Humiliation?

[ashkitten]

I don't like cruelty, and I have a hard time figuring out what degrading/humiliating means, but I know there are things that do make me feel embarrassed and I think it's because of how much it emphasizes the shift I've made from the person I usually seem myself as.

Examples:

1) I am embarrassed about how much I like being called a good girl. Whore or slut doesn't bother me, but "good girl" hits my people pleasing buttons (which are not buttons I like having) and it's not something you say to an adult-equal.

2) One night a dom I was with was making me take a breather when I was struggling and said something like "I want you pouting" and then later made me beg. My instinctive feeling was: adult women don't pout, but I didn't say that because I was trying to be good (see above). By the time he was making me beg, I hated it and also could feel myself falling into it. Tbh, it was delightful.

 

[AnnieLit]

I don't like cruelty, and I have a hard time figuring out what degrading/humiliating means, but I know there are things that do make me feel embarrassed and I think it's because of how much it emphasizes the shift I've made from the person I usually seem myself as.

Examples:

1) I am embarrassed about how much I like being called a good girl. Whore or slut doesn't bother me, but "good girl" hits my people pleasing buttons (which are not buttons I like having) and it's not something you say to an adult-equal.

2) One night a dom I was with was making me take a breather when I was struggling and said something like "I want you pouting" and then later made me beg. My instinctive feeling was: adult women don't pout, but I didn't say that because I was trying to be good (see above). By the time he was making me beg, I hated it and also could feel myself falling into it. Tbh, it was delightful.

All of this is soooo subjective...
I like being called both a "good girl" and a "slut" and... surprising as it might be, during play to me they mean the same thing: I am doing exactly what I was asked to do and He is pleased with the result. Outside of play it's different, a slut or a whore in writing looks very wrong to me. Not humiliating, as I know that was not the intention, but just wrong.

As for adult-equal... I absolutely do not want to be an equal during play! If this good girl/slut language is on the table, it means I am a sub, and He is a dom. Than can we please leave all the equality at the door? Equality, among other things, means equality in making the decisions, but I don't want to make any! In submission I want to give my body to be used any way he sees fit, I don't want to think, I want to follow his command. What part of this spells equality?

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I love the idea with a tiered chain. I'm dominating a sub, who is in turn dominating another sub. The one at the bottom is not allowed to interact or speak to me. All communication must be administered through the middle link in the chain.

The middle link is the most fascinating to me, she both must submit to me, yet dominate someone beneath her, at the same time. I think it would be a fun mental head game.

I was lucky enough to be the bottom link in such a chain once in Oregon. I was also unlucky enough to have had to move away from the area. The Dom still used me because as the middles property he owned me and was my Mistresses Master so he was my Master. I was so happy to be able to serv her and offer her some relief.

 

[Master_Doctor]

I don't like cruelty, and I have a hard time figuring out what degrading/humiliating means, but I know there are things that do make me feel embarrassed and I think it's because of how much it emphasizes the shift I've made from the person I usually seem myself as.

Examples:

1) I am embarrassed about how much I like being called a good girl. Whore or slut doesn't bother me, but "good girl" hits my people pleasing buttons (which are not buttons I like having) and it's not something you say to an adult-equal.

2) One night a dom I was with was making me take a breather when I was struggling and said something like "I want you pouting" and then later made me beg. My instinctive feeling was: adult women don't pout, but I didn't say that because I was trying to be good (see above). By the time he was making me beg, I hated it and also could feel myself falling into it. Tbh, it was delightful.

Excellent Post. Thank you. Ive been in the lifestyle for over 22 years as a Dom/Master and alpha male. One thing that I have taught when I oversee BDSM groups is that Humiliation is, indeed in the eye of the beholder and Degrading a person is something entirely different.

Some things (name calling, wearing skimpy clothes in public) may be very humiliating for some... dont even register to others. I once had a beautiful and draw dropping Coed Slave who found it humiliating AND degrading to go out in public w/o wearing a bra. Im talking about otherwise fully clothed. She had amazingly beautiful Breasts 36 DDD. I know very many women who would be proud to flaunt them without a bra. But for her it was a horrible experience. I never asked her to do it again because while I enjoyed her getting arouse with some levels of humiliation. I never wanted to make her feel the complete and utter dread that she felt going braless. Interestingly enough. She felt only minor humiliation going out in public in a short skirt, high heels and no panties. We are all unique.

