Humorous Poetry

[oggbashan]

Bronco..as rough as sandpaper to irritate your piles and non-absorbent too...what was that all about?!?

Before Bronco there was torn-up newspapers. But back in the 1950s and before all toilet paper was like Bronco - hard and unforgiving. At school our toilet paper was printed with the name '[blank] County Council Education'. Toilets in public buildings and government offices had hard toilet paper printed 'Government Property' to stop people stealing it.

An aside: During WW2 in the Mediterranean a British submarine hit a mine that caused damage and flooding to a single compartment. The submarine was able to continue its mission to the scheduled end but the damage had destroyed ALL the toilet paper on board because it was all stored in that compartment.

During the rest of the mission the crew used any available paper. When they returned to port they didn't have a requisition form to order more toilet paper, nor a form to order more forms to order toilet paper - a Catch 22 dilemma. A neighbouring warship lent them a form to order more forms and the dilemma was solved.

BUT that incident led to a change for stowing stores on ALL British warships. No longer would all stock of any item be in a single place. They would be evenly distributed about the ship so that damage in one area wouldn't destroy ALL of something. It meant more complexity for the poor storekeepers, but an ability to continue to operate when damaged. After all, toilet paper can be replaced by any paper. Radio spares cannot be replaced except by radio spares.

Eventually all on-shore storage of war materials changed too so that one bombing raid couldn't destroy the total stocks of any item - all because one submarine's crew lost their toilet paper.

 

[HoneyAdored]

......

 

[oggbashan]

How fascinating, though it has got me thinking outside the confines of the …submarine, that if I were Captain I would have made the crew wash their butts with all that surplus water ;-)

Washing backsides with sea water, with insufficient fresh water on board for a final rinse, would be asking for skin problems and sore asses. That was a WW2 submarine. Desalination plants if they existed, and on some submarines they didn't, produced very little water then. The toilets were waterless.

 

[HoneyAdored]

......

 

[UnderYourSpell]

It started off quite naturally
Desmond began to rise
then thought for some titillation
he'd lick between her thighs.

Margo was getting into it
lying there with legs apart,
unfortunately so relaxed was she,
she let out an almighty fart!

Desmond gagged at noxious fumes
and reeled back from the bed,
caught his foot in a trailing sheet
and fell and banged his head.

"Oh do get on with it" Margo cried,
suffering from lack of pace,
swung round to see why he had stopped
and biffed him in the face!

Seeing him lying there supine
she realised he'd reached the end,
so took the decision there and then
to use her buzzing friend.

Desmond incensed, gained verve and vim,
(By gum, that lad's got class!
Rolled Margo over, friend and all,
and shoved it up her arse!

Margo impaled, shrieked and swore,
but Desmond hung on in her bum,
then she yelled for another reason
in one blinding delicious cum!

The aftermath was messy, but
Margo learned this on that day of days,
it pays to rile her Desmond
when she wants the best of lays!

 

[HarryHill]

It started off quite naturally
Desmond began to rise
then thought for some titillation
he'd lick between her thighs.

Margo was getting into it
lying there with legs apart,
unfortunately so relaxed was she,
she let out an almighty fart!

Desmond gagged at noxious fumes
and reeled back from the bed,
caught his foot in a trailing sheet
and fell and banged his head.

"Oh do get on with it" Margo cried,
suffering from lack of pace,
swung round to see why he had stopped
and biffed him in the head!

Seeing him lying there supine
she realised he'd reached the end,
so took the decision there and then
to use her buzzing friend.

Desmond incensed, gained verve and vim,
(By gum, that lad's got class!
Rolled Margo over, friend and all,
and shoved it up her arse!

Margo impaled, shrieked and swore,
but Desmond hung on in her bum,
then she yelled for another reason
in one blinding delicious cum!

The aftermath was messy, but
Margo learned this on that day of days,
it pays to rile her Desmond
when she wants the best of lays!

