How to turn things in the right direction... (Rant)

[lilpriss]

Ok, why is it when you think you've found someone who's perfect for you they end up acting like complete jackasses???

I started dating this guy about 5 months ago... great guy, honest, down to earth, nice looking, family oriented, unmarried, good with his hands, excellent kisser...

Things go along fine for awhile then he starts the "I don't want a relationship" bit.

It's now become a situation where he's got all the perks of having a gf (someone to talk to about the day, someone to share things with, someone to have sex with, spend time with - without the formalities of setting up dates... etc) but without the commitment.

And when he feels like it, he just dissappears from the radar... doesn't include me in things that would make sense to include someone your seeing in... never plans things, just figures I won't have anything else going.

I'm hurt and irritated and cranky.

How do I get the upper hand in this? I think it may be safe to say I should have other plans, and pretty much quit seeing the bastard.

I wouldn't even call him a fuck buddy becasue there's not enough sex involved to safely say that we are fuck buddies, shit if I wanted a fuck buddy I'd be having more and raunchier sex than what we have.

I just don't get men, I haven't changed at all. I'm still me the same me I have been since I met the guy. But he's morphed into the creature from hell.

Would a guy please tell me what the deal is with this?

 

[RomanHans]

A few random comments...

Ok, why is it when you think you've found someone who's perfect for you they end up acting like complete jackasses???

I started dating this guy about 5 months ago... great guy, honest, down to earth, nice looking, family oriented, unmarried, good with his hands, excellent kisser...

Well, clearly it takes a bit more to find out if someone is 'perfect for you.' I probably fit all the criteria you name (except the unmarried part) and I know I can be a complete asshole sometimes. It's doubtful his personality changed in five months--maybe you just didn't notice his flaws, or know his personality well enough to see what was coming.

Things go along fine for awhile then he starts the "I don't want a relationship" bit.

It's now become a situation where he's got all the perks of having a gf (someone to talk to about the day, someone to share things with, someone to have sex with, spend time with - without the formalities of setting up dates... etc) but without the commitment.

And when he feels like it, he just dissappears from the radar... doesn't include me in things that would make sense to include someone your seeing in... never plans things, just figures I won't have anything else going.

As a guy, I'm ashamed to say it, but some guys act this way because they think that they can get away with it. If he was able to find a woman who accepted this situation, he'd probably think that she was the ideal girlfriend. She would also be spineless, so good for you for not rolling over and accepting what he's offering.

I'm hurt and irritated and cranky.

How do I get the upper hand in this? I think it may be safe to say I should have other plans, and pretty much quit seeing the bastard.

I wouldn't even call him a fuck buddy becasue there's not enough sex involved to safely say that we are fuck buddies, shit if I wanted a fuck buddy I'd be having more and raunchier sex than what we have.

I just don't get men, I haven't changed at all. I'm still me the same me I have been since I met the guy. But he's morphed into the creature from hell.

Would a guy please tell me what the deal is with this?

So, I guess the answer is, he hasn't changed at all either. He either just talks a good game and puts up a very convincing facade over his demonic soul, or he had enough appealing features that you subconsciously suppressed any concerns about his true personality. Either way, it's not your fault, you're better off without him, you'll never figure out what his malfunction is, so don't sweat it. Why would you expect to be able to explain a guy's behaviour in rational terms, anyhow?

Good luck,

Roman

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[lilpriss]

That is pretty funny and made me smile thank you Roman hans.

 

[biggieds]

Im not homosexual, but one of my best friends does the same thing. Truth is though, my friend has the biggest stick in his ass in the world. But, the only way I have ever found effective to deal with someone who just acts like an ass...is to not talk to them, just blow them off. It may sound totally vindictive, but, the way the game works is he'll probably come crawling back to you saying whats wrong, then you can say whatevers on your mind, and hell probably stop doing it for a while. Now my friend pulls this asshole bullcrap once every week. But in a sexual relashionship, if this happens again, I would recommend kicking him, because you spend more time feeling like crap, then feeling happy, I know the feeling.

Dave

 

[Amfig]

Ok, why is it when you think you've found someone who's perfect for you they end up acting like complete jackasses???

<Snip>

And when he feels like it, he just dissappears from the radar... doesn't include me in things that would make sense to include someone your seeing in... never plans things, just figures I won't have anything else going.

