How to safely and effectively start an affair?

[goldenass]

About all the moralising, affairinohio does say he knows it would be cheating. Cheating. Not sure how this is morally neutral. Church aside, cheating is not something we extol on secular terms...I thought. Then again, who knows? Maybe Hollywood, governments and banks have fucked the word into a coma. If so, maybe we just shouldn't use it anymore and take it off life support.

affairinohio, you sound hurt and unhappy. With that on the table, why fix it by doing something like cheating, (or maybe a few of its synonyms: deceiving, falsifying) which you already seem uncomfortable about? Why not do something like develop a fabulous relationship with someone, either by renewing your marriage, or finding or someone else on far more promising, and much less dodgy terms?

 

[Yesspleasse]

About all the moralising, affairinohio does say he knows it would be cheating. Cheating. Not sure how this is morally neutral. Church aside, cheating is not something we extol on secular terms...I thought. Then again, who knows? Maybe Hollywood, governments and banks have fucked the word into a coma. If so, maybe we just shouldn't use it anymore and take it off life support.

affairinohio, you sound hurt and unhappy. With that on the table, why fix it by doing something like cheating, (or maybe a few of its synonyms: deceiving, falsifying) which you already seem uncomfortable about? Why not do something like develop a fabulous relationship with someone, either by renewing your marriage, or finding or someone else on far more promising, and much less dodgy terms?

Cheating. Sure. And I don't think I really disagree with you, and actually would probably make the same suggestion to the OP about considering other options, though of course I don't know what he has already tried.

However, I don't think there are absolute morals.

I ask again, is it cheating to think about the woman next door while having sex with your partner, or cheating to masturbate (alone) to images of a stranger?

 

[goldenass]

Cheating. Sure. And I don't think I really disagree with you, and actually would probably make the same suggestion to the OP about considering other options, though of course I don't know what he has already tried.

However, I don't think there are absolute morals.

I ask again, is it cheating to think about the woman next door while having sex with your partner, or cheating to masturbate (alone) to images of a stranger?

Fair enough. I can't advocate for absolute morals really.

But how about this, just to explore: If you, just on your own, describe something you are doing as cheating like the OP did, select that concept yourself, I (with some justification) wonder if you are comfortable with what you are doing or are about to do. Even without absolutes, I think it is fair to say the word does carry a meaning more negative than positive. Using it seems to signal discomfort, the feeling that something may be unacceptable.

Paying attention to discomfort may be helpful...help steer your life a lot better than hormones - but does not necessarily dictate a particular answer. You may just have to do the work to find out what will make you comfortable again. That could be finding a way to give yourself permission, for example, to have sex or masturbate allowing for unlimited fantasy....you know, free yourself from a self-depreciating or censoring mindset while doing it (unless that is your kink), and perhaps at the same time refuse to accept negative pressure about it from anyone else. It is difficult to see why you would continue to use 'cheating' then to describe what you are doing. You just probably wouldn't.

On the other hand, if you are getting into a position where you are going to cause yourself and likely a few other people a huge, ongoing amount of loss and pain, maybe you should feel uncomfortable and explore the situation with the word. Might be useful. Maybe words like cheating and feelings like discomfort are nicely designed to keep us individually and socially healthy.

Of course, I accept what I am saying could also be completely screwed up bullshit, and hormones just rule with or without the intellectual veneer. But in that case, why ask?

 

[Yesspleasse]

But how about this, just to explore: If you, just on your own, describe something you are doing as cheating like the OP did, select that concept yourself, I (with some justification) wonder if you are comfortable with what you are doing or are about to do. Even without absolutes, I think it is fair to say the word does carry a meaning more negative than positive. Using it seems to signal discomfort, the feeling that something may be unacceptable.

I agree. There are scenarios one could describe where 'cheating' (whatever end of the spectrum we are talking about) may (and I emphasize may) be pretty much a morally grey area. In the absence of absolute morals, what are we left with? Maybe consequences? (Do unto others...etc.)

Sometimes, for example, it may even assist a marriage which is good apart from sex, or it may in some cases lead to better sex with a partner, or may even - albeit for secret reasons - improve a relationship, and a family life, including the lives of any children. Of course, there are risks in terms of consequences.

My gut reaction, in this instance, from what little I know specifically about the OP, would be similar to yours.

