the hell did you get that thing?
The Parrot replies " Over in Africa, there's millions of them " !!!!
What did the redneck get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by
a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the
nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the
dog's neck.
A reporter who is strollin by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "A brave New Yorker saves friend from vicious animal",
he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not from New York" the boy replies.
"I'm visiting from Kentucky!"
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
"Redneck bastard kills family pet".
Did you hear about the New 3 Million Dollar Alabama State Lottery?
3 dollars a year for a million years.
A man was driving through West Virginia looking for a place to move to.
He saw 2 men sitting on a porch and said, "I'm moving here from the
city, what do you guys do around here?"
The men answered, "Go hunt'n, kill things, 'n screw".
He then asked, "What do you hunt and kill?"
The men replied, "Sumt'n ta screw."
Two Scotsmen met 25 years after their last get-together. They hugged and
slapped each others back and tears formed in their eyes as they renewed
their old friendship.
"Let's have a drink like we did in the old days," the first Scot
winked at his mate.
"Aye," his mate replied. "And don't forget it's your shout."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I
got this great Polish Joke..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you
go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are
Polish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
A boy comes home from school and tells his mother that he got a part in
the school play. "What part?" the mother asked.
"I play a Jewish husband," the boy replied.
"Go back to school and tell your teacher that you want a speaking role!"
People and an Irishman were in a 4 engine jumbo jet heading
over the Pacific Ocean,
Suddenly, a Message is announced,
"Ladies and Gentlemen Engine #2 has Died, We will be 30 mins late"
"Damn!" Said the Irishman,
10 mins later, "I`m sorry people Engine #3 has died,
We`ll be 1 hour late"
20 mins later,
"Every one, engine # 4 has died,sorry, We`ll be 2 hours late"
Suddenly the Irish man speaks out,
"Bloody hell, If the last engine goes we`ll be stuck up here
all day!!"
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
gruesome!"
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty
years, but he will kill any man who does.
----------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
----------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.
----------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
----------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
----------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
----------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
----------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve
your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
----------------------------------------------------------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink
has
killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking
has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed
millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it
that kills the people who live right?
years, but he will kill any man who does.
----------------------------------------------------------
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks
he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
----------------------------------------------------------
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often
among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy
opponent.
----------------------------------------------------------
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
----------------------------------------------------------
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and
announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
----------------------------------------------------------
Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
----------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in
the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
----------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
----------------------------------------------------------
Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock
in
the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
----------------------------------------------------------
Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" He said.
"Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
----------------------------------------------------------
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve
your
wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their
honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
----------------------------------------------------------
Father Guffy roared from the pulpit to his parishioners: "The drink
has
killed millions-- it rots their stomachs and they die in agony.
Smoking
has killed millions--it coats your lungs and you die in agony.
Overeating and consorting with loose women have also killed
millions..."
" 'Scuse me, Father," hollered Reagan from the back, "but what is it
that kills the people who live right?
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
A Texan named Lyndon Johnson died and ascended
into Heaven.
St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You
will certainly enjoy Paradise."
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always
thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we
have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that
had a beautiful river flowing through it with
wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this
beautiful?" said St. Peter.
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the
area around SAN ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another
area where there were rolling hills, whitetail
deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush every-
where. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen
anything so wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful
but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL
COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the
Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle
waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen
anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never
been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".
At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a
large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge
iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they
stepped into an elevator and started going down.
As they descended, it grew more and more hot.
When the elevator door opened, it revealed the
fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now,
have you got anything in Texas that can top
that?"
The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.
"No, but I know a couple of old boys from a company
called Halliburton that can put that thing out for you."
(Wrong, its the legendary Red Adair!)
into Heaven.
St. Peter met him and welcomed him saying "You
will certainly enjoy Paradise."
The Texan shook his head sadly and said "I always
thought that TEXAS was Paradise."
St. Peter said "Well, let me show you what we
have to offer." He took the Texan to an area that
had a beautiful river flowing through it with
wildlife and flowers everywhere. "Isn't this
beautiful?" said St. Peter.