I'm hurt and irritated and cranky.

How do I get the upper hand in this? I think it may be safe to say I should have other plans, and pretty much quit seeing the bastard.

<Snip>

Would a guy please tell me what the deal is with this?

Three possibilities come to mind. (1) In addition to you, he's also seeing another woman, wants to keep both options on the string. (2) Don't know what your'e talking about when you say "things that would make sense...." Could be a good thing. Guy knows how to have a life of his own without being too "clingy." If so, he won't be too upset if you have other plans at times. (3) "Don't really want a relationship" could be for real. I was there at least once in life. Anytime things got too close, I ran. There was a book about it. "The Dance Away Lover" as I recall.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: How to turn things in the right direction... (Rant)

Three possibilities come to mind. (1) In addition to you, he's also seeing another woman, wants to keep both options on the string. (2) Don't know what your'e talking about when you say "things that would make sense...." Could be a good thing. Guy knows how to have a life of his own without being too "clingy." If so, he won't be too upset if you have other plans at times. (3) "Don't really want a relationship" could be for real. I was there at least once in life. Anytime things got too close, I ran. There was a book about it. "The Dance Away Lover" as I recall.

I agree from experience on the probably seeing someone else idea . His behavior is reminiscent of a couple of guys that did this to me. And I was right ... they were seeing others . And I would kick him to the curb in a heartbeat. It only takes a second to call and say hi , or I have other plans and can't come by. Also when a man has a willing , beautiful woman willing to make love and be there for him and he's not biting , something's wrong . He's either lost interest , or he's seeing someone else. I sound peeved lol , but been there done that . It's not worth it to wait and wonder . And feel bad and let it fester and bother you . Let it go and have a good time with your life. There's someone better out there.JMO
Also .... women's intuition is a good thing , go with your gut feeling.

 

[PinkOrchid]

 

[lilpriss]

Thanks for all your opinions, I sat down and wrote out excatly what's on my mind and am keeping the note put away for a couple of days.

After reading through it, I'm even wondering if it's worth the hassle.

BTW the things that would make sense to include a girl you're seeing are things that most people include their mates in, like, shit I don't know, family gatherings, where other friends are invited... things like that. Granted, he knows I wouldn't go to a lot of the things anyway, because I work all the fucking time, but it would be nice to be included.

 

[RoughPlay]

> How do I get the upper hand in this? I think it may be safe to say
> I should have other plans, and pretty much quit seeing the bastard.

I think you should aim to get the equal hand not the upper hand. You
are meant to be having a good time together not a power struggle.
If you quit seeing the bastard you're likely the have the same problem
in future with another man.


> I just don't get men, I haven't changed at all. I'm still me the
> same me I have been since I met the guy. But he's morphed into
> the creature from hell.
>
> Would a guy please tell me what the deal is with this?

I think men tend to make a big effort to win over a girlfriend but
once things are established they revert to their normal effort level
which is not very high. He's already achieved his objective of getting
a girlfriend so why burn himself out when he's already got there.

I think women often want to be joined at the hip with their new
boyfriends and do everything together as a couple. To many men this
soon becomes oppressive, smothering, crushing. They want to spend
some of their time with their girlfriend's but they want a reasonable
amount of time to themselves too.

As regards what might help. Talk to him directly. Never play power
games with him. He will only respond with his own. Never criticise
or get angry or emotional with him. Tell him directly what you want
in a calm and relaxed manner. Make it clear that if you don't get these
things you will end the relationship. Point out what you think you are
giving to him. Give him several chances but if he continues to fail to
deliver then end the relationship.

Don't give him indirect hints of your dissatisfaction. He won't have a
clue what you're really trying to say. Be willing to negotiate and to
compromise.

 

[lilpriss]

Roughplay I only see the guy once a week... sometimes twice... I have been VERY VERY laid back with him. Like I said I wrote down exactly what's wrong in a note, however, I haven't heard from him in three days so I'm wondering if he's just been being an asshole hoping I'll lose interest.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: How to turn things in the right direction... (Rant)

>
As regards what might help. Talk to him directly. Never play power
games with him. He will only respond with his own. Never criticise
or get angry or emotional with him. Tell him directly what you want
in a calm and relaxed manner. Make it clear that if you don't get these
things you will end the relationship. Point out what you think you are
giving to him. Give him several chances but if he continues to fail to
deliver then end the relationship.

