How to not fall head over heels.

[JohnnyA]

Backround.
I'm 24, the last time I had a girlfriend or even had a gal touch my hand was 4 years ago. So, yeah I'm a bit lonely, but not depressed or anything. I'm just starved for love and someone to romance.

I won't delve into the dark corners of my mind , but for a long time I was overweight and unconfident, and shy. Today, I've lost my weight, quit smoking, I like the way I look, and I feel very sure of myself.

So I figure it's only a matter of time before I get up the courage to make the first real step and get a girl's number and get on my first date in 4 years.

Being so lonely, how can I avoid falling totally for the first girl that I do find. I know already that the simple idea of holding her hand and having her smile at me is going to melt on the spot. That's all well and good if I had been dating a lot, but if I fall for the first girl to give me a kiss I might end up with the totally wrong person 6 months down the road.

So, how can I turn off my starved heart when i start dating so I don't jump head first into a pool with no water?

 

[midwestyankee]

It's a pretty tough challenge you present here. And it's very hard to keep yourself from falling for someone if you are genuinely open to them.

My advice is to not worry about it. To give yourself a sporting chance, plan on dating plenty of women. Set a target for yourself, perhaps, to date at least one new woman each month for the next half year.

But don't close yourself off to your dates either. That will only serve to reduce your enjoyment as well as theirs.

Oh, and by the way, plenty of guys out there would trade places with you for the excitement you're going to feel as you get back into the swing of it. Enjoy!

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Hey - don't feel bad. I'm 43, single for 20 years and I've been known to fall in love at the drop of a hat too. Let me know if you find the answer! lol

 

[NaiveOne]

Wow! I wish I had thought to ask this question about 7 months ago. Because seven months ago I fell in love with my first guy, my first real boyfriend, the first guy who found me attractive (I am overweight, although I'm not shy and I am confident) and dated him for six months. I broke up with him a little over a month ago. I wish I would have been a little more careful with my heart.

But I'm not sorry I fell in love, and he fell in love with me. Eventhough I'm still in love with him but know he's the wrong person to be with for the rest of my life, I'm glad I had the experience. Well, sometimes I'm NOT glad I had the experience.

So, assuming you really are sure of yourself and confident, I say go for it. Try not to be afraid, trust yourself to wait for the best because you deserve it. You deserve it!

Besides, for the first couple weeks or so of dating it's mostly attraction and making out. Enjoy it!

Some things you might want to do to prepare yourself: Decide to date a few different girls before you settle on one? I know that sounds a little odd, but it will help you not get sucked into the first girl who lets you touch her breast, ya know?

See, I think I compromised and was settling while I was dating my guy. As wonderful as I think he is, I think I deserve better. And I probably knew that since the begining but chose to ignore the warning lights. Don't compromise no matter how good the relationship feels otherwise. And before anyone tells me that relationships are about compromise, I totally agree. But there are certain things you know you would be lying to yourself about if you gave into. Religion. Family values. Things that you might be happy with for a year or two, but not for the next 55.

It sounds like you know your weakness and are prepared to be cautious. That's fantastic and you already one step ahead. But don't be too cautious, because then you may always be afraid to fall in love. That would be sad.

I know this is a bunch of random bits of advice mixed in with my life, but I hope it gives you some sort of idea of where to go next.

Congratulations on becoming the person you are supposed to be: healthy, happy, and confident!

 

[JohnnyA]

Hey thanks for all the replies. I'll take all the advice to heart and try to go slow.

I don't think I'm the only one that might have this problem or something similar, so I'm glad I started this thread.

 

[Bobmi357]

I would think there really is no way to prevent yourself from falling head over heels in love with someone. Nor do I think you should try.

Perhaps the first girl you start dating isn't going to end up as Mrs. JohnnyA, but you will never know that for sure until you come to know her as well as you can.

The key issue for me and its probably my closest definition for "love" is if she makes you happy to be around when you're not having sex, then its probably the big L. The big problem a lot of guys have is confusing sex for the big L.

The first girl you sleep with may turn out to be Mrs. JohnnyA and you will live happily ever after, or she might not. Sex is important, but its only the icing on the relationship cake. Take the time to really examine your feelings for the girl when you're not having sex. Sex only clouds the mind with confusing hormones.

I made the mistake of marrying the first girl I slept with, it turned into a 12year nightmare.

The problem with all budding relationships is if you want to play the game, then you need to be willing to leave yourself vunerable to the other person. As two people learn to live with each other, friendships grow, confidences are exchanged, nakedness exposes flaws in beauty etc... You open yourself up for the possibility of being hurt. It can't be helped. Its part of the trust building phase of any relationship. But like so many state lottery motto's, you have to play in order to win.

The biggest tripwire for guys is to confuse sex and love. They aren't the same thing. You need to keep that firmly in your mind. You can have a great sex partner, and still not really have found your life-partner.

