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This thread is going to get me addicted to pinterest again
 
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Instructions for having an adventure:

1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you're the valet.
3. Say yes.
 
Why women SHOULD NOT have a Girls night out after marriage.


Well there is not much that my mother says that really makes me laugh but this did take the cake. Bless her heart.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... He didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said.

'Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckoo-ed another three times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
A guys walks into a brothel and buys himself a girl. When they get to her room and he undresses the hooker looks at his very small penis and starts to laugh. She then says to the guy, "who you gonna please with that?' The guys says looks up and says "me!"
 
It's tough to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
 
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