Don't give him indirect hints of your dissatisfaction. He won't have a
clue what you're really trying to say. Be willing to negotiate and to
compromise.

WTF... so ummm show no emotion that the way the asshole is treating her and and give him several chances??? In other words baby him and let him think you're just chastising him . I could see a few times at best , but if it's just simple things and a little bit of time she is wanting and he isn't even including her in trivial things or calling her , I would tell him "see ya". Friends don't even do that crap.

 

[RoughPlay]

Hello lilpriss

Have you given him the note. Your posts imply you have not but I'm not
sure.

If you have been VERY VERY laid back with him why are you concerned about
not hearing from him for three days surely if you're VERY VERY laid back
its not a problem.

Have you told him what you want ?
If you have not told him how would he know ?

During the last few weeks have you always been warm, pleasant and
affectionate towards him or has your hurt, irritation and crankiness come
through in your attitude towards him ?

Incidentally I'm not trying to get at you I'm just trying to understand your
situation better.

 

[RoughPlay]

Re: Re: Re: How to turn things in the right direction... (Rant)

WTF... so ummm show no emotion that the way the asshole is treating her and and give him several chances??? In other words baby him and let him think you're just chastising him . I could see a few times at best , but if it's just simple things and a little bit of time she is wanting and he isn't even including her in trivial things or calling her , I would tell him "see ya". Friends don't even do that crap.

Making it clear that if you don't get what you want you will end the
relationship and then if necessary ending it, is not mere chastisement. Why are you saying it is ?

Expecting him to spend time with her is reasonable but if its not
happening enough its up to her to say she wants more and how much
otherwise how would he know.

As for calling her, in your experience are most men keen on calling
women just to hear their voice and to see how they are ?

 

[lilpriss]

Ok, like guys, girls also get used to the usual, and it is usual for him to call everyday and to get together on one of our off days. Has that happened this week, no.

As far as telling him what I want, does, "I'd be perfectly satisfied only dating you," fit that bill? We had a long discussion about all kinds of things. (and yes I was "calm and relaxed") I feel like I have told him what I want. Very clearly.

During the last few weeks I have been my usual self. I may have been a little bit more subdued, but not hostile or "cranky" at all.

And no I haven't given him the note, he'll get it in the morning, along with something of his that I have.

The last 3 days have shown me that I have more time without him, to deal with other things, get things done. Yes, I"ll miss hanging out with him, but he's not so deeply insinuated that I will mourn the loss.

 

[phan1]

He just wanted to get to bed with you. Drop him.

 

[Aadaria]

Re: Re: Re: Re: How to turn things in the right direction... (Rant)

As for calling her, in your experience are most men keen on calling
women just to hear their voice and to see how they are ?

Maybe I'm just pampered, but my SO has done that at least twice a week since we started having a more serious relationship. If he doesn't then I know that something's definately wrong with him physically, but then.. one of his relatives usually phones me to keep me in the know.

Lilpriss -
I think you're doing the right thing...

 

[Nicole]

In my opinion you answered your own question ....

I think it may be safe to say I should have other plans, and pretty much quit seeing the bastard.

Except change that to "I think it may be safe to say I should have other plans, and quit seeing the bastard."

Your being used, the answer is to walk away, because if he was all that caring and "nice" a guy that you say he is, he wouldn't use you the way he is.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but while you let him treat you the way he is, he's going to do it.

Good luck, and let us know how you go.

 

[RoughPlay]

Hi lilpriss

When did he stop calling you everyday, was it after your long discussion?

When you had your long discussion what was his immediate reaction ?

When he gets the note I would be interested in knowing what his reaction
is.

In your posts you come across as thoughtful and measured. If that's not
enough to resolve things with your boyfriend then I don't think there's
anything else you could have done.

 

[Zilla]

The only thing I have to say is go with your gut feeling. That can be hard sometimes, when what your gut and your head are saying conflict. I go through that all the time. When I met my ex husband my gut was saying "NO! NO! RUN AWAY!" but my mind was saying "But he's so sexy and I'm so lonely!"