How you feel about her outside of the bedroom is more important in my opinion. Keep that in mind and you'll probably do ok.

 

[ReadyOne]

A book I found worth reading was Finding the Love of Your Life: Ten Principles for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner.

Basically you figure out what's important to yout -- must have, really want, can't accept.

When you know that you can judge more objectively.

I've had LTR with a person who lacked 1 item on my "must" list, and one who had an item on my "can't" list. Not rejecting them when I found out gave me 2 very rewarding experiences, so don't treat the system as absolute gospel.

Still, it explains why we eventually got into troubles... And I'd have done it the same way if I had a do-over.

 

[fgarvb1]

I was going to post some sage advise, However, My fellow Literoticans have the matter well in hand.

Listen to them and you will do fine.

 

[serebreal]

"So, how can I turn off my starved heart when i start dating so I don't jump head first into a pool with no water?"

Don't worry about it. My ex and I unexpectedly broke off our long-term relationship. At first, feeling lonely/vulnerable, I thought I would fall madly for the first new girl I dated.

However, I needed to have no such worries. Many, if not most girls, will have no problems seriously disappointing you, and you will run the other way as quickly as you can. When you do find the one for you, you'll know.

 

[JohnnyA]

Many, if not most girls, will have no problems seriously disappointing you

Ha ha, that made me smile.

 

[NaiveOne]

Many, if not most girls, will have no problems seriously disappointing you, and you will run the other way as quickly as you can.

Funny, I thought the same things about guys....

Go figure

 

[footlover2k4]

So, how can I turn off my starved heart when i start dating so I don't jump head first into a pool with no water?

I need the same help. I have never once had a girlfriend. I have only kissed a girl a couple of times. I am lead on so much.

 

[NaiveOne]

I need the same help. I have never once had a girlfriend. I have only kissed a girl a couple of times. I am lead on so much.

Are ya looking for the right kind of girls??

 

[footlover2k4]

I'm looking for girls who have similar interests as me, (not necessarily the foot fetish)...Things seem to go good for a few weeks, and they say that they could see us together, and then boom, they say "Nope. I'm not feelin it."

 

[Lust Engine]

Sometimes the old adage of "no guts, no glory" applies here. Taking that scary risk of falling in love can reap some big rewards BUT it can also cause the most pain. But like a lottery, if you don't play it don't pay.

Sometimes you just gotta take the chance and fall head long into it.

 

[Cakegirl]

You could try internet dating and chat to a bunch of different people before you actually start dating in real life.

Cakegirl

 

[Imi]

A good friend of mine from Lit makes a distinction between love and lust, which is a good one. I think we fall in lust a lot. That giddy, walking three feet off the ground feeling when we have someone new in our lives. I think those of us who have been with someone a long time, eventually miss that feeling.

Love is deeper and I think you can check your perspective about how you feel about it. Share-check-share is a great way to insert your intellect into your emotions. Share a little, check the outcome. If it's okay, then share a little more. It's been my observation, love occurs when you no longer worry about what the check part is.

Take this for what it's worth...just the ramblings of someone trying to wake up...

 

[James G 5]

A good friend of mine from Lit makes a distinction between love and lust, which is a good one. I think we fall in lust a lot. That giddy, walking three feet off the ground feeling when we have someone new in our lives. I think those of us who have been with someone a long time, eventually miss that feeling.

Love is deeper and I think you can check your perspective about how you feel about it. Share-check-share is a great way to insert your intellect into your emotions. Share a little, check the outcome. If it's okay, then share a little more. It's been my observation, love occurs when you no longer worry about what the check part is.

Take this for what it's worth...just the ramblings of someone trying to wake up...

I wonder if she's talking about me?

Lust is easy to fall in to, and a lot of what people think of as "love" is a biological process that typically runs about two years
Best thing you can do is take things slow, don't jump right in to sex (it increases the chemical triggers that make you feel "love"), and really get to know the person
REAL love is finding someone you can and will spend the rest of your life with because you both want it and can actually STAND one another
Take things slow, be honest, comunicate a LOT, and don't confuse love, lust, and sex

Also, in your case especially, you're in danger of one of the biggest traps going
A lot of people go in to a relationship looking for the "true love," the "soul mate," someone to "complete" them
BS, none of the above exist
You need to be complete and whole and secure in YOURSELF as a person
Anyone you find should be someone who complements your life (and vice versa), not who COMPLETES it
At your age and with your background, it would be all too easy to find someone and think "Now I am complete" or "I won't find anyone else/better" and jump in to something that you regret a few years down the road

Good luck

 

[crazybbwgirl]

Now THAT, James, is very good advice.

 

[footlover2k4]

You could try internet dating and chat to a bunch of different people before you actually start dating in real life.

Cakegirl

I have done that before...then i meet them, we have a good time the first 'date' and then they never want to get with me again

 

[James G 5]

Now THAT, James, is very good advice.

Careful, start agreeing with me & you might become an undesireable too