How to make people laugh
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wally2450
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A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any
specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well,
I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to
bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a
hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic
disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a
woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you
have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a
moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars,
I guess!"
Over in Europe, Milos took his blonde American girlfriend for a holiday
in Greece. They ended up on Paradise Beach, the most famous nude beach
on the island of Mykonos.
After a day of frolicking in the altogether, both ended up with horrible
sunburns. They suffered all the way back home to Milos' apartment.
In the middle of the night, Milos awoke with a burning thirst, and
headed to the kitchen where he poured himself a big glass of ice-cold
milk. He quickly gulped down the glass of milk; then, thirst slaked, he
realized that his worst source of discomfort was his incredibly
sunburned dick. After thinking about it for a moment, he poured another
glass of cold milk, and slipped his poor, sunburned dick into it.
*Just* as he let out a huge sigh of relief, the kitchen lights came on
and there stood his blond American girlfriend.
"Wow!" she exclaimed, bug-eyed with amazement, "I always
wondered how you guys loaded those things. . . "
specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked. "Well,
I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to
bleed for hours," she replied. "Do you think I might be a
hemophiliac?" "Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic
disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a
woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you
have your period?" the doctor inquired. After calculating for a
moment the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars,
I guess!"
Over in Europe, Milos took his blonde American girlfriend for a holiday
in Greece. They ended up on Paradise Beach, the most famous nude beach
on the island of Mykonos.
After a day of frolicking in the altogether, both ended up with horrible
sunburns. They suffered all the way back home to Milos' apartment.
In the middle of the night, Milos awoke with a burning thirst, and
headed to the kitchen where he poured himself a big glass of ice-cold
milk. He quickly gulped down the glass of milk; then, thirst slaked, he
realized that his worst source of discomfort was his incredibly
sunburned dick. After thinking about it for a moment, he poured another
glass of cold milk, and slipped his poor, sunburned dick into it.
*Just* as he let out a huge sigh of relief, the kitchen lights came on
and there stood his blond American girlfriend.
"Wow!" she exclaimed, bug-eyed with amazement, "I always
wondered how you guys loaded those things. . . "
wally2450
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
NippleMuncher
Masticatus Nipplicanis
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- 4,176
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand
wally2450
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This happened at a major Australian University,
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertantly said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However,as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question."It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels
found in semen. A young woman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?" The professor responded, "yes, that's correct", adding some statistical data to his lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had inadvertantly said, she picked up her books, and without another word, walked out of the class - and never returned. However,as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question."It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat."
wally2450
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Four women were chatting in the locker room, when one
of them mentioned the fact that while there were
numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off,
wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't
any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the
women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'"
said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have
any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of
marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
of them mentioned the fact that while there were
numerous terms for male masturbation jerking off,
wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on there weren't
any common terms for female masturbation.
"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the
women.
"But that's just a feminization of 'jacking off,'"
said the first.
"You're right," said another. "We don't seem to have
any slang terms of our own for it."
The fourth woman snorted. "After fourteen years of
marriage, there's only one thing I call it."
"What's that?"
"Finishing the job."
wally2450
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A handsome advertising executive attended a party given by a female
colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest. In the office
the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he really
liked her friend. "Oh, she's not really a friend of mine," the girl
responded. "Just an acquaintance." "Well, in that case," the man
chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance."
colleague and left with an extremely attractive guest. In the office
the next morning, he thanked the hostess and explained that he really
liked her friend. "Oh, she's not really a friend of mine," the girl
responded. "Just an acquaintance." "Well, in that case," the man
chuckled, "I'm happy to have made your acquaintance."
wally2450
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A blond is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."
"Don't you have a phone in your car?"
"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
"Uh ... How's that working?"
"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
"And why do you think that is?"
"I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
"Don't you have a phone in your car?"
"That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
"Uh ... How's that working?"
"Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."
"And why do you think that is?"
"I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."
wally2450
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A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man bust out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself?
The man replied, "Well your Honor it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident," I just lost it.
He was acquitted.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself?
The man replied, "Well your Honor it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling," and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident," I just lost it.
He was acquitted.
smoothdevil
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Subject: HEADACHE REMEDY
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository. It's up to you."
