How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me To time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, Yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing Sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I Went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate Myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex Offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the Kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for Mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?" He said "Because you came home early."

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had anything to play with.

 

[smoothdevil]

> NEW MATH
>
>
>
> LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
>
> Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that these kids
> can use is real-world situations!
>
>
> NAME____________________
>
>
> GANG/CREW NAME______________ C RIB_________________
>
> 1. Ramón has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out
> of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How
> many
> drive-by shootings can Ramón attempt before he has to reload?
>
> 2. Leroy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
> for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street
> value of the
> rest of h is hold?
>
> 3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many
> tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day
> crack habit?
>
> 4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to
> make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain
> the 20% profit ?
>
> 5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette,
> and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how
> many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
>
> 6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
> his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much
> money will be left when he gets out?
>
> 7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
> average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
> 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
>
> 8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his
> gang.What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knock e d up?
>
> 9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa
> Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If
> aShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed
> the Boa on one week's
> income?
>
> 10. Marvin steals Juan's skate board. As Marvin skates away at 15
> mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load
> his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
>

 

[smoothdevil]

Zero Gravity
>
>
>
> When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
>
> quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not
>
> work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA
>
> scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing
>
> a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on
>
> almost any surface including glass and at
>
> temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
>
>
>
> The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due
>
> again--enjoy paying them !!!
>
>

 

[wally2450]

A boy took a girl out on her first date. When they
pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the
girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything."

"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around
you?"

"No," the girl replied.

"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"

"Nooo," the girl said.

"You know," said the boy, "We're going to have a lot
of fun if you're on the level about this, and follow
your mother's advice."

 

[wally2450]

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after
some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the
young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two
breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the
channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass
and treble depending which mode you want."

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression,
and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".

Young man said, "Ok come to my hotel room and prove it
to me."

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the
hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady
undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling
the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while
nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and
start rubbing with greater pressure.

Again, nothing happened.

The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello
sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass
nipples there are no response."

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your
power."

 

[glynndah]

A Wife's Poem

He didn't like the casserole and he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right. He didn't like the stew.
I didn't mend his socks the way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer... I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...



Like his mother used to do.


-----------------------------------------------------------

Mathematics


From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:


What Makes 100%?


What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?


Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?


We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give
over 100%.


How about achieving 103%?


What makes up 100% in life?


Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:


If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:


H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K is
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard
Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you
there, it's the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the
top.

______________________________________________________________


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says

Liver alone. Cheese mine."

 

[wally2450]

Soldier's Letter
A Soldier Received A Letter From His Girlfriend, But He Couldn't Show It
To His Friends, Because She Signed It "mother," And This Is What She
Wrote:

M- Is For The Many Times We Did It.

O- Is For The Other Times We Tried.

T- Is For The Terrific Times We Have.

H- Is For The Hotel We Went To.

E- Is For The Easy Way We Went.

R- Is For The Rhythm We Had.

That Spells "mother" -- What I'm Going To Be In 9 Months.
He Wrote Back And This Is What He Said:

F- Is For The Fucked Up Letter You Sent Me.

A- Is For The Ass You Are.

T- Is For The Trouble Your In.

H- Is For The Hoe You Really Are.

E- Is For The Easy Way You Gave It Up.

R- Is For The Romance We Never Had.

And I'll Be Damned If I'm The Father
This Is What I Think Of The Baby:

B- Is For The Baby Without A Father.

A- Is For The Abortion You Better Get.

B- Is For The Bastard He Or She Will Be.

Y- Is For The "yes" When You Should Have Said "no."

She Realized That She Forgot A Few Things In The First Letter So She
Wrote The Dickless Wonder Back And This Is What She Said:
B- Is For The Beef You Had With Me.
E- Is For The Eating You Did.

S- Is For The Good Pussy You Sucked.

T- Is For The Times I Got You Hard.

F- Is For The Funny Made Dick You Have.

R- Is The Rash On Your Ass.

I- Is For The Intercourse That Was Boring.

E- Is For The Energy For You To Cum.

N- Is For The Nasty Ass Dog You Are.

D- Is For The Dad Your Going To Be.

And That Spells "bestfriend" -- Who I Was Fuckin' While You Were Away.

 

[wally2450]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs."

"Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's
true...no more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained the frog's alleged ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off.

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this somewhat onerous task again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the
frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're gone."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting and talking on their
usual park bench one morning.


The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short
of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina, and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high, and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have
any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves.

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 5th loaf,
it'll be hard".

He replied, "I can't believe it. Everybody in the world knows about this
shit but me."

 

[wally2450]

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee
refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none
of the members knows how to play one.


2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they
learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.


3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says,
"I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two
women stand up.


4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer
season is recognized as an official church holiday.


5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church
requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of."


6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir is known as
the "OK Chorale."


7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... in a congregation of
500 members, there are only seven different last names in the church
directory.


8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people think "rapture"
is what you get when you lift something too heavy.


9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the baptismal pool is a
#2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.


10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the choir robes were
donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.


11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the collection plates
are really hubcaps from a'56 Chevy.


