How to safely and effectively start an affair?

[TypicalDeviant]

So with all this moralising, and I am not about to take sides, what if this married man was talking about sexual fantasy? Or flirting? A different thing possibly. A bit of fun on the internet.

Would these things be acceptable? Is there a great difference between flirting, fantasy and reality, or would the first two also be completely unacceptable?

Just a thought.

I don't think we're cockblocking or against sex outside of a monogamous relationship. I think most of us see it as potentially dangerous (transmission of STDs) and hurtful (emotional pain caused by infidelity, etc) to the one partner if the other partner has an affair.

There are TONS of threads on "how to have a threesome" in which people offer constructive advice on how to do so. The threads on open marriages are the same. When couples fantasize about a threesome but don't want to include another person, we offer advice on how to simulate it.

People come to "how to" for advice. We give them what we feel to be honest, helpful advice. We don't give them what they want to hear.

So if you think we're proselytizing from our high and mighty computer chairs, you're wrong. We're giving honest advice to people who have asked for it.

If you want someone to lie to you and tell you it's a great idea, go somewhere else.

 

[SweetErika]

All these people, with their fucking judgments, have never been in a relationship for which there is a multitude of reasons not to leave it, but frustrations that come from staying with it. Sometimes, cheating isn't only about hurting someone else, it isn't only about being untrue to a commitment, it's about surviving an excruciating position. So fuck you people with your high and mighty bullshit. This forum isn't a fucking church... or is it ?

How dare you challenge the self-righteous, puritanical members of this panel? The answer is never have the affair, never have the 3-sum, never see an escort. Never, never, never, never, never, never, never. This is the biggest bunch of cock blockers I have ever seen!

You two should totally start an anti-HT, pro-cheating circle jerk. Or at least relocate yourselves to the fantasy realm of the Playground, or the nasty world of the GB. Two peas in a pod, you are.

I don't think we're cockblocking or against sex outside of a monogamous relationship. I think most of us see it as potentially dangerous (transmission of STDs) and hurtful (emotional pain caused by infidelity, etc) to the one partner if the other partner has an affair.

There are TONS of threads on "how to have a threesome" in which people offer constructive advice on how to do so. The threads on open marriages are the same. When couples fantasize about a threesome but don't want to include another person, we offer advice on how to simulate it.

People come to "how to" for advice. We give them what we feel to be honest, helpful advice. We don't give them what they want to hear.

So if you think we're proselytizing from our high and mighty computer chairs, you're wrong. We're giving honest advice to people who have asked for it.

If you want someone to lie to you and tell you it's a great idea, go somewhere else.

Well said, TD! Honest advice is the name of the game whether people like it or not, though I wouldn't expect dishonest yahoos to place any kind of value on that.

 

[whynotjustsayit]

There's a big surprise for everyone- yet ANOTHER thread where the almighty SweetErika comes out to show how much better she is than everyone. Knew she wouldn't miss making an appearance HERE.

 

[SweetErika]

There's a big surprise for everyone- yet ANOTHER thread where the almighty SweetErika comes out to show how much better she is than everyone. Knew she wouldn't miss making an appearance HERE.

Hilarious! Thanks for giving me a good laugh!

 

[Somehowyou]

I don't think we're cockblocking.

"You just cock-blocked McLovin."

Sorry, I thought I would inject a little humor here.

Yes I know there are all those dangers and you have to take precautions and recognize the risks. The problem is when a thread like this surfaces it seems like there are members just waiting to pounce all over these people. I find this ironic and hypocritical on Literotica.com.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

"You just cock-blocked McLovin."

Sorry, I thought I would inject a little humor here.

Yes I know there are all those dangers and you have to take precautions and recognize the risks. The problem is when a thread like this surfaces it seems like there are members just waiting to pounce all over these people. I find this ironic and hypocritical on Literotica.com.

This is the How To board. We pounce over ALL How To threads...


/And really, who could cockblock McLovin'? That guy's a pimp.

 

[Quoll]

I find this ironic and hypocritical on Literotica.com.

I'm not sure I get the relevance of this, can you expand or explain?