Of course, I accept what I am saying could also be completely screwed up bullshit, and hormones just rule with or without the intellectual veneer. But in that case, why ask?

I think morality must be a combination of evolution and conditioning. I don't think any moral code exists independently of us. After all, the rest of the animal kingdom gets along quite naturally without it, and various checks and balances dictate the outcomes of behavior. I don't think we're essentially different, we just seem to have a bigger cortex.

To wit:

http://biologyweb.greenlakeschools.com/images/Cartoons/Eat,%20survive,%20reproduce.jpg

 

[iamsamtoday]

Some how I just couldn't sit back and not give my two cents.....affairinohio, if you want to have an affair. have an affair. Just be ready to deal with what comes along with it. I've had several affairs successfully in the past 15 years. And I'm still married and no one has found about my activities. So it is possible. However, be ready to deal with the consequences if you fuck up. You need to be very organized and discreet and select the proper partner that is not looking to get hitched. No strings attached motto. But be ready to deal with the emotional shit that comes along with having an affair, secrecy, manipulation, lying, disease, scheduling, guilt, and so on and so on. You have to be emotional strong to deal with all of this stuff and feel like you deserve to have the best sex ever. Because the reward is GREAT SEX. So, do it if you think you can manage.

I can have my cake and eat it too....you may call me scum, but it's my life not yours. This is for you somehowyou, thanks for the support. I'm chuckling to my next orgasm.

 

[MrRetro]

Some how I just couldn't sit back and not give my two cents.....affairinohio, if you want to have an affair. have an affair. Just be ready to deal with what comes along with it. I've had several affairs successfully in the past 15 years. And I'm still married and no one has found about my activities. So it is possible. However, be ready to deal with the consequences if you fuck up. You need to be very organized and discreet and select the proper partner that is not looking to get hitched. No strings attached motto. But be ready to deal with the emotional shit that comes along with having an affair, secrecy, manipulation, lying, disease, scheduling, guilt, and so on and so on. You have to be emotional strong to deal with all of this stuff and feel like you deserve to have the best sex ever. Because the reward is GREAT SEX. So, do it if you think you can manage.

I can have my cake and eat it too....you may call me scum, but it's my life not yours. This is for you somehowyou, thanks for the support. I'm chuckling to my next orgasm.

Well said Sam...

I think society in general has learned to view a woman having an affair as bad and this has been a cultural perspective for most of the world... What society doesn't stop and take note at though, is the good things in the woman's life... I bet that whilst you've had affairs, your long term partner in your life has been your best friend... You would have supported him through anything and you would have no doubt provided a safe, comfortable and happy household or the family... This is marriage and thus what should be termed a partnership, or friendship... This does not mean that you are going to have your sexual needs met throughout your life... and this is a very different part of your life... sometimes they need to be separated...

I think I admire you in a philosophical way... For being how a woman should be and not trying to be as society perceives...

 

[puffmama]

I can have my cake and eat it too....you may call me scum, but it's my life not yours. This is for you somehowyou, thanks for the support. I'm chuckling to my next orgasm.

I agree wholeheartedly. Think what you want of me but we're all entitled to do what pleases us so long as we're careful and discreet. I think we can all just agree to disagree.

 

[TactileBliss]

To me divorce is far more painful and cruel than a discrete careful affair. In fact I am certain my affair saved my marriage. My children are not from a broken home. After 9 years with a wife I loved but had no interest in pleasing me sexually I was going nutts. I tried everything to spice things up. She was like a brick in bed. She did it how and when she wanted it period. I voiced my concerns. I nagged. I demanded. I begged. I bribed. I threatened. Finally I went and got it. I found a married woman who was in the same boat as I was. She was not nearly as attractive as my wife but she was eager and intelligent. We really hit it off in bed. It was great to remember that at one time I considered myself a talented lover. I was still talented! For the last few years I was being convinced that I was usless in bed. Well it lasted for a few months. I stopped asking my wife. I stopped caring about weather or not she needed it. I was very happy. I think she realised what was happening. She actually started to make an effort. That was all that I needed. I let the affair go. I am now pretty satisfied. It was risky. It was a against my grain to lie to my wife. It truly was my last resort. It worked. BTW it took me a year to select the right one. She had to be married with as much to lose as I. She had to love her family and not be looking for a way out. I was extremely careful but there were still close calls. You could do it all right and still get caught.