.. bravo

 

[HarryHill]

from the 30/30

Hazardous Conditions, (the crack up)

Her smile trembled on pursed lips
threatened to slip the shaky grip,
held by sheer will alone
and the internal mantra chanted
to keep a mind occupied,
eyes closed tight against the danger
of another sight

dontlookatit, dontlookatit...

but the
strange geometry and tattoo
which read,
dangerous curve ahead,
was
etched in living colors,
burned a vision in her head,
as she
waited for him to see,
placed most prominently,
her own tag, inked delicately,
slippery when wet,
wondering if his funny bone
would still stay errect
when he spotted the certainty
of their impending wreck

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hazardous Conditions, (the crack up)

Her smile trembled on pursed lips
threatened to slip the shaky grip,
held by sheer will alone
and the internal mantra chanted
to keep a mind occupied,
eyes closed tight against the danger
of another sight

dontlookatit, dontlookatit...

but the
strange geometry and tattoo
which read,
dangerous curve ahead,
was
etched in living colors,
burned a vision in her head,
as she
waited for him to see,
placed most prominently,
her own tag, inked delicately,
slippery when wet,
wondering if his funny bone
would still stay errect
when he spotted the certainty
of their impending wreck

Lol you too
I see my quote has departed

 

[HoneyAdored]

......

 

[HoneyAdored]

......

 

[UnderYourSpell]

UnderYourSpell;76224660]It started off quite naturally
Desmond began to rise
then thought for some titillation
he'd lick between her thighs.

Margo was getting into it
lying there with legs apart,
unfortunately so relaxed was she,
she let out an almighty fart!

Desmond gagged at noxious fumes
and reeled back from the bed,
caught his foot in a trailing sheet
and fell and banged his head.

"Oh do get on with it" Margo cried,
suffering from lack of pace,
swung round to see why he had stopped
and biffed him in the face!

Seeing him lying there supine
she realised he'd reached the end,
so took the decision there and then
to use her buzzing friend.

Desmond incensed, gained verve and vim,
(By gum, that lad's got class!
Rolled Margo over, friend and all,
and shoved it up her arse!

Margo impaled, shrieked and swore,
but Desmond hung on in her bum,
then she yelled for another reason
in one blinding delicious cum!

The aftermath was messy, but
Margo learned this on that day of days,
it pays to rile her Desmond
when she wants the best of lays!

This farce is hilarious Annie [/QUOTE]

Thank you

 

[UnderYourSpell]

"Don't sit on that cold wall" Mother said,
"you'll get piles"
but I laughed and stayed put.
From my high perch I could see for miles.
Not miles far enough ahead it seems.

She was right.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

The Joke

I can't recall when I first heard
of Bernie's friend, Michelle.
He's been my pal for ages now,
I know him very well,

but, anyway, this friend of his,
she's in some TV show
with lots of cops and nasty guys
and blood and guts, y’know.


She told him that, on certain days,
as all the cameras run,
the actors get undressed and then
they have some raunchy fun.

He asked her if he could join in,
she made it sound so great.
She said. "Why not, just turn up nude."
Old Bernie couldn't wait.

That Friday night he made his move;
he took a taxi there.
He wore a long and fitted coat
so no one saw him bare.

Inside the place he whipped it off
and waited for the crew.
When they arrived and saw him there,
his kneecaps turning blue,

they laughed out loud at Michelle's joke
which made poor Bernie blush.
He stood and glared at everyone
amidst a deathly hush

but soon he saw the funny side
and couldn't hide his smile.
He took his coat and put it on,
he did it with such style.

Poor Bernie was quite unprepared
for Michelle's type of joke
but all in all it worked out well,
he's such a lucky bloke,

they fell in love and took the plunge.
So here's the happy end,
it took this joke to make a wife
of Michelle, Bernie's friend.

 

[Tzara]

Humerus Poetry

I bridge from scapula down to the elbow.
When apes looked in the monolith, they viewed
Instructions how to use me, cleaned and nude,
As an efficient weapon. Foes are laid low,
Skulls crushed as if I were not bone but backhoe.
For inter-tribal warfare I obtrude
As escalation in these little feuds,
In short, I am a most important gizmo.

But tossed into the air, I morph into
A satellite equipped with lasers that
Can fricassee whole cities on the Earth.
That doesn't mean I'm something really new--
I'm really just a different kind of bat
That fries instead of clubs, for what it's worth.

