How To Stop Being Stubborn?

[Meat Whistler]

Hi, my name is Italian Goddess and I am stubborn.

I have almost ruined one of my most intense emotional connections because I'm stubborn. I inherited this from my father and have realized that it is ruining who I am because it causes me to be argumentative and I don't like to fight.

 

[Weird Harold]

Hi, my name is Italian Goddess and I am stubborn.

I have almost ruined one of my most intense emotional connections because I'm stubborn. I inherited this from my father and have realized that it is ruining who I am because it causes me to be argumentative and I don't like to fight.

I don't know that I'd even try to change stubbornness.

I would try to modify it a bit by thinking about when being stuborn is an appropriate response or more trouble than it's worth.

Of course, it took me a good many years to learn when being stubborn is more toruble than it's worth, and I still get it wrong sometimes.

 

[SweetErika]

I think this, like most other traits/habits, can only be changed through cognitive recognition and processing. Basically, you have to challenge and change the way your brain processes things and your thought patterns. First, I'd ask myself why I'm stubborn and what am I getting out of being this way (e.g. the need for validation or to feel right all of the time). What's really driving my thoughts and behavior? Then, I'd start writing down some of my stubborn thoughts/behaviors and challenging them by asking why I'm thinking this way, what's the worst that can happen if I change my views, and what thought can I use instead in the future?

Obviously that's just an example, and a good therapist can guide you through the process. I've been through this with a therapist on another issue, so I've had lots of practice and can almost do it in my sleep. I also write lots of affirmations as reminders of who I am and want to become.

Good for you for recognizing the need and desire to change! My hubby's grandfather is the most stubborn guy in the world (he doesn't stop at stop signs he feels are pointless, even if it's a busy intersection), and he's also a very lonely man because he's driven his family away. Good luck with your journey!

EDIT: It's actually also called Cognitive Behavior Therapy, and there are tons of resources online if you do a search.

 

[dollface007]

When it starts to hurt your relationships with the people you love, it's time too see a therapist. SweetErika had some really good suggestions.

You have to ask yourself, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? It really is a choice.

 

[tendril]

You have to ask yourself, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? It really is a choice.

OMG...that is what I drummed into myself over 10 years ago and when I finally got it I was a much happier person.

When a situation looked like it was heading towards being confrontational I trained myself to question my motives -
Was this issue really that important?

Was being right more important than peace in my life ?

Finally,was the person I was in conflict with actually ever going
to understand or appreciate my point of view?

Suprising, I found myself changing very quickly, and I'm glad I did.

 

[BTK51]

A very good book by Dale Carnegie is How to Win Friends and Influence People. It talks about understanding the other person and how to go about making your point in a non-confrontational way.

 

[subndom]

Was being right more important than peace in my life ?

agree with tendril for most part except i am not sure we behave that way only when we think we are right. lots of time i think we know we are wrong but we still want to stick to what we are saying or doing or whatever our opinion is. its almost like the person feels a sense of defeat and anger....the ego takes a beating. i guess at that point like tendril so rightly said we got to think is it all more important than peace in your life

 

[SweetErika]

Was being right more important than peace in my life ?

agree with tendril for most part except i am not sure we behave that way only when we think we are right. lots of time i think we know we are wrong but we still want to stick to what we are saying or doing or whatever our opinion is. its almost like the person feels a sense of defeat and anger....the ego takes a beating. i guess at that point like tendril so rightly said we got to think is it all more important than peace in your life

Sorry, but this post just made me think of something about relationships. According to the experts (namely Dr. John Gottman), part of fighting fair is to always give the other person an "out" and opportunity to save face several times during the conflict. I think that's a hard concept for a lot of us who grew up in individualistic societies to grasp, but it makes such a huge difference. Anyway, Gottman's site has good tips on all sorts of personal and relationship things...http://www.gottman.com/
A good reminder for all of us! Again, I apologize for getting a little off track!