So just some food for thought. Humiliation is in the eye of the beholder... Degradation is about making a person feel less than human. Far to many people tend to throw the 2 together as the same thing.

 

[eroticspank]

Great post! And too many inexperienced Doms just think it's all about calling someone a slut or whore. It's really about how you're able to make the other person feel and those threadsholds will vary a lot. I find "good girl" much more effective than just "slut" for example contrarily to Annie. The subtle aspects of D/s are really what make it delicious.

Amen! The subtle aspects! 80% of this stuff is in our heads and everyone is different in that area.

ES

 

[eroticspank]

There is a third option, though.
You do something that you THINK should be embarrassing for the sub, because it would be to you, if the roles were reversed. They clearly enjoy the activity, but... they feel neither ebarrassed, nor humiliated. Excited, aroused -- yes, but not humiliated or embarrased.

Nice! I agree with the third option.

I wonder IF the excitement and arousal is caused by that fact that the activity is typically an embarrassing or humiliating one?

ES

 

[AnnieLit]

Nice! I agree with the third option.

I wonder IF the excitement and arousal is caused by that fact that the activity is typically an embarrassing or humiliating one?

ES

I can't talk for everybody, but for me it is not. I wrote somewhere earlier on this thread that to me "good girl", "dirty little slut", and "hungry for cock whore" sound exactly the same during the play because they are said with the exactly the same tone of voice - aroused approval. In that voice He can call me absolutely anything, I feed off his reaction to me, his voice, his hands, his body language, not the meaning of any particular word.

Same with going in public without panties -- if I know that it excites Him, it will excite me. If I went to a bathroom and brought them back to Him (on demand or on my own accord does not matter), even better, because now he will have hard time keeping his hands away :devil. And THAT will sure arouse me. The tease, the game, not the humiliation, because I don't feel any here.

Going without a bra is a bit different as was mentioned above, because panties is a secret for two, but this is something everybody can see. I am a DD, so in anything half tight it is pretty obvious. But, again, I will get aroused by the reaction of people around, but not embarrassed.

I guess I am a bit to old to feel embarrassed about anything

 

[SissySalina]

I can't talk for everybody, but for me it is not. I wrote somewhere earlier on this thread that to me "good girl", "dirty little slut", and "hungry for cock whore" sound exactly the same during the play because they are said with the exactly the same tone of voice - aroused approval. In that voice He can call me absolutely anything, I feed off his reaction to me, his voice, his hands, his body language, not the meaning of any particular word.

Same with going in public without panties -- if I know that it excites Him, it will excite me. If I went to a bathroom and brought them back to Him (on demand or on my own accord does not matter), even better, because now he will have hard time keeping his hands away :devil. And THAT will sure arouse me. The tease, the game, not the humiliation, because I don't feel any here.

Going without a bra is a bit different as was mentioned above, because panties is a secret for two, but this is something everybody can see. I am a DD, so in anything half tight it is pretty obvious. But, again, I will get aroused by the reaction of people around, but not embarrassed.

I guess I am a bit to old to feel embarrassed about anything

Nicely said AnnieLit.

 

[ef_oh_ex]

I don't like cruelty, and I have a hard time figuring out what degrading/humiliating means, but I know there are things that do make me feel embarrassed and I think it's because of how much it emphasizes the shift I've made from the person I usually seem myself as.

Examples:

1) I am embarrassed about how much I like being called a good girl. Whore or slut doesn't bother me, but "good girl" hits my people pleasing buttons (which are not buttons I like having) and it's not something you say to an adult-equal.

2) One night a dom I was with was making me take a breather when I was struggling and said something like "I want you pouting" and then later made me beg. My instinctive feeling was: adult women don't pout, but I didn't say that because I was trying to be good (see above). By the time he was making me beg, I hated it and also could feel myself falling into it. Tbh, it was delightful.

I enjoy the sensual side of dominance much more than the cruelty side. That said, it's the interplay and familiarity between the dominant & the submissive that makes it most enjoyable:
Pushing her buttons, and her envelope is, I believe, rewarding for both ! Right ?

 

[woman_early20s]

I don't go for superintense make-me-cry humiliation, but I prefer it peppered throughout my day-to-day interactions with him. And I'm not sure I'd call it a fetish as it doesn't get me off sexually, but it does feel oh so right.