12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... instead of a bell; you
are called to service by a duck call.


13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the minister and his
wife drive matching pickup trucks.


14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the communion wine is
Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."


15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... "Thou shall not covet"
applies to huntin' dogs, too.


16. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the final words of the
benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya heah."


God Bless and don't Y'all fergit ta say yer prayers!!!

 

[MercyMia]

An Old Classic

Nun Prostitution

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without
second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun
in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

 

[glynndah]

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting, or as some churches call it, "Cry Sunday," one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats

"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new"

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife Jill,

That word is: STERNUM!"

 

[wally2450]

Two builders (Chris & James)are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children !
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often ?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker

 

[smoothdevil]

> WICOE
> (Women In Charge Of Everything)
>
>
>
>
>
> is proud to announce the opening of its
> EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!
>
>
>
>
>
> OPEN TO MEN ONLY
> ALL ARE WELCOME
>
> Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept
> a maximum of eight participants
>
> The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
>
> DAY ONE
>
> HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
> Step by step guide with slide presentation
>
> TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
> Round table discussion
>
> DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
> Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
>
> DISHES & SILVERWARE;
> DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
> OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
> Debate among a panel of experts.
>
> REMOTE CONTROL
> Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
>
> LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
> Starting with looking in the right place
> instead of turning the house upside down while screaming -
> Open forum
>
>
> DAY TWO
>
> EMPTY MILK CARTONS;
> DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
> Group discussion and role play
>
> HEALTH WATCH;
> BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
> PowerPoint presentation
>
> REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
> Real life testimonial from the one man who did
>
> IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
> AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
> Driving simulation
>
> LIVING WITH ADULTS;
> BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
> YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
> Online class and role playing
>
> HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
> Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
>
> REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
> & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
> Bring your calendar or PDA to class
>
> GETTING OVER IT;
> LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
>
>

 

[smoothdevil]

Two builders (Chris & James)are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession !
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children !
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often ?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker

LMAO .....

 

[wally2450]

Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk, dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to thecontrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-----Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-----Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-----Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-----Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-----Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-----Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-----Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

[smoothdevil]

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

13. Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap

15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden
Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

 

[wally2450]

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your
husband to be present at the birth?" She says, "I'm afraid I don't have
a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my
own." After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy
bouncing baby, but the baby is black." The girl says, "I was down on my
luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair." The girl says, "There
was a Swedish guy in the movie, too." The nurse says, "The baby also has
slanted eyes." The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it
cries out. The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little
bastard was gonna bark."

 

[smoothdevil]

A nurse says to a girl in the maternity ward, "Would you like your
husband to be present at the birth?" She says, "I'm afraid I don't have
a husband, or a boyfriend. I'm unattached...I'll be having my baby on my
own." After the birth, the nurse says to the girl, "You have a healthy
bouncing baby, but the baby is black." The girl says, "I was down on my
luck, so I took a job in a porno movie where the lead man was black."
The nurse says, "The baby also has blonde hair." The girl says, "There
was a Swedish guy in the movie, too." The nurse says, "The baby also has
slanted eyes." The girl says, "There was a Chinaman in the movie, too."
Then the nurse hands the baby to the girl. The girl spanks it, and it
cries out. The girl says, "That's a relief. I was afraid the little
bastard was gonna bark."

LMAO .................

 

[wally2450]

The dog's diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home, Mom! My favorite!
7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home, Dad! My favorite!
8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!


The cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity . . . My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear in their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return he is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in a metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it's only a matter of time.

 

[Cathleen]

Oh Wally, THANK YOU for the best laugh! If only I hadn't become their slave.

 

[smoothdevil]

Naughty Riddles

Q.What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.

Q: What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 US leader

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.

Q: Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.

Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can sleep with a light on.

Q: Why is sex like a bridge game?
A: You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

 

[wally2450]

So up goes an Irishman to the pearly gates, and he
patiently waits for St. Peter to look up from his work. Finally, he
gives the Irishman his attention. "And you are?" St. Peter asks.

"I'm Kevin O'Conlan," replies the Irishman.

"Hmm, O'Conlan...O'Conlan..." the gatekeeper mused,
poring over his compendious list of people and events.
"Ah, here we are. Kevin O'Conlan, you're a member of
the Irish Republican Army."

"Yeh, that'd be me," replies Kevin.

"You blew up that pub in London!"

"Yeh."

"You also blew up a bus in Belfast and a munitions
transport in Northumberland."

"Yeh, that's all me work," comes the nonplussed reply.

St. Peter is just amazed at this guy, and when he finally finds words,
he blurts, "Well, good God, man, we just can't let you in heaven !"

"Let me in? No way Pete!" says Kevin. "I come to tell you
you've all got twelve minutes to get out!"

 

[wally2450]

One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Wal-mart." That afternoon, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. When he got home, he =20 mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and his own sperm sample for good measure, and hurried to Wal-mart before it closed, eager to check the results. He =20 deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer lights up, and ten =20 seconds later prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener kit. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-mart

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: Fw: The diet


A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you
should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by having
lost Nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The Newfie nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut
I were going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from friggin skippin' !"