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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Subject: An Unlikely Couple
> A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah
> when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured
> and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an
> American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
> given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
> happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and
> moving north along the highway here, and coming south
> was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each
other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
> "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable
> lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left
> wing liberal drunk."
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a
> frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, " Oh yeah? Well, so does
> Hillary Clinton!"
And, there we were, in the middle of
> the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us!!!"
> A U.S. Marine squad was patrolling north of Fallujah
> when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured
> and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an
> American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
> given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
> happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and
> moving north along the highway here, and coming south
> was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each
other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
> "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable
> lowlife, and he yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left
> wing liberal drunk."
"So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a
> frigid, ugly, mean-spirited lesbian!"
He retaliated by yelling, " Oh yeah? Well, so does
> Hillary Clinton!"
And, there we were, in the middle of
> the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us!!!"
smoothdevil
devilishnice
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- Posts
- 14,521
I won
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a Motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a pri ze.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"
The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."
But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a Motorhome!"
Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a pri ze.
The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!"
And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
"W I N A B A G E L"
wally2450
Inquisitive
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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and
I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence."
had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and
I made love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and
make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.
This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple
passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You
must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?"
Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
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"What's this I hear about you breaking off your engagement Bernice? said
her
closest friend.
"Well," Bernice confirmed,
"Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a
lot to
be desired."
~~~~~
Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to
triplets.
"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the
one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
her
closest friend.
"Well," Bernice confirmed,
"Although his diamond was of pretty good quality, his mounting left a
lot to
be desired."
~~~~~
Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to
triplets.
"You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the
one.
"Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?"
NippleMuncher
Masticatus Nipplicanis
- Joined
- Apr 3, 2003
- Posts
- 4,176
wally2450 said:
One of my all time favorite jokes.
smoothdevil
devilishnice
- Joined
- Oct 21, 2004
- Posts
- 14,521
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed
in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,
eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys
feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from
Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage
and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when
the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?
If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed
in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire.
The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?"
The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow
and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,
eh."
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in
parkas, toques and mittens.
The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys
feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from
Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance
to warm up a little bit, eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two
guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are
wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from
Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage
and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm
weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a cook-out when
the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he
comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in
hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do
anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens.
NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like
mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know?
If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."
wally2450
Inquisitive
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- Dec 12, 2005
- Posts
- 12,353
Another way of looking at it…. Here is to hoping the younger minds in our country can understand.
Subject: A Good Republican
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat,
and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the
occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil,
selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed
objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He
responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course
load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she
knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,
she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a
blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of
time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.
She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
Subject: A Good Republican
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many
others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat,
and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the
occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil,
selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed
objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He
responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course
load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she
knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many
college friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"
She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes,
she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a
blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes
because she's too hung over."
Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of
time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree.
She played while I worked my tail off!"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican party."
wally2450
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A tale is told about a small town that had historically been "dry" (no alcohol sold), but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern. A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene. It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible. The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that: "No matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear. The tavern owner believes in prayer and the Christians do not."
wally2450
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A developmentally delayed guy visited his girl friend and found she
didn't have very much on. When he next saw her nine months later she
had a little moron.
Policeman arrested a prostitute? Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!"
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?" Prostitute: "I'm selling
condoms and offering free demos."
didn't have very much on. When he next saw her nine months later she
had a little moron.
Policeman arrested a prostitute? Prostitute: "I'm not selling sex!"
Policeman: "Then what are you doing?" Prostitute: "I'm selling
condoms and offering free demos."
wally2450
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Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we would give them food and love in return.
Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said, "I feel the same way about men."
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What an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
========
Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said, "I feel the same way about men."
========
What an automated society we live in.
Have you ever noticed that when a traffic signal turns green, it automatically activates the horn of the car behind you?
========
wally2450
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========
My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in.
Finally, I looked at him and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbitt only got six months!"
He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"
My husband and I were in a heated argument that lasted over two hours, neither of us willing to give in.
Finally, I looked at him and said: "I only have one thing left to say, Lorena Bobbitt only got six months!"
He stared at me, thinking for a few seconds, then replied: "Yeah? Well O.J. got off scott free!"
wally2450
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In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a Building Permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There is a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
wally2450
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One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed "Sweet Mother Mary! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed "Sweet Mother Mary! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
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