That's something that also turns me on sexually too. I love it

 

[Master_Doctor]

Great post! And too many inexperienced Doms just think it's all about calling someone a slut or whore. It's really about how you're able to make the other person feel and those threadsholds will vary a lot. I find "good girl" much more effective than just "slut" for example contrarily to Annie. The subtle aspects of D/s are really what make it delicious.

I quite agree. I prefer to use a single finger than a hammer to get my point across. Subtlety is everything. My slave gets more aroused and concerned when I show her my index finger than when I grab a flogger. I collar her every morning before she leaves for work... every morning she leaves for work covered in goose pimples with a mere touch and soft words whispered in her ears. After 8 years, I must be doing something right. Im sure as hell not going to change strategies now!

 

[eroticspank]

I can't talk for everybody, but for me it is not. I wrote somewhere earlier on this thread that to me "good girl", "dirty little slut", and "hungry for cock whore" sound exactly the same during the play because they are said with the exactly the same tone of voice - aroused approval. In that voice He can call me absolutely anything, I feed off his reaction to me, his voice, his hands, his body language, not the meaning of any particular word.

Same with going in public without panties -- if I know that it excites Him, it will excite me. If I went to a bathroom and brought them back to Him (on demand or on my own accord does not matter), even better, because now he will have hard time keeping his hands away :devil. And THAT will sure arouse me. The tease, the game, not the humiliation, because I don't feel any here.

Going without a bra is a bit different as was mentioned above, because panties is a secret for two, but this is something everybody can see. I am a DD, so in anything half tight it is pretty obvious. But, again, I will get aroused by the reaction of people around, but not embarrassed.

I guess I am a bit to old to feel embarrassed about anything

I don't know about being too old. Your pics look great. It is really interesting reading your perspective on this. So I think I get it now. You are reacting to your partner's reaction to things he thinks would be embarrassing to him if the roles were reversed and you react to the people around you. He gets aroused knowing you are panty less in public so you get aroused. People around notice your naughty play via your outfit etc, and you get more aroused.

ES

 

[Master_Doctor]

I can't talk for everybody, but for me it is not. I wrote somewhere earlier on this thread that to me "good girl", "dirty little slut", and "hungry for cock whore" sound exactly the same during the play because they are said with the exactly the same tone of voice - aroused approval. In that voice He can call me absolutely anything, I feed off his reaction to me, his voice, his hands, his body language, not the meaning of any particular word.

Same with going in public without panties -- if I know that it excites Him, it will excite me. If I went to a bathroom and brought them back to Him (on demand or on my own accord does not matter), even better, because now he will have hard time keeping his hands away :devil. And THAT will sure arouse me. The tease, the game, not the humiliation, because I don't feel any here.

Going without a bra is a bit different as was mentioned above, because panties is a secret for two, but this is something everybody can see. I am a DD, so in anything half tight it is pretty obvious. But, again, I will get aroused by the reaction of people around, but not embarrassed.

I guess I am a bit to old to feel embarrassed about anything

I would suggest, my experience tells me, one of the reasons you feel the same way, regardless of what words your partner uses. But the the tone and measure of his voice at the time. You are very in-tune and connected with your partner. I doubt anyone else would have the same effect on you.... even if you let them try.

My wife/slave is the same way. All I have to do is touch her with one finger. After all these years it doesnt matter where... and she explodes with goose pimples all over and is insanely aroused. i only have to go a couple inches... because, like you we are so in-tune and connected together. Im just lucky my wife thinks im that sexy.

 

[chuckwd]

its a great life style.; and lady you should enjoy each and every min, of it ..I perfet hat to any other form of sex.Chuck

 

[AnnieLit]

I would suggest, my experience tells me, one of the reasons you feel the same way, regardless of what words your partner uses. But the the tone and measure of his voice at the time. You are very in-tune and connected with your partner. I doubt anyone else would have the same effect on you.... even if you let them try.

My wife/slave is the same way. All I have to do is touch her with one finger. After all these years it doesnt matter where... and she explodes with goose pimples all over and is insanely aroused. i only have to go a couple inches... because, like you we are so in-tune and connected together. Im just lucky my wife thinks im that sexy.

Nice theory, but in my case it does not work. I am very much in tune with my husband, only... it's a very different tune. I am a switch, he is a sub, so him saying anything more than "I love you" is absolutely out of question.

