Humor Me

[lakesailer_mi]

A man walked into a pub and ordered a beer.

"That'll be 10 cents" said the guy behind the bar.

"You're kidding," exclaimed the man, "how much for a steak?"

"Two dollars," said the guy behind the bar.

"That's amazing, I want to meet the owner!"

"Well, he's upstairs with my wife right now." said the guy behind the bar.

"What's he doing with her up there there there?" asked the customer.

"Same thing I'm doing with his business down here."

 

[wombat9966]

http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/funny-gif-couldbeworse-comic-comics-how-to1.gif

 

[wombat9966]

This will get me in trouble but guys will find it funny

http://wanna-joke.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/funny-gif-arguing-women-friends.gif

 

[userid_unknown]

What do you call a fratboy in a suit?
The defendant.

 

[ROADMASTE86]

I like that one.

 

[userid_unknown]

Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
https://dejavuiv.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/french-fries.jpg

 

[userid_unknown]

Boss: You should have been here at 9.30 a.m.
Employee: Why what happened?

 

[Shimp]

Why does Peter Pan always fly.....

because he lives in Neverland...

 

[userid_unknown]

Humpty Dumpty sat on a star.
Humpty Dumpty started to char.
All of the astronauts raced to his side…
But when they reached him
Poor Humpty was fried!

 

[userid_unknown]

Men who are bald at front of their heads are good thinkers. Men who are bald at the back of their heads are good lovers. Men who are bald at front and back think they are good lovers.

 

[Eclectic2012]

The minister from the local church was walking downtown when he passed a scantily dressed woman in a depressed part of town. He smiled at her as he approached and the woman asked, "Would you like a blow job...$10?" Not sure what to say he kept walking when another similarly dressed woman came up to him and asked the same thing. Confused, he hurried home where he asked his wife as she was taking dinner out of the oven, "Honey, what's a blow job?" To which his wife replied without looking up, "Ten dollars, same as downtown."

 

[Mockingjay]

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health. And he's already used to taking orders.


Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good.

 

[userid_unknown]

A couple celebrates their 30th anniversary by re-walking their first walk together. They come to the fence against which they first made love.

The husband says, "Come on, for old time's sake." The wife agrees and they both undress.

Afterwards, the husband says, "You're even better than you were 30 years ago."

His wife replies, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"

 

[userid_unknown]

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

 

[userid_unknown]

Then he said to me
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_madcewjK3d1rs9xxso2_400.jpg
and I said NO

 

[lakesailer_mi]

A reporter was interviewing a farmer about mad cow disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure, Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Um, no I didn't, but what's that got to do with the disease?"

"And do you know that we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but what's the point?"

"Well, the point is that if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad too?"

 

[NotHisLady]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a Los Angeles , California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside . Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, a local newspaper in Asheville, North Carolina reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Leicester, Bubba, a hell of an engineer and a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, North Carolina had already gone wireless".

 

[Mockingjay]

https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/t1.0-9/10169174_10152156196994998_8385655428425242298_n.png

 

[Mockingjay]

https://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7645596416/hBB44208D/

 

[userid_unknown]

http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/26695350.jpg

 

[userid_unknown]

http://www.greekshares.com/uploads/image/stock_market_cartoon_11.jpg

 

[userid_unknown]

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...


Did you hear about the new household cleaner just on the market called "Bachelor?" It works fast, and leaves no ring.

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks.
He’d cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out her window, “Say, what do you charge for yard work?”
The fellow thought for a minute, then answered, “The lady who lives here, lets me sleep with her.”

 

[userid_unknown]

http://i291.photobucket.com/albums/ll287/adlilo/friends-4.jpg

 

[userid_unknown]

A Woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said:

"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas"

 

[userid_unknown]

http://img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/auto-9gag-1245937.jpeg