 

[Ms_Lilith]

I'm stubborn.. I also get it from my dad...

but I embrace my stubbornness... *shrug* Just the way it is, just the way I am...

*shrug*

 

[Meat Whistler]

Re: Re: How To Stop Being Stubborn?

Lilith, I suppose we all have our own faults and some are worse than others. This happens to be a very poor characteristic that I have that I want to work on. It's a great challenge for me that I am willing to take on.

 

[Weird Harold]

Re: Re: Re: How To Stop Being Stubborn?

I suppose we all have our own faults and some are worse than others. This happens to be a very poor characteristic that I have that I want to work on. It's a great challenge for me that I am willing to take on.

Turn your fault into an assest -- be stubborn about your effort to not be stubborn and you can't help but succeed.

(That's facetiously phrased, but it's not as oxymoronic as it sounds.)

 

[tisluvbull]

I'm Italian. I'm stubborn.

I think the key here is when to be stubborn. I doubt you will read books, watch some TV special, or just happen upon " 10 steps that correct your stubborness. You were born with it. Now, if this type of behavior is affecting your personal life in terms of relationships and friendships, then it is probably a good time to take a look at how your stubborness has crossed the line. It's fine to be stubborn when you are sticking with some ideal, something difficult, or something you believe in strongly despite what others might think. People will always respect the person who stands strong in the face of opposition. The problem comes when you are unopen to reason and nearly impossible to handle even in simple situations or arguments. The difference is huge. Perseverance or being stubborn. Who makes the call? Not you. The people who are around you will decide. Someone who is very emotional is unlikely to last but a few minutes with or around you. Eventually you will overcome them, sending them off running in the other direction. But I would bet that people who have known you for a long time understand and often respect your strong views and stands on certain issues. Instead of trying to change your core personality, perhaps you should instead attempt to work with and explain to those around you why this is who you are. In the end people will undoubtably see that you are just a very strong person, one who has her answer or belief and is willing to take an equally strong stance. Perhaps on less serious issues and silly arguments you could work on realizing how such a stance could make people wonder..." damn, Italian Goddess ALWAYS has to be right..... she is always arguing. " Instead, give in a few times around friends. Laugh off some less serious shit..

In the end, the best practice or perhaps cure is finding that person who is nearly your equal in stubborness. You are drawn to this person due to many other qualities, so it is in your best interest to work and find a common ground.... or common stubborness if you will. Once you conquer this area it will all fall into place.

 

[Meat Whistler]

 

[Lordmikel]

I've got a question, are you stubborn or are you arguementative? Cause there is a difference.

I was writing this last night when my computer froze, which is why the response today.

How are you defining being stubborn? What are you doing? What is it that is driving people away?

So are you being stubborn, which means you make your opinion before knowing all of the facts and then stop listening to people? In which case here is my advice. Shut up and listen. Eliminate all preconceived notions, and wait at least three minutes before you make any kind of decision after you've heard all of the facts.

Also ask yourself the question, why do you care enough to be stubborn? When you find yourself going into being stubborn mode, what is it about this particular thing that makes you want to be stubborn about it? There's a lot of things to not worry about, that if you are, you're gonig to drive yourself crazy. Choose your battles.

Now if you like to be argumentative. That's a little bit harder. As I always say, it takes two to argue. I also never start an argument but I end a lot. So who is starting the argument? What kinds of things are you arguing about? Do you get abusive when you argue? If you do get abusive, then seek counseling.

But here is a trick that my wife and I do. Whenever we get into an argument that cannot be resolved, we simply agree that it is the other person's fault, and we leave it at that. End of argument.

That's always the best way to end an argument. Agree to disagree and walk away. If they don't agree to that, then it is no longer your problem, it is theirs. So don't feel bad about making them the nail to your hammer when you win the argument.

But always give them the out, more then once even.

I can relate btw, my mother and sister have always felt the need to be right, so I mastered the art of arguing. Best thing I did was learning to find my inner peace.

 

[Meat Whistler]