My submission, on the other hand, happens with...I would not call them random partners as we do talk for a while before we get to do more and often the "coffee in a public place" stage goes so wrong that there is no way to continue, but there is definitely no deep connection there. I wish there was and maybe someday it will happen, but I am nowhere close to that.

 

[AnnieLit]

I don't know about being too old. Your pics look great. It is really interesting reading your perspective on this. So I think I get it now. You are reacting to your partner's reaction to things he thinks would be embarrassing to him if the roles were reversed and you react to the people around you. He gets aroused knowing you are panty less in public so you get aroused. People around notice your naughty play via your outfit etc, and you get more aroused.

ES

Yes, you got it right.
And thank you.

 

[eroticspank]

Yes, you got it right.
And thank you.

You are welcome. I find I am on this thread and on Lit in general to learn about others and myself. Your comments and others have helped me to learn more about myself regarding humiliation.

Now I realize that for me, humiliation is about more than just myself. It must involve two people as a minimum, me and my partner in my case it is my wife. If I am with someone that doesn't enjoy the teasing and play that comes along with humiliation then I find I am not interested either. And I find there are so many avenues and scenarios that can be put in the humiliation category.

Example: I try on a pair of panties, a garter belt, and a bra by myself and maybe I feel slight arousal from it. BUT if the woman I am with has me put on the same items and I feel her enjoyment of the situation she has put me in, I find that I get very turned on and in some cases humiliation sets in---in a good way because that feeds our scene.

ES

 

[edontario559]

Difference between public and scene

In public, a sub and I are a couple. To humiliate my sub is to humiliate us, and I prefer to not be humiliated. I'm also one of those old fashioned "not around children, even if it's legal" kind of people. I don't need 14 year old boys jerking off to the memory of my bra-less sub (etc.)

At the right location, however? That's different.

 

[AnnieLit]

In public, a sub and I are a couple. To humiliate my sub is to humiliate us, and I prefer to not be humiliated. I'm also one of those old fashioned "not around children, even if it's legal" kind of people. I don't need 14 year old boys jerking off to the memory of my bra-less sub (etc.)

At the right location, however? That's different.

Does this mean that your sub is prohibited from going to a beach or ever wearing a somewhat short skirt? Because 14 yo boys are known to be jerking off to a memory of ANY female part, leg, arm, face, turn of a neck... I don't know how it works in Arab countries, but my guess is no burka would stop a horny boy from finding something to jerk off to.

 

[AnnieLit]

You are welcome. I find I am on this thread and on Lit in general to learn about others and myself. Your comments and others have helped me to learn more about myself regarding humiliation.

Now I realize that for me, humiliation is about more than just myself. It must involve two people as a minimum, me and my partner in my case it is my wife. If I am with someone that doesn't enjoy the teasing and play that comes along with humiliation then I find I am not interested either. And I find there are so many avenues and scenarios that can be put in the humiliation category.

Example: I try on a pair of panties, a garter belt, and a bra by myself and maybe I feel slight arousal from it. BUT if the woman I am with has me put on the same items and I feel her enjoyment of the situation she has put me in, I find that I get very turned on and in some cases humiliation sets in---in a good way because that feeds our scene.

ES

Yes, that ^^^.
In self play it is all about physical pleasure, but to make it more, to make it go to your head, one needs a partner.

My example of that would be wearing a plug in public. Most of the times I do it on my own (makes listening to middle school recitals much more tolerable), but sometimes there is somebody else that knows and would tease me about it all night long (usually through texts) or I know that next morning I will have to write a report on how it went. And THAT, the knowledge that He is very much turned on by knowing what I am doing, is enough to make the experience much much better.

On the second thought, I am not even sure if this supposed to be humiliating as there is no way for a stranger to know. But if no panties is, then a plug probably too...

 

[edontario559]

Does this mean that your sub is prohibited from going to a beach or ever wearing a somewhat short skirt? Because 14 yo boys are known to be jerking off to a memory of ANY female part, leg, arm, face, turn of a neck... I don't know how it works in Arab countries, but my guess is no burka would stop a horny boy from finding something to jerk off to.

How humiliating is it to wear a bikini at a beach? Yeah, 14 year olds jerk off to images of women in bikini's. That's why they GO to the beach.

You consider wearing a mini-skirt to be humiliating? Really?

I'm talking about see-through sheer stuff, with no underwear and a collar. I'm talking about walking around a party - with adults who know us and are aware of things - wearing only light nipple clamps and a collar, in preparation of things to come... even though everybody else is wearing clothes.

