How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Blond parents

Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

 

[wally2450]

Robin Williams on Golf

http://www.madville.com/link.php?id=157862&t=20

 

[wally2450]

Three Religious Truths

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader
of the Christian faith.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at Hooters.

 

[wally2450]

When deer attack

I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head

(to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up...3 of them.
I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it. It took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death. I managed to get it lined up to back in between my truck and the feeder... a little trap I had set beforehand.
Kind
of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head...
almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.
The
reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all , besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.
What
they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head. I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op.
I
got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust and looking like hell.
The
guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"

I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear....not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer." I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it.
The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there.

I asked him to call somebody to come get me... I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did.

Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could... I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.
EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth).



For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders.
I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider... a "city folk"... I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the dumb-ass that tried to rope the deer.

 

[wally2450]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.  Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

 

[Bottomlover]

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at Hooters.

One of the things I learned while living in the South: If you go fishing with Baptists, always take 2 of them. If you take only one, he will drink all of your beer. With 2, neither will drink any.

 

[wally2450]

One of the things I learned while living in the South: If you go fishing with Baptists, always take 2 of them. If you take only one, he will drink all of your beer. With 2, neither will drink any.

Roflmao!

 

[wally2450]

Bambi, a blond in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

 

[wally2450]

The little boy came into the bathroom while his mother was taking a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"

She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked, "Grandma what's that between your legs?"

She replied, "That's my squirrel."

The little boy said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as grey as yours."

Grandma replied, "Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Wayne wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl
In his office, but she was married. One day Wayne got so frustrated that
He went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex
With you."

The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Wayne said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
Down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her husband,
So she called him and explained the situation.

Her husband says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast. He
Won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the husband is still waiting for his wife's
Call. Finally, after 45 minutes the husband calls and asks what happened?

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

 

[smoothdevil]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?


DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.




OPRAH : Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.



GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.



DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.



ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.



JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.



PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.



MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.



DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.



JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that!



GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.



BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.



JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet e explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra..#@&&^( C ....... reboot .



ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?



BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?



AL GORE : I invented the chicken!



COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[smoothdevil]

> The Golf Swing
>
> A husband and his blonde wife love to golf together, but neither of them
>are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The
>husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No,
>no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
>
> "Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
>
> "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
>wife's breast."
>
> Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250
>yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with
>the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
>
> The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing
>and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
>
> "What can I do ?" asks the w ife .
>
> "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
>
> The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP
>-- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
>
> "You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now,
>take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your
> hands..."
>

 

[smoothdevil]

DATING RITUALS



WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.



IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.


The POINT?



DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
Life is Short, Have a Great Day.

 

[smoothdevil]

An angry woman shouted to her husband, "If I had known you were this stupid I'd have never married you!"

The husband replied, "You should have known how stupid I was when I asked you to marry me!"

 

[smoothdevil]

A little 70 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big hairy,
bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy was quite amused, but says she needs to meet certain
requirements in order to join, he explains.

The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there",
and points to a flamed black chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?

The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish. I'll drink
everyone in your club under the table."

The biker asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple more in the
evening while I'm shooting pool."

The guy is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever
been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've
been swung around by my nipples a few times."

 

[wally2450]

The bride smiled sweetly at the maid of honor when they both
overheard the groom say to the best man, "Look, I'm positive she's a
virgin. In fact, if you care to bet, I'll give you 20 to 1 odds."
When they were alone though, the bride shouted, "How could you do
such a thing? We're only just married & already you're throwing money
away."

 

[wally2450]

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year
later, he was in court filing for divorce. "OK" said the judge, "Tell
the court why you want a divorce." "Well your honor," Dan started,
"Every once in awhile my sister-n-law would come over for a visit,
and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in
awhile I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must
be some difference between the two women," said the judge. "You'd
better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want
the divorce!

 

[wally2450]

Could she be blond...

A worried father confronted his daughter one night. "i don't like
that new boyfriend, he's rough and common and bloody stupid with it."
"Oh no, Daddy," the daughter replied, "Fred's ever so clever, we've
only been going out nine weeks and he's cured me of that illness i
used to get once a month."

 

[smoothdevil]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's Clock?" asked the man.

Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

[wally2450]

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana. Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

 

[NippleMuncher]

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", said the teacher.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My little kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

 

[wally2450]

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wif a big frog in his
mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like dem frogs, so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf water moccasin, so he had to be real careful or he'd git bit. He snuk up behin' dat snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrap hisself roun' Boudreaux's arm try'n to git hisself free. But Boudreaux, he had a real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bibs and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snake's mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs kinda roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou. Den he goes back to fishin'.

A while later! Boudreaux dun feel sumpin' tappin' on his barefoot toe.

He slowly look down and dare wuz dat water moccasin . . . wif two more frogs.

 

[wally2450]

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out
the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man
said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of
his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment
the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman
pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a
public function when the platform gave way.'"

 

[wally2450]

MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched
to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?""Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped
another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today.

 

[wally2450]

Hunting Dog

This man wanted to buy a hunting dog. He heard of this guy who had a dog for sale, so he went to check it out. They get the dog out to the woods and the owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!"

The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks once. The man asked the owner "What does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked once, that means he saw one rabbit."

The guy says "OK, let's see it again."

The owner snaps his fingers and says "GO!" The dog takes off, comes back a few minutes later, and barks twice.

The guy asks "OK, what does that mean?"

The owner says "Well, he barked twice, that means he saw two rabbits."

The guy says "OK, one more time and he's sold." The owner snaps his fingers, the dog takes off, comes back carrying a stick and starts to hump his owners leg.

The guy says "WHAT! does that mean?

The owner says "Well, that means he just saw more fuckin' rabbits than you can shake a stick at!"