wally2450
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How to make people laugh
- Thread starter MagicFingers
- Start date
JustSkye
Gatinha
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Dot!
I love this character. She makes me laugh so hard....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtJrlpYZ6H4
I love this character. She makes me laugh so hard....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtJrlpYZ6H4
wally2450
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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I shouldn't laugh ... but what the hell ...wally2450 said:
:
wally2450
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"Dear Boss"
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your
team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill
the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be
escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to
handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take
a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to
dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great
White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored
guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation
of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a
special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come
up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water
crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked
to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you
to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to
hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby
Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia, your
team members have planned and developed a special itinerary to fill
the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:
Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will be
escorted through the outback and provided with the opportunity to
handle and examine each of the world's 10 most deadly snakes.
Day 2: The "Great White Encounter." You and your tour guide will take
a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be able to
dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty of the Great
White shark.
Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears." You will be the honored
guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate the subjugation
of the aboriginal race by the white man, with free liquor and a
special weapons exhibition.
Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to come
up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-water
crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members are asked
to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.
Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays." This tour will once again return you
to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be allowed to
hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to the wild eels of Stubby
Hand Reef.
We hope you will enjoy your trip!
Your loyal employees.
wally2450
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wally2450
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A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a
table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the
children a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very
softly "damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that
in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the
children a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very
softly "damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that
in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she
said, "Not even when things are all fucked up?!"
wally2450
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FOUR RELIGIOUS TRUTHS
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
Christian World.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters
Raven_Sunset
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Delicacy said:
great joke!
wally2450
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smoothdevil
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BLONDE EDUCATION DEPARTMENT
The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.
Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo's. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.
So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.
Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren't just stupid bimbo's -- after all, they now had their own department at the university.
So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: "I Belong in B.E.D."
smoothdevil
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THE BLONDE COOK
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."
smoothdevil
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A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.
"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"
So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"
"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"
"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."
smoothdevil
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look,
"What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
wally2450
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Game Not Over
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber
whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in
the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two
quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid
never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same
young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey,
son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the
quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I
take the dollar, the game's over!"
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber
whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in
the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two
quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid
never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same
young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey,
son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the
quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied,"Because the day I
take the dollar, the game's over!"
wally2450
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On the third night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut
off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards
his
bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job
instead of the usual stuff.
She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a
"hand job" is.
So, she tells her husband she needs a drink of water, gets out of bed,
puts on her robe and heads downstairs to the phone to call her mom.
Mom," she says, "he says he wants a hand job and I don't know what he
means."
Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing
and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."
Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies.
So she hangs up the phone, heads back upstairs, removes her robe and
crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his
thing
firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.
off the lights and crawl under the covers. Turning amorously towards
his
bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job
instead of the usual stuff.
She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a
"hand job" is.
So, she tells her husband she needs a drink of water, gets out of bed,
puts on her robe and heads downstairs to the phone to call her mom.
Mom," she says, "he says he wants a hand job and I don't know what he
means."
Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing
and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."
Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies.
So she hangs up the phone, heads back upstairs, removes her robe and
crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his
thing
firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.
wally2450
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A man went to a dentist one day for a regular check up. The dentist
decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be
extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to
the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man
said "don't
worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain
that
the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that
he
would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he
had
two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so
the
dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's
amazement
the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two
recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must
have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an
overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and
squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a
rabbit
trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have
been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man
replied
"when I ran out of chain"
decided that one tooth was in such bad condition that it should be
extracted. The dentist advised the man of the situation who agreed to
the procedure.
When the dentist went to give the man an injection the man
said "don't
worry, I don't need an injection". The dentist went on to explain
that
the procedure could be very painful however the patient insisted that
he
would be OK without a needle. The patient went on to explain that he
had
two experiences in recent times that had made him immune to pain so
the
dentist went ahead and extracted the tooth. To the dentist's
amazement
the guy didn't even wince.
The dentist, quite astonished remarked " that was amazing, the two
recent experiences you say you had that made you immune to pain must
have been something special, would you care to tell me about them".
The man said "sure, one day I was out hunting and suddenly had an
overwhelming urge to evacuate my bowels. I ducked behind a bush and
squatted down and my scrotum landed squarely on the trigger of a
rabbit
trap and CRUNCH!!". The dentist exclaimed "oh my god, that must have
been excruciating but what was the second experience". The man
replied
"when I ran out of chain"
wally2450
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smoothdevil
devilishnice
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One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
"What's the problem, Adam?" God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Adam?" comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."
"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you" replies the heavenly voice.
"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam replies.
"She'll cost you a leg, an arm, an eye, an ear, and a testicle."
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam asks God, "Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Oct 21, 2004
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- 14,521
Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her!
A. Call her and tell her!
wally2450
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
DEAR ABBY: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. These
two women go everywhere together and I've One is a middle-aged gym
teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese? -- Curious.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,
how do I get out?
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the
chief petting officer.
two women go everywhere together and I've One is a middle-aged gym
teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. never
seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they
could be Lebanese? -- Curious.
DEAR ABBY: I have a man I never could trust. Why, he cheats so much
I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
DEAR ABBY: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been
on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.
DEAR ABBY: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and
when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said
it would never happen again.
DEAR ABBY: Will you please rush me the name of a reliable
illegitimate doctor?
DEAR ABBY: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy
who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
DEAR ABBY: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now,
how do I get out?
DEAR ABBY: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50
an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
DEAR ABBY: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know
he drank until one night he came home sober.
DEAR ABBY: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is
going through mental pause.
DEAR ABBY: I met this nice guy who was in the service. He's the
chief petting officer.
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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- 12,353
Indian Reservation
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to
be cold or mild?
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky
he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that
the members of the village should collect firewood to
be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going
to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,"
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service
again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could
find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters
ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to
be cold or mild?
Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never
been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky
he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that
the members of the village should collect firewood to
be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going
to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,"
the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to
collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service
again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a
very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again
replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered
them to collect every scrap of firewood they could
find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather
Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter
is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and
more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters
ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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