 

[Angeline]

Humerus Poetry

I bridge from scapula down to the elbow.
When apes looked in the monolith, they viewed
Instructions how to use me, cleaned and nude,
As an efficient weapon. Foes are laid low,
Skulls crushed as if I were not bone but backhoe.
For inter-tribal warfare I obtrude
As escalation in these little feuds,
In short, I am a most important gizmo.

But tossed into the air, I morph into
A satellite equipped with lasers that
Can fricassee whole cities on the Earth.
That doesn't mean I'm something really new--
I'm really just a different kind of bat
That fries instead of clubs, for what it's worth.

That's 14 lines, pal. Just sayin I counted (after I was done laughing).

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Humerus Poetry

I bridge from scapula down to the elbow.
When apes looked in the monolith, they viewed
Instructions how to use me, cleaned and nude,
As an efficient weapon. Foes are laid low,
Skulls crushed as if I were not bone but backhoe.
For inter-tribal warfare I obtrude
As escalation in these little feuds,
In short, I am a most important gizmo.

But tossed into the air, I morph into
A satellite equipped with lasers that
Can fricassee whole cities on the Earth.
That doesn't mean I'm something really new--
I'm really just a different kind of bat
That fries instead of clubs, for what it's worth.

Haaaaaaaaa!

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Humerus Poetry

Brilliant. 2001 kudos!!

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Each day he caught the rush hour Tube
without fail from Swiss Cottage,
it was the highlight of his day
Charlie, Crown Prince of Frottage.

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

If not humorous, then hopeful

Grandma, Jesus and Buddha
(Suspended Beliefs)

He
hangs,
crucified,
over her
big bed,
emaciated,
starved of
love. I feel sorry for him in his sadness and pain,
that we had caused, she told me off-handedly and
I felt worse. But Buddha sits on her dresser and
laughs, I
like him
better and
want him
to release
Jesus and
lift him
down out
of misery,
feed him
so he can
get fat and
jolly like
Buddha.
Perhaps
then the
world would be
a better place.​

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Grandma, Jesus and Buddha
(Suspended Beliefs)

He
hangs,
crucified,
over her
big bed,
emaciated,
starved of
love. I feel sorry for him in his sadness and pain,
that we had caused, she told me off-handedly and
I felt worse. But Buddha sits on her dresser and
laughs, I
like him
better and
want him
to release
Jesus and
lift him
down out
of misery,
feed him
so he can
get fat and
jolly like
Buddha.
Perhaps
then the
world would be
a better place.​

Gosh you are clever, that must have taken ages!

 

[Ashesh9]

Grandma, Jesus and Buddha
(Suspended Beliefs)

He
hangs,
crucified,
over her
big bed,
emaciated,
starved of
love. I feel sorry for him in his sadness and pain,
that we had caused, she told me off-handedly and
I felt worse. But Buddha sits on her dresser and
laughs, I
like him
better and
want him
to release
Jesus and
lift him
down out
of misery,
feed him
so he can
get fat and
jolly like
Buddha.
Perhaps
then the
world would be
a better place.​

Once Jesus becomes obese like the Laughin' Buddha His cardiologist is gonna say "Mr. Christ i need you to lose around 20 kilos round your abdomen !?"

 

[GuiltyPleasure]

Gosh you are clever, that must have taken ages!

Thanks but it's nothing compared to your rainbow poem, that one blew me away.

 

[ishtat]

Grandma, Jesus and Buddha
(Suspended Beliefs)

He
hangs,
crucified,
over her
big bed,
emaciated,
starved of
love. I feel sorry for him in his sadness and pain,
that we had caused, she told me off-handedly and
I felt worse. But Buddha sits on her dresser and
laughs, I
like him
better and
want him
to release
Jesus and
lift him
down out
of misery,
feed him
so he can
get fat and
jolly like
Buddha.
Perhaps
then the
world would be
a better place.​

If you read the officially heretical, Gnostic gospel of Thomas, JC was incredibly similar to Buddha.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well really!!
I lost my balance and Ron said
"It's because you're top heavy, but
(patting me on the bottom)
this bit holds you down" !!

 

[oggbashan]

Wow! My latest humorous poem now has a Green E .

https://www.literotica.com/p/caesars-wife-1

It has just jumped from a rating of 3.00 to 3.75. The E shows at least one person liked it.

Thank you, Angeline, for your comments.