i am an asshole

[shy little fairy]

hey, i'll turn this into a "what's the last thing you did that made you feel like an asshole?" thread.

i just feel like venting.

i'm a total selfish bitch. my best friend and i like the same guy (doesn't matter too much, cuz he has a gf, but yah). she went to d-land w/ him last weekend (we're all friends), and when she realized she liked him, and kept talking about the great time she had, i, being the selfish one i am, asked her not to talk about it w/ me, cuz it upset me. and well, since she's absolutely WONDERFUL, she of course listened, and didn't talk about it.
well i saw his parents at a restaurant tonight, and we all ate together (minus him), and i was remembering how much i like him, and wished that i had taken my chance w/ him back when i had it. i of COURSE started venting to my best friend when i got home, not even THINKING of her feelings, and the fact that she too liked him.
she told me: when you were talking about him, i was pissed that there was suddenly this double standard - and honestly made me feel worthless

well didn't i feel like a jerk? i asked her not to talk about him, which in retrospect was really rude of me, then i couldn't even do the same thing for her, and respect HER feelings.

for those of you who have never had an amazingly close friend, maybe you don't understand. i've always had best friends, but never one this close. while i'm not thrilled to be leaving my other friends, and my amazingly close family (to go to college), i am absolutely TERRIFIED at the idea of leaving my diana, and even more terrified of the affects that growing up has on relationships. how many women have TRUE best friends by their 30s? everything gets focused on the kind of love that marriage is based on, and that's not the only kind of love i want in my life. she is the most important person in my life right now, and i made her feel like dirt.

the thing is, she so nice, she doesn't even stay mad at me for very long, but i did something a lot worse than just have a normal fight w/ my friend - i made her think i don't really love her, when i actually love her so much, it scares even me.

and THAT'S why i feel like an asshole today.

 

[wicked woman]

None of us are perfect...go talk to her and tell her what you told us. What you think about her in general and how sorry you are for being inconsiderate...both times around. If she's as good a friend as you say she is, you'll likely be forgiven with very little damage done to your friendship.

how many women have TRUE best friends by their 30s?

Lots. Life's what you make it. I'm fortunate to have a few. One I met on the internet...have met her in RL only once. Would do anything for her...including never tell her something I know would hurt her terribly...that she doesn't need to know. Hate keeping a secret from her...but won't hurt her needlessly either.

 

[CelticFrog]

Well, I can answer one thing truthfully.

How many women, indeed? You'd be amazed.

I think you'd also be amazed (I am continually) at how many friendships you develop in your 20s become so meaningful.

This is going to be a rather odd example, I'm sure...

Sheath is my best friend. Hands down, bar none, my BEST friend. I have another 'best friend' that is literally millimeters below Sheath, but to me there is something about our friendship that doesn't NEED to have been developed in highschool (like my friendship with Jaileigh was/is) to be a deep spiritual connection.

I never expected to become friends with Sheath, much less as close as we have become. I hide nothing from her. (cue waterworks) I will call her at 5 AM her time because something is bothering me. She will do the same with me. And if either of us doesn't, then we get admonished and tsk-ed. She knows more about my life than almost anyone else. And she still loves me for it. We are constantly learning more about each other and finding that our lives parallel for years at a time.


Like wicked woman said, life's what you make it. I have never met Sheath in RL... RL itself cuts in on our plans... has now for four months in a row and more than 6 attempts. But that doesn't make her any less my friend.

You don't have to lose your Diana. Even if you do, there is always a good chance you will find her again. I lost my Jaileigh for three years before literally sitting at her table in the bar at Olive Garden two nights before my wedding. I had turned 21 a few weeks before, my mom and stepdad took me (and I think J too) out to dinner after a frantic search for wedding shoes. She arrived to take drink orders, and I looked at her funny... she looked familiar. Still, I didn't say anything and her name tag was covered. It wasn't until she checked my ID that she realized who I was. She squealed (at work, it was hilarious) and proceeded to say, "It'syouitsyouitsyou" while I blushed and tried to remember her. Name tag gets uncovered. My line: "HOLY CRAP! IT'S HOLLY WITH A J!!!" which gets me strange looks from the whole damn place.

If you and Diana drift apart, and you feel as strongly about your connection as you do, then you won't stay apart. I don't think you will. Soulmates (I have my own theory on them, but it's long and already on my LJ) don't lose each other. Not once they've been found.

Okay, I'm long winded today. Sorry... I'm tired.

Ang

 

[sheath]

If you friendship is strong enough...and since you love her as much as you say you do, then it IS strong enough...you can get through it and look back at it as just being a bump in the otherwise lovely road.

I'm sure I have done things to piss Ang off. Big time. She hasn't told me, but I know they are there. Granted, to this point she hasn't pissed ME off, but she will. It just happens among friends...you cannot be two strong individuals without butting heads from time to time. Look upon friendship as a marriage of sorts and you will understand what I mean by that.

True friendships endure. No matter what winds rock the boat, they endure. Take my friend Hooch, for instance. There have been times when Hooch has driven me absolutely nuts. And there have been times when I have pissed him the hell off...and I mean, royally. But would those moments break our friendship? The idea is so absurd, it is laughable. Friendship endures. Period.