The Texan replied, "Yes, but not as pretty as the
area around SAN ANTONIO."
Somewhat ruffled, St. Peter took him to another
area where there were rolling hills, whitetail
deer and bluebonnets and Indian Paintbrush every-
where. "Now" said St. Peter "Have you ever seen
anything so wonderful?"
The Texan paused and said "Yes, it is beautiful
but it does not hold a candle to the TEXAS HILL
COUNTRY in the springtime."
Becoming more upset, St. Peter then took the
Texan to a beautiful white beach, with gentle
waves, and an azure sky. "Now have you seen
anything this beautiful in Texas" said St. Peter.
The Texan smiled and said "I guess you've never
been to SOUTH PADRE ISLAND".
At this point, St. Peter took the Texan to a
large rock. On the side of the rock was a huge
iron door. St. Peter opened the door and they
stepped into an elevator and started going down.
As they descended, it grew more and more hot.
When the elevator door opened, it revealed the
fires of damnation-Hell. St. Peter said, "Now,
have you got anything in Texas that can top
that?"
The Texan thought a moment and shook his head.
"No, but I know a couple of old boys from a company
called Halliburton that can put that thing out for you."
(Wrong, its the legendary Red Adair!)
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Chili Cook Off:
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was holding my sides and crying by the end.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas ,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk
from all of the beer.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
**************************************** ************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
**************************************** ************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
**************************************** ************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing its too painful. I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was holding my sides and crying by the end.
If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the
third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas ,
you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about
the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a
parking lot at the San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer when they saw the look on my face.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk
from all of the beer.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB
woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
**************************************** ************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
**************************************** ************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
**************************************** ************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing its too painful. I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
**************************************** *************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of
himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Date
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do
that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your
date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give
her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you
get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long,
passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her
fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"
A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do
that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your
date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give
her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you
get!"
So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.
She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long,
passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her
fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.
After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"
sutherngent985
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smoothdevil said:
wally2450
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A lone American soldier is riding on a crowded London train. He
walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees
an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.
The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your
lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young
man, don't bother us, go away."
The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through
the train and still can't find a seat.
He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again:
"Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please
let me sit down." The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you
to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right
now I'll call the conductor to remove you".
By now the American was quite perturbed so he took one more walk
around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and
threw the poodle right out of the train window.
All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his
newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American
soldier and the English woman.
The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange.
First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use
the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the
window. "
walks around the train trying to find a seat but no luck. He sees
an English woman sitting with her poodle in the seat next to her.
The American asks: "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your
lap so that I can sit down?". The English woman replies: "Young
man, don't bother us, go away."
The American, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through
the train and still can't find a seat.
He goes back to the English woman with the poodle and asks again:
"Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please
let me sit down." The English woman yells: "Young man, I told you
to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right
now I'll call the conductor to remove you".
By now the American was quite perturbed so he took one more walk
around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and
threw the poodle right out of the train window.
All this time an English gentleman has been peering over his
newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American
soldier and the English woman.
The Englishman says:" You know, you Americans are quite strange.
First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use
the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the
window. "
wally2450
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Manners Maketh Man?
In the north of England lived a man, poorly
educated, who made a large fortune by selling his
design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set
about realising his childhood ambition to become a
country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near
the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of
some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in
his family had ever dreamed of.
Foremost of these servants was his butler,
Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in
every way he could to better himself. The master would
often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to
explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves
in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.'
I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently
when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend?
And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord
Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at
breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your
prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and
I dropped the marmalade?
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."
In the north of England lived a man, poorly
educated, who made a large fortune by selling his
design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set
about realising his childhood ambition to become a
country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near
the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of
some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in
his family had ever dreamed of.
Foremost of these servants was his butler,
Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in
every way he could to better himself. The master would
often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to
explain a new term.
One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves
in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?"
"Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas.'
I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently
when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend?
And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord
Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose?
