How to say it.

[begoodfordaddy]

"I suppose I could have explained a bit further to them on why I was asking, but I didn't want to push the issue... Especially with ones that see him as the "wonderful guy". "

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here but I feel I must. You need to be honest and up front with your family. They need to know the real situation and I'm sure they would much rather have you and your children living safely with them rather than in a shelter. Not to say a shelter isn't a viable option. It sounds like you've convinced your family that everything is just fine when quite clearly, it's not. They need to realize how bad things really are. Tell them the truth. They should be your lifeline in a situation like this.

 

[AGirlCalledKill]

Well, I have money coming to me soon. I have been in contact with an abuse adviser, and she's ready to help me get assistance- but I have to be out of the house first.

The biggest thing I'm having trouble with is how to say anything to him. Right now, he's a hawk over anything I do- I have to account for when I'm late getting home, who I talk to, what I'm doing on my phone (I play that Draw game). He still seems to believe that everything is fine... or at least, thinks if he acts like it is, then it must be.

I just want to tell him to stop. That things aren't as wonderful as he plays it off to be. He's done so much that's hurt, that even with his promises to change and small efforts to do so, I just can't do it. I just want to stop. I'm scared to death on the whole thing, but I just don't want to do it anymore.... Yes, we get along well at times, but I dread him touching me.... That is not right in a marriage. We haven't had sex in over a year. Last time, I cried.

We don't talk. He says everything in txts. So should I tell him that way? Give the same concern on talking that he does? Just a blunt email or a trail of 600 txts like he does to me? Because of the kids, I feel I have to say something... tell him somehow.... but I don't know how...

 

[Noor]

Well, I have money coming to me soon. I have been in contact with an abuse adviser, and she's ready to help me get assistance- but I have to be out of the house first.

The biggest thing I'm having trouble with is how to say anything to him. Right now, he's a hawk over anything I do- I have to account for when I'm late getting home, who I talk to, what I'm doing on my phone (I play that Draw game). He still seems to believe that everything is fine... or at least, thinks if he acts like it is, then it must be.

I just want to tell him to stop. That things aren't as wonderful as he plays it off to be. He's done so much that's hurt, that even with his promises to change and small efforts to do so, I just can't do it. I just want to stop. I'm scared to death on the whole thing, but I just don't want to do it anymore.... Yes, we get along well at times, but I dread him touching me.... That is not right in a marriage. We haven't had sex in over a year. Last time, I cried.

We don't talk. He says everything in txts. So should I tell him that way? Give the same concern on talking that he does? Just a blunt email or a trail of 600 txts like he does to me? Because of the kids, I feel I have to say something... tell him somehow.... but I don't know how...

Sweetie, don't tell him anything. Just get yourself together, find a place he doesn't know about and get out of there. Go to a shelter. Even if you don't care, think about your kids. Every time a young child's body is found in a field or shallow grave I wonder, is it one of J's kids?

This is very serious, think about what happens if you are the only one who "disappears" and your children are stuck alone with this man?

You can let your lawyer tell him whatever, after you and your children are away and safe.

 

[Noor]

"I suppose I could have explained a bit further to them on why I was asking, but I didn't want to push the issue... Especially with ones that see him as the "wonderful guy". "

I hope you don't mind me jumping in here but I feel I must. You need to be honest and up front with your family. They need to know the real situation and I'm sure they would much rather have you and your children living safely with them rather than in a shelter. Not to say a shelter isn't a viable option. It sounds like you've convinced your family that everything is just fine when quite clearly, it's not. They need to realize how bad things really are. Tell them the truth. They should be your lifeline in a situation like this.

Going to her family in this situation, unless they are armed and dangerous, is not safer and can put her family in danger as well. Just saying...

I think she needs to level with them so they can take precautions when she leaves, if she is able to.

 

[SweetErika]

Good for you, honey!

I'm totally with Noor- get yourself and your kids to a safe place he doesn't know about first, and then worry about telling him you've left.

If you need to, work with your abuse support people to get the police to help you and your kids move out safely.

We just had a case here where the dad barricaded himself in the house with his two young boys and set the house on fire. A CPS worker had just been there and called for the police because she felt something was up, but the 911 operator said they couldn't send anyone without more evidence. What a clusterfuck that needlessly ended the lives of two little kids!

Anyway, if you feel like you should tell him, do so, but do NOT put yourself, your kids or your plan at risk by telling him before you all are out of there and safe. Follow the advice of the professionals in terms of escaping safely, communicating after the fact and petitioning the court for restraining orders, supervised visitation, etc.

 

[kellyz_craic]

Nobody knows what a man is capable of until he does it.

Don't let you or your kids find out the hard way.