How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

A womans perfect breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-



What do you call a coke bottle full of bees?
A West Virginia Vibrator

 

[wally2450]

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something with which you'd
like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh,
fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-
bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and
give you a headache."

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Software engineering management course

At a recent software engineering management course in
the US, the participants were given an awkward question
to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and
discovered that your team of programmers had been
responsible for the flight control software how many of
you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man
sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied
that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely
to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

 

[mrtnmoon]

the easiest way to make someone laugh is to show them a video of some guy getting hit in the head or the crotch with almost anything.

 

[alaskabibear]

the easiest way to make someone laugh is to show them a video of some guy getting hit in the head or the crotch with almost anything.

Ooops! Your too late - they already have that show on TV.

 

[wally2450]

SWAT team

The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT
team was trying to get him out.

A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or
I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"

The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you
don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll
kill us both!"

 

[wally2450]

There was this hooker named Tina who mistook a Salvation
Army man for a soldier and propositioned him. The Salva-
tion Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a
pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you
familiar with the concept of 'original sin'?"

Tina replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's
*really* original, it'll cost you an extra $20

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2002037271226.gif

 

[wally2450]

http://i217.photobucket.com/albums/cc311/ignant1/dilbert2002037271226-1.gif

 

[MagicFingers]

Why do I hang around you?

Ahh, musicians always get the ladies...

 

[wally2450]

A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his
twenty-four-hour pass and was besieged by his buddies who wanted to
know, in detail, how he had made out.

The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, "What a piece of fuckin'
luck I had.

I hadn't been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin'
broad and was she stacked!

We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin' hamburgers.

Then we went to a fuckin' movie where we got friendly.

Then she took me to her fuckin' apartment and in less than five minutes
I had every fuckin' stitch off her."

He paused for breath and everyone cried out, "So what happened?" What
happened?"

And the soldier said, "What do you think happened, you fuckin' jerks?

We had sexual intercourse."

 

[wally2450]

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in
the morning and does not stop until you get into the office"

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

"The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; The guy who invented the
other three, he was the genius. "

"If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?"

 

[wally2450]

Can little girls have babies

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked,
"Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard
him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that
game again!"

 

[wally2450]

A USMC sniper was real good at his job. This sniper had
a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy
and when someone stood up to reply, Bang! One less
insurgent! After every mission the company commander
would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"

However, on this particular day when asked about the
number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one
go."

"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do
you mean, you let one go?"

"Well, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big
insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I
just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

 

[alaskabibear]

All For A Good Cause

The IRS agent questioned the deduction for my new computer and the monthly high-speed internet charges.

So I assured him that it was a legitimate deduction. "In fact," I said, "the internet is a wonderful humanitarian tool. It allows us all to give away pieces of our mind - 2 cents at a time!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Unjust Criticism

Lawyers get a lot of unjust criticism.

I would like to remind you that it is not right to condemn a whole profession just because of 350,000 bad apples.

 

[done_got_old]

An oldie......probably posted already.

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

'Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?'

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness,better health plan.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Get Out Of Bed!


A survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night...

* 5% said it was to get a glass of water...

* 12% said it was to go to the toilet...

* 83% said it was to go home

 

[smoothdevil]

The Ant and the Grasshopper

TRADITIONAL VERSION:


The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and

plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food

or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION :

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays

the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering
grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled

with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to

suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when

they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news

stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel

down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the

ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax

hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to

the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number

of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated

by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit

against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton

appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while

the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles

around him because he doesn't do anything to maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned,

is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be very careful how you vote in 2008

 

[smoothdevil]

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing
Sheldon!

All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the
size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the
size of a 5 cent piece.

Mother says, 'You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman, you live in a mansion, you drive a
Ferrari, you get $10,000 a week allowance, you
take 6 vacations a year, and you want to throw
all that away for 45 cents ... ?

 

[smoothdevil]

The Phone Call

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a
bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see
advertised in the phone book under 'Escorts and Massages'.

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique,
a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right
curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair; long
graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is in his
room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy!

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one.
No, wait - I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night;
Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you
want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line, you
need to press 9.'

 

[smoothdevil]

Tattoos

A drunk is sitting at the bar and has tattoos all over
His arms and is bragging how he knows ALL the different
Tattoos in the world.

A hooker in the stool next to him spreads her legs -
she's wearing no underwear and has a tattoos of rock
Stars on each inner thigh. She says to the drunk: "I
Bet ya can't tell who these tattoos are - and if you
Can, I'll give you a blow job."

The drunk is totally lost - and retorts: "ya got me!
I don't know about the ones on the right or left -
But the one in the middle looks like Willie Nelson!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Medical Examinations

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff,
rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and
began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong
one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX .

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'
replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial
infarction. Not more than five minutes later, I heard
her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba , Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was
having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which
one?' I asked. 'The patch. The nurse told me to put on
a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch
before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?
' After a look of complete
confusion she answered...'Why, not for about twenty
years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked,! 'So how 's
your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except
for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a
young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short note on the patient's dressing, which said,
'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN...no name

AND FINALLY!!!.........

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I
was quite embarrassed when performing a female
pelvic exams.

To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing emberassing me.I
looked up from my work and sheeplishly said I'm
sorryt Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor,
but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

The Dr. wouldn't submit his name.

 

[smotherman]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

 

[northern_nights]

Not sure if this one has been posted yet, but i'ts one of my favorites:

A couple had been married 15 years.
One afternoon they were working in the garden together.
As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."
The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick, measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"
The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.
"What's the matter?" he asked.
She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?"

 

[smotherman]

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."