"And do you further remember how later, at
breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your
prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and
I dropped the marmalade?
"That, Sir, was a faux pas."
wally2450
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ewopper
Literotica Guru
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- Jul 22, 2005
- Posts
- 1,408
Announce you have a 20 inch penis... then whip the three incher outMagicFingers said:There are a lot of serious inquires here and in the other forums.
What if we start a joke thread? Sexual jokes preferred, but not required.
I'll start with one:
A guy says to his wife 'Hey honey, I'm feelin a little frisky, wanna mess around? Wife says "Not tonight honey, I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to be, well you know, fresh and clean down there. Husband says "Well then, do you have a Dental appointment?
wally2450
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A 60 year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year-old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted to?"
wally2450
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- 12,353
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that
Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.
'Nope,' replied Jimmy.
'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'
Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'
'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.
'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of
me.'
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the
bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do
you want now?'
'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.
'Fine,' his father said. 'Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'
Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.
'Nope,' replied Jimmy.
'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'
Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'
'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.
'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night
when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of
me.'
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.
That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the
bedroom.
His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily, 'What do
you want now?'
'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.
'Fine,' his father said. 'Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'
wally2450
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The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of
assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability
to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she
met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew
it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
lips,she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced
gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of
assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released
her from her constraining attire.
With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her
bare flesh. He expertly guided his hands through this tender, often
hidden territory, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability
to
satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an
aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it
seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one
heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never
fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been
made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she
met
his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew
it
wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want
more. She would want to do it again and again and again.
DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
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wally2450
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Retirement
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an
elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in
the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys,
etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter
who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he
said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four
cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've
been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes,
that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without
a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and
feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost
for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations
on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount
price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room,
free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize
for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to
ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you
want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
side --
at no charge
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an
elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in
the main dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys,
etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter
who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the line,but he
said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four
cruises, back-to-back.
As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've
been on this ship for the last four cruises". She replied, "Yes,
that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without
a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home".
So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and
feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost
for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations
on a Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount
price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:
1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.
2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have
breakfast-in-bed every day of the week).
3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room,
free washers and dryers, and shows every night.
4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.
5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help
you.
6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.
7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize
for your inconvenience.
8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to
ask for them.
9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will
upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.
Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the
Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you
want to go?
Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a
nursing home, just call shore to ship.
ps: And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
side --
at no charge
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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Marriage Counseling
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a
marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up
their
quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know
the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give
him
half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom
and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then
he came
up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your
fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I
depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a
marriage counselor. The counselor pleaded with them to patch up
their
quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counselor, "you know
the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
property equally."
The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give
him
half? My money?"
"Yes," said the counselor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."
"What about my furniture? I paid for that."
"Same thing," answered the counselor. "Your husband gets the bedroom
and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."
There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then
he came
up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your
fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."
The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I
depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
wally2450
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wally2450
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wally2450
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wally2450
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John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he
wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that
he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You
can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can
sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would
prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there
he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who
are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
----------
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend
all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a
drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse
who gave you coffee. Then there was the head nurse.
wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that
he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You
can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can
sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would
prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there
he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who
are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
----------
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend
all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a
drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse
who gave you coffee. Then there was the head nurse.
wally2450
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The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her mother: "I've won the election, you've got to come to the Inauguration!" "I don't know, what would I wear?" "Don't worry, Christian Dior is designing a dress just for you." "But I only eat kosher food." "The Rabbinical Assembly is sending a mashgiach to kosher the entire White House." "But how will I get there?" "I'll send Air Force One to pick you up." "But where will I sleep?" "You will sleep in the Lincoln Room and I'm having a mikvah built just for you." "OK, OK, if it makes you happy, I'll come." The great day comes and Mama is seated between Trent Lott and Chairman Hastert on the West Front of the Capitol. Mama nudges the Senator and says; "See that girl up there with her hand on the bible?" Senator Lott says, "Yes." "Her brother is a doctor."
wally2450
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