Anyway, I learned a lesson the hard way. I would say drop this guy he doesn't seem to have any desire to advance this relationship.

 

[lilpriss]

Rough Play

He has a wave like pattern, with the calling, he called everyday for about 6 weeks then nothing for a week, then things got a lot more intense and we talked pretty much everyday for a few weeks and then he was gone. We had that long talk about six weeks ago... and he was, for about three weeks, occupying all of my spare time, on the phone each night and together on both nights off. The last couple of times we've gotten together he was pretty much the same, except for a couple of things that have happened that hurt my feelings. Which I'm wondering, now, if they were done on purpose.

His immediate reaction was not a negative one, nor was it positive. It was like he didn't really know what to say at all, so he gave me the "I don't want a GF" routine and started talking about how he's not had the chance to really "be single". And how it's fun to meet new people. blablabla... At this point I told him I dont' want to be a diversion until something better comes along. Anyway, I don't want to rehash the whole thing...

I just came from his house. Gave him the note, also gave him the option of reading it or throwing it out, I told him that his absence this week was (IMO) thougthless considering we had tentative plans. Whether he reads it or not I suppose will remain a mystery, because he just put it on the table and we had a pretty strained conversation. I also told him that I'm at a loss as to where things go from this point.

Rough play you called him my "boyfriend" and that's the problem, he isn't my boyfriend, he has the benefits of having a girlfriend w/o the commitment.

 

[RoughPlay]

Hello lilpriss

Thank you for your answers. I wish I could say something positive in
return but I don't think I can.

I presume you asked him why he stopped contacting you every now
and again. What did he say ?

Has he come out of a long term relationship fairly recently ?

I think you've done the right thing confronting him. He may well be
using you as a diversion until something better comes along which is
a totally unfair thing to do to somebody. Alternatively he might have
been hurt badly in the past and is wary of it happening again.

But whatever the reason he clearly is not your boyfriend and probably
never will be. If he does contact you again its probably worth listening
to what he has to say but in the mean time he's not worth a further thought
and he certainly isn't worth any benefits.

I can see you're hurt and upset by all this and you deserve better. I hope
you have better luck with the next man you date.

 

[lilpriss]

RP,

When I asked what happened this week, he shrugged, with arms crossed across his chest. NO answer... Which BTW is one of my pet peeves. If I ask a question I want a damn answer.

He HAS"recently come out of a long term relationship... if a year is recent. However it wasn't marriage... And... for the record, I also ended a LTR within the last year.

Anyway as I was writing my last post I got an IM from him, not a whole lot was said, except he had read the note, and that we could talk later, b/c he knew I needed to get some rest. Which is true, I work at night.

Oh well, I guess now I'd be considered on the prowl...in fact I may need to change my sig line...

 

[RoughPlay]

Lilpriss,

I'm not surprised you're peeved. Considering your long talk 6 weeks
ago your question deserved an answer. To not give one with that body
language is pretty insulting.

I can understand why he would want to keep his options open and avoid
commitment even a year after a long term relationship. It is fun to meet
new people. However if this is incompatible with what you want then its
reasonable to make him choose between commitment or being dumped.

I would be interested in knowing what he says after reading your note.

Yes I think you should be on the prowl. What would you change your sig
line to ?

I'm lucky and don't need to be on the prowl. However I'm always on the
look out for people who are interesting to talk to.

 

[Guest]

He treats you this way because you allow him to, so stop. You're available to him when it's convenient to him, so he takes advantage of it.

Become unavailable, for everything, for a while. Take his calls, but be brief. When he wants to do something, tell him sorry, but you have other plans. Don't let him be a priority in your life. He'll start to wonder what the hell is going on, and if he's really interested will start to pursue you harder and hopefully appreciate you more. If he doesn't, it might be hard to tkae, but you'll know what you need to know and be able to get out before you get more attached.

Ditto. Ditto. Ditto.

My mother used to call it "playing hard to get", or "not being so available". But in reality, it's about having YOUR OWN LIFE and priorities, and letting HIM be the one to fit in to YOUR LIFE, instead of vice-versa. If he doesn't, or doesn't even make the attempt, then at least you know before things get even further down the road. But if I were you, I'd be real unavailable and cool (but still sweet, friendly, and respectful) for a while - until he cleans up his act (if he ever does).

-X-