How to make people laugh

[Ron54]

She deserved it!

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well,
that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
a nd somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It fe lt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She c hose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

 

[wally2450]

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied

"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden."

 

[wally2450]

 

[wally2450]

"My professional and my personal lives have become way too intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew.

"Last night my husband nudged me awake, and began to make love. Without giving it a thought, I said, 'Welcome Aboard'."

 

[smoothdevil]

Two Women in Heaven...............



1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally, I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

[wally2450]

Anti-Theft (sound)

http://f0rked.com/flash/v=big black guy named Ben

 

[wally2450]

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs
of North American Indians. While touring a reservation
during the documentary, she noticed a Head Dress and
was puzzled by the difference in the number of feathers compared to the
other Head Dresses.

She questioned a Brave who had one feather in his Head
Dress. He replied, "Me have only one squaw, me only have
one feather."

Not satisfied with his answer, Barbara asked the same
question of another Brave, who had four feathers in his
Head Dress. He replied "Ugh, me have four feathers
because me sleep with four squaw."

Still not convinced that the number of feathers
indicated the number of squaws involved, Barbara decided
to interview the Chief, who happened to have a Head Dress
full of feathers. Amused, Barbara asked the Chief, "Why
do you have so many feathers in your Head Dress?"

The Chief proudly pounded on his chest and said, "Me
Chief. Me screw 'em all. Big, small, fat, and tall. Me
screw 'em all!"

Horrified, Barbara replied, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief replied, "You damn right, me hung. Big like
buffalo, long like snake."

"You don't have to be so damn hostile!" cried Barbara.

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style.
Any style. Me screw 'em all!"

Tears filled her eyes, "Oh dear!"

Said the Chief, "No deer. Asshole too high and run too
fast. No screw 'em deer!"

 

[wally2450]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

 

[MercyMia]

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

A very self-important college freshman attending arecent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.
We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.

The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding...

I love senior citizens !!!

 

[smoothdevil]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

LMAO ..... lol lol lol

 

[smoothdevil]

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and
how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were
pretty interesting:

25% of women think their ass is too fat...
10% of women think their ass is too skinny...

The other 65% say that they don't care; they love him, he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

 

[smoothdevil]

A Kentucky redneck was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden!

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: Kentucky rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

 

[wally2450]

A Kentucky redneck was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works."

"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"

"Well, what?", says the redneck.

The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The fish," replied the warden!

"What fish?" replied the redneck.

Moral of the story: Kentucky rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but they ain't as dumb as some government employees.

 

[wally2450]

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass hole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

 

[wally2450]

Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally
didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold
or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.
However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a
lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally
lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward,
but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max
was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!

Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?," cried Max!! "What in the world for?"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop
where we sometimes get coffee?"

"Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me
with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think, that an old guy like
me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury.

 

[wally2450]

Womans Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton

 

[wally2450]

The British anthropologist was doing some research in an isolated
African village, and the local tribal leader asked if he would like
to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon. "I think
you'll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we've copied your
country's legal procedures. You see, we have read the accounts of
many English trials in your newspapers." When the scientist arrived
at the crudely constructed courthouse, he was indeed amazed at how
closely the African court officials resembled those of his native
land. Both counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the
traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists, each
arguing his case with eloquence and proper judicial propriety. But he
couldn't help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-
breasted tribal girl who ran through the crowd waving her arms
frantically. After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his
host on what he had seen and then asked, "What was the purpose of
having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"
"We were careful to copy every detail," replied the tribal
chieftain, "and all the accounts we read in your papers about British
trials invariably mention something about 'an excited titter' running
through the gallery."

 

[smoothdevil]

seven types of woman orgasms
=======================

Optimist ---- Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes ..............
Pessimist ---- Oh No, Oh No, Oh No .................
Confused ---- Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No .........
Traveller ---- Oh, I'm Coming, I'm Coming ..........
Religious ---- Oh God, Oh God ..................
Greedy ---- Oh more, Oh more ................
Murderer ---- Oh, if you take it out I'll kill you

 

[wally2450]

Anna was talking to her hair stylist about her daughter. "It's silly,
but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea about losing her hair."
"What do you mean?" "Well, I overheard her telling her best friend
that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

Whether or not a girl in a rented bathing suit attracts a lot of
attention depends primarily on where the rent is.

 

[wally2450]

Californians don't screw in light bulbs; they screw in hot tubs

The divorcee was having a very difficult time getting across what she
wanted from her date. In a final attempt at seduction, she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for my appendicitis?"
"God, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."

 

[wally2450]

A man's walking late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, so he
decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of
a sudden a light flashes on them-- It's a police officer. "What's
going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my
wife," he answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know," says
the cop. "Well, neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

Little Susie ask her mother, "Can I go over to big sister's house and
watch the magic show?" Mother replied, "Whatever do you mean, dear? "
Susie said, "The one she performs. I heard her tell her room-mate she
did six tricks last night."

 

[wally2450]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles
at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate
student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing
situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"

 

[NippleMuncher]

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were
taken.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the
minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[smoothdevil]

Subject: The Biker with many names.

A BIKER WITH MANY NAMES.

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit.
So he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time.

So I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored! doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD."

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

[smoothdevil]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL d



Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.



EMPTYNESTROGEN



Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.



ST. MOMMA'S WORT



Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.



PEPTOBIMBO



Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.





DUMBEROL



When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.



FLIPITOR



Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.



MENICILLIN



Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "



BUYAGRA



Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.



JACKASSPIRIN



Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.


ANTI-TALKSIDENT



A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.



NAGAMENT



When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him