I had a handcuffed sub once carrying a serving tray with her tits at a party, serving crudite's to fully clothed guests. She was a lousy server, and spilled a lot of things, but it made for an interesting show. She indicated that the combination of pain and embarrassment was wonderful/awful... particularly when she started to beg to take the clamps off, and we had a discussion about it while she began weeping.

If she wanted to go to the pool, in a bikini, that was her business...

 

[AnnieLit]

How humiliating is it to wear a bikini at a beach? Yeah, 14 year olds jerk off to images of women in bikini's. That's why they GO to the beach.

You consider wearing a mini-skirt to be humiliating? Really?

I'm talking about see-through sheer stuff, with no underwear and a collar. I'm talking about walking around a party - with adults who know us and are aware of things - wearing only light nipple clamps and a collar, in preparation of things to come... even though everybody else is wearing clothes.

I had a handcuffed sub once carrying a serving tray with her tits at a party, serving crudite's to fully clothed guests. She was a lousy server, and spilled a lot of things, but it made for an interesting show. She indicated that the combination of pain and embarrassment was wonderful/awful... particularly when she started to beg to take the clamps off, and we had a discussion about it while she began weeping.

If she wanted to go to the pool, in a bikini, that was her business...

I don't consider ANY of this humiliating
You were the one to mention no bra and 14 year olds, so I thought you were talking about everyday cloths, as a see through will get you (or at least your sub) kicked out of any place where a 14 yo can possibly happen to be, so it does not really matter if you want anybody to jerk off to her or not.

 

[edontario559]

I don't consider ANY of this humiliating
You were the one to mention no bra and 14 year olds, so I thought you were talking about everyday cloths, as a see through will get you (or at least your sub) kicked out of any place where a 14 yo can possibly happen to be, so it does not really matter if you want anybody to jerk off to her or not.

Yup. OTOH, there's another thread on here that shows all kinds of very erotic situations where Humiliation is delicious.

Like I said, being the only naked (or otherwise vulnerable) person in a room can be very erotic and humiliating at the same time. And chilly, but that's another issue...

Having a sub being nude, mildly tormented (nipple or other clamps that are tight, but not crushing), and serving your clothed guests is almost a version of foreplay. She knows what's coming, you know what's coming.

There's a crescendo to it. If permitted, she might be told to kneel and suck - without finishing - a guest that she doesn't even know, while everyone else watches. She might be told to stand there while some weights are added to her clamps, and then told "now freshen up my drink, and be quick about it."

"You are my most valued possession, and I won't let anyone harm you - but 'hurt you' is very different. You will be displayed, as my possession, and used as I see fit. You will satisfy me. If that means that you are striped in front of all of these people? If that means that you scream and beg in front of all these people, and do things that 'normal' people consider degrading?"

Then that's what it means.

Those erotic pictures from the other thread all have one thing in common: the subs aren't completely nude but, rather, are wearing high-end clothes, jewelry, makeup, etc.

I love seeing a sub wearing expensive jewelry that she received as a gift from me, with her hair done up, her makeup 'perfect," and her hands cuffed behind her back - serving whomever I tell her to. It is visually perfect.

A high end woman, and also a submissive slut... all at once.

Humiliation, indeed.

 

[Brutal_One]

As a Dom I am not sure I ‘get’ humiliation but from a sub’s point of view if the sub’s need is to feel humiliated maybe in trying to understand the need and meet is is warranted.

But for what I might want to explore with a sub, humiliating her wouldn’t be part of it, ever.

How does this help a sub grow or learn anything.

As a Dom why would I think that using humiliation advances the relationship in any way for either (again maybe unless that’s what the sub wants but that would be worth exploring anyway).

Personally I don’t see a place for it in the D/s space. Even if I consider the S&M side.

It’s like the old joke.

The masochist says to the sadist ‘hurt me’. The sadist replies ‘no’.

Brutal One

 

[seela]

^Not everything has to be a teachable moment or serve some greater purpose. Even within a D/a dynamic it's completely fine to do things just because it's really, really sexy. No other reasons needed. Not to mention that not all D/s dynamics are about nurturing and such.

Humiliation gets my panties real wet and that's the reason why I engage in humiliation play. It might not be an instant gratification kind of play for me, but in the long run it ends up in the plus column more often than not.