 

[wicked woman]

There's a big surprise for everyone- yet ANOTHER thread where the almighty SweetErika comes out to show how much better she is than everyone. Knew she wouldn't miss making an appearance HERE.

Hilarious! Thanks for giving me a good laugh!

But her wisdom and advice IS better than most. As well as she's kind enough to share it. Most of us on the HT forum have seen enough of it to realize that.

Of course you have the right to disagree with us.

 

[infinity706]

Yeah, and Erika is one of lit's homegrown kinksters. If you look back at where she was 10,000+ posts ago, people would realize that once upon a time, she was a lowly newbie herself, once. She worked hard becoming the queen of How To and fighting through her own sexual awakening.

 

[Bandit58]

So with all this moralising, and I am not about to take sides, what if this married man was talking about sexual fantasy? Or flirting? A different thing possibly. A bit of fun on the internet.

Would these things be acceptable? Is there a great difference between flirting, fantasy and reality, or would the first two also be completely unacceptable?

Just a thought.

I define cheating as doing anything behind your partner's back, whether that be a full on affair or flirting online. And yes I have done the online flirting in the past. Because I wasn't getting any affection or good sex at home.

Yes I said GOOD sex. My ex husband was a selfish immature jerk. We had sex, but it was all about HIM. I felt used and unloved. So I went looking for what I wasn't getting at home, but I kept it within the boundary of online and phone only. It was still cheating.

I left my marriage before I indulged in anything sexual in the "real world".

 

[silverwhisper]

you know, i always find it funny when people start in with the "hypocrisy" crap b/c i know they've just declared themselves mental incompetents.

ed

 

[bailadora]

So with all this moralising, and I am not about to take sides, what if this married man was talking about sexual fantasy? Or flirting? A different thing possibly. A bit of fun on the internet.

Would these things be acceptable? Is there a great difference between flirting, fantasy and reality, or would the first two also be completely unacceptable?

Just a thought.

Instead of "moralising", how about being ethical? Contrary to popular belief, it is possible to retain one's ethics and still be open minded about scenarios other than monogamy. With regard to what is defined as "acceptable": it matters not a whit what you, I or anyone else on this board thinks is acceptable. What matters is what he AND his wife deem acceptable.

To the OP:

If you don't care that she'd consider what you are contemplating as cheating, then the marriage is already over, doncha think? If you are willing to risk ending the marriage through getting caught, then what do you have to lose by being honest with her? Chances are she's equally unhappy. Talk to her openly and honestly and then you can mutually decide whether or not to end the marriage, renegotiate the terms or go to counseling.


ETA: Anyone who's been around HT long enough knows that Erika gives excellent advice. Whether or not it validates what the OP wants to hear is another story.

 

[newideas]

Personally I don't understand cheating. All the effort and less reward. Is the marriage dried up because it was allowed to or because it was desired for it to fry to to make an excuse.

I've been accused by my wife never have. She accused me when we werne t spending any us time. Now I send her flowers and whatever just to let her know I though to do it.

Relationships are not so much work when you have technology. If you want to save a relationship all you need tos to feel desired (not just for sex) and be desired (men can get by on sex alone)

Not really but sex is like water and communication and the rest is like food

 

[infinity706]

If you don't care that she'd consider what you are contemplating as cheating, then the marriage is already over, doncha think? If you are willing to risk ending the marriage through getting caught, then what do you have to lose by being honest with her? Chances are she's equally unhappy. Talk to her openly and honestly and then you can mutually decide whether or not to end the marriage, renegotiate the terms or go to counseling.

Well said. That's pretty much what I've told people that were contemplating affairs in the past. Of course, a few of them decided that they were going to have one anyway, so I went ahead and let them have one with me so at least it would be safe.

Personally I don't understand cheating. All the effort and less reward. Is the marriage dried up because it was allowed to or because it was desired for it to fry to to make an excuse.

I've been accused by my wife never have. She accused me when we werne t spending any us time. Now I send her flowers and whatever just to let her know I though to do it.

Relationships are not so much work when you have technology. If you want to save a relationship all you need tos to feel desired (not just for sex) and be desired (men can get by on sex alone)

Not really but sex is like water and communication and the rest is like food

So, when did men get this magical ability to be happy with sex alone? Even as much sex as I have, I still enjoy being desired for nonsexual reasons. I'm just fine with different things coming from different people.

