I don't get it.

[alexandraaah]

but maybe I will if anyone responds and I read this when I get home.

Disclaimer: I'm single so this is why I don't get it.

It seems many of you are in relationships here, online, that are very intense and real. Also, many of those same people have spouses or SO's. Thirdly, many of the people who have the aforementioned, complain about their marriages and relationships.

Why stay?

Not judging, just asking. I can't imagine being in a loveless or unhappy relationship.....and be willing to stay there, especially if I had met and developed a relationship with someone whom I felt things could really work out and offer mutual love and happiness.

What gives?

 

[lobito]

sometimes it's not unhappiness with the s.o. as much as just having something in your relationship that is missing, or lacking. It's "safe" having an online relationship SOMETIMES. Other times it's maybe better NOT to do anything online, because it can go too far.

I'm happily married, but I play online, because there is something lacking. I wouldn't want to NOT be married to my Wife just because of a few minor things.

Lo

 

[perks]

I'm married, and I don't believe my marriage is loveless. I'm not completely unhappy. He is a good man, and a good father. And most of the time he's a great husband. There are some major sticking points about him that are unchangeable that hurt me. I know I can not change a person, and I can live with these things for now.

As for my online sugahduck, he's a world away. We don't have life's daily problems to deal with. We have fantasy, all the good stuff and a connection. But the everyday stress we don't have to deal with, bills, children, families.

One is not better or more opportune than the other. They are different. Everything in life has its pros and cons. This is not a Utopia.

Choice.

 

[AzureAngel]

I'd agree with what Perky said. Granted, I'm in the same boat as you, Alexandraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, the Single Fleet... but. Yeah. The fact of the matter is that an online thing is very much a fantasy. Very much. And to call it something better than a real relationship or to give UP a real relationship because of it, I think, would be a bad idea.

A part of what makes an online relationship so wonderful in comparison to a real one is the lack of reality. As Perky said... no bills, no children, no worrying about XY -or- Z. Due to this reduction of "friction points," it's a lot easier to be happy and just love the person.

How much better would a real relationship be if there were no worrying about money, children, XY or Z...? Just you and someone else, following your heart freely without a care. S'not really how it works for most of us, though, so.

Damn, but I should inherit a fortune...

 

[sunstruck]

sometimes it's not unhappiness with the s.o. as much as just having something in your relationship that is missing, or lacking. It's "safe" having an online relationship SOMETIMES. Other times it's maybe better NOT to do anything online, because it can go too far.

I'm happily married, but I play online, because there is something lacking. I wouldn't want to NOT be married to my Wife just because of a few minor things.

Lo

See, I'm happily married and that's why I don't play online. Aside from the harmless flirting of course. It's not that I don't think it can work for some people...I've met a few that truely believe having an online relationship has enhanced their marriage. But I'd be afraid my heart would get involved.
How can anyone be so sure they can avoid that?

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[perks]

my heart is involved... I never said it wasn't real online. I believe it is, and considering how many people I've met in RL that started online, I can't consciously say it's not real.

I've known Drake<sugahduck> for almost a year. He and I have been through alot together, we discuss everything, work, spouses life. But, we don't have to deal with shit between us.."we" don't have that added friction. Does it make our feelings less? I don't think it does.

When everything is going great in your real life there is love, and when the shit gets piled on top of you in Real life, there is still love. There is just shit too.

I go to sugahduck to center myself. He knows me like that. Hubby knows me like that too, but, he pushes my buttons to throw me off. Therein lies the shit.

 

[ksmybuttons]

My husband and I work different hours so we are home at different times. He works in the evenings and most week-ends. I work 4 days a week from 9-5. It is a great way to raise a child. He is with one of us most of the time. We have times we are together: sleeping, the mornings, after work for me before he leaves.

I am on the computer when my husband is not here. I have a close on-line relationship that does not interfer with my 3D relationship. My son is either in bed or working on his homework sitting next to me while I am on the computer and we carry on an on-going dialogue.

I do not find my on-line time interfers with much. I just go about my activities and check in here. Frequently.

 

[sunstruck]

You can't.

So what do you do then?

 

[perks]

So what do you do then?

you make a new choice, or stick with the choice you already made.

 

[Nicodemus]

All very good answers.....

Let me address the why stay part of your question. I am working on ending the relationship I am in but it is not easy to just leave. Marrige is a big deal and entails a commitment that is hard to break. There is also the complication of the s/o not agreeing with the ending of the relationship.

Hurting someone is not ever an easy thing and not wanting to continue the relationship does not mean that you do not care about them. That complicates the matter.

Nic,

ps....I will think some more on this and try to put my thought together then repost.

 

[AzureAngel]

my heart is involved... I never said it wasn't real online. I believe it is, and considering how many people I've met in RL that started online, I can't consciously say it's not real.

I apologize for the phrasing. I didn't mean the emotion wasn't real. That the presence of the person being right there was not real.... IE, the stressors aren't there because it's not a RL relationship.

Oh well. Woe is the one who is unclear.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[NixonSmarterGee]

fuck all that shit. i got one question: where the white women at?

hold on, levar burton is at the door.

 

[freescorfr]

During the time of a long relationship many changes take place. These can keep a couple together or move them apart.

Worse than that they can continue in an unhappy equilibrium, in which neither partner grows.


I've disturbed dramatically the equilibrium in my marriage by stopping drinking. This is always difficult for couples to manage. I'm sure, Alex, you know all about dependency/co-dependency.

