How to make people laugh

[wally2450]

Locked keys in car

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.

Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional."

 

[wally2450]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says
>to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a
>doctor."
>
>"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
>
>"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
>sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
>
>It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . A lot cheaper than a
>doctor."
>
>So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
>
>He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
>sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
>
>Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
>
>"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
>activity. It will improve in two weeks if you rest it. Thank you for
>shopping @ Wal-Mart."
>
>That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
>wondering if the computer could be fooled.
>
>He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
>his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
>
>Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
>dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
>
>The computer prints the following:
>
>1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
>2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
>3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
>4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
>5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
>better!
>
>Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

[NippleMuncher]

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before
breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed
to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak
on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food,
but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you until noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route
march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get
sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He
nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just
ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle
with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they
got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds
and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

 

[NippleMuncher]

Wife: Do you remember that neighbor who was always puttering around in her garden?

Husband: I don't think so.

Wife: Of course you do! Three houses down ... Rode a bicycle everywhere.

Husband: Nope!

Wife: Green bikini?

Husband: Kimberly Thompson

 

[wally2450]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a Lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a Lesbian."

 

[wally2450]

On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog following. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.

About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."

The redneck cowboy replies, "No way dog's in heat; he's cool cause I got'im tied under the shade of the tree."

The policeman says, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred.

"No way", the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, he's not hungry, cause I fed him beef jerky this mornin".

Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!"

The redneck looks at him and says, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"

 

[smoothdevil]

>>Subject: Golf match
>
>
>
>
>Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods
>turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
>
>Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
>Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing,
>but I think I've got that going right now."
>
>Stevie says, "I always find that when my golf swing goes wrong, I need
>to stop playing for a while and not think about it.
>Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
>
>Tiger says, "You play golf?"
>
>Wonder says,"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
>Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't
>see?"
>
>Wonder replies,"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
>and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
>toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to
>t he
>green or farther down the fairway and again I play the next shot till I get
>to the green."
>
>
>But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
>
>Well," says Stevie, I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
>and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
>toward his voice."
>
>Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
>
>Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
>
>Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
>sometime."
>
>Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
>for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
>
>Woods thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like
>to play?"
>
>Stevie says,"Pick a night."
>

 

[smoothdevil]

Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector
> >
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a
real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness.
It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
> >
"If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field
Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
trained personnel.
> >
"Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse . Foreign balls can be replaced using
the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by single twist off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive
handling can result in sudden discharge.
> >
"Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing
his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and
replacing these necessary items.
> >
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working
balls is an unhappy customer."

 

[smoothdevil]

Southern Humor
>
>Kentucky The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying
>an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help .
>
>He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University
>of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
>how much would you take off?"
>
>The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
>earrings."
>
>You gotta love those Kentucky women.
>

 

[wally2450]

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.


I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and such. I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations -- I wasn't going to let this homeless man go out without someone taking notice of the service! I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for more than 20 years."

 

[Ron54]

Living WIll

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer........She's
Such A Bitch.......

 

[NippleMuncher]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

 

[wally2450]

My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach,
CA. Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a
great tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if
the roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look,
then replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."

 

[wally2450]

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she flounces.
The next evening the teenager comes downstairs, and her grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.
"Grandma I have friends coming over and that's just NOT appropriate".
"Loosen up, sweetie" says Grandma "These are modern times, and if you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

[wally2450]

One day the wife asked her husband what will he do if she were to die.

The husband replied, "I'll also die."

The wife asked him, "Why?"

Husband replied, "Well, you know I have a heart condition and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness."

========

In an interview last week, Paris Hilton said she never discussed sex with her parents. She said she was too shy to ask them about it. In fact, everything she knows about sex she learned from watching her
own video. - Jay Leno

 

[wally2450]

Did you hear the one about the day Oral Roberts, Jerry Falwell and Robert Schuler were driving to a big "tent meeting" together? Unfortunately, they were involved in a terrible accident and all three were killed. As you might expect they all ascended into heaven and came to standing in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted them and welcomed them to heaven. Then he started to hem and haw around and finally explained that they hadn't any advance notice of this situation and so weren't quite prepared for three so illustrious and holy men. He explained how all three of them qualified for the very finest accommodations heaven had to offer including very large and splendid mansions, but they weren't quite ready so would they mind waiting a few days?

They replied that they wouldn't mind waiting, but were they just going to have to stand there for several days? St. Peter said no, he believed he could arrange temporary quarters for them in Hell. Sometimes Satan was willing to help out in emergencies, whereupon he placed a call to Brother Satan and made the arrangements. They descended into Hell.

Noon on the fourth day after their descent St. Peter gets a frantic phone call from the Devil demanding that he remove these three guys from hell immediately. St. Peter couldn't believe his ears and asked what could possibly be wrong with these three upstanding people.

The Devil replied, "They are ruining my place down here. In less than four days Jerry Falwell has saved everybody, Oral Roberts has healed everybody, and Robert Schuller has raised enough money to air condition the whole damn place!!"

 

[wally2450]

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with
a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man
enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at
the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some
raisin bread, please." the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the
raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man,
standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with
an excellent view. As the clerk retrieves the bread, a
small group of male customers gather around the young
man, looking in the same direction.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread,
just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated.
She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring
at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the throng. "Is yours raisin too?"
the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the feeble old man.... "But it's startin'
to twitch."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cook book once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and. . . .'"

 

[glynndah]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your
heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the
life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green
leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended
daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a
ride"

 

[glynndah]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!

I don't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and
started jumping up and down with her. She said, "I have some really great
news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me, why are you so happy?"

She stopped jumping and told me she was pregnant!

I knew that she had been trying for awhile so I told her, "That's great, I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

"What do you mean more?", I asked.

"Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said..."I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a Home Pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive.

 

[wally2450]

Golf fanatic.


This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better, even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee, and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said "Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you're lucky, the ball will roll onto the green.

The way you've played today, I think you can make it."

So the guy takes a look and sees that it's a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Twenty years go by and the man can't forget that horrible day.

People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews, and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole, he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says "Sir, the way you've been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green."

The guy says "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied."

 

[wally2450]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.


Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again and grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.


In the morning, the husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.


He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were ,, or what we did ,, but, by God..we took first and second place.

 

[glynndah]

Subject: Have a Happy Period!
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads
for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body
amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about
the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point
is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling
with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and
yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on
the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you
freakin' kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing
happiness -is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to
jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir,
please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take
my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best Wishes,
Wendy

 

[wally2450]

Subject: Have a Happy Period!
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads
for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the Leak Guard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer
clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my
favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on
being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that
maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my
body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to
call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body
amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no
doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your
customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about
the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense
mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely
realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's
testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he
thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point
is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling
with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the
throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and
yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on
the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you
freakin' kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness-actual smiling, laughing
happiness -is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to
jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap
a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir,
please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take
my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
crap. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best Wishes,
Wendy

 

[wally2450]

Two good Ole boys in Oklahoma were sitting around talking one
afternoon over a cold beer... After a while, the 1st guy says to the
2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love
to your wife while you was off hunt'in, and she got pregnant and had
a baby, would that make us kin?" The 2nd guy crooked his head
sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes
thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I
don't know about kin, but it sure would make us even!"