So, what's with this less reward thing with affairs, though? I've never had a quality complaint from anyone I've had a fling with. Of course, to be fair, all of them went into it knowing that I wasn't available to be their new boyfriend (monogamous), so that likely did kill a lot of pressure right there. Amazingly enough, I even have a perfect record for graceful endings to all my affairs. Most of them, I'm even still friends with today. Really, all some of them needed, though, was a taste of what else was out there, since they married way too young and never really got to experiment.

 

[Somehowyou]

you know, i always find it funny when people start in with the "hypocrisy" crap b/c i know they've just declared themselves mental incompetents.

ed

Sorry to disappoint you. I have never been declared mentally incompetent. Quite the contrary, I have never been arrested, I was able to obtain an honorable discharge and given a security clearance. I have a graduate degree and it is not in mental basket weaving or the social sciences. I have been able to do pretty well in the corporate world achieving a fairly lofty position with the same fortune 500 company that hired me over 20 years ago. Along the way I have been able to avoid drug and alcohol addiction but I was recently prescribed Xanax because the stress of my job was causing chest pains Oh, and I was recently granted the privilege to carry a concealed weapon and I am not on a single no-fly list.

I read Literotica because I enjoy the eroticism and because it is a distraction from everyday life. Now, I believe that if you spend as much time on this forum as I do and if you get off on these stories like I do than I believe it is hypocritical to jump all over the OP's of these threads for suggesting that they may cheat or see an escort etc. Anyone familiar with Iamsamtoday's thread about her affair and the responses she received from several members? I mean this is an adult web site and there are several thousand stories on this site about these very topics. Yes, I can separate fantasy from reality but come on. If I have read several hundred stories about these things I have to accept the fact that it can and does happen in real life and the outcome is not always bad....in fact it can be pretty good and satisfying. Like Infinity, I too have been able end affairs without causing any big disruption and along the way I have experienced some mind blowing orgasms.

So in closing, if you are going to get off on the kind of stories that are posted on Literotica and you are going to jump over others that are contemplating living them out you are a hypocrite.

Seize the day. Try the open marriage or start the affair or whatever the fuck this thread was about in the first place.

 

[bailadora]

So in closing, if you are going to get off on the kind of stories that are posted on Literotica and you are going to jump over others that are contemplating living them out you are a hypocrite.

Seize the day. Try the open marriage or whatever the fuck this thread was about.

Odd. I've never seen HT'ers getting riled up about someone wanting to live out a fantasy. IMX, most HT'ers are pretty open to nonmonogamy as long as all parties are in agreement. The hackles only start to rise when someone in a committed relationship wants to do it without their partner's knowledge or consent. An open marriage is NOT the same thing as cheating. The former includes the consent of both parties while the latter is a violation of trust. I honestly don't see how being supportive of the first while being against the second is hypocritical.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Perhaps it hasn't been made clear enough, so I'll do my best.

Fantasies, threesomes, foursomes, orgies, open marriages, polyamory, etc, all imply that all involved parties have consented to the activity.

Affairs/cheating imply that one partner is unaware of, and has not consented to, the activity. Additionally, if the original couple is married, it breaks an explicit promise, made if front of at least one witness, to be faithful to each other.


Don't ever confuse people who are against lies, deceit, and broken promises (in a committed relationship) to be Bible thumping, puritanical moralists.

 

[andy505050]

analogy

Remember the Truman show?

The Truman character was surprised to find there was a whole world outside of the one he was familiar with. He wasn't startled because the other world was bad, immoral, unethical or sinful -- he was startled because the other world existed at all, and because others, whom he'd trusted, had gone out of their way to hide that world from him.

Part of the pain of the affair is that it introduces a number of elements into the unknowing spouse's life (STD's, paternity issues, diminution of affection) without giving them the ability to make up their own minds about how they'd like to deal with those elements.

But the big shocker is that their world, which they thought was real, isn't.

 

[tan43215]

have some class and don't cheat - leave then do what you want.

