How to make people laugh

[smoothdevil]

Halloween Humor


A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome Cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't
want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When
you're as old as I am And have been a nun as long as I
have, you get a chance to see and Hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
Say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
that: #1, you have To be single and #2, you must be
Catholic."

The cab drive r is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
Make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm
going to a Halloween party.

 

[smoothdevil]

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. Illustrated by Michael Moore


MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno & Whoopi Goldberg





ALL THE WOMEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Barney Frank (D-Mass) & Boy George


MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill CLinton


MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden & Willie Nelson


THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates & The 'Donald'


THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman < /P>


THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry


AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian



ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel


THE GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson



DELICIOUS SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by PETA



THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY




MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson



HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy




MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson




And the world's #1 thinnest book:

John Wayne's book on "How the Gay Cowboys Won the West"

 

[wally2450]

I have some neighbors that are lesbians and they have a child. It
occurred to me that in this day of age of increasing lesbian couples
that have children, it brings a whole new meaning to one kid taunting
another when he says "My mom can lick your mom any time."

The jury in the Phil Spector murder trial is hung, judge says. Maybe
I am a bit sensitive but is CNN trying to sneak in a little porn?
(Marsha Coleman)

To truly love another, you must first love yourself...And it wouldn't
hurt to wash your hands in between.

 

[glynndah]

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY TWO

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY THREE

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY FOUR

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY FIVE

Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY SIX

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice

 

[smoothdevil]

Golf & Great Sex!


Three golfers, a son, a father and a grandfather were getting ready to tee off when a beautiful young woman asked if she could join them as a fourth. All of the men eagerly agreed. The young woman asked only that they agree not to try to coach or help her with her game.

The guys said, "no problem," and they started their round.

To the men's surprise, the woman played a wonderful round, and the men held to their promise not to interfere. On the last hole, she needed a birdie to score the best round of golf she had ever played. She needed to make about a 15 ft. side hill putt for a birdie.

After looking at the putt from every direction, she just couldn't decide what it would do. Finally she said, "I know I insisted on playing my own game, but if one of you guys can help me make this putt, I will give him the best night of sex you have ever had."

The son, claiming to have the best eyesight, told her he thought the ball would break about 8" to the right.

The father, claiming he had more experience on the greens said he thought it would break more like 12" to the right.

The grandfather looked at the beautiful girl, and grinning from ear to ear, walked over and picked up the girl's ball and handed it to her saying, "It's a gimmie

maturity rocks .... lol

 

[wally2450]

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ON HALLOWEEN BUT AREN'T

10. She's a goblin!
9. I'd like to get a little something
in the sack tonight.
8. Just get on your hands and
knees and bob your head.
7. She's got a couple of nice
pumpkins on her porch.
6. If you just lick it,
it will last longer.
5. Let me see your big sack.
4. Can I eat your zagnuts?
3. Have your mom check it
before you put it in your mouth.
2. You scared me stiff!

And the dirtiest sounding but
not-dirty Halloween saying is...

1.He's got candy spread out
on the living room floor!

 

[wally2450]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What if the battle of Trafalgar took place in 2005.....

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy
Hardy: "Aye, Aye, sir
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the Signals Officer.
What's the meaning of this?
Hardy: "Sorry sir
Nelson: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco"
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free
working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with
it....full speed head."
Hardy: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. A report from the crow's
nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be
erected."
Nelson: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle,
Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-
free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I
refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't get to the rank of
admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented
in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt -- haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny."
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple
of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European
partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't
even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."
Hardy: "Not anymore, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. I could save your
life."
Nelson: "Don't tell me -- health and safety. Whatever happened to
rum,
sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban
on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case....kiss me, Hardy."

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204379.jpg

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204423.gif

 

[wally2450]

Route 66

Two good friends are out driving on Route 66 and one
guy has to take a leak. Being in the middle of nowhere
they pull over by some shrubbery and the guy goes to
relieve himself.

Suddenly, he screams "Aaagh! A rattler bit my cock!"

"Relax!" says his friend, "I'll go find a pay phone
and call a doctor." So his friend drives off and finds
a pay phone, call a doctor and asks what he should do.

"Well," said the doc," you must cut crosses in the wound
and suck out the poison."

"Is that the only way Doc?" asked the man.

"Yes, you must do that or he'll die."

He finally gets back to friend and his friend asked "So,
what did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die, buddy. You're gonna die."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



Ice-cream

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop.
The dad says, "I'll have a chocolate." The wife says,
"I'll have a vanilla."

Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and
says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady helping them says, "Why did you hit him in the
back of the head and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man
wants:

The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that
nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice
truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house.
You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the
edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight
pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!"

 

[wally2450]

A couple of hours into a visit with my mother she noticed I hadn't
lit up a cigarette once. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" "No," I
replied, "I've got a cold and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling
well." "You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you
were sick more often."

 

[wally2450]

Hope your kid doesn't come home with this tattoo!

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204585.jpg

 

[wally2450]

Mary: I can't believe how boring my life has become.

Jill: What do you mean?

Mary: The only time I hear myself say, "I'm coming" is when I'm
trying to tell my cat I'm getting his food ready!

 

[MercyMia]

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt, just short of the edge of the runway.

"Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too ..."

 

[MercyMia]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204585.jpg

That's cute, wally

 

[smoothdevil]

RETIREMENT BONUS


If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "in Vietnam."

 

[smoothdevil]

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon


Things That Are Very Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate


Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You're Drunk

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this
parking lot or on the road side.
10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning
.

 

[MercyMia]

RETIREMENT BONUS

"Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, "in Vietnam."

Ha ha ha! That's a lot of inches.

 

[smoothdevil]

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS


Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off
for work leaving my husband in the house watching the
TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the
road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I
got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the
bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate
love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for
twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he
went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had
come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd
carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed,
and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began
thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to
break free when I came back. But when I asked him why
neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and
admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past
six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go
from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery
pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: The Robot
>
>
>
>
>
> A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel.
>
> As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.
>
> The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, If you please."
>
> Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
>
> The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, Sir, what is your IQ?"
>
> The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
>
> The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
>
> The man was most impressed. The next day he
> returned, But thought he would try a different tack.
>
> The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
> This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
>
> So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend
> The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
>
> Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
>
> This time the man drawled out, " Uh.....'bout 50."
>
> The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r
> p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o- n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

 

[wally2450]

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancée that he had to break
off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204791.gif

 

[wally2450]

Things not seen...


http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204792.jpg

 

[wally2450]

A guy cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear:
"Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a
splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please,
honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"

 

[wally2450]

http://www.pixcastle.com/pic/7320VMGVv/204908.gif