So tell her you are sorry...tell her you love her...and I mean that, SAY the words, and then tell her why...and then let it ride. It will sort itself out. And resolve not to create that double standard again. It doesn't mean you won't do it again, but at least you will be more aware of it if you slip into that again.

And don't forget to tell her how thankful you are that she is in your life.

S.

 

[CelticFrog]

You know... I was just thinking of something.

Sheath and I were talking about double standards last night.

I have a hard time listening to a friend of J's talk about his love life. My morals clash with (IMHO) his lack of morals. So I don't want to hear about his exploits. They make me uncomfortable (for obviously different reasons than you and your friend talking about liking a person) but then I start to feel like I'm creating a double standard by talking about J's and my life.

There's other minor stuff in there that I can't remember now.

Anyhow, my point which really doesn't make any sense is that as long as you can come to a reasonable compromise (I just try to ignore Scuba when he talks about fucking everything with a pulse and a vagina and J steers the conversation away from the subject) then things can work out easier. Sure, it probably bugs both of you to hear the other one talking about this guy. Why not join forces and trash talk his girlfriend together for five minutes? I'm sure she might be perfect, but all I can think of is the song, "I'll Think Of A Reason Later" by Lee Ann Womack.

Follow Sheath's advice. (Sheath honey? You have never actually angered me. Made me uncomfortable and thought I was joking about it once, but we've already cleared that up, remember???) She knows what she's talking about. I have never found such an amazing woman.

Hell, just go sit down (after Sheath's advice gets taken) with your friend and mumble "this sucks" every few seconds. It'll take the edge right off. Maybe. I can't back that up.

Ang

 

[shy little fairy]

thank you

thanx to all of you for your advice. she does forgive me, i knew she would - we stayed on the phone till 4am talking about it. (well, i don't know if we really even talked for half of the time, it was a lot of silence, and reading eachothers thoughts over the phone.) i still feel really bad for being the first one to really do something wrong. even if she does forgive me, i will always know that i disrepected her by neglecting her feelings. oh well, it's not the first time i've realized i'm not perfect - just the first time i've really cared, i guess.
i liked reading the live journals on the idea of soulmates. i had always thought of soulmates as going with romantic love, but after reading your thoughts, i agree about the different kinds of soulmates. there is, in fact, i strange happiness and peace i only get when hanging out with this person, even if we're just lying on the floor counting the boards on the ceiling (yes, it has been done.) it's still more fun for me to do that w/ her than to hang out w/ other people - it just feels, cozy, you know? maybe that's part of that idea of your "other half." i also think this helps explain why i HATE knowing she's upset, or sad, and especially when i am the one that made her that way - it's because i feel the pain too, and by saying what i said, i basically kicked MYSELF in the ass.

thank-you all for being such caring people. who would've guessed that here on lit you can find people who at least PRETEND to care about the shit in your life -
thanx for making me a proud resident of the how to board here at lit .

 

[CelticFrog]

Re: thank you

thank-you all for being such caring people. who would've guessed that here on lit you can find people who at least PRETEND to care about the shit in your life -
thanx for making me a proud resident of the how to board here at lit .

nope. We/They DO care. If you have any doubts to that, read the grief thread. I've seen it happen before, but never have I experienced such a huge percentage of the how to community pull together and really offer support for myself and J.

We care about the shit in your life. We also care about the joy.

Ang

 

[CelticFrog]

Oh yeah...

You're not an asshole. That designation is reserved for Denis Leary.



Ang

(I had to use that line on J last night)

 

[firefighter02]

Dammnn...I thought this was a entire thread about Fuckwit...Dammmmm

 

[sheath]

Dammnn...I thought this was a entire thread about Fuckwit...Dammmmm

*snicker*

S.

 

[Noor]

fuckwit? what happened to fuckknob?
has he morphed or is this a new one.


Best friends- my current best friend I met years ago on line and in person 3 or 4 yrs ago, yes we know stuff only our drs know, but there are things I can't talk to her about, and its hard but she is dying and I am not, at least not at the same rate since basically from birth we are dying
So we can't talk about the future much, and there are somethings with guys I can't talk to her about because I protect her, plus she has really bad advice on several areas, men for instance- I usually listen to what she says and do the opposite and that works out fine, she has great advice on other things.
We are opposites in so many ways, she is actually anglular while I am curvy, extroverted, I am introverted, she loves to be tied up, and I hate it ...

Anyway I have found that if my best friend likes a guy he becomes a eunich in my eyes, not just because my current best friend had attroicious taste in men but also because in general lovers can be a dime a dozen, friends are not.

Makes me think of that old french proverb we used to sing at mime class while we were warming up- The pleasure of love lasts but a moment, The pain of love lasts a lifetime I would rather have my best friend for as long as I can have her, then a moment of pleasure especially at her expense.

 

[sheath]

fuckwit? what happened to fuckknob?
has he morphed or is this a new one.

Naw, he's just racking up the names faster than he's racking up the immature groupies.

*gasp*

Did I type that out loud? Ummm...

S.