How to make people laugh
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wally2450
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First grade teacher
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the
part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the
part of the story where the first pig was trying to
accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with
the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir,
but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do
you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"
MercyMia
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After being on a flight with screaming kids...I get this one!
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
MercyMia
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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."
"Well ..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave them all a phony name."
wally2450
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The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date . . .
. . . with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
. . . with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitches a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that !!!!
The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her Grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it just is not appropriate.
The grandmother says, "Loosen up Sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."
wally2450
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You live in Florida when....
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even
houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless
people.
6. There are only two seasons, "hot" and "not". The
first one lasts much longer.
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even
houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless
people.
6. There are only two seasons, "hot" and "not". The
first one lasts much longer.
wally2450
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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A dog named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." --
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Pussy tricks
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"
A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of the females' thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and enquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry" replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man, who is getting really interested, enquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman.
The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"
Stunned, the man replies, "No Shit!! It can whistle too?!"
wally2450
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A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely'
in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation
has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much
like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.
So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the
teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer
,
so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her arse, I knew that I was
in definitely
in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.
But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.
Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."
"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"
Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation
has been stopped indefinitely."
The teacher then says that the sentence was too much
like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.
So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the
teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer
,so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her arse, I knew that I was
in definitely
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Can't waste Viagra
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?
She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."
wally2450
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Small hotel
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with
me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you
be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me
at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel,
and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too!"
A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town,
which he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with
me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you
be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me
at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,
"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all
that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes,
silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to
evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk
and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a
hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel,
and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to
stay here, too!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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OUCH
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were
a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled
my name!"
and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery
just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming
from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping
away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching
his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were
a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled
my name!"
wally2450
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- Posts
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wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
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- Posts
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wally2450
Inquisitive
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Old man
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from
the couch and starts putting on his coat. His wife,
seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you
going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra
stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going?"
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what the hell do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from
the couch and starts putting on his coat. His wife,
seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you
going?" He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra
stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on
her coat.
He says, "Where the hell are you going?"
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what the hell do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty
old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series
Of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems
extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarr-
assed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him.
He started yelling, cursing , and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended
up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring
down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely
containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole
incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost."
Of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems
extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom,
he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarr-
assed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed,
gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the
hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed
on him.
He started yelling, cursing , and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended
up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring
down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely
containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole
incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going
on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just
beat the shit out of a ghost."
sutherngent985
Rebel Pride
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- Mar 10, 2007
- Posts
- 1,640
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Ken. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I 'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is," he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled , "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works...
I politely said, "This is Ken. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "asshole calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I 'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is," he said.
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.
"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole," and hung up.
Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled , "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd , Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works...
wally2450
Inquisitive
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
The New Element
Recent hurricanes and climatic issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element.
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) any time from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Any questions?
Recent hurricanes and climatic issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element.
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction (that would normally take less than a second) any time from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of two to six years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which some of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Any questions?
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