At first I thought Lit was for fun/ the stories.
It is more than that - as all the meta-Lit threads have discussed. I'm working hard on my marriage, with some hope but less optimism.
I'm working much harder on my life and Lit is an aspect of that.

 

[sunstruck]

I've had my heart torn between 2 men for as long as I can remember, and I can't live without either of them...I've tried. If sex were thrown into the mix - cyber or otherwise - I think my head would explode!

 

[NixonSmarterGee]

I've had my heart torn between 2 men for as long as I can remember, and I can't live without either of them...I've tried. If sex were thrown into the mix - cyber or otherwise - I think my head would explode!

that's really nice. are you white? i could take care of the sex part and you could continue typing to your friends, hell, i don't care, i'm a liverated chocolate man.

...hold on, sherman hemsley just asked for a refill on his vodka tonic.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Again, I can't call being on-line as not real life. When you become involved with someone on or off-line, for whatever reason, it is real. I saw a reference to 3D world and I like that better.

As no one knows another's feeling or where they come from, you can only judge it right or wrong for you. You don't have to get it, Alex, it is not your reality. It is mine. It works for me.

I like the idea of having other forums of exposure rather than my fairly limited 3D life. This is one of them.

 

[knightstalker]

uld throw in my two cents on this thread..I was unhappily married for 7 years and it was bad for about 4 of the years ..What made me stay ..I loved my children and she made me feel guilty when ever I would mention a divorce ..She always would bring up our babies..I am happily divorced now and it in my case was for the better because i still see my boys all the time and me and the Ex get along better now..

 

[AzureAngel]

*Whacks his head.* Where's my lawyer?

I'm not saying an online relationship isn't real. I'm saying that it's not infused with the same reality that makes a relationship offline difficult. The relationship stressors that life offline and living with a person physically in the same home has to offer hardly apply at all to an online relationship.

The emotions are real. The connection is real. But because it's online and not offline, it's exempt from many of offline life's stressors. This is basically the same thing Perky said, I just rephrased it in a way that has people on the defensive.

My apologies. I tend to shorten IRL to real life or just real. I didn't intend to get people up in arms. I'm not belittling online relationships at all. Just picking the wrong words.

Gah. I will go back to my rock now.

 

[sunstruck]

*Whacks his head.* Where's my lawyer?

I'm not saying an online relationship isn't real. I'm saying that it's not infused with the same reality that makes a relationship offline difficult. The relationship stressors that life offline and living with a person physically in the same home has to offer hardly apply at all to an online relationship.

The emotions are real. The connection is real. But because it's online and not offline, it's exempt from many of offline life's stressors. This is basically the same thing Perky said, I just rephrased it in a way that has people on the defensive.

My apologies. I tend to shorten IRL to real life or just real. I didn't intend to get people up in arms. I'm not belittling online relationships at all. Just picking the wrong words.

Gah. I will go back to my rock now.

Everything you said made perfect sense to me. I've never had an online relationship, but I can see how it would be nice to have someone that knows you that well that is really only involved in the parts of your life you choose to make them a part of.

 

[AzureAngel]

*Chuckles a bit.* Thanks, Sun. Just feel like I stepped in front of an angry, armed mob. Though I suppose I could just close the window...

Ah, the lack of accountability and reality. *Hides before more gunshots go off.*

 

[ksmybuttons]

*Whacks his head.* Where's my lawyer?

I'm not saying an online relationship isn't real. I'm saying that it's not infused with the same reality that makes a relationship offline difficult. The relationship stressors that life offline and living with a person physically in the same home has to offer hardly apply at all to an online relationship.

The emotions are real. The connection is real. But because it's online and not offline, it's exempt from many of offline life's stressors. This is basically the same thing Perky said, I just rephrased it in a way that has people on the defensive.

My apologies. I tend to shorten IRL to real life or just real. I didn't intend to get people up in arms. I'm not belittling online relationships at all. Just picking the wrong words.

Gah. I will go back to my rock now.

I certainly did not intend my words as any type of judgement of what you are saying. I hear you and as I don't escalate emotionally in these situations, mine was just a statement of how I feel.

On-line has its own set of complications that are different than 3 D. Sometimes, just as you read me as defensive, things are read into the typed word that aren't there. You never get to touch, you can't have quiet time together. It is easier to turn someone off and not work it out when you are on-line. On and on I could go. Different. The relationships are just as valid but totally different.

 

[DéjàNu]

You will get a differents reasons from each of us and there is not "right" answer. As for me, I did know that it was possible to have Online relationship and sometimes even to fall in love. When I start my cybering experiment I put myself some rules and one of those was to never cyber more than 2 times with the same person. It didnt work. Even if my marriage was wonderful and good I succeed in falling in love online. Duh! that sucks because when you love your husband and your life it make you see things differently. The good part is that the two of us are married with children so we wont be together before a couple of years... For now I'm lucky, 2 men love me very deeply but I have some problems struggling with my love for them.

So any advise... if you found yourself attracted more than sexual in someone online, if you try to be often with him because you seem to feel better, if you feel like you are a teenage kid again.... then run. But God that feel so good to live that all those feelings again.....

 

[sunstruck]

*Chuckles a bit.* Thanks, Sun. Just feel like I stepped in front of an angry, armed mob. Though I suppose I could just close the window...

Ah, the lack of accountability and reality. *Hides before more gunshots go off.*

I got ya back babe!