 

[silverwhisper]

somehowyou quoth:
now, i believe that if you spend as much time on this forum as i do and if you get off on these stories like i do than i believe it is hypocritical to jump all over the OPs of these threads for suggesting that they may cheat or see an escort etc...[snip]...i mean this is an adult web site and there are several thousand stories on this site about these very topics. yes, i can separate fantasy from reality but come on. if i have read several hundred stories about these things i have to accept the fact that it can and does happen in real life and the outcome is not always bad....in fact it can be pretty good and satisfying. like infinity, i too have been able end affairs without causing any big disruption and along the way i have experienced some mind blowing orgasms.

so in closing, if you are going to get off on the kind of stories that are posted on literotica and you are going to jump over others that are contemplating living them out you are a hypocrite.

that was a long-assed as hell way of saying "you guys are all hypocrites! because i say so and refuse to provide an actual rational argument about why! i will continue to repeat my hypothesis as the conclusion while bypassing all that bothersome and unnecessary icky logic crap that's supposed to go in the middle!"

the mistake you're making: sex with multiple people as a sexual fantasy--or even reality--is a lot of fun. hell, my own stories involve a few. but this isn't the same thing as cheating: cheating means a lack of informed consent by a trusted long-term partner. that's why cheating is a betrayal of trust. now, maybe your ethical algebra says you can be a good person and cheat. rock on. but don't make the mistake of thinking just b/c your ethical algebra says so, that doesn't mean that we think you didn't show your work and got the math wrong.

at no point during your entirely circuitous post do you articulate an actual argument. if you've got one, i'd be curious to see it.

btw: one stranger online telling another stranger online that "in real life, i am [x], [y] or [z]!" is pretty meaningless. just FYI.

ed

 

[NippleMuncher]

And you breast feeding the baby... Please don't take yourself so seriously. If you knew what the hell you were talking about someone would be paying you for your advice.

My, someone has some issues, don't they? Last time I looked, this was an open forum where everyone is welcome to post an opinion, even a dumbass like you. You clearly have all the answers so please, enlighten us, Dr. Fucktard.

I'll say it again, we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

[sexy_asia]

dude, ur question is so wrong in so many ways.

Haven't you consider the fact that their are wives here that are so willing to bash you with this. LOL

Maybe your unhappy because you don't do anything to make your marriage exciting, happy

I bet you are blaming your wife of your unhappiness. com'n!

Cheating - the word itself is so wrong and doing the deed is a huge2 mistake, remember, karma is a bitch!

so, goodluck to you!

 

[coastal-boy]

some people simply can't handle honesty in their lives. I feel bad for them.

 

[PhilGarlic]

only read

only read the first post so may be repeating other people.

What a wanker you must be, grow a pair of balls tell your partner how you feel, either work hard and fix your relationship or be man enough to get out.
Look at yourself and ask why your relationship is not working.
The only thing to come out of you having an affair is hurt and pain.
For fucks sake grow up!!!

 

[Yesspleasse]

So with all this moralising, and I am not about to take sides, what if this married man was talking about sexual fantasy? Or flirting? A different thing possibly. A bit of fun on the internet.

Would these things be acceptable? Is there a great difference between flirting, fantasy and reality, or would the first two also be completely unacceptable?

Just a thought.

Haven't read all the responses (yet), but stopped at this one because I thought it was interesting. Basically, I'm quite surprised to hear so much moralizing in so many responses. I can understand them though, in a way.

Personally, I think everybody draws a line in a different place.

Coming here behind one's partner's back (as I do) is arguably 'wrong' in the first place. The remainder (chatting, camming, flirting, masturbation while thinking of others and not one's partner) are surely just degrees rather than absolutes.

Is there really a significant difference between (a) masturbating (or having sex with one's partner) while fantasizing about the woman next door, (b) phone sex with a stranger, or (c) masturbating while watching porn? If so, what is the significant difference?

I haven't been 'actually' unfaithful to my wife because I'm not sure I want to live with that. The only reason I haven't webcammed is lack of opportunity.

That's my decision, in my circumstances. I wouldn't condemn another, necessarily, in different, perhaps complicated circumstances, from doing something else, though I do think it must be quite common for cheating to eventually be found out, so one should always be prepared to accept responsibility for any consequences.